CHAPTER 3

  The church picnic having been Sunday afternoon, Paterson’s phone call to my dad coming that night, and my huge moment on falling in love with him or not happening on Monday, it was Wednesday evening before I saw him again.

  I was feeling almost human, my head a bit clearer and my nose less sniffly. My fever was also gone, so I decided to dress and go to church. I’d thought to show up like always, riding with my parents, but Paterson called an hour before and said he’d pick me up. Okay, maybe that was what dating couples did, so I didn’t argue.

  I did, however, dress up and fix my hair. I picked out a flowy white v-neck blouse and my favorite jeans. At the last minute opting for turquoise wedges instead of sneakers. I was a tad excited to be getting out of the house and also edgy over seeing Paterson to the point of breaking into a cold sweat at the door bell’s chime.

  I opened the door half-expecting to swoon at the sight of him, and instead laughed because he’d forgotten to shave. “You look goofy,” I said.

  He grinned. “You don’t like it?” He was rubbing his palms up and down his cheeks making raspy noises.

  “I will never kiss you with all those hairs sticking out everywhere.”

  “Aw, c’mon,” he said, grabbing hold of me and grating his skin against my face.

  I squealed and smacked him on the neck until he released me. “I’m not even sure I want to admit I know you,” I said.

  He stuck his lip out in a pout. “And here I’ve brought you a gift.”

  “A gift? You did?”

  He bowed and produced from behind his back a box about two inches square. It was wrapped in shiny silver foil with a red ribbon on top, and I had this brief thought his mom had wrapped it. No way Paterson did as he could barely tie his shoes.

  “Open it,” he said.

  I slipped the ribbon off and tore the paper. I removed the lid. “A necklace?” I looked up at him. “Where’d you get it?”

  “Uhm, the store.”

  “Why?”

  He took the box from my hand and tugged the necklace from its foam cushion. “Turn around.”

  I obeyed, the entire time wondering why he was doing this. Every time I thought I’d figured him out, I hadn’t, and that was beginning to make me have doubts.

  He brought the necklace around the front of me then fastened it behind. I straightened the gold heart dangling on the chain. It was very pretty, exactly what I’d choose, but he would know that. I’d never worn flashy jewelry or anything too expensive. So my surprise wasn’t in the style of it, only the purchase to start with.

  “You didn’t answer my question,” I said.

  “Why?” he asked, repeating my words. He took hold of my shoulders and turned me around.

  I swallowed hard at the look on his face. He’d never looked at me like that before, or at least, I didn’t remember it. I also no longer needed an answer to my question because it was written there plain. However, it was too late to call it back, and Paterson, being himself, would say something.

  “I wanted to,” he said. “You’re trusting me. Remember?”

  I nodded, still drawn to his eyes.

  “You ready?” he continued.

  I coughed lightly and dragged my gaze away from his face. “Y-yes,” I said.

  But he stuck out his hand for mine, and I stalled. Hold hands? I couldn’t hold hands with Paterson. Holding hands meant we were … were … serious.

  “Nat, take my hand. I won’t explode,” he said.

  “But …” I glanced at him, and froze again with his expression. This time it was lined with disappointment, and my insides twisted. I didn’t want to upset him, but I had all these mental blocks in my head. For his sake, I lifted my arm and brought it halfway there.

  He met it, his palm flat, his fingers curved up. “Close your eyes,” he said.

  “My eyes?”

  “Just do it.”

  I shut my lids and red spots danced in my vision. I started at the movement of his hand. What was he doing? He cupped my fingers in his palm and curling his over the top, selected my forefinger and massaged it from the base to the tip. He moved next to my middle finger, doing the same gentle tugging and sliding motion. Some exotic sensation whisked up my arm and into my face, and by the time he’d finished, I was lighter than air.

  “Okay, you can look now,” he said.

  I was well aware our hands were clasped together. He’d done that at the end, but given what he’d performed to put them there, I wasn’t about to complain. In short, that was amazing.

  “Are you ready now?” he asked.

