more than half stewed in grease like a Dutch dish101, to be

  thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that

  surge, like a horse-shoe. Think of that — hissing hot —

  think of that, Master Broom.

  FORD In good sadness105, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you

  have suffered all this. My suit then is desperate. You’ll

  undertake her no more?

  FALSTAFF Master Broom, I will be thrown into Etna108, as I have

  been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is

  this morning gone a-birding. I have received from her

  another embassy111 of meeting: ’twixt eight and nine is the

  hour, Master Broom.

  FORD ’Tis past eight already, sir.

  FALSTAFF Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.

  Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know

  how I speed. And the conclusion shall be crowned with your

  enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Broom.

  Master Broom, you shall cuckold Ford.

  [Exit]

  FORD Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I

  sleep? Master Ford awake, awake, Master Ford! There’s a hole120

  made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married,

  this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets. Well, I will proclaim

  myself what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my

  house. He cannot scape me, ’tis impossible he should. He

  cannot creep into a halfpenny purse125, nor into a pepper-box.

  But, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will

  search impossible places. Though what I am127 I cannot avoid,

  yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I have

  horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I’ll be

  horn-mad130.

  Exit

  Act 4 Scene 1

  running scene 13

  Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly [and] William

  MISTRESS PAGE Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou?

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Sure he is by this2, or will be presently. But

  truly he is very courageous3 mad about his throwing into the

  water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly4.

  MISTRESS PAGE I’ll be with her by and by. I’ll but bring my young

  man here to school. Look where his master comes. ’Tis a

  playing-day7, I see.

  [Enter Evans]

  How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?

  EVANS No, Master Slender is let the boys leave to play9.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing of his heart!

  MISTRESS PAGE Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits

  nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some

  questions in his accidence13.

  EVANS Come hither, William. Hold up your head. Come.

  MISTRESS PAGE Come on, sirrah, hold up your head. Answer

  your master, be not afraid.

  EVANS William, how many numbers is in nouns?

  WILLIAM PAGE Two18.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Truly, I thought there had been one number

  more, because they say, ‘Od’s nouns’20.

  EVANS Peace your tattlings!21 What is ‘fair’, William?

  WILLIAM PAGE Pulcher.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Polecats23? There are fairer things than polecats,

  sure.

  EVANS You are a very simplicity ’oman. I pray you peace.

  What is lapis, William?

  WILLIAM PAGE A stone.

  EVANS And what is ‘a stone’, William?

  WILLIAM PAGE A pebble.

  EVANS No, it is lapis. I pray you, remember in your prain.

  WILLIAM PAGE Lapis.

  EVANS That is a good William. What is he, William, that

  does lend articles33?

  WILLIAM PAGE Articles are borrowed of the pronoun34, and be

  thus declined:

  Singulariter36, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

  EVANS Nominativo, hig, hag, hog, pray you mark: genitivo37,

  huius. Well, what is your accusative case?

  WILLIAM PAGE Accusativo, hinc39—

  Faltering

  EVANS I pray you, have your remembrance, child, accusativo,

  hing, hang, hog41.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY ‘Hang-hog’42 is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.

  EVANS Leave your prabbles, ’oman. What is the focative43

  case44, William?

  WILLIAM PAGE O, — vocativo, O45.

  EVANS Remember, William, focative is caret46.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY And that’s a good root.

  EVANS ’Oman, forbear.

  MISTRESS PAGE Peace!

  EVANS What is your genitive case plural, William?

  WILLIAM PAGE Genitive case?

  EVANS Ay.

  WILLIAM PAGE Genitive: horum, harum53, horum.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY Vengeance of Ginny’s case54, fie on her! Never

  name her, child, if she be a whore.

  EVANS For shame, ’oman.

  MISTRESS QUICKLY You do ill to teach the child such words: he

  teaches him to hick and to hack58, which they’ll do fast enough

  of themselves, and to call ‘horum’ — fie upon you!

  EVANS ’Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no

  understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the

  genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would

  desires.

  MISTRESS PAGE Prithee, hold thy peace.

  To Mistress Quickly

  EVANS Show me now, William, some declensions65 of your

  pronouns.

  WILLIAM PAGE Forsooth, I have forgot.

