Whose life were ill bestowed, or death unfamed,

  Where Helen is the subject. Then, I say,

  160

  Well may we fight for her whom, we know well,

  The world’s large spaces cannot parallel.

  HECTOR Paris and Troilus, you have both said well

  And on the cause and question now in hand

  Have glozed – but superficially, not much

  165

  Unlike young men, whom Aristotle thought

  Unfit to hear moral philosophy.

  The reasons you allege do more conduce

  To the hot passion of distempered blood

  Than to make up a free determination

  170

  ’Twixt right and wrong; for pleasure and revenge

  Have ears more deaf than adders to the voice

  Of any true decision. Nature craves

  All dues be rendered to their owners. Now,

  What nearer debt in all humanity

  175

  Than wife is to the husband? If this law

  Of nature be corrupted through affection,

  And that great minds, of partial indulgence

  To their benumbed wills, resist the same,

  There is a law in each well-ordered nation

  180

  To curb those raging appetites that are

  Most disobedient and refractory.

  If Helen then be wife to Sparta’s king,

  As it is known she is, these moral laws

  Of nature and of nations speak aloud

  185

  To have her back returned. Thus to persist

  In doing wrong extenuates not wrong,

  But makes it much more heavy. Hector’s opinion

  Is this in way of truth; yet, ne’ertheless,

  My sprightly brethren, I propend to you

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  In resolution to keep Helen still;

  For ’tis a cause that hath no mean dependence

  Upon our joint and several dignities.

  TROILUS

  Why, there you touched the life of our design!

  Were it not glory that we more affected

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  Than the performance of our heaving spleens,

  I would not wish a drop of Trojan blood

  Spent more in her defence. But, worthy Hector,

  She is a theme of honour and renown,

  A spur to valiant and magnanimous deeds,

  200

  Whose present courage may beat down our foes

  And fame in time to come canonize us.

  For I presume brave Hector would not lose

  So rich advantage of a promised glory

  As smiles upon the forehead of this action

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  For the wide world’s revenue.

  HECTOR I am yours,

  You valiant offspring of great Priamus.

  I have a roisting challenge sent amongst

  The dull and factious nobles of the Greeks

  Will strike amazement to their drowsy spirits.

  210

  I was advertised their great general slept,

  Whilst emulation in the army crept.

  This, I presume, will wake him. Exeunt.

  2.3 Enter THERSITES, alone.

  THERSITES How now, Thersites? What, lost in the

  labyrinth of thy fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it

  thus? He beats me, and I rail at him. O worthy

  satisfaction! Would it were otherwise – that I could beat

  him whilst he railed at me. ’Sfoot, I’ll learn to conjure

  5

  and raise devils but I’ll see some issue of my spiteful

  execrations. Then there’s Achilles – a rare engineer! If

  Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls

  will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great

  thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove,

  10

  the king of gods; and Mercury, lose all the serpentine

  craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little, little, less

  than little wit from them that they have! – which short-

  armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce it

  will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider

  15

  without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web.

  After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! Or rather,

  the Neapolitan bone-ache! For that, methinks, is the

  curse dependent on those that war for a placket. I have

  said my prayers, and devil Envy say ‘Amen’. – What ho!

  20

  My Lord Achilles!

  Enter PATROCLUS at the entrance of Achilles’ tent.

  PATROCLUS Who’s there? Thersites? Good Thersites,

  come in and rail. [Disappears briefly.]

  THERSITES If I could ha’ remembered a gilt counterfeit,

  thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation;

  25

  but it is no matter. Thyself upon thyself! The common

  curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great

  revenue! Heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline

  come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till

  thy death; then if she that lays thee out says thou art a

  30

  fair corpse, I’ll be sworn and sworn upon’t she never

  shrouded any but lazars.

  PATROCLUS reappears.

  Amen. – Where’s Achilles?

  PATROCLUS What, art thou devout? Wast thou in

  prayer?

  35

  THERSITES Ay. The heavens hear me!

  PATROCLUS Amen.

  Enter ACHILLES.

  ACHILLES Who’s there?

  PATROCLUS Thersites, my lord.

  ACHILLES Where? Where? O, where? – Art thou come?

  40

  Why, my cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not

  served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come,

  what’s Agamemnon?

  THERSITES Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me,

  Patroclus, what’s Achilles?

  45

  PATROCLUS Thy lord, Thersites. Then tell me, I pray

  thee, what’s thyself?

