“You had that this entire time?” I asked through gritted teeth.

  “We have,” Ramos said.

  “And yet you couldn’t come to our aid given that the borders of Verania were patrolled by Darks. You couldn’t take their magic away. And what of Myrin? People died because of what he did. You had a way to stop him this entire time?”

  “It wouldn’t have worked like that,” Morgan said, sounding almost apologetic. “From what I understand, it takes consent. The magic isn’t stolen. It must be given away freely. It doesn’t work otherwise.”

  “Exactly,” Ramos said. “I’m not a thief, and I resent the implication.”

  “Don’t worry though,” Dylan said quickly, wincing as I scoffed at him. “It’s only for a little bit. And Ramos said it shouldn’t affect Morgan or Sam aside from containing their magic. It won’t be gone completely. Just…stifled until Justin and I fall in love and get married and live happily ever after.”

  “Love,” I said scornfully. “I don’t even like you, and you’re talking about love.”

  He shrugged. “You’ll get there. I believe in you because I believe in myself. Remember my friend Digger? The one into watersports?”

  Dad choked next to me, and I wondered if this was the first time anyone had sat at this table and talked about piss-play.

  “I really wish I didn’t know that,” I said. “But yes, I have the awful memory of you mentioning your friend.”

  “He says that all it takes to succeed is to believe in yourself. He’s pretty smart. Well, mostly. This one time, he stuck a firecracker up his butt and lit it just to see what would happen. He was in the hospital for four days. But then he decided that he didn’t want to be there anymore, so he went home, and now he’s fine.” He sat back in his chair. “Except for all the scarring, but guys, gals and non-binary pals really love that for some reason.”

  “And that is who you’re taking advice from,” I said flatly.

  “Yep,” Dylan said. “Oh! I just remembered. He wanted me to tell you that I’m super cool, and that I will…cripes, what was the rest?” His brow furrowed. “Super cool and…right! That I’m reliable and as long as I get eight hours of sleep a night, I can do anything.”

  “And who’s going to keep the stone?” Morgan asked. “Forgive my reticence, but why should we give our magic away to you?”

  “It wouldn’t be to me,” Ramos said. “I don’t expect you to trust me with so much power, so I’ve asked for two intermediaries to oversee the transfer. They should be arriving…ah, yes. Here they are. Right on schedule.”

  It was about this time that a gaping hole tore the fabric of reality with a low thrum, and from it, stepped two beings I hadn’t expected to see today.

  The first was hunched over, a scowl on his ancient, craggy face as he glared at all of us, his robes wrinkled, his hair in wisps around his head. He grimaced as he stood upright, hands going to his back as it cracked loudly, his large nose twitching underneath narrowed eyes and massive eyebrows. “Not getting any younger,” he muttered. “And Sam, if I hear you say a single word about getting sucked through my hole, I will crush your liver into so much paste.”

  “Randall?” Sam gasped.

  And next to the ancient wizard, fluttering at his shoulder, was a six-inch tall naked man with wings and a terrible mustache.

  “Yes,” he said, his voice a high-pitched buzz. “It is I, Dimitri, the King of the Fairies and ex-fiancé of Sam of Dragons, here to make everyone’s lives so much better than they were even just seconds ago.”

  We were so fucked.

  CHAPTER 8

  Dimitri is a Creep and Other Stories

  SAM PRACTICALLY CLIMBED OVER the table to get to Randall. Misconstruing his intent, Dimitri flew in front of the ancient wizard, tiny arms spread wide as if he thought Sam was going to hurt him. Instead, Sam batted him out of the way, causing the fairy king to squawk angrily. Randall sighed as Sam latched on to him. Much to my amazement, he actually hugged Sam back, though he didn’t seem happy about it.

  Theirs was a relationship I didn’t always understand. For the longest time, Sam was nothing but the bane of Randall’s existence, and who could blame him? If Sam had turned my nose into a dick right before I was scheduled to officiate a wedding, I’d probably hold a grudge.

  “That’s enough,” Randall muttered, shoving Sam off him. “I allowed it to go on for twenty seconds, but any longer and you’re going to lose your arms.”

