APPENDIX 13

  Journal Fragment 5 November 1957

  Tuesday night: November 5

  Brief note: to self. Time to take myself in hand. I have been staggering about lugubrious, black, bleak, sick. Now to build into myself, to give myself backbone, however much I fail. If I get through this year, no matter how badly, it will be the biggest victory I've ever done. All my spoiled little girl selves cry to escape before my bad-teaching, ignorant somnolence is made drearily public among my old teachers and my new students. If I fainted, or paralysed myself, or pleaded gibberingly to Mr. Hill that I couldn't carry on, I'd probably escape all right: but how to face myself, to live after that? To write or be intelligent as a woman? It would be a worse trauma than this, although escape looks very sweet & plausible. This way, I can build up a dull, angry resentment & feel I'm going through with it & will deserve my freedom in June, for sacrificing a year of my life. 7 more months.

  First of all? Keep quiet with Ted about worries. With him around, I am disastrously tempted to complain, to share fears and miseries. Misery loves company. But my fears are only magnified when reflected by him. So Mr. Fisher called tonight & is coming to sit in on my class Friday. Instead of complaining to Ted, feeling my tension grow, echoed in him, I am keeping quiet about it. I will make my test of self-control this week being quiet about it till its over. Ted's knowing can't help me in my responsibility. I've got to face it & prepare for it myself. My first day of Lawrence. Wednesday & Thursday to prepare for it. Keep rested. That's the main thing. Make up a couple of little lectures. Get class prepared.

  The main thing is to get on top of this preparation. To figure how to start teaching them about style. For the first lesson, make up general lectures about Form of papers, organization, read from papers. Don't get exasperated. A calm front: start at home. Even with Ted I must learn to be very calm & happy: to let him have his time & not be selfish & spoil it. Maturity begins here, however bad I am. I must prepare lectures, however poor.

  After this week, enjoy reading: make up ways to present symbol, style. Lectures for confidence. Don't look at year: from now till tomorrow. From then till the next day. Then next week. Then next week. Then, Thanksgiving, and a real chance at rehabilitation & work. I'll trudge on till then.

  I want to enjoy this as much as I can. Which means I must work for preparation & not procrastinate in fear, and teach in sick fear. Confidence. It begins at home. In keeping Ted from knowing the worst. Then I won't know it myself. I'll be living with it. Rest, calm. Nothing will help if I get nervous & miserable & worry. It salves guilt to feel "at least I'm sick & miserable", that's payment for being a bad teacher. No. I'll try to brazen it out. To keep my outside contacts. Letters to Krook, Wendy. My being a bad teacher this year will only prove I can earn board & keep and not quit. I quit my waitress job; I wanted to quit my first babysitting job. I will not quit on this. I need somebody to slap me. It won't be Mr. Hill. It will be myself. Don't be spoiled, in dry accents. I contracted for this. I'll work to do my best, however bad, and not lose face.

  Each week I'll make up some small new outpost to conquer: first I couldn't sleep without pills, now I can. First I couldn't see girls in my office without exhaustion, now I can. I can also write a letter, bake a good pie. Victories, however small. Now I'm going to be more ambitious: this week I won't share my worry about visiting with Ted, Nor my worries in general. I'll shut up and work. Confiding in him is my worst weakness. I feel he deserves to bear my pain and share it, but I must shoulder my aloneness somehow, and begin to be nobler. To work within my immediate job, demands & problems, and pretend that Ted is outside them, not drag him in at every moment. This is a beginning. To bear my Visitor alone.

  APPENDIX 14

  Hospital Notes

  HOSPITAL NOTES:

  Ethel D: 74: Memory worse on death of husband - - - wanders around house to get milk from icebox, putting it back under her bed, making days out of nights and nights out of days, thinking at times that she is in winter during the summer and vice versa. Unable to say how old she is. Daughters wanted to improve mother's condition. Diet? Piano lessons?

  40 year old sewing machine salesman. Unusual symptom for him of depression. Tried to deal with it through active physical exercise at the Y, outdoor interests and, on occasion, prayer. Complains of absence of zip and drive which he formerly had in large quantities. Not selling as well as he used to. Job performed from 6-9 in evenings. Chronic eczema.

