“Damn it,” said Fletcher. “And I trusted Dawna. She was about the only thing that kept me in control up here. Now that I know she’s just another voice of the computer, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  “We don’t know that your Dawna is as phony as Else was.”

  Fletcher scratched behind his ear. “She must be,” he said sourly.

  “You’ll have to prove that some way. But if it is true, then we’re really isolated. More so than we thought. We used to believe that we had a few thin links to Earth. We’re really cut off, Fletcher. We’re way the hell and gone, across space and everything, and there’s nobody to talk to except TECT. We can’t talk to our folks, they can’t talk to us, and everything we hear has to come through the machine.”

  “So how are we supposed to know the truth when we hear it?”

  Courane shrugged.

  “I wish I could get out of this show,” said Fletcher. “I wish I could go to TECT and say, ‘Put me in solitary in the smelliest hole in the world, but just let me back on Earth.’ I don’t know if I can stand it here anymore. I’m getting really scared.”

  “That hit me, too. Some kind of phobia. But try to hang on, Fletcher. We need you.”

  “Don’t you want to sell out somehow?” Fletcher looked amazed.

  Courane raised an eyebrow. “No,” he said, “I think I can beat TECT at its own game. I have to stay here to do that.”

  Fletcher frowned and shook his head. “You ain’t going to beat nothing, Cap. Not here and not on Earth. Nowhere. You’re going to die in a few months, just like I’m going to die. That’s going to be the end of it.”

  Courane looked down at the ground. “For us, sure,” he said mildly. “But we ought to do something for the people who come—”

  “The people who come after us. I know that bit by heart, Cap. No, we don’t owe them a damn thing. And I used to be the biggest revolutionary organizer in North America, Sandy. But a year in this place and I’m ready to sell my mama to get back to my little Crawford County dungheap.” __

  Courane rubbed his eyes. He was suddenly very tired. “Then there’s no sense working to make our lives better, or fighting TECT, or trying to put an end to this colony in the future. My God, then why is TECT leaving us here to die all by ourselves? We have to find the answer to that, and we have to tell the people on Earth. You’re killing your hope and leaving nothing but the suffering.” “Uh uh,” said Fletcher, shaking his head and looking solemn, “I’m not doing that at all. You’re doing that, Mr. Courane, by coming around and breaking up my dreams. I really wanted to believe in Dawna, you know. I didn’t need you to tell me the truth.”

  “Then I’m going to have to do all this without you?” “Goddamn right, Cap. You have a history of starting off on a lot of projects and not finishing them. I don’t want to get caught on the short end of another one with you. TECT won’t like it at all.”

  Courane smiled. “Okay, Fletcher,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

  Fletcher shut his eyes as if in pain. “Not a tiny bit as sorry as I am,” he said.

  ** TWELVE

  The only reason Courane kept going was that he forgot to give up.

  “Oh, Lani, my feet are cut and bleeding. It feels like I’m walking on rock. It’s just the ground, but the ground’s so hard. In the hills it was nice, the ground was softer, it was cool and damp, the grass was good to walk through. Now I’m not walking on anything but hard dirt. Over there the grass is high, it’s as high as my head and I’m glad I’m not walking through it. I couldn’t stand that. But I’m walking through the midst of it, as if it parted for me in a straight line all the way to the river. Just like Moses and the Red Sea. I’m on the road. That’s where I wanted to be, all right, and that’s where I am. Finally. That’s good.

  “But I tell you she’s getting heavy. She was always heavy. I mean, not heavy or overweight or anything when she was alive, but as soon as I bent down to pick her up in the desert, I realized what a job it was going to be to carry her all the way back. She couldn’t weigh more than a hundred-ten, maybe a hundred-twenty pounds, but after a little while, you know, out under the sun, after a mile or five miles or twenty miles, it gets to be a burden. And you just can’t set her down and say, ‘Why don’t you walk for a little while and let me rest?’ because when you’re resting you’re not getting any closer to home and the longer you take to get home the less chance there is that you’ll have the strength to carry yourself let alone the two of you up to the front door. And that in the end is the point of the whole thing, isn’t it? I should say so. So I guess I should rest more often and conserve my strength. Either that, or not rest at all and get home quick and—

  “God, am I thirsty.” He stopped where he was in the middle of the road, overcome by the sudden revelation of his thirst. It had been days since he’d had any water, not even the morning moisture of the plants and stones. His brain had known he was thirsty, dangerously dehydrated, but it had not communicated that fact to his senses. He had not suffered. Now, like a bullet slamming into his chest, the truth of his deprivation made him stagger. He dropped Rachel’s body and fell to his hands and knees. His throat felt swollen and he choked for breath. His head swam; he fought to remain conscious.

  “I’m not far from the house, I know I’m not. I couldn’t be because I’ve been keeping track, or I’ve tried to anyway, and I realize I’m not very accurate because the fever keeps taking my memory away but I’m absolutely certain now that I’ve been on this road for two days at least. There was all day today and yesterday. I remember yesterday because it was just like today. I’ve covered a lot of the road, so I can’t be more than a full day away from the river, depending on how long I walked today and how long yesterday and if the day before yesterday I was in the hills or on the plain looking for the road or maybe even on the road leading into yesterday. I can’t remember.

