“Alexander.” His name slipped from her lips, her throat thick with emotion. She would be happy, she realized, for things to remain as they already were, for him to give her no more than had already been offered. A home, a purpose in caring for Zora, his help with the school and supplies for her pupils. His affection and desire. She would be greedy for expecting more, wouldn’t she? But there was something in his eyes, in his expression, in the very warmth of his fingers on her skin that told her he would not be content to keep their relationship as it was, a hidden and secret thing. And at that moment, she didn’t believe she would be content with that, either.

  “I want—” he said. But whatever the rest of his speech was, it was interrupted by Zora calling out, “Mrs. Benton! Are you coming?” from the stairs.

  “I have to go.” She had already lingered with him for too long. But she rose onto the balls of her feet and she kissed him quickly, her hand lifting to touch his cheek, to glide her fingers along his jaw and remind herself that he was real, and not merely a figment of a dream she’d held onto for the last decade. “Goodnight,” she said, and rushed out of the drawing room to follow Zora up the stairs.

  Chapter Seventeen

  * * *

  Julia didn’t sleep well. After putting Zora to bed — three stories, two for Zora and one for Ellen — she returned to her own room instead of giving in to the ache of desire between her legs and seeking out Alexander. She feared a third night of lovemaking would leave her too exhausted to fully attend to Zora’s lessons in the morning. But instead of falling asleep, she tossed and turned in bed, dozing for only a few minutes at a time before waking again and listening for the incessant ticking of the clock.

  It was before dawn when she staggered out of bed, dressing in the dark without even the aid of a candle. A glance out the window told her it would be cold, the clouds cleared away and the moon shining down like a lamp from the firmament. By the time she made it outside, the eastern sky was a pale gray, fringed with pink.

  She pulled up her scarf over the lower half of her face, her breath coming out in blasts of pale steam through the crocheted wool. Everything seemed sharp and fragile, even the frosted grass crunching like broken glass beneath the soles of her walking boots as she crossed the lawn.

  The woods laid like a smut of shadow on the horizon before her, but she had no interest in walking beneath the bare branches of the trees this morning. Instead, she directed her steps towards the row of outer buildings that circled the rear of the main house like a crown. The stables were what drew her interest, the smell of the horses and fresh hay reaching her even through the muffler wrapped over her nose.

  She didn’t know why she had avoided the stables for so long. She’d told Zora about her love of horses the first day she’d arrived at Langford, but so far had avoided anything to do with them. It was a reluctance, she realized, to believe that anything here could truly be at her disposal. Because she was a servant, really. No matter her relationship with Alexander and how it might progress from here, at the moment, she was still an employee in the eyes of everyone around them. She could not picture herself calling for a horse to be saddled, as though she was mistress of the house and could send a footman or a stablehand to cater to her every whim.

  Inside the building, it was warm enough that Julia could unwind the scarf from around her neck, pull off her knit cap, and tug the mittens off her hands. She was greeted by the soft shuffling of the horses moving about in their stalls, the scrape of hooves and the soft nicker of animals suddenly aware of her presence.

  The pink light of dawn shone through the windows as she made her way along the stalls, her boots catching on the stray bits of straw that hadn’t been swept away from an otherwise clean floor. She passed the ladder she had climbed that first day with Zora, when they’d gone up into the loft to see the kittens. She smiled at the memory, at how she could never have guessed at the time where that meeting with a lone child in the middle of the village would lead.

  At the end of the building, in the last stall, she peered over the top of the door and saw a mare resting on the floor with her colt. Even in the muted light, she could discern the sleek black of their coats, the bright white star on the mare’s forehead and the matching white on the tip of the colt’s nose. There had never been such fine animals at home when she was a child, and she wondered how excited she would have been as a girl to simply pop into the stables and see these beautiful horses whenever she wished.

  She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, her arms folded on the top of the stall door and her chin resting on her hands. There was something almost hypnotic about being there, the absence of other people bustling about, while the pink light of the morning transformed into a golden thing, picking out the tiny bits of dust floating through the air and making them glimmer like fairies.

  “Good morning, Julia.”

  She didn’t look around right away. She had heard his approach, seen his shadow cross in front of the window before the first strike of his boots landed on the stable floor. It didn’t feel like a surprise that Alexander had found her. That is, if he had even been looking for her. When she looked over at him, he appeared dressed and ready for an early morning ride on one of his horses.

  “I didn’t sleep well,” she said, in place of a perfunctory good morning.

  “Neither did I.” He took off his hat and ran his hand through his hair, making himself look even more disheveled than before. “I missed you last night.”

  She had missed him, too. And what did that mean? That only a few hours away from him had left her miserable? She stepped back from the stall and turned to face him, her fingers tugging at a loose thread on one of her mittens. He looked irresistible to her at that moment, with his hair mussed and his jaw still sporting a shadow of the previous day’s stubble. Her first instinct was to go to him, to feel the scrape of his beard across her cheek, to grab his hair and tug his head down so she could kiss him, so she could taste his tongue against hers.