  EVANS It is qui, quae, quod. If you forget your quies, your

  quaes, and your quods, you must be preeches69. Go your ways,

  and play, go.

  MISTRESS PAGE He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

  EVANS He is a good sprag72 memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

  MISTRESS PAGE Adieu, good Sir Hugh.

  [Exit Evans]

  Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.

  Exeunt

  Act 4 Scene 2

  running scene 14

  Enter Falstaff [and] Mistress Ford

  The basket is brought out

  FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my

  sufferance. I see you are obsequious2 in your love, and I

  profess requital to a hair’s breadth, not only, Mistress Ford,

  in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement4,

  complement and ceremony of it. But are you sure of5 your

  husband now?

  MISTRESS FORD He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.

  MISTRESS PAGE What, ho, gossip8 Ford! What, ho!

  Within

  MISTRESS FORD Step into th’chamber, Sir John.

  [Exit Falstaff]

  [Enter Mistress Page]

  MISTRESS PAGE How now, sweetheart, who’s at home besides

  yourself?

  MISTRESS FORD Why, none but mine own people12.

  MISTRESS PAGE Indeed?

  MISTRESS FORD No, certainly.— Speak louder.

  Whispers to her

  MISTRESS PAGE Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

  MISTRESS FORD Why?

  MISTRESS PAGE Why, woman, your husband is in his old lines17

  again: he so takes on18 yonder with my husband, so rails

  against all married mankind, so curses all Eve’s daughters

  of what complexion20 soever, and so buffets himself on the

  forehead, crying, ‘Peer out21, peer out!’, that any madness I

  ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility and patience

  to23 this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is

  not here.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, does he talk of him?

  MISTRESS PAGE Of none but him, and swears he was carried

  out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket: protests to

  my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the

  rest of their company from their sport to make another

  experiment30 of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not

  here: now he shall see his own foolery.

  MISTRESS FORD How near is he, Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.

  MISTRESS FORD I am undone. The knight is here.

  MISTRESS PAGE Why then you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a

  dead man. What a woman are you? Away with him, away

  with him! Better shame than murder.

  MISTRESS FORD Which way should he go? How should I bestow38

  him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

  [Enter Falstaff]

  FALSTAFF No, I’ll come no more i’th’basket. May I not go out

  ere he come?

  MISTRESS PAGE Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the

  door with pistols, that none shall issue out: otherwise you

  might slip away ere he came. But what make you44 here?

  FALSTAFF What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.

  MISTRESS FORD There they always use to discharge their birding-46

  pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole47.

  FALSTAFF Where is it?

  MISTRESS FORD He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,

  coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract50 for

  the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his

  note: there is no hiding you in the house.

  FALSTAFF I’ll go out then.

  MISTRESS PAGE If you go out in your own semblance54, you die,

  Sir John — unless you go out disguised.

  MISTRESS FORD How might we disguise him?

  MISTRESS PAGE Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman’s

  gown big enough for him: otherwise he might put on a hat, a

  muffler59 and a kerchief, and so escape.

  FALSTAFF Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather

  than a mischief61.

  MISTRESS FORD My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford62,

  has a gown above63.

  MISTRESS PAGE On my word, it will serve him: she’s as big as he

  is — and there’s her thrummed65 hat and her muffler too. Run

  up, Sir John.

  MISTRESS FORD Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will

  look68 some linen for your head.

  MISTRESS PAGE Quick, quick! We’ll come dress you straight69: put

  on the gown the while70.

  [Exit Falstaff]

  MISTRESS FORD I would my husband would meet him in this

  shape72. He cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears

  she’s a witch, forbade her my house and hath threatened to

  beat her.

  MISTRESS PAGE Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and

  the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

  MISTRESS FORD But is my husband coming?

  MISTRESS PAGE Ay, in good sadness78 is he, and talks of the basket

  too, howsoever he hath had intelligence79.

  MISTRESS FORD We’ll try80 that, for I’ll appoint my men to carry

  the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did

  last time.

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, but he’ll be here presently. Let’s go dress

  him like the witch of Brentford.

  MISTRESS FORD I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with

  the basket. Go up, I’ll bring linen for him straight.

  [Exit]

  MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest87 varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.

  We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,

  Wives may be merry, and yet honest89 too.

  We do not act90 that often jest and laugh,

  ’Tis old but true: still swine eat all the draff91.