  I nodded, my voice gone, and followed him readily out the door.

  ***

  Penny positioned herself in the chair in front of me and faced backwards. The thrumming music and flashing lights of the youth center made it difficult to talk, but I could see she was determined to try. I leaned in, all but certain of her first words.

  “So you and Paterson are … you know.” She let the thought trail away.

  I wasn’t going to make it easy for her. If she wanted info, she’d have to fish for it.

  “Are what?” I asked.

  She puckered her lips, slightly miffed. “Are actually doing this?”

  I eyed her. She’d put on too much eye makeup again. I hated it when she did that because it made her look clownish.

  “Depends on your definition of this,” I said.

  She gave a huff. “This. Holding hands. His arm around your shoulder. That this.”

  I smiled. “We did hold hands. You’re right, and he did put his arm around me.”

  I’d actually liked that, which surprised me. It was cold in the youth room and Paterson was warm by nature. I’d remarked on that more than once in the past. Therefore, at first, I’d excused it as my usual need for body heat. But then his fingers began stroking my upper arm, and I’d had no defense except I was simply enjoying it.

  “And?” she pressed.

  “And what?”

  “Why are you being difficult?” she asked. “I think all this has gone to your brain.”

  Maybe it had. We’d drawn more looks than just hers that evening and Evelyn’s most of all. Evelyn didn’t usually come on Wednesdays, so I had a strong suspicion that this particular Wednesday she’d made it her mission to be there just for us.

  This made me think Paterson was pretty smart. I’d have walked in and acted like usual, whereas he had us all hitched up. But that thought bothered me some because it gave the whole thing less meaning. I decided to set it aside and go instead by the look he’d given me before we left.

  I craned my neck around her to see where he’d gone and spotted him in the corner with a couple friends. He was facing me; he smiled and winked.

  Penny, who’d followed my gaze, sucked in her breath. “He winked at you.”

  I smiled. “Yes, he did.” An unexpected reaction and a nice one. “He also sent me flowers and bought me this necklace,” I added.

  She spun her head around. “He did?”

  I held out the charm for her to see, and she tilted her head.

  “Wow. I’m speechless.”

  But she wasn’t because she kept talking.

  “I thought this was a joke.” She lowered her voice. “You know, because of Evelyn. But you and he are really … I mean … Is he actually going to kiss you?”

  I’d released my necklace and set my hands in my lap. I stared down at them, thinking again of his fingers next to mine. That really hadn’t been so bad.

  “Nadia.” Penny’s voice poked into my head.

  “Huh?” I looked up, my thoughts scattering. “Yeah, he says he is. Why wouldn’t he?”

  “Why wouldn’t he what?” Paterson spoke from behind me. I hadn’t heard him approach.

  I leaned my head back and gazed straight up at him. “Why wouldn’t you kiss me? Penny wanted to know.”

  He switched his gaze to her and so I raised my head level. He laid his hands on my shoulders.

  “The better question is why will I?”

  “It is?” Penny and I spoke at once.

  He stepped over the chair to my left and seated himself, but turned to face me diagonally. “Of course,” he said. “And there are a thousand reasons.”

  “Such as?” Penny asked.

  I was curious now. He’d surprised me plenty in the last four days. Why should tonight be an exception?

  “I get to look in her eyes.” His voice became low and husky. “And touch her lips and taste her breath. Those seem like good reasons to me.”

  Heaven, help me, I was hot as fire now, every nerve standing to attention and goosepimples rising on top of my goosepimples.

  Penny cleared her throat. “That’s … that’s only three reasons.”

  He’d taken hold of my hand again and was doing that … that thing he’d done before, slowly working our hands together. If Penny noticed, I hadn’t any idea because I was sailing too high.

  I had this tiny corner of doubt still about his motive. He’d done his best to reassure me, but the one thing that continued to prick at me was the idea he wanted to see if we would fall in love. On the outside, that seemed a harmless statement, but on the inside, I kept wondering if it accounted for all this strange behavior. I mean, I’d never pegged Paterson for a romantic, yet here he was being exactly that, so what if he was trying to convince himself by acting this way?

