Jude wouldn’t have liked all the black either. He’d liked to laugh, and he’d looked for the brightness in life. I chose a green dress that matched my eyes. Because he’d said my eyes were pretty.

  Uncle Boone, Aunt Coralee, Brady, and I all rode together to the graveside ceremony. Most funerals in the South were held in churches or funeral homes before they took the casket to the grave. But West said his dad hadn’t wanted a long ceremony for people to mourn. He wanted it quick. Easy. Nothing fancy.

  We parked along the street like everyone else and then made our way to the large white tent where people were beginning to gather. I searched for West until our eyes met. He was standing by his mother, watching me walk toward him. Today would be the day it would finally become real to him.

  My mother’s funeral hadn’t been when it had sunk in for me, simply because I hadn’t been well then. My mind had been refusing to accept what I had witnessed. But I knew seeing his father lowered into the ground would hit West hard. And I would be there if he needed me.

  West motioned for me to come stand beside him. I didn’t glance back at my aunt and uncle to make sure it was okay. I knew they’d understand. I walked past the rows of people until I was close enough for West to take my hand in his. The firm grip told me he wasn’t okay.

  “I like your dress,” he said, leaning down to whisper near my ear. “It matches your eyes.”

  I glanced up at him. “Your dad liked my eyes. He said they were pretty.”

  A sad smile touched his lips. “Yeah, he did. He’d like that dress, too.”

  Others arrived and came to say their condolences to West and his mother. Through it all he never let go of my hand. When the minister began speaking, West’s mother sank into the chair placed behind her and sobbed quietly.

  I could feel West tremble beside me when it was time for him to lay the rose on his father’s casket. I eased my hand out of his and waited as he walked forward and put the red rose down. “You’ll always be my hero,” he said, loud enough that I could hear him, as he stared at the casket.

  When he turned and walked back to me, I could see the tense expression on his face. He was holding back the emotion I knew was strangling him while trying to stay strong for his mother.

  His hand was back in mine the moment he was beside me.

  I didn’t hear much that was said after that. I was too focused on West and the rigid way he was standing. It was as if he’d turned to stone. His grip on my hand was like he was holding on to me for fear I’d run off.

  I was okay with that. I didn’t intend to leave him.

  As the casket began to lower into the grave, West inhaled sharply, and his mother stood up and grabbed on to his arm, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around his momma and held her against him.

  Slowly, people began to leave. Some came by and patted West on the back and said something to his mother, but it was all very quiet. Brady, Asa, Nash, Gunner, and Ryker all walked up and stood behind West. Each one squeezed his shoulder and said things like, “I’m here if you need me, man,” and “Love you, bro,” and “You need me, call me.”

  West nodded and acknowledged all of them. Each one also stopped and hugged Olivia, which only made her cry more. Once they were done, they all slowly walked away. I didn’t know what West wanted me to do, but I knew my aunt and uncle were waiting on me.

  I looked up at him. “I’ll stay if you need me.”

  He glanced over at his mother, then back at me. “Can you get out tonight?”

  I could do whatever he wanted me to do. I nodded.

  “I’ll be at the bottom of the ladder at eleven.”

  “I’ll meet you there.”

  There was a knock on my bedroom door around ten that night. I knew my aunt and uncle were already in bed, so the only person it could be was Brady. I had stayed up here the rest of the day and tried to read. But my mind had been on West and his mother. If he needed me and called, I wanted to be alone so I could answer him.

  Opening the door to Brady, I stared up at him curiously. He never came to my room. He barely even tried talking to me anymore. I couldn’t blame him. It was hard to talk to someone who didn’t talk back.

  “Can I come in?” he asked.

  I nodded, stepping back so he could come in. Again, something he never did. I knew this was about West. I imagined Brady had been worrying about him today too. It was hard not to after the last few days.

  Brady walked in, his hands tucked into his front pockets, looking unsure of what to do or say.

  “Mom and Dad are asleep, but sound travels down that hall. Could you close the door?” he asked.

  I did as he asked.

  “I saw you talk to him today. I thought I saw it before, but I definitely know I saw it today.”

  I had expected this, eventually. Although I had tried not talking to him where people could see, there were times like today when I hadn’t worried about anything other than comforting West.

  I didn’t reply. What did he want me to say? Did he expect me to admit it and talk to him? Because that would change everything. Tomorrow I’d have to face a life where people expected me to talk. They’d invade my privacy and want to know things I didn’t want to tell them.

  Not talking was my security blanket. I wasn’t ready to let it go.

  “I didn’t see it once, Maggie. I saw it several times. And I’ve seen it at school. You don’t always move your mouth, but West is listening to you. I can tell by his expression.” Brady sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not here to demand that you talk to me. Or anyone. I’m just . . . I’m confused. If you can talk, why wouldn’t you talk to everyone? Why just West?”

  He was asking questions. Questions he wanted me to answer with my voice. But I wouldn’t talk, not tonight. I walked over to get the note pad on my window seat. I wrote:

  He needs me. I understand him and his pain.

  Then I handed the pad to Brady.