  But there was something heavy in the air between them, the unfinished edge of their last conversation impossible to ignore.

  “I had an entire night to think about what to say to you, and yet now I stand here feeling like a fool.” He rubbed his hand over his face, and Julia saw how tired he was then, the dark bruises of exhaustion beneath his eyes and the lines settling at the corners of his mouth. “When I asked you to come here, to Langford, I tried not to hope too much. I told myself you were here for Zora, that my own wants shouldn’t interfere with that. I thought it would be enough, to have you near. Because I didn’t know what your feelings were, and I was too afraid… too cowardly to make any sort of overture beyond sharing a simple tray of toast and cheese with you in front of a fire.”

  Julia blew out a breath slowly, willing herself to remain calm. There was a part of her that wanted to stop him before he could say anything else, to keep things as they were. Because she was afraid to want more, to reach for it and be denied. She had been denied so many things for so long that the act of settling for what she’d been given had also become an act of saving herself from future pain.

  “Alexander—”

  He held up his hand, his eyes fluttering closed. “Please allow me to finish before I lose the words all over again.”

  She bit down on her lips and clasped her hands in front of her.

  “I want a partner in my life, Julia. I want a mother for Zora, someone who will love her and care for her, who won’t seek to use her as a weapon.” He winced at that, and she wondered what details he was leaving out for the admission to cause him that stab of pain. “I don’t want to be forever hiding in the shadows with you, but…” And there, he took a step towards her. Only a step, leaving an ocean of space between them. “... if you’re content with that, then I will be, too. Or if you’d rather I rush to London and fetch a special license for the two of us, I’ll saddle up my horse this moment and be off. But what I want the most, what I’m certain I cannot live without, is you. Just you, and any way you’ll let me have you.”

  It took her a moment to parse through his words and understand that he had made an offer of marriage to her. If she had been younger, if her life up to this point had traveled along a different path, she might have immediately leapt with excitement at his proposal.

  But she had been married once already, and the more she looked back at those years, the more she realized how painful and miserable a time it had been for her. Even though she knew down to the very core of herself that Alexander was nothing like Frederick and never would be, the thought of being a wife again made her hesitate.

  He would give her time, of course, if she wished. He would most likely give her anything it was within his power to give. And she wanted him in her life. She wanted Zora as well, and the prospect of being a mother to her filled Julia with an excitement that stole the breath from her lungs. But still, she couldn’t say the words she knew he wanted to hear. So instead she walked up to him, laying her cheek on his shoulder while her hands slid inside of his coat and wrapped around him.

  They stood like that for several minutes, simply holding onto one another while the light grew steadily brighter in the stables.

  Alexander kissed the top of her head. “I take it this means I’m not rushing off to London this morning?”

  She groaned and buried her face in his collar. “I’m sorry.” She looked up at him as he tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but… I need time. Not to think, but merely to accustom myself to the idea. Marriage is…”

  “Frightening?”

  “Yes.”

  “I know.” And he kissed her forehead. “Believe me, I know. We’ve both been hurt, and one doesn’t recover from such wounds quickly.”

  Her thoughts drifted towards Zora, the very person who had succeeded in bringing them together. A child without a mother and with an unknown father…

  “You love her very much, don’t you?”

  He nodded without her having to mention who she was talking about. “My wife… She would try to use her to hurt me. I think she wanted me to resent Zora because she wasn’t my own child, so she never allowed me to forget her infidelity. But I think Anna was unable to see beyond her own limitations for love and acceptance. She could only imagine what her own reaction would be in a similar situation, could only assume others would behave in the same manner.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said again, blinking away a burning at the corners of her eyes. “I wish…”

  “No, none of that.” His thumbs swept the moisture from her cheeks, and then he kissed the tip of her nose, her lips. “I don’t want anything to be different. I don’t want to wish Zora away or alter anything that led us to where we are now.”

  She closed her eyes, allowing herself to revel in his embrace, the warmth of him beneath the heavy outer layer of his coat. And he was right. To change anything that had already happened would be to change who they were at that precise moment, and she could not bear the risk of such a loss.

  But where were they now? She was Zora’s governess, and he was the owner of Langford and the father of her charge. And they were lovers. As it stood, their relationship could never become public knowledge, or else the scandal of it would ruin not only her own reputation — something she little cared about, she had to admit — but had the potential to cast shame on Zora.

  Marriage, Julia knew, would be the safest choice. The one that would allow her to be Zora’s mother and Alexander’s wife, to become mistress of Langford along with all of the privileges that came with such a position. Her school would very likely benefit from her rise in society, which would mean she could eventually do more for her students, and then…

  Oh, but she didn’t want to think about all of that. Not yet. So instead, she stretched up and pressed her lips to the side of his jaw, nipping at his unshaven skin. He let out a hiss and pulled her tighter against his chest.