  Ida M: 50: Jewish. Husband has ignored her for past 3 years. Only coming home late at night to sleep. Nervous, ill-tempered, impatient man. Constantly referring to her as a crazy deaf-mute. Against her going to any doctors. Will not get a divorce but tells her to. Dates present "sad" state of mind to marriage 12 years ago - - - followed courtship of over 10 years. Brought from Russia when a baby. Husband a cab driver.

  Catherine B: 51: Intolerable behavior of husband. Extremely jealous and almost since time of marriage accused her of infidelity as well as having doubted the paternity at various times of various of their children. Extremely suspicious of wife - - - suspecting her every move and association. Things became quite intense about 4 years ago when he doubted paternity of certain of his children and demanded blood tests. Two times made gestures of killing wife. Husband constantly ranting and raving in very boisterous fashion, accusing her at the top of his lungs of infidelity.

  Dominic R: Italian, West End. Mother & father first cousins. Two other children born paralyzed, blind, eventually died. Father a fisherman. Nervous about being knifed in the back. On guard duty in Korea began to read books on nervousness, seen in pamphlets advertised on subway. Crying jags.

  25 year old twice-married once-divorced mother of three. "I hate my children". Fear of dark. Sleeps fully dressed.

  Job: poultry company. Eviscerator of chickens. Loves job, really loves chickens, can eat them raw. Loves macaroni. Eats I lb dry weight at a time. Constantly asks mother for more food.

  Sister Jean Marie: Catholic nun. Evaluated for noises in her ear. Gave up teaching position as principal at Academy. Feeling of head being big as though she were dizzy or faint. Noises sounded articulated but generally indistinguishable - - - few words heard. Rhythmic repetitions of Arizona or Amen. Also: angry woman's voice shouting high and a man's voice, pitched low but could not distinguish what they were saying. Other sensations - - - strumming of a low-pitched cello and other non-human voices.

  Emily P: Invisible person in the house having sexual relations with her at night. Also with two sons and that she has heard various voices along with strange noises like there are many telephones rigged up in the house. Also complains of unpleasant odors emanating from her family. She is referred to in papers and on radio as being crazy - - - both talking about her in many indirect ways. Suspicious her family is attempting to poison her. Husband says wife has bought long knives and has threatened his death. He has buried the knives.

  Laura D: Mother did not accept child's death. Withdrew literally and stopped talking. Has not recalled much of incidents surrounding illness, death and burial. Has "seen" and "talked" with daughter on occasions since. Occasions very real to patient. Child told her she was going to stay with God and patient should not cry. Two days ago "saw" child at a religious ceremony and fainted.

  Laura R. Floridly tinted orange hair. Hat-check girl. Models in nude for photographer. Lesbian girlfriend.

  Valborg M: Norwegian. Father: farmer & alcoholic in Minnesota.

  Corinne H

  Wesley B

  Robert U

  Mae W

  Andrew A

  Marcia L: Father, a man with no mouth.

  Dorothy S: Nightmares: saw own head amputated but hanging on by skin.

  Mannie L

  Perry B

  Arlene R

  Mary M: dream: working at bedside of man resembling one of former patients who is middle-aged and has family and who was very friendly to her but no improperly so. In dream, while in bedroom, went to closet and looked into laundry bag and found five heads. Four were those of children whom she cannot identify. The fifth head was that of her mother as she appeared when patient was a child.

  Engaged to a man with a glass eye. 4 years ago: neighbor's dog in back yard barked at night and not only noise, but population in town was increasing. Owing to efforts of her husband there are no longer any dogs in her town ... unable to see insomnia as a result of tensions in herself and continues to blame it on dogs in the neighborhood. (I do feel I have a schizophrenic patient between my hands).

  Ferrara: Fear of heart attack. Average day: 7:30 takes puppy out for a walk around the block. Goes and meets other fellows who may not be at work that day and they have a beer or two. Then returns home in mid-morning and watches TV shows. Wife may take children to beach for an outing but he stays home "because he is afraid something might happen." Foreman in Boston Molasses Factory.

  Philip S: Feels guilty of father's death. Contractor: doorknobs and windows. Left father's business & set up on own. Father died while patient was at Country Club at a party.

  Francis M: 39, epileptic. Unmarried cemetary worker. Chief complaint - - - wants to be able to make friends and go out with girls. Steady job at Cambridge cemetary, tending flowers. Very shy. Spends most of free time at home listening to records, or going to movies, feeling constantly alone.