  He read it then lifted his eyes back to me. “So, this is your connection. This is why he’s with you all the time and he’s all of the sudden holding your hand and acting like he needs you to breathe. He wasn’t lying about you just being friends. You’re helping him deal with all . . . this.”

  I nodded.

  Brady looked relieved. He held the note pad out for me. “I get it. But one day you’ll need to focus on helping you. Hiding from the world this way isn’t healthy. You’re not healing. You’re avoiding.”

  No, I was protecting myself. I didn’t write that down, though. I just stood and waited for him to leave or say something else.

  My phone dinged, and I reached into my pocket for it.

  I’m outside. Waiting on you at the bottom of the ladder.

  He was here. I glanced at the window then back at Brady.

  “He’s out there, isn’t he?” Brady said, following my gaze to the window.

  I could lie, but I trusted Brady. He loved West too.

  So I nodded.

  He gave me a sad smile. “Be careful, Maggie.”

  He had said that before. Many times. I had told myself that too. But it no longer seemed to matter. I was past the point of being careful where West was concerned, and I didn’t know how to fix that. Or if I even wanted to.

  I waited until he’d left my room then closed the door behind him and hurried to the window to climb out.

  It Was Selfish, But I Did It Anyway

  CHAPTER 32

  WEST

  The reality of my father’s death had exploded in my chest the moment they lowered him into the ground. In that moment it became real. Maggie had been right. It wasn’t a pain you could describe and nothing could ease it.

  Momma cried all afternoon as I held her. Finally I got her to take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I had been strong for her as long as I could. I had to break down too. But selfishly, I wanted Maggie with me when I did. If she were there, I wouldn’t lose myself to the pain. She’d keep me from falling.

  Staring up at her window, I watched as she opened it and climbed out. Today she hadn’t asked me stupid stuff like “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do?” She was just there. Silently giving me strength.

  When she started coming down the ladder, I put my hands on either side to steady it and stood beneath her in case she fell.

  I didn’t need to talk. I just wanted her to go with me and be there as I sat in silence. Maggie would do that. It was one of the reasons she was so damn special.

  “Let’s go,” I whispered when she was at the bottom, and then I led her back to the truck.

  Maggie didn’t slide over beside me when she got in. I wanted her to, but I didn’t push it. She did it before because she’d wanted to. Our friendship line was getting blurred, and I knew it. I just wasn’t sure how to stop it. And tonight I didn’t want to stop it.

  We drove without music or talking until we got to the bluff. I cut the engine and lights and just sat there. The lights from the town reminded me of Dad. The sharp pain hit me as I thought about the fact that he would never come up here again, would never sit in my truck and laugh at my driving again. He’d never . . . He’d never see me graduate. He wouldn’t be there when I got married. He wouldn’t be my kids’ grandfather.

  My throat tightened, and I punched the steering wheel several times, trying to release some of my pain. He was gone. Forever. I’d never see my dad again.

  Maggie was beside me, and her small hand covered one of mine. There was nothing to say. If her father were put on death row, she’d go through another version of this. At least now he was in prison. She knew he was breathing. He was there, even if she didn’t want to see him again.

  “Do you have days when all you think about are the things she’ll never see in your life?” I asked her.

  “Yeah. All the time,” she replied.

  She was living this hell too. I chanted that over and over to myself, proving I wasn’t the only one. I began to relax enough to let go of the intense grip I had on the steering wheel.

  In that moment I made a decision. I didn’t care about the line. I didn’t care about protecting our friendship. I just needed Maggie. I needed to feel her and forget all of this. I knew I was being selfish, but I had to do it anyway.

  Turning, I slid a hand into her hair and covered her mouth with mine. I gave her a moment to decide. If she didn’t want this, she’d push me away.

  But she didn’t. I’d known deep down, she wouldn’t. I knew she felt this between us too.

  With each brush of her hand on my skin, I grew desperate. I wanted more of her. So when she leaned closer to me, I placed my hands on her hips and moved us both over to the passenger side. My thumbs grazed her bare skin as her arms wrapped around my neck and the shirt she was wearing lifted an inch.

  Maggie shivered in my arms, causing my heart to pump even faster. She liked this as much as I did. The look in her eyes said everything I was feeling.

  “Lift your arms, Maggie,” I instructed, not asking.

  Without hesitation, she lifted her arms and let me take her shirt off. The delicate creamy skin of her shoulders made her look like an angel.

  She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply when I slid the straps down her arms then pulled the bra away from her. “You’re beautiful,” I said breathlessly.

  Leaning closer, I pressed a kiss to her neck, and she swallowed hard. Her hands came up to grip my shoulders as if she needed to hold on. I liked that. No, I fucking loved that. I wanted her to hold on to me. To trust me.

  With great control, I slowly kissed a path downward. She was watching me, her mouth slightly open. I’d never felt this close to anyone before.

  “West,” Maggie whispered my name as her hands gripped my arms tightly.

  This was going to be my undoing. This girl. She was going to claim me.

  Trust Me?

  CHAPTER 33

  MAGGIE

  He was hurting. I had to remember that. He was lost and hurting and seeking comfort. I should stop him. I shouldn’t let him do something he’d regret tomorrow.