  “We should go back to the house,” he said, as his own mouth grazed her temple. “It’s early yet. Not everyone is awake. We could—”

  “No.” She brushed away his suggestion, not wanting to risk a servant catching them sneaking upstairs to one of the bedrooms or into his study. Her fingers found the buttons of his jacket, flicking them open to give her access to his waistcoat and shirt.

  “Wait.” He pulled her hands away, but only to turn and give a cursory glance over his shoulder to make certain they were alone. “But… here? Are you sure?”

  They could have been standing on the lip of a volcano and she did not think she would be able to put off having him for as long as it would take to find a more suitable location. “Come,” she said, and took his hand, pulling him towards the ladder. She thought they might climb up to the loft, where there was hay and a few extra blankets for the horses stashed away. But they didn’t make it that far.

  Alexander pushed her against the ladder, his hands reaching down to drag up her skirts while her legs parted in anticipation. She fought with the fastenings of his trousers, rushing as though there was a clock ticking away the seconds above their heads. And then he had the hem of her gown up to her thighs, and his fingers were there… already there, teasing her, sliding through her wetness before he dipped one of them inside.

  “Alexander!” It startled her that she could be ready for him so quickly. Fiery passion, she had always assumed, was for the young. The young farmer’s daughter caught under the spell of the handsome laborer hired to help with the harvest. The soldier yearning for the daughter of the local squire. But she’d fallen into the belief that she was too old for lust and wantonness. And yet there she stood, arching her back towards Alexander, reaching for his hips as he touched the tip of his cock between her legs and thrust hard and deep inside.

  “Christ!” He growled against her neck, then hooked his hand beneath her right knee and hoisted her leg up until she wrapped it around his thighs.

  She felt a sudden flash of fear that someone would walk in on them, that they would be discovered there by some sleepy-eyed stableboy come in to muck out the stalls for the morning. Her gaze darted frantically towards the stable door, but there was nothing, only the sunlight pouring in through the windows and the soft sounds of the horses stirring in their stalls.

  So she allowed herself to enjoy the pleasure of the moment, the hard thrusts of Alexander’s cock inside of her, filling her up until she could no longer catch her breath. It was so wonderfully wild, so elemental to love him like this; unable to keep their hands off one another, to deprive themselves of each other for no more than a few hours at a time.

  And then that single word chimed loud in her thoughts, making her eyes flutter open.

  Love.

  There was no reason to argue with herself about it. She knew the truth, that what she felt for Alexander extended beyond the realm of sexual desire. But it was still a nascent thing, her love for him like a seed just planted, still vulnerable beneath a thin layer of soil.

  But she loved him. And the realization rippled through her as she tipped her head back, seeking out his mouth for a kiss. His hand moved between them as her tongue tangled with his. His fingers found the tight, swollen bud at her center, caressing it in rhythm with his thrusts until she couldn’t take anymore. Her release crashed over her, so quickly her legs buckled beneath her and Alexander had to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her from sliding into a boneless puddle on the floor.

  Aftershocks of pleasure sparked through her like little fireworks as he cried out with his own release, finally cursing loudly before he leaned against her, panting heavily into the side of her neck.

  “God in heaven, Julia,” he rasped, and pressed a kiss to the sensitive spot beneath her ear. “You make me…”

  “Yes.” She agreed. To whatever he was going to say, she agreed. “Me, too.”

  She held onto him for another minute, until she could trust herself to let go without toppling over. A part of her didn’t want to move, didn’t want to return to the house and have the secret of what they’d shared weighing over her while she slipped back into the role of governess and forgotten widow.

  But if she told him she loved him, if she married him…

  She burrowed her face into his shoulder, breathing in the scent of him. The words were there, a confession balanced on the tip of her tongue. That she loved him. That she wanted to marry him and yet was afraid. That their affair deserved more than the clandestine treatment it had already received. That Zora needed a mother and Julia’s heart ached to fully step into that role.

  They stepped apart, each of them taking a minute to smooth down rumpled clothing, to fix hair and buttons and ties. As soon as they appeared somewhat presentable again, she found her mittens and hat on the floor and wound her scarf again around her neck.

  “Will we see you at breakfast?” she managed to ask, her voice carrying a tremble that matched the one still shivering through her legs. Hopefully the walk back to the house would be enough to restore her equilibrium and disguise the fact she’d been ravished in the stable only a few minutes before.

  “Not this morning, unfortunately.” Alexander gave his coat another adjustment, then looked for his hat which had been abandoned on the floor near to where her own had been. “There are improvements that need to be made at some of the farms before winter fully sets in. Roofs that have begun to leak with all of the rain, and a chimney that collapsed with our last bout of wind. I need to make my rounds this morning and see exactly what needs to be done.”

  “Zora will be disappointed,” she said. And so would she, but she didn’t trust herself to say for fear that everything else she felt for him would come tumbling out on its heels.