Copyright © 2021 S.J. Black

  All rights reserved

  The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  ISBN-13: 9781234567890

  ISBN-10: 1477123456

  Cover design by: S.Jahne

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018675309

  Printed in the United States of America

  Life is the flower for which love is the honey.

  Victor Hugo

  CHAPTER ONE

  Kyle is the first person to corner me once the decision is made.

  He’s standing outside my apartment door, his back rested against the wall, a stormy scowl brewing in his face. He looks up when my boots click against the floor.

  “Kyle,” I breathe.

  There’s a gut wrenching twist inside me, wondering if I regret my decision. Just for a second. But then I blot it out, berating myself for not standing firm.

  You made your decision, Kennedy. You have to live with it.

  His signature sparkling green eyes are cast with a murky heaviness that lulls his energy. He looks away, a flash of a taut emotion before he casts his accusatory glare towards me. Kyle puts his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, aloof and brooding.

  He knows.

  “I heard the news,” he says.

  I swallow back a lump in my throat. “Oh?”

  “You really accepted her offer.”

  The tone is definitely laced with accusation and unfiltered judgment. A tightness grapples with my chest. A suffocating self-consciousness as the weight of my decision shines brightly in front of us, blinding my sense of courage.

  I cast my gaze down, unable to meet his incensed stare. I grab the keys from my bag, moving to the apartment door. My neck prickles with the knowing feeling of being watched. Once I unlatch the door, I glance at Kyle, motioning for him to follow me inside. He steps in wordlessly.

  “You can quit the judgemental stares, Kyle.”

  He stands stiffly by the living area. He’s not like himself at all. There’s a tension that refuses to root itself away.

  God, I wish he would talk to me. Just like before. When things were simpler, when we were just kids in high school…

  Now, there’s a distance that keeps us strangers.

  But it’s your fault, Kennedy. You pushed him away for Roman. And now, you’ve pushed Roman away. The cherry on the cake is that you’ve taken the mother’s bargaining chip too.

  It’s your fault everyone leaves.

  I shake my head softly.

  No.

  Stop.

  Not now.

  “You have no idea what you’ve just done, do you?” He says tightly.

  I’m about to murmur a response when the second bedroom door opens suddenly, revealing a dishevelled Holly in her pyjamas, her hair in complete disarray - in an adorable fashion, perked right at the corners - and her eyes puffy with sleep. She yawns, wandering into the kitchen.

  “When did you get back, Ken?” She gargles back a carton of milk. “I literally have the sorest coochie that my mother would be ashamed of but worth it though since I got the best dick appointment -“ Holly spins on her heel, spitting out her drink suddenly as she jumps in surprise. “Shit!”

  Kyle’s eyes widen before they resume a neutral expression. “Hello.”

  Holly’s cheeks burn bright red. “He-hello.”

  I clear my throat, smiling awkwardly. “Um, Holly, this is Kyle -“

  “Kyle Matthews,” Holly finishes quickly. She wipes her chin. “I know who you are. You’re in that band. It’s all over social media.”

  The corner of his mouth lifts in a familiar charming smile. He puts out his hand to which Holly accepts slowly. “Nice to meet you…?”

  “Holly.”

  “Holly,” he nods. His soft smile simmers a little when his gaze finds mine, a reminder of why he is here in the first place. “I’m sorry I interrupted. I wanted to talk to Ken about something.”

  She shakes her head vigorously, waving her hands. “Not at all! Don’t mind me and my - um - post-slumber talk, sometimes I’ll say the weirdest things when I’m sleepwalking. All that earlier? Sleepwalking. Sleepwalking and talking.” She rambles, chuckling hysterically. “Well, it’s been great meeting you in person, Kyle Matthews. Let’s catch up another time, huh? I just gotta sort something out,” she shuffles back to her room. “I need to go fold some socks or something.”

  Her door slams shut and I can hear the embarrassed screams that she howls into her pillow. I muffle my laughter behind my hand and Kyle’s brooding expression dissipates, releasing a breathy chuckle. He scratches the back of his head, wincing.

  “I hope she’s alright,” Kyle murmurs.

  I smirk softly. “She’ll be alright. It’s her pride that might be bruised for a while though.”

  A silence falls over us, extinguishing the fleeting lighthearted atmosphere between us. Kyle sighs, sitting on the edge of the couch.

  “Take it back, Ken.”

  My gaze flashes to his. His stare burns into my skin, desperate and searching. “Take her deal back.”

  I walk forward sitting on the opposite chair. “I can’t.”

  He tightens his jaw. “Why the fuck not?”

  “Because it’s not that simple.”

  He lets out a derisive scoff. “Don’t give me that crap. What’d she do? Blackmail you to stay away from me? It’s normal for Effie Buchanan to try every trick in the book to get what she wants. So come on, what was it? Blackmail, potential litigation, a handsome payout -”

  “I’ve made my decision, Kyle. I won’t go into it any -“

  “Stop fucking avoiding the question, Kennedy!” He exclaims sharply. I sigh, feeling the list of excuses that were pre-prepared on my tongue falling down to my feet, ripped into shreds. He rubs his tired face.