  He’d sealed our hands by this point and was pulling me to my feet. Penny was looking up at him, more than a little baffled and overwhelmed. I wanted to ask her, “How do you think I feel?” but didn’t.

  Paterson tugged me down the row, at the end halting and glancing back at her. Her last remark still hung in the air, and I wondered if he intended to say something or not. At this point, what did I know about what he would or wouldn’t do?

  He switched his gaze again to me. “Those are only three reasons,” he said, “but those are the three I love the most.”

  ***

  “Can we talk?” Nadia turned herself a bit sideways in the passenger seat.

  Paterson nodded. He’d driven to the mall and parked about one hundred feet from the entrance with no intention of getting out. This was more a stopover on their way home.

  “Really talk, like you and me like always talk?” she asked. “Because all this has been great, and I get it. I do. You’re … and it’s … and I’m stunned, but I need the old Paterson back for a second.”

  “Okay,” he replied. “Let me see if I can find him. Wait, he’s right here.”

  “Not funny. Seriously, why are you doing this?”

  He blew out a breath. “Why do you keep asking me that?”

  “Because I don’t know this guy and I know the other one.” Her voice had risen.

  “Maybe I’m trying to impress you. Have you thought of that?”

  Whatever she’d expected of him, apparently yelling was it because she was relaxing more now than she had all evening.

  “You don’t have to impress me,” she said. “You don’t even have to try to convince me anymore. I’ll kiss you tonight, tomorrow, and next week if I can still feel like you’re in there and not this sap you’ve become.”

  A sap? She thought he was a sap. That wasn’t what he wanted at all. Okay, so maybe he’d gone overboard, but she’d liked it. She couldn’t deny that. And in some bizarre way he’d liked it, too.

  “It won’t be the same,” he said. “So why bother? I’ll call it off, talk to Evelyn.”

  “Why? Why can’t we just keep your word, have a good kiss, and move on?”

  “Move on.” He said it flat and lifeless. “Of course, because that’d get you out of feeling anything for me.”

  “I feel things.” She waved her hands wide. “I like you. I look forward to talking to you. I respect you, and now, I’m impressed by you. So there. I am impressed. Paterson Radovich is a closet romantic with the ability to make a girl swoon. I’ll write you a recommendation for when that girl comes along.”

  “Give me a break,” he said.

  Is that all she’d thought this was? His frustration rising, he opened the car door and got out. The click of hers a moment later made him jump. She walked around the car and stood in front of him. He crossed his arms over his chest.

  “How many arguments have we ever had?” she asked.

  He shrugged.

  “Ten, maybe?” she continued.

  “This makes eleven then,” he said.

  “I want to know why this matters to you,” she said. “Are you trying to prove something to yourself? You’re lonely and want a girlfriend, so you’re trying it out on me? What?”

  He glared at her and licked his lips. “Maybe you should ask yourself why it doesn’t matter to you. You don’t want to admit you’re an attractive girl and I’m a guy interested in you. You want everything to be the same. Me as good ole Paterson and you as Nadia, best bud. But I don’t want that anymore. Yeah, maybe Evelyn’s comment made me speak. Yeah, at first, it was harmless. Now, it’s not. Now, I want this, and I think you’re afraid.”

  She exhaled, the breath elongated. “You’re right,” she said at last. “I am. I’m afraid what we have will fall apart and I’ll be left with nothing.”

  “What we have will fall apart and we’ll both be left with nothing the day some other guy catches your eye and you’re swept away,” he said.

  She silenced.

  “You haven’t noticed that. Have you? Nat, nobody knows me better than you do. Nobody understands me better than you do. Nobody helps me out more, supports me better, or makes me laugh quite the same, and I don’t want to be standing here the day you leave wondering if I should have made my move.”

  “I … never thought of that,” she said.

  “I know. So let me do this. I want this. I want us.”