  Spero P: 34 years old. White, single elementary school principal. Fears asphyxia and death. Inability to maintain intense relationship with a girl when marriage is considered. Intensely absorbed in hatred of mother. Curses her as vain, inhuman, vicious, strict, stubborn, foul old woman who administered inhuman beatings upon him when young. Fear of own impotence. States he can excel at anything and can prove it to anyone. Can annihilate anyone in argument.

  First husband lost at sea from private yacht.

  Edward C: Episodic attacks in which he doesn't feel himself. During attacks feels sense of unreality. When he watches TV he feels he is the one who is creating everything. Once a hurricane came and when the hurricane was over he felt it was he who had created the hurricane and all the damage that was done.

  3rd year Harvard student majoring in government. Member of Quill and Scroll. Very ambitious. Wants to go to law school and into politics and reach the highest peak in political fields.

  Barbara H: Felt something moving in her stomach. Might turn to animal or be pregnant, and have puppies. Turn into mule or horse. Thought she was growing hair on face. 35, married, white.

  John M: 44, has lived in Medford for "three centuries". Everything has to be perfect with

  Philomena T. While making a cake found she'd left out one ingredient. Went crazy, pulling hair, banging fist, smashing hands against the wall.

  Mary T: 67, married. Buttonhole-maker in factories.

  Lillian J; 68 year old woman. Fascinating obsessional thought she's pregnant. Boyfriend (52) for last 30 years. Won't marry him. Sex play. Husband (first) died after 6 years marriage of TB. 11 room rooming house.

  Martin R:

  Edson F: Large plot going on. Raped in his sleep - - - "They put me to stud". Produces a number of documents to indicate his existence. Birth certificate. Poll tax papers and naturalization papers.

  Leonard R.

  William H: 66, retired railroad expressman. Never developed any real interest or any resources within himself. Only sustained perfect source of gratification his job: an extremely efficient hard-working ionist.

  Charles L

  Robert H

  Lillian E

  Mary B

  Arthur B: older looking than 46. Absence of teeth and grossly wrinkled skin.

  Minnie L: People on Tv talked crazy talk and seemed mixed up. Newspapers seemed different and foolish. Awful tightness in her chest "like a bear was squeezing her" and she dreamed about things she'd seen on the TV during day. Middle-aged with scraggly hair and a single prominent tooth in upper jaw.

  John M.

  Mary Ellen J.

  Aurora L: Father meat-cutter, husband undertaker.

  John M: Machinist. Newton Ball Bearing Co. Engineer New England City Ice Co. Exterminator. Mightmare: grain of sand rested on chest, would increase in size to that of a house: sensation of smothering, being crushed.

  Frank S: Tonsils and adenoids: cloth over eyes, ether: Thought he was in rollers of a cottonmill; fought to be free.

  "I feel guilty over my 'social malevolences'." Dates onset of illnest from reading of The Rebel by Camus. Feels he has significantly hurt emotionally vulnerable people by threatening and distainful looks. In Germany felt desire to hurt or punish German people. Did this by threatening looks at passers-by. During this time felt personality more magnetic and powerful than that of most people.

  Staircase: EW case: clerk runs for record, breaks head, internal injuries, dies. Electrician at Christmas: ladder falls in main lobby.

  Secretary's Meeting:

  Dr. Crawford in Skin? He's dead six or seven years. A patient said she had Dr. Crawford. Bick Avenue. "Oh I had BRECK." Appointment slips.

  Smoke in sunlight. Oval table polished. Silver jewelry in Mexico. Portraits in sepia of Civil War vintage doctors. Bookcases with glass doors. Green blinds. Three windows. Red and green curtains. Pink slips: refers: benches and wood chairs. Clock in box of blond wood. Pale green walls. Four light fixtures. Lamp bowls.

  Are you going to Amputation? Yellow and blue slips. Room dedicated in 1892. Daily statistics: Coming down without clinic stamp or date. Some aren't coming at all. Some aren't added correctly. Box by opticians window. Clinic, month, year. Blank out date. Stamp sheets ahead.

  Red folder records sent through my mistake instead of to Balcony. Bright red square eliminated. Cant have 100% perfect with thousands of records coming through. Hold box records posted in referral book.

  Send slip to record room. Some hold indefinately. 15 day treatment. Record room infuriated when you call for a record in hold box.

  National Diabetes Week, November 19 & 20. 1% unsuspected diabetes. Booths. So there you are girls.

