John and jackie, p.9
John & Jackie,
p.9
“I told him… I told my Jackie what I was gonna do, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. It didn’t go over very well, if I’m bein’ honest. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him so mad. At first, I thought he was mad at me for even thinkin’ about doin’ it. But it turns out that ain’t it.
“We ain’t ever been real religious. That was all Jackie’s parents, and once we moved out of there, we didn’t keep up with God and church and all that. Maybe we should have. I don’t know. But Jackie here, he… he wouldn’t let me do it. Not to myself. He was worried about my soul. Supposedly, suicides don’t go to Heaven. We don’t know if there is a Heaven, or even if that’s true, but Jackie… he wouldn’t take that chance.”
“You’re damn right I wouldn’t!”
“I know, Jackie. I know. Calm down. Just sayin’ what needs to be said. I tried to talk him out of it, but when he gets somethin’ in his mind, somethin’ that he feels needs to be done, it’s better to just let him do it ’cause there won’t be no other way around it. I learned that a long time ago, and it’s been fine just the way it was.
“So this video is bein’ made, so you know that what we’re doin’ is what I want. We’re doin’ this so you don’t think Jackie is some kinda murderer. He ain’t. He loves me. With everythin’ he’s got. He always has. And that’s why he’s gonna do this for me now. He’s gonna help me not hurt no more.
“Our life hasn’t always been easy. We had to hide for a long time. Things changed and we’ve been legally married for goin’ on twenty years now. But it’s been so much longer than that. It’s meant so much more than that. Jackie… he’s my… there ain’t never been anyone other than him. We promised each other that, back when we were kids. And it’s been that way ever since.
“I’m… tired now. Cancer has a way of takin’ all that you have away. It’s a vicious thing, an evil thing. It hurts, yeah. But what hurts the most is how angry I am. That it’s takin’ me away from him. That it dares to step in here and try to break us apart, ’cause it would have eventually. But this way, at least, it’s on our terms. It’s our way. And I know I’ll be waitin’ for him. No matter what happens in this life or the next, Jackie belongs to me and I will never let us be separated for long. You hear me, Jackie? You understand me? You’re mine and not this or any other thing will ever keep us apart.”
“Yeah, John. I get you.”
“And I love you. You know that, right?”
“I know. Is that it? That all you want to say?”
“Yeah, Jackie. That’s it. Put the camera down and come here. Need to feel your bones.”
The video ends. The screen turns blue.
The cabin falls silent.
I scream out. There. In the dark.
Twelve
John and Jackie
“Douglas County Sheriff’s Office, this is Darlene. How can I help you?”
“Darlene, it’s Jack. Jack Kemp?”
“Jack! How are you, sweetie? How’s things up on the mountain?”
“Ah…. John…. John’s gone. He’s… gone.”
“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. He’ll need… I need….”
“I know what you need, Jack. Don’t you worry about that. We’ll get an ambulance up there. It’ll take about an hour, okay? I’ll make sure everything is taken care of.”
“Okay. T-t-thank you.”
“Oh, honey. Please don’t cry.”
“Ain’t cryin’, Darlene. Just havin’ a bit of trouble catchin’ my breath, is all.”
“You feeling okay, Jack? Oh, what an awful question. Of course you don’t. I’m just worried. Can’t have both of you go. It’d break my heart even more.”
“It’s fine, Darlene. I’m fine.”
“If you say so. I hope you’re telling me everything. How about I stay on the phone with you until the guys get up there? Keep you company? I hate to think of you all alone in the cabin now.”
“N-no. Need to spend some time with him. Need a chance to say good-bye.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. Take as much time as you need. You call me back if you need me. I’ll wait here by the phone.”
“Darlene?”
“Yeah, Jack?”
“Do you… you believe in Heaven?”
“Yeah, Jack. And you know John’s there, right? If anybody could get there, it’d be him.”
“Yeah.”
“When I was a little girl, my mom told me that Heaven is whatever we want it to be, that it’s God’s gift to us for having lived in this world, our reward for all our suffering. She told me that before you’re welcomed home, you’ll remember a moment when you were most at peace and it will help guide you to your Heaven. So you bet your John is where he’d be happiest, and I know he’s waiting for you. And the Heaven you’ll have will be one you’ll make together. I know it, Jack. I know it with every fiber of my being.”
“I gotta go, Darlene.”
“Okay, honey. I’ll see you soon.”
* * *
I hang up the phone. Somehow, it falls back onto the cradle.
“Gotta say good-bye,” I tell the empty room. “They’re gonna be here soon, John. Gonna be here soon to take you away, and I gotta say good-bye. I don’t want to. John, I don’t want to say it. Not out loud. Out loud will make it real. Out loud means it’s true. Out loud is… oh. Please. Is this a dream? I want this to be a dream so bad. Wake me up, please. Please wake me up.”