  “Sorry,” he whispers.

  I glance at my hands in my lap, focusing on the ridges and curves.

  It’s not his fault. Can you blame him, Kennedy? The way you went behind both of their backs, refusing to open up to either one of them.

  You reap what you sow, after all.

  “It’s fucking ridiculous, that’s all,” he mutters. “How are you going to stay away from me if I choose the opposite? Huh? Have you thought about that? What if I don’t want to stop talking to you? What if Roman doesn’t want to give up on you?”

  “He already has,” I whisper.

  His eyebrows knit together. “What?”

  He doesn’t know we broke up? I thought Roman might have told him. “We’re over. We both know what we want and being together wouldn’t make either one of us happy.”

  Kyle shakes his head, averting his gaze as he scans the room. “That makes…no sense. I thought - I thought he was lying when he said you were…going through shit but I thought it was salvageable.”

  “Why do you care? Isn’t this what you wanted?”

  His expression turns stormy. “I didn’t want it like this.”

  “How inconvenient for you,” I breathe.

  “Look,” He stands up, taut with frustration. “I make no apologies for my feelings for you, Kennedy. I’m not sorry for liking you and I won’t apologise for what happened. But I don’t approve is my family’s fucking manipulation of the situation. Something that has nothing to do with them.”

  I get to my feet, lifting my chin. “Nothing to do with them? I know, Kyle! I know, alright? I know that Roman is your brother -“

  His face flashes with a sharp paleness. “What?”

  “Hank Johnson enlightened me after kindly visiting me,” I exhale deeply. “Look, the point is that you think this has nothing to do with your mom? That your family are not involved? That’s not how it works. Whether I like it or not, I’m caught in the middle between you and Roman. I’ve seen the wedge it’s building and I refuse to contribute to it any more.” I close my eyes briefly, leaning my head back before meeting Kyle’s puzzled gaze. “I want you all to stay away from me. I want your mother’s offer and I’m taking it.”

  The shards of pain rip through his facial expression. He clears his throat. “And if I refuse to honor your choice?”

  I have to push him away.

  I have to make him hate me, just like Roman does. Because if I don’t, if I let him linger in my life, while the deal weighs over me like an albatross, then I’ll never be free. I need to take care of Dad. I need Roman and Kyle to be happy, to stay close as brothers, to have a chance at saving their friendship. It was better until I got involved, before I drove them apart.

  Because that’s the truth.

  Right?

  My hands tighten into fists.

  Right.

  I need to take this job and forget this strange family that has their sons rooted in my life.

  Dad’s future depends on it.

  I inhale sharply. “What part of I want you to stay away, don’t you understand? I don’t love you, Kyle and I never will. I’m glad your mom made that offer. I can finally get you both out of my hair and get some peace. Now,
do everyone a favor and leave me the hell alone.”

  I hate myself in this very moment.

  I’ve become the worst version of myself. Kyle’s expression tells me everything I need to know; my words are cruel and jabbed straight to the heart. His jaw tightens, his eyes harden with a steely glint that looks so out of place on Kyle’s handsome, carefree face. It’s eerily familiar to Roman.

  They are brothers after all.

  Why would you be surprised?

  Whatever scraps of our friendship we have left, I’ve set the match to burn it to ash. It’s falling all around us, discarded and grey, abandoned on the floor.

  Kyle’s pained glare pierces my steely resolve. It snatches my heart and tears it away from my comfort zone.

  He swallows deeply, clearing his throat. “You don’t know what you’ve just done.”

  Without another word, Kyle storms out of the apartment, leaving me alone with the ghost of his words.

  No matter how many times I tell myself that this is my choice, that these are the consequences of my decisions, it hurts even more. I feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. I’ve lost Roman. And now Kyle too.

  I swallow back a traitorous sob that wants to jump out. Holly’s door opens and I straighten my back, putting on my poker face. I can’t falter. Not now. I don’t care if everyone sees the mess I’ve become but Holly can’t see me like this. I have to pretend that I made the right choice.

  For my own sanity.

  “Kyle left?” Holly frowns.

  I nod, moving to busy myself in the kitchen. Holly gives me a narrowed stare, saying nothing but her eyes do all the talking.

  I make myself a snack, grabbing some cereal and milk, but my appetite has completely vanished. I feel like a robot, following the motions of what I should be doing, of how I should be functioning.

  None of this feels right.

  “Everything okay? Sounded a bit tense,” Holly mumbles.

  “It’s fine,” I say sharply.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Holly, it’s fine!” I slam the cereal box down. Instantly, a wave of regret washes over my body. Her posture shrinks back a little but she nods stiffly.

  “Sorry,” she turns but I move to grab her hand.

  “No, I’m sorry, Holly,” I say brokenly. The remnants of my sobs come out sparingly, laced into my shaky tone. “I fucked it all up. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”

  She holds me close, stroking my arm. “Tell me, what’s happened?”

  ——

  After spilling my guts to Holly over a tub of peanut butter ice cream, we both lean back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

  “I can’t believe you took that bitch’s offer,” Holly says with her mouth full.