  APPENDIX 15

  Journal 1962

  THE TYRERS: GEORGE, MARJORIE (50), NICOLA (16)"

  First George comes bustling out at National Provincial Bank - - - he is the manager. "My wife has been meaning to come to see you." Oh tell her to come any afternoon after three, I say. Much, much later after no wife - - - "My wife fell downstairs and hurt her leg, that's why she hasn't been up before this, I didn't want you to think she was being rude." Well I hadn't thought of it before that; then I did think of it. Almost immediately after 3 one afternoon the front bell rang and a woman - - - narrow, sharp, all in browns I thought, kerchief, coat, boots, came in. Ted joined me for tea in the red front room - - - only it wasn't red then yet, still had the old green & orange rug and the bare wood window seat. Marjorie Tyrer talked. I couldn't figure her last name. Was it Taylor? Tah-eyrer? Her anecdotes. Finding rubber poncho or some off bit of value on the roadside & bringing it to the police station. The moustached town constable saying she should bring it to her nearest police stating. "This is my nearest." He peering, trying to guess, then she revealing her identity, he sweeping a seat clean with a pocket handkerchief - - - "Oh, do come in." Her wry, sarcastic, critical talk. The Rector came to tea with his wife when he first came to town some 6 years ago. After George saying "Why didn't you tell me?" (he having been dead silent all through tea). "Tell you what?" "That she was much the ugliest woman?" George could hardly talk, he thought the Rector's wife so ugly. Marjorie hadn't mentioned her looks to him, he always called her too critical. Marjorie Irish, born in Athlone (province? town?). George a Devonian, with 4 brothers & a queer sister named Sylvia - - - his father a man of consequence. Marjorie's father a bank manager in Ireland.

  New Year's Party - - - Saturday night before Sunday New Year's. Drinks. I still pregnant, within 17 days of Nicholas, immense in Chinese blue satin maternity top. A sense of In. Rang at the side door of the bank. Came up into diningroom - - - a tree hung with lights, plastic ribands, Christmas cards. Warmth, people standing round about. I recognized Doctor Webb, his blond, side-look, weak Cornish chin. His dark wife Joan my target. The Tyrer's daughter, 16 year-old Nicola home from Headington, the fashionable private school in Oxford Marjorie liked because of the wonderful parquet floor and curving entrance stair. The private school in Plymouth was all wrong - - - the playing field was miles from the school, and think of the girls catching cold on the drafty bus journey after playing out in the rain! Nicola pretty, with short auburn hair, clear skin, pale, fashionable, baby-faced. A striving to be with it sort. Bad at maths. Good at what? Notion of her going to University giving Ted idea of "saving" or educating her. Inviting her round to sample our books. A fine crowd of festivity and merriment. Marjorie's sister Ruth, a housekeeper in London and humorous grey-haired lady, and Nicola passing miraculously replenished snacks - - - a hump of hollowed bread filled with mustard and stuck with small hot sausages on picks. Pineapple, cheese, creamcheese and prunes, hot pasties. I drank an immense amount of sweet sherry. No lacunas in food or drink. A white-haired Danish architect turned British farmer, talked first to Ted, then, me. We were enchanted with him. I talked to Joan, short, dark, intelligent-seeming, about help, babies, her sister who turned from actress to nurse in London. Marjorie interrupting us, shifting us round. A Welsh mathematician from Dulwich College telling me of his navy days in California, Coos Bay, the girl he let off in a pine forest. When he went to re-find her, found her living in unimaginable squalor in a huge tent with immense family. The friend - - - Dick Wakeford, oddly mechanical pale fellow, who is scientific-farming his 100 acres in Bondleigh. His lively wife Betty (who never makes her beds before noon, Nicola reported to Marjorie, & has washmachine, spindryer, dishwasher, but no fridge!) She's the blonde one, I said later to Marjorie, trying to place people. Marjorie wrinkled her nose: Mouse, I'd say. A curious desperate sense of being locked in among these people, a cream, longing toward London, the big world. Why are we here? Ted & I very excited. Our first social event in North Tawton. Our last, so far. Also met short, dark Jewy looking Mrs. Young whose husband is head of the Devon Water Board - - - the impression she wears green eyeshadow. Came home almost 3 hours later to a pink, desperate Nancy, left alone with no radio or TV or work to do.