Sasha barely had a second to feel relief because a second after getting Dr. Grant to agree, she realized her plan ended with Cole using a bullwhip on her. Could she really stand firm when she heard it crack?

  “Are you having doubts?” Dr. Grant asked in a gentle voice.

  Sasha immediately shook her head, tilting her chin up. Fear was a part of her, of any person. She either faced it or let it control her. “No. I just don’t think that Cole will be as accepting of the idea as you.”

  “He cares about your safety. He doesn’t want to see you get hurt again.”

  “He won’t hurt me, though. He knows what to do.” Cole knew her limits. Hell, he knew her body better than she did most of the time. If he sensed the slightest bit of panic, he would check in with her.

  “There are other reasons why he would say no,” Dr. Grant continued. “Fear for you and also fear for himself. You’re handing over a huge responsibility to him. If he goes too far, even by accident, he risks becoming part of the trauma you associate with the bullwhip. And when that happens, not only do you fear the bullwhip, but you fear the person wielding it, in this case, Cole.”

  Sasha stared down at her lap for a few seconds, trying to rein in her thoughts. She understood what Dr. Grant was saying. Asking Cole to do this for her was a huge favor, one that would stress him mentally as well. However, he was her Dominant, her Master, her Sir. He assumed responsibility each and every time they were together.

  Cole had his limits, and she would no more try to force him to change those anymore than he would try to change hers. But discussing wasn’t forcing. She believed this request would allow her to move on, and that’s what she needed to tell him. He wanted her to be at peace, he would at least listen to her. Which meant it was up to her to convince him that not doing this would affect her worse than if things went slightly wrong with her plan.

  “I could never be afraid of Cole. I’ll make sure he knows that,” Sasha said.

  Cole was the light of her life. There was no one else on the planet who loved her as much as he did. Before him, she didn’t know that level of love existed. Then, he came into her life, and color bled into her black and white world. She didn’t want to be with anyone else, and trusted no one else with a bullwhip.

  “I’m glad you’ve thought this through and I’m aware you know your limits. It’s a big step, but like I said, you have my support,” Dr. Grant said.

  That was one reminder Sasha didn’t need. She was hyper aware of her own limits. Cole was too for that matter.

  At the end of it all, she would be comfortable around a bullwhip. The fear would melt away, and she could let go of her horrid memories, free to move on. That was all that she wanted. “Thank you.”

  They talked about other things, and as usual, it always came as a shock when their time ended. Dr. Grant rose to her feet, holding the notepad close to her chest. “Good luck, Sasha. Feel free to call and make an appointment whenever you need one.”

  Sasha suspected Dr. Grant was still preparing for the possible fallout of her plan. Maybe things would go wrong, but she had to take the risk. With this plan, she actually felt somewhat in control. “Thank you. I will.”

  Three: Sasha

  Driving home, she realized the real challenge waited there. Somehow, she had to convince Cole to hop on board with her plan. They would argue, which she hated, but they would work through it. They always did. In the end, he would understand her reasoning and agree.

  And then after that? Would they schedule a time? Or would Cole decide to use it randomly, not giving her time to fret in anticipation? She supposed the details didn’t actually matter at the moment. What mattered was setting things into motion instead of just thinking about them.

  As soon as she walked into the house, the aroma of Cole’s signature tomato sauce greeted her. The spicy garlic scent was so strong, she could almost taste it in the back of her throat. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her how long it’d been since lunch.

  She placed her purse on a table in the foyer, kicked off her shoes, and slipped them into the coat closet. Barefooted, she padded into the kitchen, doing her best to ignore the nerves running through her body.

  He faced the stove with his back toward her as she entered. Once inside, she knelt and waited.

  “There you are, little one,” he said and, moments later, stood in front of her and held out a hand. “Stand up and let me greet you properly.”

  She grasped his hand, her body melting as warmth of his touch surrounded her. God, she loved his man.

  Once she made it to her feet, he lowered his head for a kiss.

  “How is Dr. Grant?” he asked, pulling back.

  “Good,” she said, shifting her gaze to meet his.

  One side of his mouth twitched. Damn, was she that bad of a liar? Surprisingly, he didn’t call her on it. “Why don’t you go pick us out a bottle of wine from the cellar?”

  She nodded and hurried down the stairs, anxious for the cool air of the cellar. Bottles of his favorite red lined part of a back rack, and after grabbing one, she stood for a long moment, willing her body to cool.

  “Something smells delicious, Sir,” she said, walking back into the kitchen and handing him the wine.

  “Thank you. It still has a few minutes more,” he said, watching her carefully. “Go sit outside. I’ll pour us some wine and join you.”

  She sat on one of the shaded benches on the patio. Their backyard was a work in progress. She had a detailed plan to make it into the retreat she had pictured in her head, but it would take years for it to get there. Cole had given her total control over the project, due in part, she felt, because he saw how much she loved the entire process.

  She turned at the sound of him coming outside.

  “Here you go, little one,” he said, handing her a glass and sitting beside her.

  “Thank you, Sir,” she replied. He took a sip of his wine, watching her. Suspicion written all over his face.

