‘Oh. Yeah.’ I cleared my throat too, because it seemed to be the done thing, and wondered why he wasn’t meeting my eyes. ‘That’d be great, yeah. I’m Ned, by the way.’

  ‘I know.’ He made a small nod as he started his broom once more. ‘I saw you in class today. I’m Shane.’

  ‘Shane. Hi. Nice to meet you.’

  ‘You em … you can move around to a more comfortable position if you want. It’s a wizard broom, so you’ll be safe in my gravity field.’

  ‘Oh. Oh, yeah. Of course.’ My cheeks were flaming just like his were, and I moved behind him in an action which involved skirting even closer to his body than ever. When I was finally behind him, facing his back, I placed my hands behind me on the shaft.

  As we flew on in search of my broom, the fog cleared, but I didn’t gaze at the city below, or the trees in the parks, or the lights coming on in people’s homes. I was too busy talking with Shane and feeling alive.

  ≈

  I sat there, slumped on the floor of my dad’s workroom, as memory after memory pummelled me. That first day with Shane, when we collided in the air. Spending the rest of the evening finding my broom, going for cocoa. Sitting by a blazing fire in the Plain Old Cauldron and talking, talking, talking …

  The next day, seeing him at Wentforth’s, my heart racing at the sight. Going for lunch and talking, talking, talking …

  Learning everything about each other in only a few days. Looking at the way his eyes lit up when we spoke. Looking at his lips and wishing …

  My heart racing, my skin growing clammy, when he finally asked me on a date …

  Emotions mixed with the memories: loss, regret, anger. Angelica had taken this from me. This new, bright thing. This almost-something, which had felt, back then, like everything.

  As tears spilled down my cheeks, Cleo brushed up against me, purring, reminding me that I was here, with her, in the present, and not in the past with Shane.

  I snuggled closer to the cat, trying to focus on her smell and her presence. The loss of Shane had happened ten years ago, but it felt raw and new, and almost too much to bear.

  ‘Should we send Angelica a thank you present?’ Cleo suggested. ‘You know, for finally giving you your memories back? I was thinking of something really, really special. Like maybe a poisoned cake.’

  ≈

  Later that night, I sat on the couch with a glass of wine and an enormous bar of chocolate. My phone sat on the armrest beside me. I wanted to call Shane, to tell him that I remembered everything. But what then? Ten years was a long time. Sure, it had seemed like he probably still felt something when he was here last night, but maybe I misread the situation.

  And even if I hadn’t, it was too soon after my break-up with Jay, and Shane’s recent break-up too. No one could be sure of their feelings at a time like this.

  But I’d been sure back then. Ten years ago, my feelings for Shane seemed like the biggest, brightest thing in my world.

  I was dangerously close to ignoring good sense and dialling his number, when I heard the door opening down below, followed by someone bounding up the stairs.

  ‘Only me, Ned!’ Hamish called out.

  I rushed to the door of the flat, opening it wide as he reached the landing. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘Everything’s great,’ he said. ‘Although I do wish you would have called me. I had to hear all about Alison’s little visit from Shane.’

  ‘Oh. Sorry. It was late. I didn’t want to bother you.’

  ‘Oh, you great big numpty!’ He pulled me into an almighty hug. ‘What are friends for if not to call when you’ve narrowly escaped a murder attempt?’ I let myself sink into the hug for a while, until he spoke again. ‘Anyway, it’s karaoke night, Ned, and you and me have a date.’

  I pulled away from the hug and grinned. ‘Is Eva coming?’

  ‘She said she might join us later. After the karaoke part is over. I’m thinking that she doesn’t like my singing voice much. Her loss.’

  ‘My gain.’ I glanced into the room at Cleo. ‘You wanna come?’

  She snorted. ‘I’m with Eva on this one. You two caterwauling together is not my idea of a good time. I’ll see you later, when you stumble home just in time for your night job.’

