He finally slid back into his chair and she summoned every ounce of self-discipline she had to cover up the fear and act like nothing was wrong. Just another five minutes, then she could switch her full focus to the Marilyn situation.

  ‘Wes, thank you for today. I have to get back to the office.’

  ‘No worries, m’darlin’. Mirren, I was serious when I said I want you at Lomax. I’ll beat your deal. When you’re ready. Anytime.’

  ‘Thanks, Wes.’ Lifting her purse and phone from the table, she was about to stand when his last comment sprang back into her mind.

  ‘Wes, what did you say before about Zander?’

  ‘About pleading his case?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s it. Why would I want to plead his case? Something happened?’

  Wes leaned forward to ensure confidentiality for the first time in the last hour. Mirren immediately realised that didn’t bode well. If the most indiscreet alpha male in Hollywood wanted to keep something secret, it must be seriously bad.

  ‘Listen, this is between you and me. Wanna keep it quiet. Although, it won’t stay that way for long,’ he said pragmatically.

  That sick, queasy feeling was gripping Mirren’s stomach for a second time.

  ‘He failed his drug test. Cocaine.’

  If he’d announced that Zander had just walked bollock naked down Beverly Drive and announced his candidacy for president, she couldn’t have been more shocked. No. It just couldn’t be. He wouldn’t.

  ‘Wes, that’s got to be a mistake.’

  Wes shook his head. ‘Honey, that’s what I’ve said every time I’ve pulled him out of a clinic or a cell. Look, it breaks my heart. We’ve been together for a long time. But sometimes you just have to face facts. The guy’s an addict. He’s always been an addict, he will always be one, and we ain’t gonna change that.’

  No. No. No. No. She struggled to process.

  ‘Wes, he’s not now. I know how bad it was, but you don’t get it. He promised Chloe, and he’d never break that. He can’t be using again.’

  It was the pity in his eyes that caused her heart to crack. ‘Mirren, I know it’s hard, and I know what you’ve been through, but I had the sample tested twice. This isn’t a mistake. Ask yourself how many times you’ve seen this before.’

  The crash just became a full-scale breakage. He was right. Time after time after time Chloe made promises, swore she was clean, vowed that she’d never touch the stuff again. And every single time she lied. Every time. That’s what addicts did.

  She’d believed Zander, she truly had. But medical drug tests didn’t lie. If he was using again, she didn’t want him anywhere near her for two reasons: she would despise him for betraying his promise to Chloe, and she couldn’t love him in case she lost him to an overdose of poison. She couldn’t lose another piece of her heart or grieve for another soul.

  Zander Leith and Davie Johnston, the two guys – after Logan – that she’d loved more than any others, had only just come back into her life.

  Now she knew that she couldn’t let either of them stay.

  35

  ZANDER

  ‘Don’t Give Up’ – Kate Bush & Peter Gabriel

  The Santa Monica cliffs rose high over Bungalow 1 at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel on the corner of Ocean Avenue. It was a paradoxical view. Turn one way and glance over the calm blue seas of the Pacific Ocean; glance in the other direction and your eyes met the towering force of nature that was the mountains.

  Right now, Zander was neither looking nor impressed with either. Instead, he was sitting on the whitewashed steps outside the bungalow, smoking a cigarette and nursing a double espresso purchased from a drive-through Starbucks on the way here.

  Living the dream.

  Hollie, sitting shoulder to shoulder with him, leaned over, removed the cigarette from his hands, took a long, satisfying puff on it, then handed it back.

  ‘You don’t smoke,’ Zander pointed out.

  ‘I’m starting,’ Hollie replied. ‘I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with this life and you is to imbibe as many chemical substances and cocktails as possible. Excuse the irony in that statement.’

  Despite himself, he smiled, then leaned over and nudged her. ‘Thanks for believing me. I can’t decide whether that makes you loyal or deranged.’

  ‘I think definitely both. But you know if I had any doubt at all, I’d kick your ass.’

