‘I don’t want to stand out, and it’s all I have anyway.’

  The cabin’s Christmas lights shine brightly as I step into my ute. My phone rings. ‘Amelie.’ Maggie’s voice is unusually shaky. ‘It’s Rocket. Can you come?’

  Maggie is standing at the open front door when I arrive and I follow her through to the sunroom. Rocket is curled up on a mohair blanket in his cage. When he opens his eyes, closes them again and then stretches out, Maggie explains, ‘I know he’s not supposed to come out of his cage, but I’ve been popping him on my lap at night while I watch the telly, just so he gets a bit of variety. He’s been such a good boy, sitting on my lap until I put him back in the cage.’

  ‘Let me guess. He went for a wander.’

  ‘He jumped off my lap and ran into the kitchen quick as a flash.’ Maggie’s voice rises with every word. ‘When I found him, he was on the bench, so I wrapped him up in his blanket and put him back in the cage. I’m frightened he’s hurt himself again.’

  ‘Did he yowl when it happened? Any sign of pain?’

  ‘He didn’t make a sound, but his leg was a funny angle.’

  ‘Let’s take a look.’ Rocket sinks his claws into his blanket and drags it out of the cage as I pull him through the gap and lay him on the floor. A bumpy ridge marks the fracture at the top of his leg. ‘Next week, I’ll bring a portable X-ray to have a better look, but it feels okay.’ When I press gently but firmly, Rocket continues to purr.

  ‘He hasn’t broken it again?’

  ‘No, but we’re only three weeks in.’ I run a finger along the ridge again. ‘It’ll be another five weeks at least before he’s safely climbing trees or bolting over fences.’

  ‘I won’t let him out again, Amelie.’ She shakes a finger at Rocket before I put him back in the cage. ‘Mark my words.’

  Whatever it is that Maggie is cooking smells good. My stomach rumbles. ‘I’ll let myself out.’

  ‘You’re very pretty tonight. Where are you off to? Has some lucky young man asked you out?’

  The more I think about meeting Alex, the less I like the idea of it, but tempting as it is to make excuses and cook cheese on toast for dinner, I owe it to Julia and Summerfield to do what I can to find a doctor to work here. As the pub is only a few hundred metres away, I leave the ute where it is. Before I push open the pub’s heavy timber door, I check my phone. It’s almost eight o’clock but there are no messages from Alex so presumably he’s found a barman to—

  Alex, dressed city casual in an ironed shirt and navy pants, is sitting at a tall table on a bar stool. Julia is on one side of him, elbow on the table and listening intently to whatever it is that Alex is saying. Cameron, hair darker than usual because he’s had it cut, is on Alex’s other side.

  Jimmy, sitting opposite, sees me first. ‘Oi! Amelie! About time you got here!’

  After kissing both cheeks, Alex rests his hand at my waist. ‘I found Julia all by myself.’

  ‘Sorry I’m late.’ I step out of Alex’s hold. ‘Maggie called and I stopped by to see Rocket.’

  ‘Maggie is terribly attached to her cat,’ Julia says. ‘Is he all right?’

  ‘He should be.’ I look past Jimmy to Cameron. He’s not only had a haircut, he’s cleanly shaven. I’d like to take his hand and lead him away. Then what? I cross my arms, uncross them. ‘I made it after all.’ I give Alex a stiff smile. ‘Ready to eat?’

  ‘We lost our table thirty minutes ago,’ Alex says. ‘Julia invited us to join hers.’

  I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or not when I discover Julia’s table is a long, narrow trestle and there are already six people there. Audrey, who apparently lives next door to Julia, is wearing the red tinsel headband she wore when she visited Maggie.

  Milly the hobby farmer waves from the other end of the table. ‘Benedict stayed behind to keep an eye on Belle,’ she says, holding up crossed fingers. ‘The calf should arrive any day now.’

  I feel obliged to follow Alex as he walks around the table and introduces himself to everybody. I’d forgotten how sociable he was. Did I like that about him, the way I was pulled along in his wake? I don’t much like it now. We meet four people I haven’t met before and he jokes that, by the end of the evening, he’ll know more people in Summerfield than I do.

  The woman seated next to Audrey smiles as she holds out her hand. ‘Dr Flanagan. How delightful.’