  ‘Your loss,’ I said, as I grabbed my jacket and pulled the door closed behind me.

  Outside, a small gang of teenagers were kicking cabbages again, and many people were out for their evening strolls, pausing here and there to admire the Jack O’Lanterns.

  I gave mine a quick check before heading to the Bank, refreshing the Solas spells inside, making the pumpkins and turnips glow brighter, their ghastly carved faces coming into sharper focus along with the glow.

  Hamish watched me with a gloomy expression on his face.

  ‘What is it?’ I demanded. ‘What are you not telling me?’

  He sighed. ‘I just wanted you to have a fun night, Ned. But I suppose you’ll hear it at the Bank in a minute anyway. The thing is … Turnip Tom passed away just a wee while ago. A heart attack.’

  ‘Oh.’ I looked despondently at the turnip I’d been holding as I placed it back down on its perch by the door. ‘That’s so sad.’

  ‘It is,’ Hamish agreed. ‘But I thought we should wait until tomorrow before we go and see Pauline. She’ll be inundated with visitors right now, don’t you think?’

  He was right, and I knew he was. Pauline would have her closest friends and family to comfort her tonight. For now, Hamish and I ought to do just as he said, and go and have fun – or try to, anyway.

  As we walked along the path, autumn leaves swirled around me, and I pulled my jacket closer. I glanced at the canal; although I couldn’t see Professor Sweeney over there, staring at me, I remained uneasy.

  Even though Alison had confessed to being the Spellcaster, nothing felt resolved. Something was wrong in this enclave, and whatever it was, it was connected to me. It had to be, because I could still smell my impending death upon the air.

  But tonight, with Hamish by my side, I was going to sing badly, and drink, and enjoy being alive.

  ≈

  You’ve reached the end of Dead Like Ned. I hope you enjoyed this read. If so, join my mailing list to keep up with the very latest releases: http://www.subscribepage.com/z4n0f4

  Or visit: https://aaalbright.com and sign up there.

  A Grave Situation, the second part of the Infernal Artefacts Trilogy, is available to pre-order on Amazon now.

  And if you’d like to find out a little more about the inhabitants of Ned’s world, turn or swipe the page to find An Extract From the Compendium of Supernatural Beings.

  Extract from the Compendium of Supernatural Beings

  Edition 5005.

  Year of Publication: the Year of the Boomerang (otherwise known as 2021 AD).

  Chronicler: Adeline A. Albright (Senior Chronicler and Librarian, Crooked College, Warren Lane, Dublin 2).

  Major Supernatural Beings

  Witches:

  Had you read this compendium even as recently as three years ago, I would have begun by writing the following:

  Witches, both male and female, are considered the most magical of supernatural beings.

  But you are not reading it three years ago. You are reading it in the Year of the Boomerang, when it is no longer a capital offence for this chronicler to tell the truth about witches. And the truth is that, although we are the most powerful beings within the enclaves which are governed by ourselves, we cannot be said to be the most magical of all supernatural beings.

  Among those known as outsiders, there are beings more powerful than us, not least the sióga (the Irish faeries) and the Púca (shapeshifters who live within the sióga realm).

  With that said, let us return to defining the witch. A witch’s power is innate and (almost always) inherited. It would not be possible to list all witch abilities in this compendium. However, many witches choose to specialize in one particular area. In the Year of the Rat (2020 AD), Materialization was the most popular subject at Crooked College for the fifth year in a row. The Society for Senior Witches stated that this was ‘yet more proof that silly young witches have not only succeeded in bringing about Hell on Earth, but are now grilling burgers on the flames.’

  Most witches belong to covens. Whilst each family may legally form a coven of its own, it is more usual for the smaller, newer witch families to join the covens of the larger, more established families.

  Due to increasing pressure from other supernatural factions in recent years, witches have recently made their enclaves accessible to all other supernaturals. Whilst all supernatural enclaves (sub-dimensional regions) have always been accessible to witches, until recently the witches have kept their own enclaves closed to all but a privileged few.