  But I couldn’t.

  He looked at me like he wanted me desperately. Like he wanted this desperately. Like I was beautiful.

  I cracked a little more.

  I’d never felt like this; my body hadn’t known it could feel like this. And I was enjoying this too much to make him stop.

  “West,” I managed to get out. But I quickly forgot why I’d even said his name as his kisses moved lower.

  My head was spinning. I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Or maybe I was getting too much. I didn’t know. I just wanted more of him. Of this.

  His hand settled firmly on my back, pressing my bare chest against his as his mouth covered mine again. “You feel so damn good,” he whispered as he nibbled and licked at my lips. I agreed, he felt just as good.

  I got so lost in his embrace, at first I didn’t notice that his fingertips were grazing the inner waistband of my shorts.

  I wanted to believe he wanted me. But I feared he just needed anyone right now. If it were Raleigh here, would he want her? Was this just a distraction and I was simply the available girl?

  I felt a pain in my chest at the thought. I didn’t want to be just a distraction. He meant too much to me for that to be all I was to him. But how did I tell him no when he was hurting so much?

  “West,” I choked out, and he froze. That got his attention fast.

  He dropped his head to my shoulder and breathed deeply. He didn’t move his hand. “No one has made me feel the way you do, Maggie.”

  I didn’t have anyone to compare this to, but I doubted anyone would ever make me feel the way West did.

  He continued in a hoarse whisper, “Being with you . . . having you . . . I dream about it. It’s something I can’t explain and I can’t lose, either.”

  That was it. What I needed to hear.

  “Okay,” I replied, knowing I’d never regret this with him.

  He lifted his head, and those blue eyes flared with heat. I was trembling even before his hand slid down farther.

  “Trust me?” His voice was thick and raspy.

  I just nodded. I couldn’t speak.

  My heart was pounding so loudly, I could hear it. My body was on fire, about to shatter into a beautiful oblivion.

  I’d said I’d be whatever he needed. I’d do whatever he needed me to do.

  I knew now I had been so very right.

  He slowly lifted his head and gazed down at me. “I need you. No, I want you. Just you. I don’t need or want anything else.” When he opened his eyes, they were glassy, and I could see the emotion he was holding back.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked.

  “I need you too much. I want you so much. You’re just . . . I just . . . You’re the only thing that makes the pain go away, Maggie.”

  He was trying to survive. I was giving him a reason to survive. He was taking from me. But I wanted to give myself to him.

  I ran my hands over his hair and tried to comfort him. I knew he wasn’t ready to hear me tell him I loved him. I wasn’t sure he’d ever want to hear that. But I had to tell him a small portion of the truth.

  “I want this. I want you like this. Don’t apologize. What you’re taking, I am giving you willingly.”

  He didn’t reply at first. When he finally lifted his head, I saw the heat in his eyes as he looked at me. “I want more. More than I deserve.”

  I couldn’t imagine that, years from now, I’d looked back on this night and regret it. Even if this were it for us, I’d have been completely connected with West. It may have been a way to help him with his pain, but it also helped me with mine. Watching him lose his father brought back so much heartache and loss for me. The moments we had just shared made me feel alive. More alive than I’d felt in a very long time.

  “I want more too,” I replied.

  My heart started to flutter at the idea, and West’s sharp intake of breath told me he understood exactly what I was telling him.

  “I don’t want to be a regret for you. Ever,” he said, looking torn.

  “And I don’t want to be a regret for you. Ever,” I repeated back to him. I wanted him to cherish this memory just like I would. I wanted to be more to him. Something he’d never forget.

  “Nothing about any moment I’ve spent with you will ever be a regret.” The fierceness on his face made me shiver. I felt special. He made me feel that way.

  Just. To. Me.

  CHAPTER 34

  WEST

  Nothing in life had prepared me for this. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my body.

  I shed the rest of my clothes after taking a condom out of my pocket. I was so nervous, my hands shook as I put it on.

  As I lowered my body over hers, my chest tightened. Finally those eyes I’d come to dream about lifted to meet mine. There was a quiet confidence there. A trust I would cherish. One I couldn’t lose.

  With careful ease, I entered her, and she held on to me through it all. Never taking her eyes off mine.

  Later, when she curled up against me in the truck and I held her while I looked out at the lights of Lawton below us, I let the first tear fall.

  For all that I had lost.

  For all that I had found.

  For all I couldn’t lose now but feared I would.

  The next day I returned to school. My mother’s mom would be arriving today, and I didn’t want to be there. Why mother had called her and asked her to come, I didn’t know. She’d never been around us much before.

  Of course I also wanted to see Maggie.

  Taking her home last night, I’d been so scared of losing her that I’d been dead silent. Too silent. Rather than my own thoughts, my concern should have been Maggie. I would fix that today.

  The one thing I didn’t want to face was people telling me they were sorry to hear about my dad. I didn’t want to think about it. I also didn’t want them looking at me with pity. So I ignored everyone as I walked through the doors and headed straight for my locker.