  [Exit]

  [Enter Mistress Ford with John and Robert]

  MISTRESS FORD Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders.

  Your master is hard at93 door. If he bid you set it down, obey

  him. Quickly, dispatch94.

  [Exit]

  JOHN Come, come, take it up.

  ROBERT Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

  JOHN I hope not, I had as lief97 bear so much

  John and Robert lift the basket

  lead.

  [Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans]

  FORD Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any99

  way then to unfool me again?— Set down the

  basket, villain.

  John and Robert set down the basket

  Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you

  panderly rascals, there’s a knot, a gin103, a pack, a conspiracy

  against me. Now shall the devil be shamed104. What, wife, I say!

  Come, come forth. Behold what honest clothes you send

  forth to bleaching.

  PAGE Why, this passes107, Master Ford. You are not to go

  loose any longer, you must be pinioned108.

  EVANS Why, this is lunatics, this is mad as a mad dog!

  SHALLOW Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well indeed.

  FORD So say I too, sir.

  [Enter Mistress Ford]

  Come hither, Mistress Ford — Mistress Ford the honest

  woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath

  the jealous fool to her husband. I suspect without cause,

  mistress, do I?

  MISTRESS FORD Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me

  in any dishonesty.

  FORD Well said, brazen-face, hold it out118! Come forth,

  sirrah!

  Pulls clothes out of the basket

  PAGE This passes.

  MISTRESS FORD Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.

  FORD I shall find you anon.

  EVANS ’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s

  clothes? Come away.

  FORD Empty the basket, I say!

  To John and Robert

  PAGE Why, man, why?

  FORD Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed

  out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be

  there again? In my house I am sure he is. My intelligence is

  true, my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me

  To John and Robert

  out all the linen.

  MISTRESS FORD If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s132

  death.

  John and Robert empty the basket

  PAGE Here’s no man.

  SHALLOW By my fidelity135, this is not well, Master Ford. This

  wrongs you.

  EVANS Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the

  imaginations of your own heart. This is jealousies.

  FORD Well, he’s not here I seek for.

  PAGE No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

  FORD Help to search my house this one time. If I find not

  what I seek, show no colour for my extremity142, let me forever

  be your table-sport143. Let them say of me, ‘As jealous as Ford,

  that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman144.’ Satisfy

  me once more, once more search

  with me.

  John and Robert refill the basket and exeunt with it

  MISTRESS FORD What, ho, Mistress Page, come you and the old

  woman down. My husband will come into the chamber.

  FORD Old woman? What old woman’s that?

  MISTRESS FORD Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford.

  FORD A witch, a quean, an old cozening151 quean! Have I not

  forbid her my house? She comes of152 errands, does she? We are

  simple men, we do not know what’s brought to pass under153

  the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by

  spells, by th’figure, and such daubery155 as this is, beyond our

  element156. We know nothing. Come down, you

  Takes a cudgel

  witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say!

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, good sweet husband.— Good gentlemen,

  let him not strike the old woman.

  [Enter Mistress Page leading Falstaff in woman’s clothes]

  MISTRESS PAGE Come, Mother Prat160, come, give me your hand.

  FORD I’ll prat161 her. Out of my door, you witch,

  Beats Falstaff

  you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you runnion162! Out, out! I’ll

  conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.

  [Exit Falstaff]

  MISTRESS PAGE Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed

  the poor woman.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you166.

  FORD Hang her, witch!

  EVANS By yea and no168, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed. I

  like not when a ’oman has a great peard. I spy a great peard

  under his muffler.

  FORD Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow.

  See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out thus upon no172

  trail, never trust me when I open173 again.

  PAGE Let’s obey his humour174 a little further. Come,

  gentlemen.

  [Exeunt Ford, Page, Shallow, Caius and Evans]

  MISTRESS PAGE Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, by th’mass, that he did not: he beat him

  most unpitifully, methought.

  MISTRESS PAGE I’ll have the cudgel hallowed179 and hung o’er the

  altar. It hath done meritorious180 service.

  MISTRESS FORD What think you? May we, with the warrant181 of

  womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue

  him with any further revenge?

  MISTRESS PAGE The spirit of wantonness184 is, sure, scared out of

  him. If the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and185

  recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste186, attempt