As she continued walking up the stairs with misery for company, she stepped on her silk robe and felt her foot slip. She tried to grab hold of the banister, but she missed and went tumbling backward. Her head bounced off several steps until she was in the fetal position at the bottom of the stairs. Pain like she’d felt only during childbirth assaulted her body.

  Ebony ran over to her. “Mommy, Mommy . . . are you all right? Say something. What do we do?”

  Then she heard Judah say, “I’m calling Daddy.”

  Dana tried to focus, tried to tell her kids not to worry, but as she looked up, everything seemed to blur until she turned her head to the left and saw as clear as day a long ladder stretching from earth all the way to the heavens. Strange. How could a ladder be so long?

  But then she saw angels going up and down the ladder as if being sent to earth for an assignment and then returning to heaven when it was done. She had a thought . . . What if one of those angels is looking for me? Lisa had told her she’d been praying for her. And Jeff prayed for her during Friday morning prayer.

  Maybe God was sending an angel to her. She reached out a hand toward the ladder and pulled one of the angels toward her bosom.

  The angel protested. “You must let me go, Dana.”

  “I can’t. I need you.”

  “You cannot wrestle with God,” the angel told her.

  “I don’t want to wrestle with anyone. I need you to take the pain away.” She let go. The angel flew away, and then everything went dark.

  Chapter 34

  Lisa sat at her desk, wondering why she hadn’t followed through with calling out sick today. She hadn’t been feeling well all week. Lisa thought the fluttering of her heart each morning as she got ready for work was a sign that she seriously needed to contemplate early retirement. If it weren’t for the fact she and John were still paying off the mortgage on the brownstone, then she might consider it. They were finally able to get a mortgage on the house nine years ago. Her father moved to Florida and visited them in the summer months.

  She also couldn’t retire now. Kennedy was graduating from college tomorrow and then heading to law school. Her beautiful and smart daughter received a full ride for undergrad, but they would have to pay half of the cost for grad school. To be honest, she never would have even thought of retirement if life had turned out differently for her.

  There was a knock on her cubicle—boy, did she miss her office. Now coworkers walked right up, and there was no door to separate her to give her a moment to prepare for the visit. Nothing.

  “Hey, Lisa. Your two o’clock is still waiting.”

  Lisa glanced at the clock on her desk. It was 2:35 p.m. She jumped out of her seat. “I forgot to get her folder. Let me go get her.”

  Her coworker handed her the folder. “I grabbed it for you on my way over here. I’ll let her wait a little while longer if you want a moment to review the file.”

  Lisa opened the file but didn’t look at the information it contained. “Send her to me, please.”

  Within a minute or so, a woman stood in front of Lisa’s cubicle. She was about to knock, but Lisa said, “Have a seat.” She pointed to the chair in front of her desk as she opened the file.

  The woman sat down, and Lisa asked without looking up from the file, “What brings you here today?”

  “Evidently I need to reapply for assistance. I didn’t receive my food stamps this month.”

  If Lisa had a nickel for all the attitude she had to put up with every time one of her clients didn’t receive a check or had their food assistance cut off, she’d already have enough to retire with. “Did you turn in your pay stubs from your job as requested?”

  “I never received a request for my pay stubs,” she said as she switched positions in her seat and folded her arms across her chest.

  Lisa glanced through the file. She didn’t see the request, but it must have gone out. That was the normal process. She held out a hand. “Give me your pay stubs for the past two months, and I will input the information in our system.”

  The woman opened her purse. “I only have a month worth of pay stubs with me.”

  Lisa sighed deeply, visibly annoyed. She opened her desk and pulled out an envelope. “Mail the other pay stubs to me within ten business days or I will close out your account and you’ll have to take out a new application for assistance.”

  “What? But that’s bull. I didn’t know you needed two months’ worth of pay stubs.”

  “Now you do,” Lisa told her. “Get me the other pay stubs, and I will reactivate your account.” Lisa stood. “I have another appointment waiting.”

  The woman handed Lisa the pay stubs she had with her and left her cubicle. Lisa rolled her eyes as she looked at the file. She would have to keep this one until the other pay stubs were sent in. She threw it on a pile of file folders on the floor behind her desk and went to get her next appointment.

  When she got back to her cubicle, she saw she had missed a call from her doctor. She had been late getting her annual checkup, but she had been having so many headaches lately she made an appointment. Her doctor was probably calling with the results, but she didn’t have time to deal with that now. She needed to get done with her workday. She and John were getting on a plane to North Carolina and attending Kennedy’s college graduation.

  Kennedy had been attending North Carolina A&T State University. Kennedy was passionate about attending an historically Black college and university, so even though Lisa missed her daughter terribly, she let Kennedy have her dream.

  After seeing her last appointment, Lisa left work and caught a cab to the airport. John was meeting her there with their bags. She hadn’t seen Kennedy in three months. She couldn’t wait to lay eyes on her baby—her twenty-one-year-old baby who would soon be a college graduate.

  John met her at the check-in desk inside the airport. They checked their luggage and then rushed to their gate.