I take a step toward him and there’s a spasm in my left arm. My fingers are tingling and a bead of sweat runs down the back of my neck. The darkened room seems to flash a bit, like lights are descending outside the house, but then it’s dark again and all I can hear is the creak of the house, the erratic beat of my own heart.
The blue screen is still on the TV and I can see John’s outline in the bed. I want to break. I want to collapse on the floor and shriek my fury, my outrage, my sorrow. I want all the world to hear how lost I am, how I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.
But I don’t. Somehow, I don’t.
These are the last moments that I’ll spend with him alone, and I have to make the most of them. You gotta live as best you can, he’d told me the day we’d come to this decision. It may hurt, Jackie, and it may not seem fair, but you gotta promise me you’re gonna live. You can’t let yourself waste away. You can’t. Won’t do this if I don’t know you’ll be okay.
Sure, John, I’d said. I’ll be okay.
It was the biggest lie I’d ever told him.
Promise me, Jackie. You promise me.
I….
Jackie.
“I promise,” I whisper aloud. “It hurts, John. It hurts, but I promise.”
I make my way back to the bed, crawl up next to him, and lie down beside him. His face is turned toward mine, and even though it’s dark and we’re awash in a harsh blue light, he still looks so handsome. Even though he’s wasted away, I can still see the boy I first met all those years ago. The one who grabbed my arm and told me he’d call me Jackie because no one else did. The boy who saw me and knew we were meant to be, even if I didn’t know it myself. I promised him. Now I’ll do my best, even if I’m broken.
I reach up and touch his cheek. His nose. His ear. I lean forward and kiss his lips gently. “You remember,” I ask him, “that time we took that vacation over my spring break? You borrowed that old beater from the shop and you were gonna take me to see the ocean because I’d never seen it before and had always wanted to go. ‘Gonna take you,’ you said. ‘You ain’t never seen it and so I’m gonna take you because I’ll give you whatever you want, Jackie.’ So we got into that little beater and just drove west.
“Got lost, though, didn’t we? Somehow we got turned around. ‘Shouldn’t be that hard to find the ocean,’ you said. ‘It’s the damn ocean.’ I remember laughin’ at you because I thought you were so beautiful with how red your face got, how you ground your teeth together. You tried not to snap at me, but I didn’t know how to read a map, and we ended up fightin’. You remember? We said some awful things to each other, and I hated arguin’ with you. I hated it.
“So I went to sleep. You woke me up later and it was dark but I could see you s-smilin’ at m-m-me. Your hand was in my hair and you said I had to wake up because you had somethin’ to s-show me. And I remember just watchin’ you because of the way you smiled at me and I knew then that it didn’t matter if we f-fought. It didn’t matter if we argued. We’d always find our way back to each other and nothin’ would break us apart.
“‘Do you hear that, Jackie?’ you said. ‘It’s the ocean.’
“And it was.”
I grimace as a sharp pain goes up my bicep to my shoulder and sinks into my chest. It’s a deep thing, an aching thing, and my heart skips a beat and I close my eyes, waiting for it to pass. I don’t know what this is but I won’t let it interrupt my last moments with—
The pain stabs at me again and oh, Jesus, this one hurts. My hand feels like it’s buzzing, and I flex my fingers out and then make a fist, then flex again. The shadows my fingers create over John’s face look like black claws are squeezing him whole, and I drop my hand in irrational fear, ignoring the sweat on my brow, the way my heart has started to race.
“Y-you told me that you’d take me anywhere. That you’d f-follow me anywhere and that as long as we were t-together, nothing else mattered. ‘I’d do anythin’ for you, Jackie.’ That’s what you said. And I told you the s-same. Where you go, I go. No matter what. It w-w-wouldn’t—”
A wave of pain rolls over me, causing my vision to blur. My chest is on fire. I jerk against John and his head falls to my shoulder and I can’t help but laugh. It’s a low sound, a harsh sound, like it’s hissing out from between my gritted teeth, but it doesn’t matter because I just laugh. “That you, John?” I shout. “Is this what happens? We’d never be apart! That’s what you said! You said we’d never be apart!”
I moan as my heart stutters in my chest, as a roar starts to take over my ears and the light from the TV seems to grow brighter as I squeeze my eyes shut. I know I should get up. I should get up and get to the phone. Call Darlene back. Tell her that something’s happening. That something’s not right. Think I’m having a heart attack. Don’t that beat all? I think wildly. Never once have I had a problem with my heart.
I try to move, but John’s head is on my shoulder and the weight is comforting and heavy and all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is sleep next to my husband and never have to worry again.
“Ah, Christ! It hurts, John! Oh, God, it hurts.” And as the thunder that is my heartbeat echoes in my ears, I can’t seem to catch my breath. I try to pull in air, but it’s like sucking through a straw and it’s not enough. It’s nowhere near enough. My throat is constricted, almost as if the black claws from John’s face have wrapped themselves around my neck and are squeezing tighter and tighter.
I gotta breathe. Breathe. Inhale. Do it!