  “My turn,” Dimitri said, flying toward Sam once more, arms open wide. “Sam, did I tell you I met someone? His name is Grundle, and he makes me happy. I’ve never been more in love than I am right at this moment. But if you want me back, say the word and I’ll drop him like the insignificant speck he is.”

  “I’m good,” Sam said, ducking the hug as Dimitri sailed over him. “Congrats on your new relationship. Grundle, you say? Sounds like a good dude or the skin between my balls and my asshole. Either way, many happy returns.”

  “It’s casual,” Dimitri said. “Means nothing. Please take me back. What does Ryan have that I don’t?”

  “Girth,” Ryan said promptly.

  “Dammit,” Dimitri muttered. “I knew you were going to say that. That’s speciesist, Knight Commander Foxheart. How very dare you.”

  “It’s Knight Commander Haversford now.”

  Dimitri’s wings drooped. “Well, when you die in some bloody battle, know that I’ll be there for Sam to console him. And when sufficient time has passed for your memory to fade—say, three weeks—I’ll pick up the pieces and rail your husband within an inch of his life.”

  “Probably need to find a few more inches before you try,” Ryan said. “I don’t have that problem. Right, Sam? Ha, like I even need to ask.”

  “I like us,” Tiggy said to no one in particular.

  “What are you doing here?” Morgan asked Randall, who moved around the table to our side. He and Morgan joined hands, foreheads pressed together.

  “Summoned,” Randall muttered as he stepped back. “For more foolishness, of course. King Anthony, you’re looking well. I’d heard you’d fallen ill.”

  “On the mend,” Dad said. “The healer said—”

  “Healer,” Randall said with derision. “Bah, medicine man who thinks he knows better than the rest of us. I’ll see to you myself once we’ve finished here, and I won’t hear a word of it.”

  Knowing it was pointless to argue with the ancient wizard, Dad nodded. “Thank you.”

  Randall waved a hand dismissively before looking across the table. “Ramos. You’re looking alive.”

  “Randall,” Ramos said as he cocked his head. “It’s an honor to see you again.”

  “You know each other?” Sam asked as he sat back down.

  “We’ve met,” Randall said. “Knight Commander, does it look like I don’t want to sit? Stop standing there with that gaping maw of yours and get me a chair.”

  Ryan moved quickly, grabbing the nearest chair and jerking it. The problem with that was it was occupied by one of my father’s infrastructure advisors, the red-haired man with daddy issues. The man fell on his ass with a crash as Ryan carried the chair toward Randall and set it down next to Dad. Randall grunted as he sat down. “That’s better. Ramos, first things first: I’m not impressed by anything about you, so don’t expect me to say otherwise. I have no patience for one such as you. You came to me once, seeking guidance to become a wizard. The power you held wasn’t enough to survive the Trials, so I turned you away, telling you not to meddle in things you could never understand.”

  “I remember,” Ramos said blandly. “You were quite…forceful in relaying your opinion.”

  Randall’s eyebrows bunched together. “Opinion? Opinion? I’m the Head Wizard. I oversee all wizards who want to move beyond an apprenticeship. My word is not an opinion. It’s fact. You were not—and can never be—a wizard and yet here you are, having wormed your way into the grace of a king for reasons that aren’t quite clear to me.”

  Ramos wasn’t affected. “I assure you that I don’t have any agenda aside from following the will of my king.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second,” Randall grumbled. “Anyone who says they don’t have an agenda has exactly that.”

  “You sought an apprenticeship?” Morgan asked. The fact that he hadn’t known didn’t sit well with me. It meant that either Randall was to be believed when he said he didn’t think there was anything to Ramos, or he was keeping secrets again. I hoped for the former but suspected the latter.

  “I did,” Ramos said. “But as Randall so plainly put it, I was rejected. However, I forged my own path and found a place where I could be appreciated for my talents. Yennbridge isn’t like Verania. We don’t discriminate. Wizards aren’t the be all and end all.”

  “And there’s his motivation,” Gary told Tiggy. “The steepling hands, the evil smile under a ridiculous goatee, and now it’s revealed he tried to become something he couldn’t. Yeah, this guy’s gonna do something villainous within the next four weeks. Count on it.”

  “Ooh,” Tiggy said. “Foreshadowing.”

