That say thou art a man: Diana's lip

  Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe

  Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,

  And all is semblative a woman's part.

  I know thy constellation is right apt

  For this affair. Some four or five attend him;

  All, if you will; for I myself am best

  When least in company. Prosper well in this,

  And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,

  To call his fortunes thine.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I'll do my best

  To woo your lady:

  Aside

  yet, a barful strife!

  Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.

  Exeunt

  Scene V. Olivia's House.

  Enter MARIA and Clown

  MARIA

  Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will

  not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in

  way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

  * * *

  Clown

  Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this

  world needs to fear no colours.

  * * *

  MARIA

  Make that good.

  * * *

  Clown

  He shall see none to fear.

  * * *

  MARIA

  A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that

  saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

  * * *

  Clown

  Where, good Mistress Mary?

  * * *

  MARIA

  In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

  * * *

  Clown

  Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those

  that are fools, let them use their talents.

  * * *

  MARIA

  Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,

  to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

  * * *

  Clown

  Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,

  for turning away, let summer bear it out.

  * * *

  MARIA

  You are resolute, then?

  * * *

  Clown

  Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

  * * *

  MARIA

  That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both

  break, your gaskins fall.

  * * *

  Clown

  Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if

  Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a

  piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

  * * *

  MARIA

  Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my

  lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

  * * *

  Exit

  * * *

  Clown

  Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!

  Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft

  prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may

  pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?

  'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

  Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO

  God bless thee, lady!

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Take the fool away.

  * * *

  Clown

  Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:

  besides, you grow dishonest.

  * * *

  Clown

  Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel

  will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is

  the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend

  himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if

  he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing

  that's mended is but patched: virtue that

  transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that

  amends is but patched with virtue. If that this

  simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,

  what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but

  calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take

  away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Sir, I bade them take away you.

  * * *

  Clown

  Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non

  facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not

  motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to

  prove you a fool.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Can you do it?

  * * *

  Clown

  Dexterously, good madonna.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Make your proof.

  * * *

  Clown

  I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse

  of virtue, answer me.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

  * * *

  Clown

  Good madonna, why mournest thou?

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Good fool, for my brother's death.

  * * *

  Clown

  I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

  * * *

  Clown

  The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's

  soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:

  infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the

  better fool.

  * * *

  Clown

  God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the

  better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be

  sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his

  word for two pence that you are no fool.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  How say you to that, Malvolio?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a

  barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day

  with an ordinary fool that has no more brain

  than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard

  already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to

  him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,

  that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better

  than the fools' zanies.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste

  with a distempered appetite. To be generous,

  guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those

  things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:

  there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do

  nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet

  man, though he do nothing but reprove.

  * * *

  Clown

  Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou

  speakest well of fools!

  Re-enter MARIA

  * * *

  MARIA

  Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much

  desires to speak with you.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  From the Count Orsino, is it?

  * * *

  MARIA

  I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Who of my people hold him in delay?

  * * *

  MARIA

  Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but

  madman: fie on him!

  Exit MARIA

  Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I

  am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

  Exit MALVOLIO

  Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and

  people dislike it.

  * * *

  Clown

  Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest

  son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with

  brains! for,—here he comes,—one of thy kin has a

  most weak pia mater.

  Enter SIR TOBY BELCH

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  A gentleman.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  A gentleman! what gentleman?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  'Tis a gentle man here—a plague o' these

  pickle-herring! How now, sot!

  * * *

  Clown

  Good Sir Toby!

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Ay, marry, what is he?

  * * *

  SIR TOBY BELCH

  Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give

  me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

  Exit

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  What's a drunken man like, fool?

  * * *

  Clown

  Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one

  draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads

  him; and a third drowns him.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my

  coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's

  drowned: go, look after him.

  * * *

  Clown

  He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look

  to the madman.

  Exit

  Re-enter MALVOLIO

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with

  you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to

  understand so much, and therefore comes to speak

  with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to

  have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore

  comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,

  lady? he's fortified against any denial.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Tell him he shall not speak with me.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your

  door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to

  a bench, but he'll speak with you.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  What kind o' man is he?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Why, of mankind.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  What manner of man?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Of what personage and years is he?

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for

  a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a

  cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him

  in standing water, between boy and man. He is very

  well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one

  would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

  * * *

  MALVOLIO

  Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

  Exit

  Re-enter MARIA

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.

  We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

  Enter VIOLA, and Attendants

  * * *

  VIOLA

  The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Speak to me; I shall answer for her.

  Your will?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,—I

  pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,

  for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away

  my speech, for besides that it is excellently well

  penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good

  beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very

  comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Whence came you, sir?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  I can say little more than I have studied, and that

  question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me

  modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,

  that I may proceed in my speech.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Are you a comedian?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs

  of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you

  the lady of the house?

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  If I do not usurp myself, I am.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp

  yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours

  to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will

  on with my speech in your praise, and then show you

  the heart of my message.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,

  keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,

  and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you

  than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if

  you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of

  moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

  * * *

  MARIA

  Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little

  longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet

  lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when

  the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

  * * *

  VIOLA

  It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of

  war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my

  hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?

  * * *

  VIOLA

  The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I

  learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I

  would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,

  divinity, to any other's, profanation.

  * * *

  OLIVIA

  Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

  Exeunt MARIA and Attendants

  Now, sir, what is your text?

  * * *

  VIOLA