I struggle to take a breath and all I can remember is him. The feel of his hand on my elbow as he asks me my name. His lips against mine for the first time. His battered body. The look of betrayal on his face. The way the ring slides over his finger. And everything else. Everything about him. The way he tastes. The way he smiles. The way he says my name. His skin against my fingertips. His laugh. His anger and his beauty. The pictures of our life, shoved into those boxes, into those warehouses, have exploded and all I can see is him, I am engulfed by him. Memories slam together and voices roll over each other and mesh together until all I can hear is Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, and it’s a chant, a loving caress, a joyous scream.
Exhale.
It burns. My whole body feels like it’s on fire, and my head rocks back. John’s cheek brushes against mine.
In… hale….
“John,” I whisper as I arch my back, muscles tensing viciously.
Ex… hale….
The pain starts to fade. I can feel his body next to mine.
In….
… hale.
I’m warm. It’s not… it’s not like I thought it would be. I can’t… is this…?
I think, John.
Ex….
* * *
There was a time once, right before the cabin was finished, when I came around the corner from my garden and saw John standing in the middle of the yard, his eyes closed, his face tilted up toward the sky. He had a small smile on his face as he took a deep breath and let it out. At that moment, he’d never been more beautiful.
Something came over me then, and I couldn’t keep from rushing to his side, grabbing his face in my hands, and kissing him for all I was worth. He laughed quietly against my lips, and when I finally pulled away, he hooked a hand around my neck and pressed his forehead to mine. No words were said, but it didn’t matter. I knew his thoughts because I was thinking the same thing.
Forever.
* * *
The sun is on my face. I’m lying on my back. There’s grass underneath me. A bee buzzes past my ear. I hear waves lapping at a shore. Doesn’t sound like the ocean. Is it… maybe. A lake? It sounds like a lake. Birds off in the distance. A breeze through my hair. It feels like summer. It’s warm. It seems safe, like nothing could ever hurt me. It feels like a dream, and I can’t tell if I’m dreaming while awake.
Footsteps approach and a shadow crosses over my face. Someone is standing above me, blocking out the sun. I hear a deep chuckle and it rocks me down to my bones and I want to open my eyes. I want to open them so bad, but I can’t take the chance that it’s not real. That this is a dream and not real.
Then the figure above me says one word and one word only, and it’s said in a young voice. A strong voice. A voice that makes me ache. And with that word, tears explode from underneath my eyelids and I cry out a song of loss and mourning. Of heartbreak. Of relief, of so much goddamn relief that I think I’ll be torn apart from the tragic beauty of it all. And buried in this song comes a single memory rising through the cacophony that is my mind, brightly lit, like it’s a shooting star. I latch onto and hold it tight because I know it means everything. Because I know it is everything.
It’ll only be me. Only me. You’ll see. No one else will call you that like I do. No one ever will. You hear that name and you’ll know it’s comin’ from me.
And from up above me, the word comes again: “Jackie,” he says.
I open my eyes.
Afterword
When TJ Klune was eight, he picked up a pen and paper and began to write his first story (which turned out to be his own sweeping epic version of the video game Super Metroid—he didn’t think the game ended very well and wanted to offer his own take on it. He never heard back from the video game company, much to his chagrin). Now, two decades later, the cast of characters in his head have only gotten louder, wondering why he has to go to work as a claims examiner for an insurance company during the day when he could just stay home and write.
He recently went slightly insane and moved to the East Coast from the Sonoran Desert with his fiancé and neurotic cat in tow. He dreams about one day standing at Stonehenge, just so he can say he did. TJ can be found on Facebook under TJ Klune.
* * *
His blog is tjklunebooks.blogspot.com.
You can e-mail him at tjklunebooks@yahoo.com.
About TJ Klune
TJ KLUNE is a Lambda Literary Award-winning author (Into This River I Drown) of over twenty novels and an ex-claims examiner for an insurance company. His novels include Wolfsong, The Lightning-Struck Heart and Bear, Otter and the Kid. Being queer himself, TJ believes it's important—now more than ever—to have accurate, positive, queer representation in stories.
Also by TJ Klune
The Bear, Otter and the Kid Chronicles
Bear, Otter and the Kid
Who We Are
The Art of Breathing
The Long and Winding Road
* * *
Tales From Verania
The Lightning-Struck Heart
A Destiny of Dragons
The Consumption of Magic
A Wish Upon the Stars
* * *
Green Creek
Wolfsong
Ravensong
Heartsong
Brothersong
* * *
At First Sight
Tell Me It’s Real
The Queen & the Homo Jock King
Until You
Why We Fight
* * *
How to Be
How to Be a Normal Person
How to Be a Movie Star
* * *
Immemorial Year
Withered + Sere
Crisped + Sere
* * *
Standalones
Burn
Olive Juice
Murmuration
Into This River I Drown
John & Jackie
* * *
Look for more about all of these books on TJ’s site
TJ Klune, John & Jackie