  He didn’t doubt it for a second. In the car home after the meeting with Wes, he’d had one priority – making Hollie believe him.

  As soon as the doors were closed, he’d turned to her and spoken slowly and calmly. ‘I didn’t use.’

  At first, she didn’t reply.

  He repeated, ‘I. Didn’t. Use.’

  Her gaze had locked on his. ‘I know. I believe you.’

  The strange thing was, he knew that this time she did. She had no reason to trust anything he said. God knows, he’d lied to her before, usually right before she found him lying upside down in a pool of his own vomit beside a dumpster in a strip club’s alley.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because if you were using, then right now you’d be ranting and raging and you’d probably have punched at least one wall on your way out. You get crazy defensive when you’re guilty. But more than that, I’ve watched you every day since Chloe died and I know that even when you want to get completely wasted, she stops you. I think she always will.’

  The uncharacteristic lump in his throat had prevented him from answering. All he’d wanted to do was reach over and hug her. He had no idea what he’d done in life to deserve Hollie Callan being a part of it, but he was so, so grateful. His anxiety level plummeted. She was there; she believed him; he didn’t need to say another word. Instead, he’d started up the car and pulled out of the lot, completely silent. Eventually, Hollie cracked.

  ‘Zander, we need to do something about this. Obviously it’s a mistake. A huge, great, freaking big mistake. We need to get people on it, question it, get it sorted out.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Forget it.’

  ‘Forget it?’

  Hollie had looked at him like he’d gone completely crazy. It might have been close to the truth. It was more than that, though. He was seething at the injustice of it and the fact that Wes hadn’t even given him the benefit of the doubt. Fuck that. They didn’t want him? Fine. He’d move on. He had enough money to last him ten lifetimes, and let’s face it, the twenty years he’d spent in this business hadn’t exactly brought him happiness and fulfilment. All that mattered was that the people he cared about knew the truth. But as for the movie bullshit?

  Enough.

  He was done.

  And suddenly, that didn’t feel like such a bad thing.

  ‘Oh, here we go,’ Hollie had exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air.

  Zander wasn’t following. ‘What?’

  Hollie was the one who switched straight to rant-and-rage mode. ‘You and your strong, silent, pride bullshit. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that if they don’t believe you, they can go fuck themselves.’

  When no argument was forthcoming, she’d ploughed on. ‘But it’s not that simple, Zander. If they cancel you, the word will go out that you’re using again and your career won’t survive the backlash.’

  ‘I don’t care. I’m done,’ he’d replied calmly.

  ‘Oh, cut the big, butch nonsense. I believe you’re clean, Zander, but after this, the rest of the world won’t. You think anyone will give Downey Jr another chance if he fucks up again? Mel Gibson? Come on, you know how it works. If this gets out, there’s no coming back for you. And if you want to walk away from this life, then fine. No problems. But do it on your own terms, not because of some lie or fuck-up that we can’t explain.’

  It made sense. He knew it did. But weariness had consumed him. Nothing was where it should be. Nothing was bringing him happiness. At that moment, he’d just wanted to keep on driving, see where he ended up. Just keep going until this cloud lifted from his shoulders and he felt he was somewhere he wanted to be.

  Mirren.

  Why had he thought of her at that moment?

  He had to tell her about this, but how could he? Didn’t she have enough going on right now? For no other reason than for her, he needed to prove that he hadn’t taken drugs, hadn’t let down her daughter.

  ‘OK, I’m buying it, but, Hollie, whatever way this rolls out, I’m done with this. I’m over this business. I hear you on the drug test, though – we need to find out why it’s messed up.’

  ‘Hallelujah.’ Hollie had immediately snatched her phone and dialled the number of Zander’s lawyer, routing it through the Bluetooth system on the DB7 so that it was on hands-free. For his sins, Bernard Edwards had been on Zander’s payroll for a decade, the different divisions of his company handling everything from assault charges, past and present, to false paternity accusations, contracts and negotiations.

  ‘Hollie Callan,’ Bernard had stated the obvious. ‘What can I do for you?’