  During the Winter Solstice of the Year of the Lotus, Agatha Wayfair, the now deceased Acting Minister for Magical Law, issued updated versions of the Pendant of Privilege to all Irish supernaturals. The old (and some would say ugly) jewellery was redesigned, and there is now a choice of rings, necklaces and other jewellery which will grant the wearer access to the witch enclaves.

  Warlocks:

  The warlock movement has been around for centuries. It began in the Year of the Snout (2001 BC), when a small group of male witches formed the Warlock Society. Their original manifesto has been lost to the ages, but it is widely accepted that their modern manifesto is representative of the society’s early beliefs: that men are unfairly represented within the matriarchal structure of witch society, and recognition of their unique male capabilities is important to society as a whole.

  Warlocks are (genetically speaking) witches. They’d just rather not be reminded of that fact.

  Wizards:

  (Note: This edition of the Compendium is only the fifth to include wizards in the Major Supernatural Beings section. To find references to wizards in compendia prior to the Year of the Lotus, the chronicler suggests you begin looking under the section labelled: Others)

  Wizards can be male, female, or anything else they like. They are also known as mages, shamans and wiccans, and are often overlooked. This is due to the fact that wizards are almost always of human origin. Their power is neither innate, nor inherited. A wizard’s power is hard won and, because of that, deserves the utmost respect.

  In February of the Year of the Woodpecker (2018 AD), wizards were finally granted equal rights, and they now have access to all major magical enclaves, tomes and educational facilities. Considering how far their power advanced without these privileges, this chronicler predicts an interesting future for wizards. Already, wizards are expert at harnessing and directing the elements, and utilising OUPs (objects of unusual power), OAPs (objects of awesome power), AUPs (areas of unusual power) and AAPs (areas of awesome power). With their new legal rights, they are sure to progress further.

  Wizards traditionally reside in the human enclaves, most often working in science and technology – though a small few run candle stores, yoga studios, holistic centres and the like. In recent years, witches have – somewhat – relaxed their attitude to wizards. They have been free to work in witch enclaves for a number of years, but now they are also free to reside there. As yet, very few wizards have made the move, preferring to remain in the enclaves that have always been open to others.

  As of December in the Year of the Lotus, there were more wizards working in the magical devices sector than there were witches, and this trend has only continued upward since then. Sales of wizard-made brooms have now far surpassed those of witch-made brooms.

  Mages: See entry for Wizards

  Shamans: See entry for Wizards

  Wiccans: See entry for Wizards

  Werewolves:

  Werewolves are an example to us all that, with the right attitude, you can make a curse work for you. There are many conflicting chronicles of how, when and why these beings were hexed. Werewolves themselves have a long-standing policy of neither confirming nor denying any single chronicle.

  What we do know is this: during the full moon (and including the day preceding and the day following said moon) all werewolves transform from their humanoid body, becoming wolves for three consecutive nights. Over the course of these three nights, the change begins at sunset and ends at sunrise. Because of this, the transformation tends not to affect werewolves in their daily lives.

  The werewolf curse can be passed on via a simple bite or scratch to any part of the body. The curse has many upsides: unusual strength, longevity (some werewolves have been known to live as long as vampires) and good looks. Rigorous testing has proved that even the ugliest human or witch, when transformed into a werewolf, instantly becomes more attractive.

  The lure of werewolf-hood is irresistible to many witches. The well-known actress Veronica Berry has been turned by her werewolf husband, lead guitarist with the Call of the Wild. In a statement to Young Witch Weekly, Veronica said, ‘I was warned that I could lose quite a large chunk of my power, but that didn’t happen. I’m just as powerful as ever – except now I get to frolic with my gorgeous lover during the full moon.’

  Before she turned, there was much speculation that Veronica – already considered an incredibly beautiful witch – would become the best-looking witch in history. Opinions are mixed on whether Veronica has achieved that aim.

