“It’s Roderick.”

  Bernie was silent and then, “What!”

  “Shhh,” Anne clamped a hand over Bernie’s mouth, “Do you want everyone to hear you?”

  Bernie said muffled words under her hand.

  “It was Roderick who seduced me the morning after Violet’s wedding. He kissed me the night before, and then in the morning before you woke, I went for a walk. It wasn’t even dawn yet, but I couldn’t sleep. I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember but he was just so…”

  “Terrible?”

  “Exactly. But when he kissed me, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him. And then I found him in the garden, and he said such lovely things. He recited poetry to me, and he kissed me again and—oh Bernie—I couldn’t stop myself. I love him, and I thought it was the beginning of something special, but then when he didn’t take the carriage home with us and didn’t visit afterward, I learned he didn’t even remember our encounter.”

  “How could he not remember?”

  “He was drunk.”

  Bernie threw her hands up in the air. “How can that be!”

  “I don’t know. But he doesn’t remember being with me. He remembers kissing me the night before and nothing else.”

  “So.” Bernie fisted her hands on her hips. “He’s upset your pregnant, but he doesn’t know it’s his child?”

  “In a nutshell.”

  “And you didn’t tell him, or any of us?”

  “I was convinced he would never believe me. And even if he did, just a matter of weeks ago Roderick was the last man I would ever marry, even though I love him.”

  “But all that’s changed is his drinking.”

  “Exactly. Without the influence, he’s so caring and kind. Think of how he’s been these last few days. He’s worked so hard.”

  “And undid it all in a matter of minutes,” Bernie said.

  “We came here to find husbands and I’ve found mine. I know the man he is capable of being. There is no other man for me.”

  “Do you really think you can go downstairs and pretend nothing is wrong?”

  “I’ve been doing it for weeks now. There is no other option. If I sit here, I’ll go mad.” Anne was feeling better. She’d made a decision, and she would not deviate.

  Bernie hugged her unexpectedly. “Tell me what you want, Anne. For so long you’ve taken care of me—of all of us. What is it you want, and I’ll make it happen, if possible. I can’t work miracles.”

  Anne grew misty-eyed. “When the time comes, I’ll need to speak with him alone. I love him, and I want to marry him.”

  Bernie nodded. “I can make him marry you.”

  Anne laughed. “I don’t want you to make him.”

  “He’s going to marry you, regardless of whether or not he remembers seducing you, or he will he bludgeoned to death by nine women. The choice is up to him.”

  “I love you, Bernie, but I can’t allow you to kill him,” Anne said with a grin. She’d never been happier to have a sister like Bernadette. Loyal to a fault did not even begin to describe her.

  “Fine. I’ll only maim him.”

  Chapter 26

  Anne appeared like a vision, her hair tousled, dressed in a simple white day dress and wool cloak. The light around her was weak and purplish, like the moment before dawn breaks. She was so beautiful. He must be dreaming. He moved toward her, his movements heavy like he was wading through water. He could hear her voice, but her words were muffled. He didn’t understand anything she was saying. But it didn’t matter. He knew what he wanted to say. The words had been engraved on his heart, and he must say them before she disappeared like mist. But then his mind grew clearer, and the moment felt less like a dream that he could shape and more like a memory that was replaying in his head, new and yet familiar.

  “She’s quiet as a starless night, as still as waters deep. What lurks therein, secrets? The bones of ships long sailed. Sailors entombed by a mermaids kiss?” He couldn’t resist kissing her. Her lips met his eagerly. But there was still more he had to say, he’d worked so diligently to finish the poem for her, so he pulled away.

  “I hear a siren’s call on the salty air, calling me to heel. You have speared my heart and before you now, I kneel.”

  And then he knelt before her, his head bowed into her abdomen. He wanted to hold her forever, but he knew that time would not stand still even if he begged it to.

  She slid to her knees and cradled his face. “Roderick?”