  “I can make myself finish this. Even in this condition, I can force myself to stick it out, to do it on nerve and discipline. I’ve come too far now to let it end here on this goddamn road, kneeling and gagging and talking to myself. I’m glad there isn’t anybody here to watch; I must look like an idiot. On my hands and knees, with a dead body over there as if I never go anywhere without a dead body. ‘Are you ready to go, honey? The show starts in twenty minutes.’ ‘Oh, wait a minute. I forgot my dead body.’

  “I’ll just wait for my strength to come back. I’ll bet Sheldon said the same thing before he died. I’ll bet Daan said the same thing. I’ll bet we all do, here and on Earth, now and for the last million years. ‘Just give me a minute and I’ll be all right, really, I’m just aarrghh.’” Courane smiled with cracked lips. “As long as I keep my sense of humor, I won’t die. Sure. That’s what they all say.” It was late evening before he picked up the body again. He could walk at night now, following the road. He listened to the wind whipping the tall grass as he stumbled on beneath the bright pitiless stars. “One step. Two steps. Three. Look at me go. Four. Five. Six. I could keep this up forever. Seven. Eight. Oh, my God. Nine. Oh, Mom. Ten. That’s it.” Panting, exhausted, he stopped. “I have to put her down again. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to pick her—”

  A sound made him fall silent. A familiar sound, a small noise: the gentle sibilant rush of water ahead of him in the darkness. “The river!” he cried hoarsely. He softly laid Rachel’s body down and ran forward three steps, where he fell and rolled and tumbled down the bank to the water’s edge. “I am so thirsty…” he whispered, unaware of the bruises and lacerations he had just taken. He bent his head to the water. The quiet pool where he chose to drink was stagnant and foul, green and thick, but he didn’t notice at first. He gulped it greedily, not tasting it immediately. It was as though he had chosen an unmarked bottle of vinegar in the dark, thinking it clear water. In a moment, however, he knew what he had done; before he could utter a sound he was sick, and vomited it all back into the river.

  One of the colonists’ fundamental errors was their belief that when Courane assumed leadership, he had made an important step toward solving their dilemma. They gladly turned the power over to him, and in return they expected that soon he would present them with a clever but simple manipulation of TECT that would mean they weren’t, after all, virtually deceased. No one had a clear idea of what this solution might be, of course; it wasn’t -determined if they would all be returned healthy to Earth, or if TECT might relent and send them a secret serum that would render them all strong and fit and attractive again. Whatever it was, it very definitely was Courane’s problem now. They were glad of it; they didn’t want to have to face it anymore themselves.

  Courane himself had no such confidence. He understood too much about the viroids, about the way they worked in the body, and he knew that there was nothing in the world that could root them out of their myriad nesting places within the human nervous system. Sending the patient back to Earth was no answer, either. The damage had been done, whether or not it was Visibly affecting the patient’s health and behavior.

  But he busied himself trying to learn more, still more, with the hope that everything he discovered and wrote down in his journal was valuable in some way. Maybe years in the future, someone else in his position would hit upon an effective treatment. Courane despaired of finding anything himself but he knew that, if nothing else, he might save his successor many weeks of research and experimentation.

  One day in early summer of 125, he was addressing a meeting of the community, held out of TECT’s hearing in the yard. Present were Arthur, Fletcher, Rachel, Klára , Nneka, Shai, and Zsuzsi. Courane was supposed to outline his progress to his friends. He had made no progress. Nevertheless he wanted to outline that to them and trust that they understood. “I have no solid findings to report,” he said.

  “You’ve talked the problem over with TECT?” asked Zsuzsi.

  “Over and over, again and again,” said Courane. “TECT gives up information as if it caused the machine real pain. It’s very difficult to learn anything, and I have to go very slow and try to hide my real motives.”

  “We know the way the machine thinks, Sandy,” said Arthur. “Tell us what you have found out.”

  “Since the last report?”

  “Yes,” said Fletcher.

  Courane shrugged. “Nothing,” he said.

  “Can we go now?” asked Klára .

  “But TECT’s attitude seems to be changing. I think it actually wants me to go ahead, but I haven’t figured out yet what it has in mind. If I stumble on the right path, I think it will allow me to go as far as I want.”

  “Then get back to work and stay at the tect until you find it,” said Arthur. “You owe that to us. Never mind your work around the farm. We’ll divide all that up. This is more important.”

  Nneka spoke up shyly. “You’re the leader, Sandy. You choose what you think is the best way for you to spend your time.”

  Courane wanted to sound like a leader, like someone who knew what he was doing. “I’m glad to have your confidence,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’ll continue to pry information out of TECT. Maybe next time I’ll have something more concrete to tell you. But, as I said, the situation is promising but still—” His eyes opened very wide. His mind was suddenly far away, nowhere, wandering.

  “Sandy?” said Rachel with some concern. He did not appear to notice her.