  “And where is your king?” Randall asked, looking around. “I thought he’d be here, especially since he’s the reason I’ve come to Castle Lockes.”

  Dylan cleared his throat. “That’d be me, bro.” He stood quickly, reaching his hand across the table toward Randall. “It’s so great to meet you. I didn’t know you existed until you suddenly appeared out of thin air. You crushed that entrance, bro. How’d you do that?”

  Randall stared at the proffered hand but didn’t reach to grab it. He leaned back slightly, speaking out of the corner of his mouth to Morgan. “Who is this man trying to grab me?”

  “That’s King Dylan of Yennbridge,” Morgan said.

  Randall snorted. “Very funny. Did Sam put you up to this?” He glared at Sam. “How many times have I told you I won’t fall for that again?”

  “Thirteen times,” Sam said. “But this isn’t one of those. That really is the King of Yennbridge.”

  Once he realized Randall wasn’t going to shake his hand, Dylan pulled it back and sat back down, only to be immediately accosted by the fairy king. Dimitri fluttered in front of him, reaching out and poking Dylan’s nose. “This is the King of Yennbridge? Impressive. I haven’t been to Yennbridge in centuries, but if this is how they’re growing them now, I’m going to have to make a return trip. Dylan, was it? Welcome to Verania. If there’s anything you need to do that involves removing your clothing, I’m your tiny man. But don’t mistake my size for weakness. You’d be surprised at the things I’m capable of. Have you ever had an entire person crawl inside your urethra? No? Well, that can be fixed quite easily.”

  “I thought you were involved with Grundle,” Sam said.

  Dimitri laughed as he alighted on Dylan’s shoulder, rubbing his cheek with his small hands. “Ignore him. He’s just jealous. I’m the one that got away. You know what they say, ‘Once you go small, you’ll feel it in your balls.’”

  “Kevin really needs to stop giving advice,” Sam muttered.

  “I’m good, bro,” Dylan said, shrugging his shoulders to try and get Dimitri to move. “Got my sights set already. But thank you for the offer.”

  “Your sights?” Dimitri asked, eyes narrowed as he lifted off Dylan and fluttered down to the table. “On the prince? Are you sure?” He glanced at me before looking back up at Dylan. “You’ve got strange tastes, King, but who I am to judge?”

  Oh, for want of a flyswatter, the kingdom was lost.

  “He does not,” I snapped. “In fact, his tastes are just fine as they are.” They weren’t, far from it in fact, but I wasn’t going to give Dimitri the satisfaction. I had little time for fairies, the pesky nuisances they were. But they were part of the fabric of Verania, and we’d long held a peaceful accord with them, even if they acted independent of the crown. Dad was always of the mind that it was better to have a fairy as a friend than an enemy.

  “So you’ve agreed to the terms, then?” Randall asked, stopping me cold. “You will bind yourself to the king for thirty days?”

  “You knew about this,” I said. It wasn’t a question.

  Randall, for his part, wasn’t taken aback by the tone of my voice. “I did.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell us?”

  “I did not.”

  I waited.

  He didn’t say anything more.

  “Why?” I finally asked.

  Randall shrugged. “Because I knew you would find out in your own time. Which you have. My life doesn’t revolve around the wants and whims of a prince. I have much more important matters to attend to. Why, before I came here, I was involved in a rather bloody game of strip checkers with a dragon who seems to think that cheating is an acceptable means of winning. I was in my underwear within five minutes.”

  “Leslie,” Sam said fondly. “I don’t think she quite understands how to play board games.”

  “She doesn’t,” Randall agreed. “Seeing as how she decided to throw checker pieces at my head when I accused her of deception. I was about to turn her into a llama when I remembered I had places to be. I’d like to get this over with so I can return and punish her for her insolence.”

  “Pat’s not gonna like that,” Sam said.

  “It was Pat’s idea,” Randall said. “But that’s neither here nor there. My day has already been interrupted, and since my time is important, shall we move on with this? Prince Justin, have you agreed to the terms?”

  “I have,” I said evenly. “But that was before Ramos revealed there was more to it than just binding myself to Dylan.”

  “Always a catch, eh, Ramos?” Randall asked.