  She stepped closer and looked up at him, her face bathed in the yellow light of the nearby street lamp. “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” she said, her voice soft.

  “It’s the truth. I want to know if I can be the guy who makes your stomach flutter and your heart dance for all the thousand reasons locked in my head and the three I gave that mean the most. I don’t want to look elsewhere for some other girl when the one standing right here already has all the qualities I seek.”

  He raised a hand to her face and settled in on her cheek. “Why can’t I think you’re beautiful? You are. I’ve noticed that for months now. And why can’t you feel the same for me?”

  Nadia laughed. “You wanna know something?”

  “What?” he dropped his hand to his side.

  “I never thought of you like that until all of this, but then I got to noticing.”

  “Oh?” He dropped his head closer to hers.

  “Yes,” she breathed. “And that hand thing you did. Where’d you learn that?”

  “Mmm, that’s a secret I will not divulge.”

  “You can … can do that anytime you’d like,” she said.

  He smiled. “Good to know.”

  “Paterson?”

  “What?” The warmth of her breath kissed his lips.

  “I’ve changed my mind.”

  “About what?” he asked.

  She bit her bottom lip and released it. “Kissing you. Nothing says you can’t kiss me tonight.”

  He chuckled. “No, nothing says that. Except maybe your cold.”

  She sighed. “Rats.”

  He raised his head. “Tell you what. Turn around.”

  “Turn around? Why?”

  “Because I asked, that’s why. Now, turn around.”

  She rotated in a circle, placing her back to him.

  “Now, don’t flinch,” he said.

  Lifting her hair, he coiled it in his hand and carried it to the side. He then bent forward and pressed his mouth to the base of her neck.

  She gasped, a delicate hiss. “I think that’s almost as good,” she whispered.

  He released her hair and pulled her back against him. “Mmm. Almost.”

  CHAPTER 4

  My mom took me shopping Thursday for a new dress. She had two reasons for doing this. One, because I asked, and two, because as a dear friend of Mr. and Mrs. Radovich, she felt obligated.

  I liked Paterson’s parents. They’d moved into town in early 2005 and spent six months remodeling what was then the most rundown house in the neighborhood – repainting, replacing the grass, installing new windows. In short, making a lot of noise and mess, and it was this that caused me to first go over there.

  I was inordinately nosy at age nine and wanted to know exactly where the irritating new boy in my class lived. So one Saturday I snuck over there, wriggling through the hole in our privacy fence and climbing the chain link of the neighbor directly behind us only to end up knee deep in a frog pond I hadn’t known was there in full sight of Paterson.

  And he did something strange. Seeing me standing there drenched to my underwear, seemingly having all the fun, he jumped in beside me. This pretty much describes our relationship from then on. If he’d try it, I’d follow after. If he came down with it, I caught it, too, and so on. Until I hit puberty.

  That day, Paterson wanted me to come out and ride bikes, but all I could do was curl up on the couch and sob. After all, the world was ending and I was fully convinced I’d be dead by morning. So he offered to let me ride on his handlebars (his way of being nice). However, I said no, and standing there over me, his face all wrinkled up, he’d shrugged and walked out.

  He came back later and told me it was no fun alone. He’d rather play video games if I was up to it. I’d said yes and we’d subsequently spent the entire afternoon chugging cola and stuffing our faces with chips and brownies instead.

  I was thinking of all this on the ride to the department store, how we’d come this far from ponds to bikes to puberty to when his voice changed, and that memory made me grin. He’d had a really rough time of it, his voice breaking at the slightest word, and me giggling every time. But then it had settled and he’d simply sounded like Paterson, only older.

  Here we were yet again at another milestone in our lives, and as usual, we were taking the same path, but this one required roles, something we hadn’t done before. Before we were equals, either one of us able to do most anything the other tried: fly a kite in the empty lot at the end of the street, swim across Mackinaw Lake to the peninsula on the other side, run the length of the football stadium twelve times. Yet now … now he was the boy and I was the girl, our given parts locked into place.