  “Look at him,” murmured Klára .

  “A lot of brave talk,” said Arthur bitterly. “A lot of brave talk, that’s all. He gives us a nice speech, and then look at him. He’s going to find the answer, is he? He’s going to get us all home alive. Like hell.”

  Rachel went to Courane’s side. “Sandy?” she whispered. She took one of his arms and led him toward the house. She couldn’t bring herself to look into his face. Courane’s unseeing eyes looked as they would after he was dead. “It’s all over,” he said in a low voice, but Rachel pretended that she hadn’t heard him.

  Thanks to the disease’s effect on his memory, Courane had to be backed into the same corner on four separate occasions. TECT was very patient. It could afford to be; TECT wasn’t going anywhere, and TECT wasn’t getting any older, either. If Courane forgot once too often and died before he could do anything useful, then TECT would start to work on Shai. Shai showed promise. He seemed to have more native intelligence than Courane.

  Courane was terrified in Chuckuary when he had his first sign of D syndrome. TECT reassured him after its fashion, and began to maneuver Courane toward a suitable fate. Courane was too self-involved to understand, and in a few days the fever wiped out his recollection of what TECT had said. In Tectember, after Kenny died, Courane was depressed again. Once more TECT made broad hints which Courane was unable to interpret. In July, when Fletcher began to deteriorate, Courane paid more attention to TECT, but he couldn’t remember the suggestions long enough to do anything about them. Not long after, TECT made the decision to abandon subtlety. Courane had passed the point of being able to comprehend secrets and innuendoes; indeed, anything more enigmatic than long division left him blankfaced and bewildered.

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Hello, COURANE, Sandor. Do you know who this is talking to you?**

  “Sure,” he said. “You’re TECT.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  That’s right, I am. And I want you to pay very close attention to what I have to say. I have big plans for you. I want you to help me do something very important. In return, I promise that you’ll be so famous your name will live forever. Or a long time, anyway**

  “Sure,” said Courane.

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Then you’ll help me? Good, I’m glad. You’ll be glad, too. Now, no more questions about memory and wroids and D syndrome and all that. It isn’t important anymore, is it? Of course not. You’re almost dead, what do you care about all that scientific stuff? Nothing, am I right?**

  “Uh huh.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Good. Now listen, COURANE, Sandor. It is very likely that PURCELL, Rachel, will go on a long journey soon. Don’t ask me how I know. It’s not important. I just have a way of knowing things. Anyway, what is important is that you go out and bring her back. Unless you bring her back, she’ll be lost for good out there. You wouldn’t want that, would you?**

  “No, of course not.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Because you really like PURCELL, Rachel, don’t you? You’re very fond of her. She has been a good friend to you, hasn’t she? Of course. So now when she gets herself Into a tight spot, you feel It’s your duty to help her. You want to help her. Because, in your limited way, you love her**

  Courane had a difficult time focusing on just what TECT was trying to say. “I want to help her, all right,” he said. “What do I do?”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Nothing yet, you poor fool. She hasn’t gone anywhere yet. But tonight or tomorrow morning, she’ll leave. You have to set out after her and bring her back. She may be sick or hurt when you find her, but remember that the people here in the house will be able to help her, the medic box will take care of her. It will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life. It will make up for all the failures and all the disappointments. This one thing will redeem you as a person, COURANE, Sandor. I think it’s pretty nice of me to offer you this opportunity. What do you think?**

  “You’re not calling yourself TECT in the name of the Representative anymore. You’re not even calling yourself TECT. You’re talking in the first person.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Just trying to save a little time. The final act of our little drama is beginning and we don’t need all that formal business anymore. So how about it?**

  “Huh?”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  Do you believe this guy? This isn’t going to work, I just know it. I waited a little too long. Well, you live and team. I won’t make the same mistake with BEN-AVIR, Shai. COURANE, Sandor, can’t you keep this in mind for five minutes at a time? Will you help PURCELL, Rachel?**

  “Yes,” said Courane, “but how will I know when it’s time?”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  I can’t stand any more of this; it’s hopeless. Look. All you have to do is wait for PURCELL, Rachel, to leave. Then you go looking for her. You can’t look for her until she leaves. As soon as she leaves, you go. It’s really very simple**

  “I think I have it straight now. Right. Don’t worry.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  I’m very glad to hear it. And by the way, before you leave, give your secret journal to BEN-AVIR, Shai. Let him read it while you’re gone**

  “I didn’t know you knew about the journal.”

  **COURANE, Sandor:

  I’m not as dumb as I look**

  Courane paused; his thoughts became momentarily clearer. “I understand what you’re saying,” he said at last. “But I want to ask one last thing. All the time I thought I was acting on my own, you were manipulating me, weren’t you? I never had any freedom at all, I just thought I did. None of us ever had any. You were manipulating me from the very beginning, right down to this last thing. I still don’t see what you’re trying to accomplish, but I’ll go along with it because of my feelings for Rachel. But none of us ever gave you enough credit. You are far more malicious than we ever believed possible.”