  “I want to hold you, Anne,” he confessed. His heart was hers for the taking, rent open and bleeding for her. And by God, she was nodding her assent, so Roderick held her, afraid of how quickly this time might slip away. Her scent ensnared him, and he nuzzled the skin of her neck, so soft, as decadent and smooth as a flower petal. And then he kissed her once more, because how could he not? Any moment she’d slip away from him. But she kissed him back and then a frenzy of need took over. This had to be a dream. The real Anne loathed him, the real Anne would not return his kisses so ardently.

  But this is real!

  Roderick opened his eyes, and he was shrouded in darkness. With frightening clarity, he recalled his intimacies with Anne, taking her on top of his greatcoat and her cloak on the ground of the garden like a despicable swine of a man. And now she carried his baby.

  A tidal wave of emotion consumed him, some relief, the rest utter self-loathing. How could he have mistreated her? It was no wonder she had said those things before. He’d deserved all of her scorn and more. Her father should call him out, hell, even Chester should. His brother would certainly volunteer once he heard the truth. He deserved a bullet in the heart for his treatment of her, or to be beaten to death by his brother’s expert fists.

  Beside his bed, Weirick snored from an uncomfortable chair.

  The sight alarmed him. Roderick tried to call out, but his throat would not work. He felt like he’d swallowed nails and wood chips. He tried to clear it and the pain made his eyes water.

  Weirick jerked awake. “Roderick?”

  Roderick turned his head and met his brother’s gaze, but he could not ask for water. His brother looked haggard. He should be with his wife, not tending to his wastrel of a brother.

  Roderick touched his throat.

  “Your throat hurts?”

  Roderick nodded.

  Weirick helped him sit up and then held a teacup to his lips. Roderick smelled the familiar scent of Sonam’s special tea. He took a gulp, the tea soothing his throat, but there was definitely something wrong there. It felt like he had open wounds inside. He cleared his throat again and tried to speak.

  “What time is it?” His voice was strange and coarse, as if his throat had been burned.

  Weirick checked his timepiece. “Just after midnight.”

  “Oh, I feel like I’ve been through medieval torture.” It hurt to speak.

  “I thought you were going to die. We had to purge you. I’ve never seen such rank fluids come out of a body.”

  Roderick raised a brow. “It must have worked quickly.”

  Weirick scoffed. “What day do you think it is?”

  Roderick shrugged.

  “You’ve been asleep for over a day. We purged you yesterday afternoon.”

  Roderick closed his eyes. A whole day had passed. Anne must be beyond hysterical, thinking the worst of him. She was right. She was always right about him. But he’d make it up to her. He’d wait on her, hand and foot if he had to, whatever it took, and he’d redeem himself.

  Weirick informed him about the happenings of the other guests and how Anne had seemed fine, but Roderick knew she was only hiding her feelings, as she had done for so many years while caring for her sisters. She was the strongest woman he knew, taking care of her mother and sisters even as a child. She’d always carried the air of being wiser beyond her years, much like Willa. Perhaps Willa had learned it from Anne.

  Roderick drifted to sleep after finishing a cup of Sonam’s tea. He knew without even trying that he could not get out of the bed. In his dream, there hadn’t been enough time with Anne, but in reality, it dragged on as he dozed, waiting for his strength to return so he could go to her and beg for her forgiveness.

  Chapter 27

  Two days later.

  Anne met the others in the breakfast parlor. She greeted her sisters and the gentlemen, who she was coming to know more as friends, with a smile then took her usual seat. Roderick’s chair was empty, but she pretended not to notice. She spread butter on a triangle of toast and listened to the chatter.

  Violet entered, greeting everyone cheerfully. “You’ll all be happy to hear that Roderick is much improved. He’s taking a bowl of broth in his room.”

  Anne squeezed the knife in her hand and tried to remain calm, but she wanted to leap from her chair and run to him.