  Vampires:

  Like the werewolf curse, there are many conflicting chronicles of the origins of vampirism. Many vampires have submitted themselves for testing, and recent findings confirm that vampirism is, indeed, a blood-borne virus – albeit a virus with extremely unusual behaviour. The blood of a vampire is both a poison and an antidote.

  Often a human will resist a vampire bite. This is, frankly, the most foolish thing they could do. A willing bitee (as the vampires refer to them) will be drained by only a minor amount. Full penetration of the vein will do no damage whatsoever, and may even give the bitee a burst of energy equal to a strong cup of coffee or a shot of ginseng. After the bite, the vampire will perform a simple act of hypnotism, thus striking the event from the bitee’s memory and leaving them with nothing but a spring in their step.

  If the human resists and manages to escape before full penetration, a vampire bite can leave the victim feeling weak for days. Often, humans will complain of flu-like symptoms.

  The process of becoming a vampire is a little more complicated than becoming a werewolf: in order to turn, you must drink a vampire’s blood before sunset on the day following the original bite. It is always preferable to drink from the vampire who administered the bite. Drinking from a different vampire can result in many complications (further details of which can be found in the Compendium of Supernatural Ailments). In recent years, the virus known as Dayturning was thought to be caused by such turnings. New evidence, however, suggests that either the original assessment was wrong, or the virus is mutating. For further information, see Dayturner entry.

  Benefits of the vampire virus are numerous. They include: increased strength; near-perfect health (a small number of humans and witches with terminal illnesses resort to vampirism in order to cure their illness. In the majority of cases, the vampire virus does, indeed, provide a cure); ability to transform into a bat; ability to transform into a nearly-invisible vapour; ability to hypnotise; telepathy (the telepathic link can generally be established from vampire to vampire only, however there are some vampires who can read the minds of all creatures); long lifespan.

  Problems associated with the vampire virus include: blood-drinking as the main source of nutrition (a small subset of vampires who were vegetarian in their previous life have set up the No Food with a Face Foundation. They are currently researching many alternatives to blood. Promising results have been seen with a vitamin popular in the human world, known as B12); sensitivity to daylight (although the hat and sunglasses sector is quite happy about this); long lifespan.

  Dayturners:

  (Note: in compendia published prior to the Year of the Lotus, dayturners were listed in the Others section)

  Dayturners are vampires who feel the need to feed by daylight, and are incredibly sensitive to the dark. Feeding at night leaves them with serious indigestion (often resulting in hospitalisation). Additionally, venturing outside after sunset results in a rapidly spreading rash.

  In the Year of the Boomerang, I am glad to say, dayturners are once again considered rare. However, until very recently this virus was rampant. In the Year of the Lotus alone, three hundred new dayturners were registered.

  A cure was discovered a short time ago, and thus far it seems to be working magnificently. However, precautions must still be taken. It is advised that great care be taken during the turning process. When becoming a vampire, one must complete the process by drinking only from the vampire who has administered the original bite. Other precautions include: avoiding being bitten by a dayturner, and making sure to verify the origin of any blood that you may drink.

  Weredogs:

  (Note: in compendia published prior to the Year of the Lotus, weredogs were listed in the Others section)

  Like werewolves, the shifting of a human into a dog is controlled by the full moon, but instead of transforming into a supernatural version of Canis Lupus Lupus, they transform into any of the many breeds of Canis Lupus Familiaris. There is little known about the origin of the species. In the Year of the Cat (2010 AD), outspoken vampire politician Mildred Valentine claimed to have been sent evidence that the weredogs are descendants of werewolves, having come about as the result of long-ago trysts between werewolves and Canis Lupus Familiaris. Both werewolves and weredogs hotly deny this. However, neither side will agree to DNA testing. As for the evidence Mildred Valentine allegedly received? She has refused to produce it, stating that doing so would endanger her source.