  ‘It’s not good when your number is pre-programmed into a lawyer’s phone,’ Hollie had observed, laughing, ‘Sorry to call you so late – and no, he’s not in jail.’

  ‘So you just pre-empted my next question,’ Bernard had replied.

  ‘Is this a bad time to tell you you’re on speaker and Zander is here?’

  ‘There goes my Christmas bonus. Hi, Zander. Sorry about that, but I’m guessing you’re not calling me at this late hour because all’s going well in your life.’

  He had a point.

  ‘If only. Listen, Bernie, here’s what’s happened.’

  He’d outlined the situation, Wes’s reaction and his own response.

  Bernard listened in silence, except for the rustling of paper as he flicked over a page in his notebook. He famously took handwritten notes of every meeting and phone call.

  ‘Leave it with me. I’ll get the guys on it now. We’ll have a writ on Lomax within the hour demanding complete confidentiality on the test results and on your contract termination, and we’ll also secure the test results, clinic details and analysis so our own people can look into it. Do you want to use your own investigators, or shall we use ours?’

  ‘Go with your guys – keep it all in-house,’ Zander had told him.

  ‘We don’t want any of this getting anywhere near the press,’ Hollie had added.

  ‘If it does, it won’t be from our end. However, the confidentiality writ doesn’t guarantee there won’t be a leak at Lomax – just means they can’t publicly announce it. Look, we’ll come down heavy, lay it on thick, protest innocence, wrongful accusations et cetera. Hopefully, that’ll be enough to keep a lid on it until we find out what’s going on. I’ll keep you posted.’

  ‘Thanks. Appreciate it.’

  Hollie had cut the call. ‘OK, I’m feeling like we’re being productive here. Argh, I’m fricking furious. How can this happen, Zander? I don’t get it. How can a negative test somehow turn into a positive one?’

  Zander had pulled up and stopped at a red light on Pico. ‘Mistake. Wrong label. Contamination. Could be any one of loads of reasons, I guess.’

  ‘And you don’t think the timing is strange?’

  ‘What timing? Oh, here we go. You have a conspiracy theory. I’m a grassy knoll.’

  ‘Come on. Your apartment gets trashed one day, positive drug test another? It’s like we’re in the middle of a really bad movie and you’re next to die.’

  ‘Shit happens.’

  ‘Not like that it doesn’t. I don’t know. Just feels off. I want to get to the bottom of it. I’m gonna talk to Bernard about that too. Get his guys to dig around.’

  ‘Right, then, Nancy Drew.’ He’d turned right onto Ocean Drive and headed towards the Fairmont Miramar. Hollie had offered to let him stay with her until they got his place straightened out, and while his first instinct had been to accept, his second was to refuse on the grounds that he infringed on her life enough. Hadn’t she already said she was dating? Going out? The last thing she needed was Zander sitting on the couch when she came home with some dude.

  Easiest thing had been to check into a bungalow at the Fairmont, where he had the mountains behind him, the ocean in front of him, and he could be on a board up at Zuma in fifteen minutes. He’d only been there a couple of nights, but so far, so bearable.

  At the hotel, he and Hollie had jumped out of the car, then she’d walked round and took his place in the driver’s seat. Sometimes it was easier for her to take the DB7 home and collect him in the morning. If she left it up to him, they were invariably late. Not that they had anywhere to go now.

  Unemployed. Disgraced. Wrongfully accused.

  As he’d crashed out to sleep that night, his last thought was that he really didn’t give a fuck.

  Now, in the morning light a couple of days later, his feelings hadn’t changed. For the first time in decades, he’d had a couple of sober, work-free, interruption-free days to really think about his life, and much as deep introspection wasn’t his thing, he knew he should care that it had all gone to hell. But fuck that. Look at his life: what did he have to show for it? No kids, no marriage – the longest relationship he’d had would be considered a short-term romance in anyone else’s relationship book. He’d never travelled – unless it was to a location shoot or to the premiere of a Dunhill movie. Even then, he’d fly in a couple of days before the premiere for press junkets and straight back out after the screening. He’d been to Tokyo, Sydney, London, Johannesburg, Shanghai, Rio, Paris and Rome, and he’d never seen anything other than the inside of a hotel or limo.