  Ramos shrugged. “It’s not my fault the prince was so quick to agree. He certainly seems eager.”

  Dylan waved at me. I didn’t wave back.

  Randall snorted. “I bet he was. You there. King Dylan, was it? Stand up. Let me take a look at you to see what we’re dealing with.”

  Dylan promptly stood. “Should I take off my clothes? No worries if I have to. I’ve been naked in public a few times. I got nothing to hide.”

  “Yes!” Gary cried. “I love important meetings!”

  I almost agreed until I remembered my place and who I was dealing with. Especially when the very person I was dealing with began to do lunges around the room. “And one. And two. And three. Do you want me to do a handstand?” No one wanted that. He did it anyway, walking on his hands, his vest hanging down around his face revealing miles of dark skin, his stomach jiggling, the chain from his bellybutton piercing bouncing against his chest.

  And because he apparently didn’t want to be left out, Ryan immediately did the same, armor clanking as he flipped over, walking on his hands toward Dylan. “Not that hard,” Ryan grunted, face turning red. “Anyone can do that.”

  “Upside down bros!” Dylan cried, spittle flying onto the floor. “Let’s fight with our legs!”

  “I’ve had dreams that started just like this,” Sam breathed as Dylan and Ryan started battling with their feet, each trying to knock the other over.

  Ryan got a good kick in to Dylan’s chest, causing him to land on the floor on his back. “Sam!” Ryan bellowed as he flipped back onto his feet. “Did you see that? Took him out with ease.”

  “I did,” Sam said. “And I’m going to wreck you later for it.”

  “I’m okay!” Dylan said as he pushed himself up. He grinned at Ryan, holding his hand out. “Damn, bro, you’ve got moves. Proud of you. I don’t even care that I lost because you’re awesome.”

  “Yesss,” Gary hissed. “Now kiss.”

  But instead of kissing (because what), Dylan held out his fist, which Ryan promptly pounded. Dylan made an explosion sound, fist opening, fingers wiggling. “I like you,” Dylan told him. “You remind me of my friends. We should totally hang out later.”

  “Hell yeah,” Ryan said. “We could go out, totally do some stuff, bro.”

  Sam cleared his throat.

  “After I check with my husband,” Ryan added quickly.

  “Right on,” Dylan said. “I get that. Have to keep your man happy.” He glanced at me before looking back at Ryan. “Maybe you could give me some pointers? I’m good with the whole sexing thing, but wooing? I could use some help.”

  “I got you, Double D,” Ryan said loftily. “Especially since I used to date Justin. I can totally give you some pointers.”

  Dylan’s jaw dropped. “Whoa, seriously? Holy smokes, you’re spitting mad game, bro. Respect.” Another fist pound. I wished they didn’t have hands. “I didn’t know knights could be so cool. Learn something new every day.”

  “Yes,” Sam said. “Because I love hearing my husband talking about his ex- fiancé, who also happens to be my Best Friend 5eva.”

  “Which is not the same as being a regular best friend,” Gary said. “Because that’s what Tiggy and I are to him. Most agree that’s even more important than being a Best Friend 5eva.”

  “We’re complicated!” Tiggy crowed.

  Dylan stopped in the middle of trying to teach Ryan a convoluted handshake. “Wait a minute. Hold up. Bro. Ryan. You dated the prince?”

  Ryan blinked. “Uh, yeah?”

  Dylan shook his head. “I don’t know if I can do this, then. It’d break the bro-code.”

  Yes. Fine. That. Whatever that was, I agreed completely.

  “The bro-code?” Ryan asked.

  “Yeah,” Dylan said. “You’re a bro. You might even become my bro. And the bro-code clearly says that no bro may move in on his bro’s man, especially when they’ve broken up. That’s definitely not awesome.”

  “You’re so cool,” Ryan whispered fervently. Then, “Can we…oh, man, I’m so nervous. I just…King Dylan?”

  “Yeah?”

  Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slow. “Can we be bros?”

  “Bro,” Dylan said, sounding absurdly touched. “Can I tell you a secret?”

  “Yeah,” Ryan said, practically panting. “Of course.”

  “Watch this.” Dylan walked around Ryan in a full circle. “Guess what I just did?”

  “What?” Ryan asked.