  There’s not much room at the end of the table. Alex holds out Julia’s chair and, with a smile of thanks, she takes a seat and I sit next to her, with Jimmy next to me. Cameron and Alex sit opposite.

  ‘It seems you think Summerfield will suit some of your doctor mates,’ Jimmy says to Alex. ‘Do you think you could live here too? What do you think of the place?’

  Alex laughs. ‘How can I answer that with Summerfield locals at the table?’

  ‘Amelie too,’ Jimmy says. ‘She was raised in Summerfield.’

  After counting slowly to three, I push the menu aside. ‘When my family left, I was twelve.’

  ‘Old enough to be country at heart,’ Jimmy says proudly.

  ‘I always thought you were city at heart.’ Alex is incredulous. ‘How did I not know this?’

  ‘She might not have happy memories.’ Jimmy grimaces. ‘Got a fair bit of bullying, she did.’

  Cameron stiffens. ‘We order at the bar.’

  ‘Amelie?’ Alex is concerned. ‘Why were you bullied?’

  Jimmy is pointing to my eye when Julia cuts him off: ‘I’m having the schnitzel.’

  ‘Amelie?’ Alex again. ‘Why?’

  I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

  ‘She was academically gifted,’ Cameron says. ‘That made her different.’

  Alex nods. ‘Ahhh.’

  ‘Those parents of yours wouldn’t have helped either.’ Jimmy sips his beer.

  ‘Let’s move on to happier times.’ Julia smiles nervously. ‘A doctor and a vet. How did you two meet?’

  ‘We were at university together,’ I say.

  ‘We met at an awards ceremony, didn’t we, Am? You were Dean’s Scholar in vet science, I was Dean’s Scholar in medicine.’

  ‘How long were you together?’ Julia asks.

  ‘Two years.’ Alex smiles. ‘A long time but not long enough.’

  Jimmy nods wisely. ‘Good to see you’ve stayed friends.’

  Could I ever be friends with Cameron? I’d always want more.

  I spring to my feet. ‘I’m hungry.’

  As everyone else gets up, Alex looks at Cameron. ‘Did you go to school here?’

  ‘Mostly.’

  ‘I’m sure I’ve seen you somewhere. Where did you finish your schooling?’

  A slight hesitation. ‘I got a scholarship in Sydney.’

  ‘Sydney Grammar!’ Alex slaps the table. ‘You were two years ahead of me. Captain of the cricket team and Dux in Mathematics!’

  Jimmy drifts off to the bar as Cameron, Alex and Julia, equally knowledgeable and articulate, discuss country–city politics, healthcare and the environment. Alex, increasingly jocular, drinks four glasses of wine to Julia’s one, while Cameron nurses a beer. When they bring me into the conversation, I keep my answers short before going back to my meal. An enormous bread roll. A tomato and halloumi salad. A mineral water with two shards of lemon bobbing on the ice. When clouds obscure the moon and the wind picks up, I stack my plates and stand.

  ‘I had an early start this morning and have bookings in the surgery tomorrow.’

  ‘Breakfast before I head home?’ Alex says.

  ‘A coffee should work.’

  ‘As soon as you’re back in Sydney …’ He smiles as he takes my hand. ‘We’ll have our dinner for two.’

  After I make my way through the crowded bar to say goodbye to Jimmy, I get stuck with his goat-farming mate who wants to debate the merits of different footrot treatments. I’m trying to escape when Cameron walks past, barely a metre away but with his gaze fixed firmly on the exit sign above the door.

  ‘Cam!’ Jimmy calls out. ‘Come and have a beer, mate.’

  Without breaking his stride, Cameron shouts over his shoulder, ‘Gotta be up early.’

  Alex suggested he and I might get back together, even though our relationship ended two years ago. It was only a week ago I kissed Cameron, but he welcomed Alex as a visitor to Summerfield. He was unfailingly polite. If he cares for me only five percent as much as I care for him, that would have been difficult. When Alex asked why I’d been bullied, I would have stammered a reply. Cameron, telling the truth but not all of it, defended me like he always has.

  ‘Night, Jimmy,’ I shout over the laughter and chatter.

  ‘It’s almost Christmas,’ Jimmy says. ‘Have another drink.’