  She didn’t meet his eyes, and took a sip of her wine, trying to buy time to prepare herself. The words she used had to be perfect. “How was your day?”

  “Good. How was your session with Dr. Grant?” His eyes seemed to search her, poking around to discover the root of her odd behavior. He knew her so well. It was nearly impossible for her to hide anything from him. “The entire truth this time.”

  “Good.” She took another sip of wine. “She said I’ve made great progress.”

  His expression softened and he reached down to take her hand, stroking her knuckles with his thumb. “You have. Do you know how proud I am of you? How proud I hope you are? For being so strong?”

  An ache echoed through her chest. He knew something was up, but had no idea exactly what she was about to drop on him. She felt a bit guilty about asking simply because he would hate it. But surely he knew he would benefit as well?

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  He furrowed his eyebrows. “Out with the rest of it. Tell me what you’re hesitant to say.”

  Tension weighed down her shoulders, forcing a sigh out of her. This was it. She couldn’t hide any longer. “I have a favor to ask of you. For our anniversary.”

  “Anything,” he replied.

  If he knew the favor, he wouldn’t have been so quick to reply. She gave his hand a light squeeze.“I want you to use the bullwhip on me.”

  He pulled his hand away and shook his head. His response was immediate and automatic. “No.”

  He didn’t even try to argue his side. He just denied her. It was what she expected, but she couldn’t allow the conversation to stop. “Dr. Grant has my side on this. She agreed this could help me.”

  He stood and crossed his arms over his chest, steeling his expression. “I don’t care. This is between the two of us, and I say no.”

  She sat back in her chair. While it was a given he would be stubborn, he didn’t even bother to ask why she wanted him to use one. She was going to make her point whether he liked it or not. “The only association I have with a bullwhip is negative. I want you to change that for me.”

  “You need never fear about one hurting you because I’ll never use one on you,” he said in a firm tone that told her his mind was set and unchangeable.

  She knew where he was coming from, but that wasn’t the point. It wasn’t about physically distancing herself from a bullwhip. It was about mentally and emotionally distancing herself from the fear that she felt toward one. She needed to make a new, better memory to cover up the painful past. She loved being with Cole. He was part of the key to her recovery.

  “I need this, Sir.” He had to listen to her, to realize how much it meant to her. She had to make him understand it wasn’t some crazy, random request. He needed to know the thought she’d put into her request, that she’d picked it apart in her brain over and over again until she was certain.

  “When you agreed to wear my collar, accepted me as your Master, you turned the responsibility of your needs over to me,” he told her in a low voice, his British accent bordering on a growl. It was a warning.

  She gritted her teeth, breathing in through her nose. He wasn’t going to do it. The thought filled her eyes with tears. “Please,” she pleaded. “When I think of a bullwhip, I don’t want to think of him. I want to think of you.”

  He frowned and shook his head. “Making a new memory won’t erase the old one. What if it makes things worse?”

  She stood and lowered herself to her knees. Taking his hands in hers, she lifted her eyes to his. “I trust you. Please. I need you to do this for me.”

  He gave her hands a gentle squeeze. “It’s too risky. You won’t even touch a bullwhip. Now, you want me to use one on you. It seems… extreme.”

  It was risky, and, maybe it was extreme, but it was her next step. “If I can face this, I can finally feel at ease. I have to face my fears at some point. Help me do that.”

  He stared at her for a few seconds before shaking his head. He let go of her hands and stood up. “I can’t. I can see everything going wrong, and I refuse to hurt you like that.”

  She remained on her knees. “I know you still practice with one at Daniel’s house.”

  His breath hitched, she’d obviously caught him off-guard. “That doesn’t matter. I won’t use it on you.”

  She parted her lips to argue some more, but he cut her off.

  “No. This conversation is over. I’m going to check on dinner,” he gritted out before returning into the house

  She remained in place, staring at the doorway while hopelessness seeped into her mind. That was it. It was highly unlikely Cole would change his mind. When he decided on something, he was decided. Her plan was done for before it even got a chance to begin.

  Four: Cole

  Cole had to talk to someone about Sasha’s insane request. He’d ran it through his mind over and over again but couldn’t make sense of it. Bullwhips petrified her. She had spent years recovering from her trauma, growing into the strong woman he’d married almost a year ago. Years of therapy and nightmares and now she wanted to risk it all?

  This was where he drew the line. Right here at her request for him to inflict more pain and trauma on her. There might be a slight chance that him using the bullwhip could help, but there was a bigger chance it would just make things worse.

  It had pained him to watch her struggle through her fear and trauma. He never again wanted to see someone he loved go through something like that. Especially her. Most especially not at his hands. It was his job as her Master and husband to protect her, to make her feel safe and loved.

  To this day, images of the scene with Peter striking her over and over, while she was gagged and bound with no way to safeword, sent him into a rage. So many people thought they could adopt the lifestyle without any research, worry about safety, and respect for the rules.

  That wasn't a power exchange. That was a recipe for people to get hurt and traumatized. Relationships fell apart. Everything could be ruined by one bad experience. At its core, BDSM was about trust. If those involved didn’t trust each other, nothing needed to happen.