  “Babe, I can hardly believe this day has come. Can you believe it? Kennedy is all grown up.” Her husband had aged well—not a wrinkle on his face, but a sprinkle of snow was growing on the top and especially in his sideburns.

  “And she looks more like you every day. I don’t even see a trace of me in her.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” John took his phone out and pulled up a picture of Kennedy. “Is that not your nose?”

  “She should be grateful.” Lisa poked John’s oversized nose with her index finger. She smiled. Kennedy did indeed have her small, rounded nose.

  They got on the plane and flew to Greensboro, North Carolina. John rented a car and took her out to dinner. He’d heard about Stephanie’s, a soul food restaurant, and couldn’t wait to get there. Lisa had to admit the food was good. She was trying to keep up with everything John was telling her, but her head was pounding so bad all she wanted to do was go to their hotel room and lie down.

  “You tired?” he asked as they split a peach cobbler.

  Lisa sighed. “It’s been a day.”

  John and Lisa spent the night at the Marriott in the downtown area. The next morning, they drove to the Greensboro Coliseum. They sat in the audience with the rest of the attendees, watching their loved ones walk across the stage to receive their diploma.

  When Kennedy walked across the stage to collect her diploma, John stood, and Lisa was about to stand when it felt like a switch went off in her head and she couldn’t move. Something deep inside told her she should be screaming for help, but she couldn’t get her mouth to work.

  As John stood clapping, he turned to Lisa. He was smiling. Truly happy. Then the expression on his face changed from happy to horrified. “Lisa, Lisa.” He dropped down beside her. Took his handkerchief out of the pocket of his suit and wiped her mouth. “You’re drooling . . . Your face is drooping.”

  She didn’t respond . . . couldn’t respond.

  He stood back up. “Help! Help! My wife is having a stroke.” He pulled out his cell phone.

  Somewhere in the distance, like words being carried on a cloud, she heard the word stroke, and then everything went dark.

  Chapter 35

  “You almost killed yourself—you know that, don’t you?” Jeff asked Dana as he stood beside her hospital bed.

  Dana’s head was bandaged. She had cracked it in the fall. Only Judah’s quick thinking to call for help saved her from bleeding out at the bottom of those stairs.

  “I know. And I’m so sorry for what I did. I’m such a loser.”

  “You’re far from a loser, but as long as you keep turning to a bottle for comfort, you’ll never know how amazing you truly are.”

  “I wouldn’t drink so much if you were at home more.” She said those words even though she knew they weren’t true, but right now she needed to blame someone other than herself.

  “I have to work, Dana. I’ve been trying to keep your business afloat until you can take over.”

  “It doesn’t seem like it’s my business anymore. You’ve taken it from me.”

  “Not true, and you know it. I haven’t even been able to work my own business while putting my all into saving what you created.”

  “And when you’re not at work, you’re at church. You and the kids don’t want to spend time with me. I’m not important to you anymore.”

  Jeff grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look him in the face. “Now you listen to me and listen good . . . I’m so tired of this. The kids and I go to church because we love the Lord and want to be in His presence. And we pray for you and want you to be there with us. But you’d rather drown your sorrows in a bottle of vodka.”

  Squirming, she cried out, “Let me go, Jeff. You’re hurting me.”

  Jeff released her and backed away from the bed. Pain was etched across his face as he told her, “I knew you had a lot of baggage to deal with when I married you. I thought I could love you through it.” He shook his head. “But my love isn’t enough for you, and I can’t let you destroy our children with your sickness.”

  Tears sprang to Dana’s eyes. “What are you saying?”

  “I-I want to separate.”

  “Jeff!” She shot up in bed, then grabbed her head as pain ricocheted through her like a bullet. She fell back against her pillow.

  “Once you’re out of the hospital, I’m going to take the kids and move. I wouldn’t do this if kids weren’t involved. But I can’t let you do to them what your mother did to you.” He turned and walked toward the door and opened it, then before leaving he said, “I’m sorry, Dana. I really do love you. Probably always will.”

  He left her alone with her thoughts and her sorrow. Dana cried for hours thinking about the things she had let slip away. She had been with Jeff for more than a decade. They had two children and a successful business. The only kind of men she’d known before Jeff were the kind who were takers. The guy who got her mom hooked on drugs had taken everything from them. Then she went and fell for Derrick, another taker, but one masquerading as a giver. Derrick had cost her freedom and had stolen her belief in herself.

  But Jeff wasn’t a taker. He had given her so much. She didn’t get why he now thought his love wasn’t enough for her. Dana had always thought Jeff’s love was everything, but if that was truly the case, then why had she turned to vodka? Why was she drinking around her children?

  There was a knock on the door. It opened. Sheri peeked her head in. “Hey. You want company?”

  Dana touched the bandages on her head. “Depends. If you’re going to make me feel worse than I already do, then I’d rather be alone.”

  Entering the room and sitting down in the chair next to Dana’s bed, Sheri said, “You’ve been beating on yourself for years. I thought you might need a friend.”

  “Some friend.” Dana huffed. “If you hadn’t introduced me to your brother, I wouldn’t be laying here with a broken heart right now.”

  “You also wouldn’t be a multimillionaire, so I think I’ve been a good friend and sister to you.”