  “That’s excellent,” Georgie said. “What a terrible time to fall ill to a stomach malady. He must have hated to miss the festivities yesterday.”

  Mr. Cage snorted, tossing his thick chestnut hair. “If you mean carrying an easel so you could paint on the bluff, I would have gladly traded places with him.”

  Georgie scowled at him. “You said you enjoyed the view.”

  He winked at her. “I did, but I wasn’t talking about the horizon.”

  Anne saw the way Georgie gripped her spoon and the blush that spread over her cheeks. Georgie was a bit of a wild card and not intimidated by men. She loved to fence, hunt, and climb with the boys growing up. Anne had even caught her trying to sew her own breeches. Curious, Anne watched her interaction with Mr. Cage.

  “Then you must have been talking about my painting,” Georgie returned and then raised a brow. She was challenging him.

  Anne wanted to intervene but restrained herself. This was why they were here, even if only one of them came away with a proposal and marriage, it was important for all of her sisters to gain experience. They’d been secluded in Northumberland for far too long.

  “Anne, may I have a word?” Violet appeared at Anne’s side.

  “Of course.” Anne stood, and she and Violet left the parlor.

  Violet turned to face her, her expression guarded. “Roderick asked to meet with you today after he’s rested a bit more this morning.”

  Anne’s heart pounded in her chest. “He did?”

  “I suggested my personal parlor. It’s quite private and away from the bulk of the busiest rooms. I didn’t know if you would agree—”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, well then I shall inform him. If you would like me there to chaper—”

  “No, I mean, thank you, but what we need to discuss is rather private, and Bernie knows enough to chaperone for me.”

  “I see. Very well. I’ll go get Bernie to chaperone.”

  “Thank you, Your Grace.”

  Violet surprised Anne by taking her hand. “I’d like us to be friends. Roderick has told me how he cares for you. If this meeting is as important as I suspect it might be, then we shall become closer…as family.”

  Anne took a deep breath. “I shall hope so.”

  Violet grinned and squeezed her hand. “Excellent. I must run and tell him.”

  Anne smiled as Violet left her there in the hall and decided to return to her room. But her joy faded quickly. Violet didn’t know what they would be discussing, or she might not have been so happy. Anne didn’t know what to expect of Roderick. She’d practiced what she would say over the last day, but there was really no nice way to tell a man he was going to be a father, and he didn’t remember the occasion in which that child was conceived. But she was prepared for any outcome, even the worst kind. He had clearly been hurt by the revelation, probably even angry. But he did intend to speak with her, and that was a step in the right direction.

  What happened next only God knew.

  Bernie joined her in her room to wait and agreed that she’d be there but remain out of sight. When the time came, Chester intercepted them.

  “What are you doing here?” Bernie asked.

  “I’d heard Roderick and Anne were meeting here.”

  “Are we to have an audience?” Anne asked.

  “I’m only trying to protect you,” he said, “and he needed help getting here. He’s still rather weak.”

  “I don’t need protection from him,” Anne argued. “We need privacy. There is a lot that needs to be said.”

  He folded his arms. Anne folded hers.

  “Anne, go inside, Chester and I will remain out here,” Bernie intervened.

  Chester frowned at Bernie.

  “This has to happen regardless of whether you want it to,” Bernie said.

  “She shouldn’t be alone with him,” he pressed.

  “She’s capable of deciding that for herself,” Bernie returned.

  He looked between the two women.

  “Back off, Chester,” Bernie said. “You need a new hobby. Watching over us has consumed you.”

  Now he scowled at Bernie. Anne stepped into the room while he was distracted with her sister and locked the door. The room was dim, with a small fire in the grate. She could see Roderick leaning back in a chair. At first he seemed relaxed, but on closer inspection, he looked to be in pain and his eyes were closed. Anne slowly approached him.

  “Roderick?” she said, softly.

  He opened his eyes. “Forgive me if I don’t stand.”

  “Of course. How are you feeling?”