  As promised, Bernard Edwards had filed a wrongful termination case against Lomax, and Zander saw Hollie’s point about leaving on his own terms, but the truth was, it still didn’t matter. Would it bring Adrianna to him? She’d made it perfectly clear that she wanted him only when it was convenient for her and he was a bit too old and too wise to be someone’s bitch. Had his movie career brought him any other long-term happiness or fulfilment? No. It was a job.

  Beside him on the step, Hollie took his cigarette off him for the second time and inhaled deeply. ‘No word yet on the tests. Bernard’s people are on it, though.’

  ‘Cool.’

  ‘Cool? Is that it?’ she replied, her irritation obvious.

  ‘What’s up with “cool”?’

  ‘Because it’s not fricking cool. None of it is. I don’t get this, Zander – I just don’t get why you don’t care. Is it because of her?’

  He knew she meant Adrianna but was being bloody-minded by not saying her name.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he answered honestly. ‘I just know that I’m finally sober, after all these years and now that I’m seeing things with a clear head, I’m not sure it’s what I want. Fuck, I sound like a spoilt brat.’

  ‘You do,’ she agreed. ‘But you’re—’ Her words were interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone. Hollie checked the two phones sitting on the side table. ‘It’s yours.’

  She looked at the screen, then immediately adopted an expression of concern. ‘It’s Mirren. Have you told her yet? You need to tell her.’

  ‘I will.’

  He pressed ‘Accept’. ‘Hey, Mirren.’

  She didn’t even open with a ‘hello’. ‘You failed a drug test.’

  A statement, not a question. ‘Yeah, but—’

  ‘Don’t fucking dare give me an excuse, Zander. You promised.’

  He could hear she was crying the kind of tears that came from rage and anger, and the realization that he had made her feel like that confirmed his suspicions that he was the biggest prick on the planet.

  ‘Mirren, it was a mistake. An error. We’ve got people investigating it.’

  Her laugh was thick with scorn. ‘Really, Zander? That’s all you could come up with? It was a mistake? How many times have I heard that? A mistake.’

  Now she just sounded weary and devastated and stressed. Really, really stressed.

  ‘I believed you. I really did.’

  ‘Mirr—’

  ‘Oh fuck off, Zander. Stay away from me. I’ve had enough of liars to last a lifetime.’

  Snap.

  Hollie came out of the bungalow carrying two glasses of soda and saw his face. ‘Shit, what happened? What did she say?’

  Snap.

  The synapses in his brain couldn’t connect to formulate an answer. He was too focused on the two glasses…

  Snap.

  On the cravings that had suddenly overtaken his mind and body.

  Snap.

  And he knew. He absolutely, definitely knew that he needed to top up the soda with Jack Daniel’s.

  36

  SARAH

  ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ – Rockwell

  Another day, another city. And much as she was reluctant to admit it, Sarah’s enthusiasm for the road was beginning to wear thin. How pathetic was that? The glimmer of her rock-star life was tarnishing faster than a Stratocaster in a storm.

  There had been New York, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, back to New York and now they were working their way down the eastern Seaboard. New Jersey. Philadelphia. Baltimore. Washington DC.

  One upside was that the rest of the crew had stopped treating her like a stranger and started to treat her like she was just another one of the team. It was a positive move, made them less wary around her, made them drop their inhibitions. She knew now that Ringo was having a full-blown affair with one of the dancers, whose boyfriend worked on the crew as a light technician. Unlike Ringo and the dancer, Sarah also knew that the lighting technician had been aware of the affair from the start and was hoping it would burn itself out. She really wanted to advise Ringo to avoid standing directly under a rig.

  She’d also learned that Jonell was the prima donna of the group, the irrational, quick-tempered, aggressive pain in the ass who found fault with everything and let everyone know he wasn’t happy.