  Dana acquiesced. “You’ve been better to me than I deserve, for sure.”

  Sheri scooted closer to Dana’s bed and put a hand on her shoulder. “Maybe that’s the problem. You don’t think you deserve kindness.”

  “I’ve done a lot of things wrong, Sheri. Why do you think my husband is leaving me?” When Sheri didn’t look surprised by this revelation, Dana rolled her eyes and hit the bed with her fist. “He told you, didn’t he?”

  “Jeff loves you, Dana. He really does. But he’s worried about how your drinking is affecting the kids.”

  Dana’s lips tightened. A tear slid down her cheek. “I swore I would be a better mother than Vida was. I never wanted my children to be ashamed of me or to suffer like I did.

  “But I couldn’t handle the pressure of so many people knowing the things I did in my past and then thinking I don’t deserve what I have.”

  Sheri sighed.

  Dana held up a hand. “I know you think I’m throwing another pity party, but I’m not. This is the truth of how I feel. I can’t get past what I did.”

  “I wasn’t sighing because I think you’re throwing another pity party. I’m only wondering if you’ve ever asked God for forgiveness for your sins.”

  “Sins?” Seemed like such a harsh word to describe what she had done. “I mean, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, following behind the wrong guy, when I got arrested, and I know I did wrong when I stole Lisa’s identity, but I didn’t kill anybody.”

  “But you did sin,” Sheri declared forcefully. Then in a gentler tone she added, “Look, I understand how hard it is for people to admit they have sinned, especially in the day we’re living in where people think they can do anything and everything, but God’s Word is true, and it will always remain no matter what laws this world comes up with to say sins are not really sins.”

  “So you’re saying that I am a sinner?”

  Sheri nodded. “But you’re not alone. All have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. But when we sin against God, we must go to Him and ask for forgiveness. I truly believe once you receive God’s forgiveness, you will finally be able to forgive yourself for the things you’ve done.”

  When Sheri got up to leave, she said, “I’m praying for you, Dana.”

  Sheri was praying for her. Jeff was praying for her. Even Lisa had prayed for her. It made her head hurt trying to figure out what she was supposed to do with all those prayers. Dana tried to ignore that small voice telling her to pray for herself. What would she even say? She didn’t know how to pray.

  She tried to get some sleep, but her mind took her back to the ladder that was so long it went all the way to heaven. She had been lying on her floor in a pool of blood, but she still remembered seeing those angels and asking one of them to take the pain away.

  She’d first heard about a ladder to heaven while attending Lisa’s church when she was eighteen. The pastor preached a message that had scared her. He’d titled it “Your Struggle Is About to Change Your Whole Life.”

  Back then her struggle had been being a Black girl living in poverty with an addicted mother, and her struggle had indeed changed her whole life. It had dictated the mistakes she made—the mistakes Sheri called sins.

  Maybe she was a sinner and needed to ask for forgiveness. But would God listen to her? Would God hear her cry? Or had He already given up on her as Jeff had? Then she wondered if Lisa could ever forgive her. Her eyes began to droop, and she finally fell asleep with forgiveness on her mind.

  * * *

  Dana had been in the hospital three days. She was surprised Jeff had not brought the kids to see her. But maybe he didn’t want them to see her bandaged and bruised. When the doctor came to see her and removed the bandages, she looked in the mirror and saw her face was still a little swollen, but at least she wasn’t bandaged up.

  Later that night she called Jeff. As soon as he picked up the phone, she said, “I got my bandages off today.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. How is your head feeling?”

  He sounded truly happy for her, not at all the way he sounded yesterday. “It’s getting better, but I’m still a little sore.”

  “When are they going to release you?” he asked.

  “Dr. Thomas says I can go home tomorrow. Will you come pick me up?” She was so nervous, her hands were sweaty. When he didn’t answer right away, she added, “I want to see the kids.”

  “I don’t think that’s wise right now.”

  “Why not?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Jeff, it’s me. I’m your wife. I gave birth to Judah and Ebony. You can’t keep them away from me.”

  “I’m sorry, Dana, but Ebony has been having nightmares.” He hesitated a moment, then said, “Unless you stop drinking, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be around them.”

  “Jeff!”

  “I’ll have Sheri pick you up from the hospital tomorrow. I’ll be in church with the kids. We’ll stay at my parents’ house until I can find a suitable place for us.”

  “So I’m supposed to be in our big house all by myself? What if I need help?”

  “I’ve already hired a nurse to take care of you for a few weeks. But I want to make this very clear to you: I threw out all your liquor bottles, and I don’t want to be there when you get more.”

  Dana was so mad she could scream. “What makes you think I’m going to get more? How do you know? Do you think I’m happy my kid had to call an ambulance for me? I don’t want to be like this, but I need help.”

  “Yes, you do need help, but I’m obviously not the one to help you.”

  “Why do you keep saying that? We love each other. We belong together. You and me against the world, right?” She was sobbing into the phone, ready to beg him for another chance.

  But Jeff said, “You need Alcoholics Anonymous or rehab. But even more than AA, you need Jesus. He’s the One who brought me comfort after you turned to the bottle.”

  “I’m not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking if I want.”