  “She’s not a bitch,” I mumble uncertainty. I mean, aside from Effie’s pretty blunt negotiation, she hasn’t really given much indication that she’s a bitch, per se. “She’s just protective over her son.”

  “Cut the bullshit, Ken,” Holly sits up, her hair spiking up again. “She pretty much gave you a bribe.”

  “I know,” I say defeatedly. “I know, I hear you, I shouldn’t have taken it.”

  “I didn’t say that,” she sighs.

  “It’s stupid and a betrayal. I know. I know exactly what that looked like when she laid it on the table. But I couldn’t get in the middle anymore, I don’t want to break up that family beyond repair.”

  Holly narrows her eyes. “So that’s the only reason you took the deal?”

  I meet her stare, vulnerable and swimming with a burdened truth. “My dad’s sick, Hol. He’s…he’s got a tumor. He’s had some tests done and he’s in a bad state.”

  Holly grabs me up in a tight hug. I allow myself to relax in her arms, the tears flowing freely. “Oh Kennedy, I’m so sorry.”

  I cry freely now, letting the pain and anguish of the last few days spill over, a cathartic release after trying to pent up my emotions, trying to be strong. It’s too much. In the safety and privacy of Holly’s hug, I can let my guard down, free from the judgemental stares. Mostly the judgment that I have for myself.

  After a short while, Holly releases me, stroking my arm tenderly. “I’m sorry, Kennedy. I’m so sorry. Is he going for treatment?”

  I wipe my hot tears away. “He’s starting treatment in a couple of weeks. Chemo and radiotherapy. The doctor told him it’s pretty bad,” I hiccup. “If they left it any later, they suggested he wouldn’t have been able to start treatment.”

  “Oh man,” she sighs. “Thank goodness they caught it in time.”

  “The only thing that’s keeping me going is knowing that there are options, options to help him recover. It’s just the treatment is expensive and I know he won’t be able to afford it,” I say hoarsely.

  “Wait,” Holly raises her eyebrows. “Did you take the deal because of your dad?”

  I look up into Holly’s eyes, my lower lip wobbles. My mind is seconds away from bursting into tears again. “I had no choice, Holly. He’s all I have.”

  “Hey, hey,” she gathers me into another hug. “It’s okay.”

  “I tried to tell Roman but I couldn’t…I was a coward. I thought this was easier, to walk away from him and to focus on myself, on my own family.”

  Holly rests her head on top of mine. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Ken.”

  I clear my face, leaning out of her embrace. “My heart feels like absolute shit and probably will for a long time. The past is done. None of that matters. None of it.”

  She considers my expression, her heavy stare scanning mine. “If you’re sure, then I’ve got your back, whatever you decide.”

  I don’t deserve Holly.

  She’s a wonderful human. Years of being cast aside, treated as the odd girl and the prey that bullies would lunge for had left me shaken up, unable to open up fully to let friendships blossom. But Holly stuck by my side, giving me patience and space to learn from my mistakes and to grow.

  I don’t deserve her.

  I sniffle, holding her hand. “Thank you for being there, Hols.”

  She tightens it back. “Always. Just like you are for me.” She smiles, looking down before her gaze snaps to mine. “But if Kyle Matthews ever wanders in here again when I’m talking about getting railed, I’ll never let you out of this apartment again.”

  I shake her hand. “Done. And done.”

  Holly sniffs earnestly, whipping her frizzy hair back. “Good because I still have some pillow screaming to do.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  FOUR YEARS LATER

  “Kennedy Hinch, you heartless cow!”

  A smile curves on my face as I swivel round on my chair, greeting the head of editorials. Xavier Gillies saunters over to my desk. He’s my best friend and frenemy in this cut-throat workplace and pretty much saved my skin when I was close to getting fired over a wrong mochaccino order. Yep, you heard that right.

  “Language Xavier,” I chuckle.

  He slides over to my desk, perching himself on the edge with his arms folded. His bright blue eyes pierce into mine, full of intrigue and hunger for the latest gossip.

  “Hun, it’s barely ten o’clock. You call that language? Wait until you’ve caught me at the after work drinks,” he drawls with his drawn out British accent.

  “You’re not going, are you?” I groan, sinking into my chair.

  “Apologies your Majesty, but attendance is mandatory,” his gaze skims Effie Buchanan’s office. “Otherwise the Red Queen over there will have your throat.”

  Four years later working for Effie Buchanan and I’ve worked from executive assistant to Assistant Features Editor. It’s somewhere I never dreamed I would have ended up being. I had dreams to be in this line of work but the method of how I started here…wasn’t so planned.

  Forget it, Kennedy.

  Forget it.

  It’s in the past.

  I count myself lucky. Four years of working my butt off, graduating with a college education that would make me a worthy contender and playing the endless mind games of Effie, I managed to beat the odds. I earned my place here. But no matter how hard I work, there’s always that tiny voice in the back of my head, echoing that I’m a fraud, a true impostor.

  It takes more effort to shake that voice off today.