  I wave my hands in agitation. ‘I have to find Cameron.’

  Chapter 17

  A middle-aged man with white bushy hair bursts into the pub as I reach the door. After stamping his shoes on the doormat, he folds a dripping umbrella and shoves it into a stand.

  ‘You’re not going out in this rain, are you?’ he says. ‘Give it an hour and it’ll blow over.’

  ‘I’m parked close by.’

  Rain cascades down the three front steps and streams across the footpath to the gutter. The streetlights are bright but Cameron, almost across the street, is a blur. Within moments of leaving the shelter of the porch, my hair is plastered to my face and my dress and sneakers are sodden. ‘Cameron!’ The wind steals his name. ‘Cam! Cam! Wait!’

  Still walking, he looks back. Slows down, then waits. As the distance between us closes, I realise what seemed a good idea five minutes ago might not be such a good idea after all. Shadows mask his expression. If he hadn’t had his hair cut, it’d be dripping into his eyes like mine is.

  ‘Amelie.’ His voice is gruff. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘My ute is at Maggie’s house.’

  He thinks about that. Then turns on his heel and walks with such long strides I’m forced to run to catch up.

  ‘Stop going so fast!’

  He slows his pace, but not by much. ‘Why did you yell “Cam”?’

  ‘I was shouting. It just came out.’ My dress sticks to my legs; I pull the fabric above my knees. ‘Was it a problem?’

  ‘You always call me Cameron. Why?’

  Self and social awareness. Emotional intelligence. Self-regulation and empathy. He’s clever in so many ways that I’m not. Why do I call him Cameron?

  Christmas tree lights sparkle through Maggie’s neighbour’s window. ‘That’s what you were called at school.’

  ‘The teachers called me Cameron.’ We pass his ute, but he keeps walking. ‘You were the only kid who called me Cameron.’

  ‘Oh.’

  After reaching Maggie’s house, we face each other on the nature strip. ‘We’re not at school now.’

  Bottle brush trees, foliage sagging with the weight of the rain, grow either side of us. A streetlight illuminates a patch of grass and rain tumbles into it. Cameron’s mouth is wet too.

  ‘What do you want me to call you?’ I ask.

  ‘Take a guess.’

  When we kissed, he called me sweetheart. Is that what he wants? What do I want? There are two steps between us and I take them. ‘Alex means nothing to me.’

  ‘When we talked about relationships, you said you’d never been serious with anyone. It’s not a problem that you were, but I wish you’d been upfront about it.’

  ‘It was on and off.’

  ‘Two years of on and off is serious.’

  ‘It didn’t feel like that.’

  He shakes his head, takes a step back. ‘You don’t have to clarify. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘I wanted you to know the truth.’

  ‘You deserve to be happy, whoever it’s with.’

  ‘I’ve never wanted Alex. I don’t want him now.’

  ‘He doesn’t know anything about you.’ He frowns. ‘Nothing about your childhood.’

  A four-wheel drive with lights on high beam turns into the road. The car slows, but a wave of water shoots from the wheels. Cameron takes the brunt of it, but now we’re even wetter than we were. Shouldn’t we laugh? The thought that we can’t puts a lump in my throat.

  ‘University, work, parties.’ My voice is scratchy. ‘Alex knows the good. You mostly know the bad.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘The way my parents were. How unhappy I was. The bullying.’ ‘You think that’s all I saw?’ He comes so close that, even in the half-light, I see the green in his eyes. ‘I knew I’d never meet anyone as smart as you. Is that bad?’

  I swallow. ‘No.’

  ‘You pressed your lips together to stop yourself correcting our teachers when they were wrong. Is that bad?’

  ‘Did I?’

  ‘You walked through the school gates, day after day, month after month, as if each day would be different.’

  ‘I wanted to learn.’

  ‘You wanted more, Amelie, but you never got it.’

  ‘I liked the animals in Summerfield.’

  ‘No one was game to ride your crazy grey horse, but you climbed on his back. I saw that too.’

  ‘I loved him.’

  His eyes are even brighter than they were. ‘Your optimism. Your capacity to forgive. The way you smile at children and strangers.’ He searches my face. ‘You’re a fucking Christmas miracle.’