  “Like I’ve jumped off the bluff, and the waves have thrashed my body against the rocks over and over.”

  Anne moved forward, sitting on the settee by his chair. She couldn’t read him. He looked pale and far too ill for what was about to happen. This conversation would not be easy for either of them.

  She took a deep breath. She couldn’t wait any longer. “I’m sorry you found out the way you did. I didn’t know how to tell you, but I had every intention to do it.”

  “You mean your confession?”

  “Yes. I had to tell you before—before I agreed to marry you.”

  He tensed. “You were going to agree?”

  “Yes.” She leaned over the arm of the settee and touched his hand.

  He covered his eyes with one hand but angled his face toward her, and she could see the glint of his eyes. He was studying her. “And now? After you’ve seen how easy I can break and return to the monster I was?”

  She squeezed his hand. “Yes. I’ve loved you at your worst, and I’ve loved you at our best.”

  He covered his eyes completely now, but he took hold of her hand and hope flared inside her.

  “I don’t deserve you. I’ll never deserve you.”

  “What?”

  “I spouted terrible poetry to you and took you on the ground like a-a rutting animal.”

  “You remember?”

  “It came to me as a dream first. I was delirious with sound and visions of you swam before me, but then it all came back, every detail, and I knew it was not a dream but a memory. Can you ever forgive me for treating you so disrespectfully?”

  Anne leapt to her feet. “You remember?”

  He dropped his hand, looking up at her. And then he fell to his knees in front of her, touching his forehead to the swell of her stomach. He ran his hand over the slight curve, and Anne began to weep.

  “I can’t lose you again. I can’t risk forgetting another moment with you, with our child. You will not want for anything. Never again will you worry about money, or where you shall live when your father dies. Your home is here now, your sisters, your mother, even your damned skinny goats.”

  Anne half laughed, half sobbed. She dropped to her knees and hugged him.

  “Marry me, Anne. End this misery.”

  “Yes! Yes!”

  She would have said it again, but he kissed her. Relief washed through her, leaving her lightheaded. He remembered. He remembered!

  * * *

  Bernie covered her mouth, burying her excited scream. Chester closed the door softly.

  “She thinks it’s locked,” Bernie whispered.

  “We’ll wait here and ensure they have all the privacy they need.”

  “But not too much. We know how much trouble they can get into,” she said with a grin.

  He smirked and looked away.

  Bernie sighed with relief and leaned against the wall by the door. “You don’t have to marry her now.”

  “You sound relieved.”

  “I am.”

  He caught her gaze once more, and Bernie couldn’t look away. She didn’t know what he would see in her expression. She felt open and raw, all her joy opening her and exposing her in a way he might not have ever seen. She was so relieved she could cry. For right now, he was still only hers, her friend, her protector, but what more could he be?

  A line appeared between his brow, and he moved toward her. Bernie’s heart frolicked like a baby deer, tripping all over itself. He stood before her.

  “Why didn’t you want me to marry her?”

  “You shouldn’t have had to sacrifice your heart for her. No one should. She is meant to be with him.”

  “But that isn’t all.”

  No. She couldn’t voice the word, but it felt like it was there in her silence.

  “What were you afraid to lose?” he asked, pressing one hand to the wall next to her shoulder.

  She swallowed. “You.”

  “You’ll never lose me.”

  “But I will. One day.”

  “When you take a husband?” he asked, his eyes searching hers.

  “When you take a wife.”

  He stilled then slowly his hand rose, and his thumb brushed the line of her jaw. “I’ve yet to meet a woman more entertaining, intelligent, or beautiful than you.”

  Her mouth went dry.

  “Seeing you practice your wiles on the gentlemen here, it bothered me. I started to think about what would happen if you truly fell in love, and I didn’t like what I pictured. And then, when you forbid me from marrying your sister, something inside me clicked into place. I would have done it for you if you’d asked me to. I’d do anything for you, Bernie.”