  Sasha trusted him. It would kill him if he agreed to her plan, and after, she became so traumatized she lost that trust. They had come so far together and were so close to celebrating their first anniversary. He couldn’t risk losing everything.

  Unable to sit and think to himself any longer, he grabbed his things and drove to Daniel’s. He needed someone to tell him he was right about denying Sasha’s request.

  After parking at Daniel and Julie’s, he strode up to the front door, knocked and waited. His was the only car in the driveway. He hoped his friends had parked inside the garage. He didn’t think he could keep his thoughts to himself much longer.

  The door opened a few moments later, and Daniel appeared in the doorway. “Hey, man. Wasn’t expecting you.”

  Cole grimaced at the realization he’d forgotten to let Daniel know that he was on the way. He had been so caught up in Sasha’s request that the thought slipped him. “Sorry about that. Are you busy? I need to talk to you about something.”

  Daniel nodded and stepped back to let Cole walk into the house. He shut the door and trailed Cole into the living room. When they sat down on the couch, he turned to Cole. “What’s wrong?”

  “Is Julie here?”

  Daniel’s expression grew worried. “No, what’s going on?”

  Cole joined his hands together and leaned his arms on his knees. Where to start? His head had been spinning since the conversation with Sasha the day before. The inside of their house had taken on a tense and tentative air. “Sasha told me she wants me to use a bullwhip on her.”

  Daniel’s eyes grew wider. “She did? Is she ready for that?”

  Cole shrugged as he shook his head. He didn’t doubt Sasha’s strength, but he didn’t want to potentially push her too far in a quest to determine the depths of that strength. Everything would unravel, and it would kill him to see her broken again. He would make sure it never happened. “She thinks she is.”

  Daniel nodded slowly. “What did you tell her?”

  “No, of course. It’s bonkers. Pulling out a bullwhip would sabotage years of work,” Cole scoffed, running his hand through his hair.

  “Sasha’s a tough woman. Maybe she’s actually ready.”

  “You can’t be bloody serious.” Cole shot Daniel a pointed look. He didn’t understand how he was the only one who thought her request was insane, or that Dr Grant agreed with Sasha.

  “It’s a tough call to make, but you need to listen and understand her side even if you don’t agree with her. She obviously thinks this will help, so help her. That’s your job,” Daniel pointed out. “Not to mention, it took some heavy duty balls of steel for her to ask you in the first place. That alone says something.”

  Cole could only stare at Daniel, unable to speak. He came here thinking Daniel would back him up, but instead, his best friend was arguing with him as well. He let out a frustrated sigh, sinking back into the couch cushion. “I don’t want to mess up and hurt her. I love her so much… hurting her would gut me.”

  Daniel gave Cole’s shoulder a light shake. “I doubt she came to this decision lightly, and once she did, she came straight to you because she knew you’d be able to help her.”

  “Maybe.”

  “I know you’re hesitant. Julie still wants nothing to do with single tails. But I’d like to think that if it was Julie and she came to me for help, I’d do it for her.” Daniel leaned closer. “As for what comes after? You deal with it when it happens.”

  The uncertainty was another thing that made Cole shy away from Sasha’s plan. He had no way to predict what would happen the second that bullwhip touched her. Good or bad, it would be intense.

  “I guess so.” His voice didn’t sound very sure, even to his own ears, but if Sasha wanted this, Daniel was right, he had to at least consider it. “It’s just risky.”

  “Anything can be risky. Get on the same page as her. But don’t go into this without having boundaries. It’d be a terrible mistake to make,” Daniel warned. “Because when there aren’t any boundaries, bad things happen. And I’m aware you know all this, but it doesn’t hurt to hear it occasionally from a voice that’s not coming from inside your head.”

  Cole needed to talk with Sasha. He couldn’t ignore her. She was his wife. He didn’t want there to be a divide between them over this. Somehow, they would have to figure out a compromise that worked for both of them. “I’ll talk to her.”

  Daniel patted Cole on the back before standing up. “Come with me.”

  Cole gave Daniel a confused look, but he rose to his feet. He followed Daniel out of the living room and down the stairs to Daniel’s playroom.

  “I know you’ve practiced with it, but I think now is a good time to practice again.” Daniel led Cole inside the large room and by shelves and cabinets full of various toys. His collection was about as nice and extensive as Cole’s. Being somewhat of a bullwhip expert, he had numerous single tails. One, however, was not his.

  Cole watched Daniel take his bullwhip down and unravel it. The one he’d kept after selling the others. His eyes trailed along the length of the whip, and, for the first time, he felt a little uneasy about a toy. Usually, he felt interest and excitement but not at the moment.

  “For Sasha.” Daniel held out the handle of the whip to Cole.

  “For Sasha,” Cole murmured beneath his breath. He took hold of the whip. It fit him like a glove with places worn smooth from years of use. He took a step back from Daniel, putting a safe amount of distance between them. One deep breath and he snapped the whip, hearing it crack in the air.

  Power surged through him, making his body tense. He couldn’t help but enjoy cracking the whip. There was no other feeling like being in complete control. It fueled him.

  Daniel set five styrofoam targets up. “Slice the first two in half and the last three in thirds.”