  THERSITES Thy knower, Patroclus. Then tell me,

  Patroclus, what art thou?

  PATROCLUS Thou mayst tell that knowest.

  50

  ACHILLES O, tell, tell.

  THERSITES I’ll decline the whole question.

  AGAMEMNON commands Achilles, Achilles is my lord,

  I am Patroclus’ knower, and Patroclus is a fool.

  PATROCLUS You rascal!

  55

  THERSITES Peace, fool, I have not done.

  ACHILLES He is a privileged man. – Proceed, Thersites.

  THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool, Achilles is a fool,

  Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.

  ACHILLES Derive this. Come.

  60

  THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command

  ACHILLES, Achilles is a fool to be commanded of

  AGAMEMNON, Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool,

  and Patroclus is a fool positive.

  PATROCLUS Why am I a fool?

  65

  THERSITES Make that demand to the creator; it suffices

  me thou art. Look you, who comes here?

  Enter at a distance AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, DIOMEDES, AJAX and CALCHAS.

  ACHILLES Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody. – Come in

  with me, Thersites.

  Exit.

  THERSITES Here is such patchery, such juggling and

  70

  such knavery! All the argument is a whore and a

  cuckold; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and

  bleed to death upon. Now the dry serpigo on the

  subject, and war and lechery confound all!

  Exit.

  AGAMEMNON [to Patroclus] Where is Achilles?

  75

  PATROCLUS Within his tent, but ill-disposed, my lord.

  AGAMEMNON Let it be known to him that we are here.

  He shent our messengers, and we lay by

  Our appertainments, visiting of him.

  Let him be told so, lest perchance he think

  80

  We dare not move the question of our place

  Or know not what we are.

  PATROCLUS I shall so say to him.

  Exit.

  ULYSSES We saw him at the opening of his tent.

  He is not sick.

  85

  AJAX Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it

  melancholy, if you will favour the man, but, by my

  head, ’tis pride. But why, why? Let him show us the

  cause. – A word, my lord. [Takes Agamemnon aside.]

  NESTOR What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?

  90

  ULYSSES Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.

  NESTOR Who? Thersites?

  ULYSSES He.

  NESTOR Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his

  argument.

  95

  ULYSSES No. You see, he is his argument that has his

  argument: Achilles.

  NESTOR All the better; their fraction is more our wish

  than their faction. But it was a strong composure a fool

  could disunite.

  100

  ULYSSES The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may

  easily untie.

  Enter PATROCLUS.

  Here comes Patroclus.

  NESTOR No Achilles with him.

  ULYSSES

  The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy;

  105

  His legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.

  PATROCLUS Achilles bids me say he is much sorry

  If anything more than your sport and pleasure

  Did move your greatness, and this noble state,

  To call upon him; he hopes it is no other

  110

  But for your health and your digestion sake,

  An after-dinner’s breath.

  AGAMEMNON Hear you, Patroclus:

  We are too well acquainted with these answers;

  But his evasion, winged thus swift with scorn,

  Cannot outfly our apprehensions.

  115

  Much attribute he hath, and much the reason

  Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,

  Not virtuously on his own part beheld,

  Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,

  Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,

  120

  Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him

  We come to speak with him. And you shall not sin

  If you do say we think him over-proud

  And under-honest, in self-assumption greater

  Than in the note of judgement; and worthier than himself

  125

  Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,

  Disguise the holy strength of their command,

  And underwrite in an observing kind

  His humorous predominance – yea, watch

  His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if

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  The passage and whole carriage of this action

  Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add

  That if he overhold his price so much,

  We’ll none of him, but let him, like an engine

  Not portable, lie under this report:

  135

  ‘Bring action hither; this cannot go to war’.

  A stirring dwarf we do allowance give

  Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.

  PATROCLUS I shall, and bring his answer presently.

  AGAMEMNON In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;

  140

  We come to speak with him. – Ulysses, enter you.

  Exit Ulysses following Patroclus.

  AJAX What is he more than another?

  AGAMEMNON No more than what he thinks he is.

  AJAX Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself

  a better man than I am?

  145

  AGAMEMNON No question.

  AJAX Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is?

  AGAMEMNON No, noble Ajax. You are as strong, as

  valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and

  altogether more tractable.

  150

  AJAX Why should a man be proud? How doth pride

  grow? I know not what pride is.

  AGAMEMNON Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your

  virtues the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself.

  Pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own

  155

  chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed

  devours the deed in the praise.

  Enter ULYSSES.

  AJAX I do hate a proud man as I hate the engendering of