  I don’t know whether it’s tears or rain that I swipe away. ‘I didn’t want you to see me as vulnerable. I hated how you were there whenever bad things happened.’

  ‘You hated me.’

  ‘I thought you hated me.’

  ‘I hated how you hid in plain sight, and nobody knew you were there. I hated how you were treated. I hated how you looked through me, how you didn’t want to see me.’

  My hands flutter between us. ‘You looked out for me. You were kind. I see that now.’

  ‘That was when we were kids.’ He takes my hands and tangles our fingers. ‘What do you see now?’

  A month ago, I hated Summerfield. A month ago, I hated him. Now …

  I stand on my toes and lay my hand against his cheek, and he leans into my palm. When I slide my thumb over his mouth, he wraps his arms around me.

  ‘I like your hair short.’ My voice is croaky. ‘I like it long too.’

  He brushes hair from my face and kisses my mouth as the rain falls all around us. A hard kiss. A soft one. A searing, searching, fiery kiss that grasps my heart and holds on tight. I tug his buttons and burrow under his shirt to find his skin and the warm hard strength of his body. He opens buttons on my dress and kisses my neck, trails his lips down my collarbone. He sets off a desperate needy tingling from my breasts to my thighs.

  ‘Cameron …’ My voice is up and down a scale. ‘Can we go somewhere else?’

  ‘First you have to tell me,’ he murmurs against my mouth, breath as unsteady as mine. ‘What do you see when you look at me?’

  I search his handsome face in the way he searched mine. ‘You’re still Cameron, but you’re different.’

  Groaning a little, he rests his forehead on mine. ‘You said you didn’t want serious.’

  ‘I don’t know what it looks like.’

  ‘It doesn’t look like anything.’ He speaks quietly. ‘You feel it.’

  ‘Like I’m supposed to feel Christmas?’

  With a sigh, he steps back, but when I sway, he takes hold of my hands. ‘I’ll tell you what I feel.’

  ‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’

  ‘At school, you were smart and brave, but now there’s more. You’re accomplished and modest. You’re generous and sweet. When you smile, when you cry, when you’re confused, like you are right now, there’s no one more beautiful. That’s why I want you.’

  I force words through the lump in my throat. ‘If you want me, why can’t we go to your house?’

  ‘Last time we got close, you ran. I need to know you won’t do that again.’

  ‘I’m only here for three more weeks.’

  ‘You can take my hand, kiss my mouth, use me as a windbreak if that’s all you’re ready for. I want you to communicate, to tell me what you’re feeling.’ He leans in close, presses his cheek against mine. ‘You have to give me something to hold on to.’

  Chapter 18

  I’m rolling over in bed to turn off the light when I hear a tap on the door.

  ‘Cameron. Are you there? It’s CJ.’

  By the time I scramble to the end of the bed, Keith Urban is at the door and wagging his tail. I take two rungs at a time down the ladder. When I open the door, CJ, arms wrapped around his body, blinks. His eyes are red and his face is blotchy.

  ‘I saw the light,’ he says. ‘I forgot you were here.’

  ‘What’s the matter, CJ? It’s after ten. How did you get here?’

  ‘I rode my bike. Cam isn’t here, is he? He’ll be at his house.’ CJ, tears now streaming down his face, backs away. ‘It’s late like you said. I’ll go home again.’

  ‘Wait, CJ. What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s about cricket.’ He sniffs and wipes his nose. ‘I’ll tell Cam tomorrow.’

  ‘You were on your way to cricket the first time we met.’ I put a hand on his arm. ‘I don’t know anything about cricket except that the balls are hard, but I don’t think you should ride all the way home again until you’ve had a break. I have hot chocolate. Why don’t you come in?’

  ‘I hate the balls too.’ He sniffs and shudders as I close the door behind him.

  ‘Is that what you wanted to talk to Cameron about?’

  ‘Team selection for next year started tonight and I didn’t go.’ I give CJ tissues and he blows his nose. ‘I’ve been skipping cricket practice, but the selection sessions are compulsory.’

  ‘Are you worried that Cameron will find out?’

  ‘He’s good mates with one of the selectors, so it’ll happen sometime. I wanted to tell him last week but …’ CJ shudders. ‘I didn’t have the guts.’