Instead, I focused on the fact that the Governor was getting to cop some cheap feels off of Slinkie. I rarely envied the Governor, but now was not one of those times. Then again, Missy and Chrysta seemed far more amenable. Perhaps Slinkie just needed to see proof of the Outland Prowess in order to come around.

  "No one should take too long," the Governor said, possibly as a test of the Prowess, as he settled onto the couch and Saladine gave him the axe to hold onto. "You in particular," he said in my direction, confirming the Prowess Attack. "We're on a time limit."

  "We're not in a rush," I pointed out. Well, not currently.

  "Oh, it's okay," Chrysta said cheerfully. "We're supposed to do what we can to make the customers happy."

  Wet blanket demands shared and overruled, Saladine, Randolph, and Slinkie went into the store to find whatever it was Randolph wanted. I took the opportunity to show Missy and Chrysta just how much fun could be had in a dressing room, even on a schedule.

  Either security had missed that we'd come into this store, they'd turned their interest toward that runaway royal, or they couldn't pick locks, but we were undisturbed for a decent amount of time. Long enough for me to ensure that both Missy and Chrysta had a very favorable view of pilots in general and the Outland in particular.

  There was a banging on the dressing room door. "Nap, compose yourself," Saladine said. "We need to get out of here."

  I hadn't bothered to undress—because I'd had enough experience to know that it was a lot easier to escape if my pants were on, and by now I was expert at zipping my fly on the run—so I didn't take too long. Missy and Chrysta were clearly experienced in the "making the customers happy" business, too, and they were ready to go almost as fast as I was.

  "I think we should bring Missy and Chrysta with us," I said, as we joined the others. "They're a lot of fun."

  Slinkie gave me a lovely shot of the vulture-glare again. That was definitely her go-to look. "What jobs would they do?"

  "Pleasure Princesses?" Chrysta suggested. "I've heard that's a really great job."

  Missy nodded. "I've heard it's the most popular job on any ship. Besides, we've always wanted to see the galaxy."

  "There they are!" a voice bellowed before anyone could ask either Missy or Chrysta just what they thought a Pleasure Princess did. I mean, they were highly focused on customer service here, so maybe they knew. Looking at their excited, hopeful expressions, however, told me that they had no idea what jobs they'd just suggested themselves for.

  Slinkie, however, clearly knew. Her expression was a mixture of shock, revulsion, and humor, as the vaguely familiar voice shouted again.

  "Hey, it's Jamez," Randolph said, sounding both surprised and pleased. "And Kathi, too!" He even waved. I resisted the urge to smack him, which took a great deal of resisting.

  Thankfully, he also had whatever it was we'd pilfered in a bag slung over his shoulder, so as Missy and Chrysta started shrieking anti-Barbarian comments, Kathi shrieked about her tip and another go with the Outland, and Jamez shouted for his axe and money, my crew and I headed for the back door.

  "Did you see any security?" I asked Saladine, as we reached the storeroom.

  "No," he said, as Slinkie opened the door.

  "I guess that's because they're here." Sure enough, we had a contingent of security goons standing there.

  There was a long moment where we stared at them and they stared at us. Most of their attention was on Slinkie, not that I could blame them for that. But for that moment, no one moved or said anything.

  One of the security team broke the standoff. "You will come with us—"

  Slinkie didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. She kicked him in the personals section, then tossed his buckling body onto several of the others standing there, right before she kicked, punched, flipped, and generally caused pain to anyone in her vicinity.

  Saladine, meanwhile, activated the laser axe. The security guards who were upright took one look at it and started backing away. He smiled. "Gentlemen, I'm sure there are better things for you all to be doing right now."

  "I think there's a ruckus going on inside the store," the Governor said. "Sounds like a lot of merchandise is getting destroyed."

  One of the guards who’d managed not to be kicked or hit by Slinkie made a move and went for his taser-pistol. It was a very short move, though, because Slinkie stopped him with a well-placed kick to his stomach before he got the pistol out of the holster. The rest of the guards winced as he hit the wall and pointedly kept their own hands clear of their weapons.

  "And there are two hot babes in there who probably would be really grateful to be saved from a rampaging Barbarian," I added, as he slid down said wall, whimpering quietly. "Very demonstrably grateful." I winked, in case they hadn't gotten the hint.

  They'd needed the wink, apparently, because they finally lurched into action that kept them away from Slinkie, the axe, and the rest of us. "Ah, thank you," the one she'd kneed in the groin gasped out. "We'll take it from here." We left the storeroom and they went in.

  "That was awfully easy," Slinkie said, as we hurried off again.

  "The first rule of flying with us, Slinkie, is this: never, ever complain about things going our way." I sincerely hoped whatever Active Gods were listening hadn't decided to show Slinkie that she'd been far too optimistic.

  "It's not sleep with anything that moves?" she asked, far more snidely than I felt the situation warranted.

  "That's my personal rule, but you don't have to follow that unless it relates to your ship's captain."

  "I'll keep it in mind."

  We reached the end of the back corridors. "How far from the Sixty-Nine do you think we are?" I asked the others, as we stepped out onto a main concourse.

  "Not too far," Saladine said.

  "You don't know where your own ship is docked?" Slinkie asked me.

  "We know where the ship is. We don't happen to know where we are. At the moment. Governor, please rectify that situation, would you?"

  He pulled out an ancient tracking device we used because it looked innocuous and tended to be overlooked by security personnel of all types while he muttered something nasty under his breath which I chose to ignore. It was harder to ignore Slinkie, not that I wanted to.

  "I cannot believe I'm actually considering flying with you."

  "No need to sound so derisive. I get it, you're jealous. Don't worry, Slink—you say the word and I'm your man."

  "Right." She shook her head and her hair did its glitter in the light thing. "You're a dog. You obviously were one before I met you, you're clearly one now, and you'll be one long after I'm gone."

  "You wound me."

  She snorted. "If I actually thought you had feelings to hurt, I might apologize."

  "Can you two banter later?" Saladine asked, voice tight. He was looking in the direction opposite the one the rest of us were.

  "There they are!" an unfamiliar male voice shouted. There was far too much of this going around. Said voice sounded like it was in pain, so I figured we'd met him in the corridor. Or, rather, he'd met Slinkie's knees, feet, or fists.

  "You didn't pay!" a woman called out. This was probably Missy or Chrysta. Maybe even Kathi. Hard to be sure without looking.

  "What now?" Slinkie asked.

  "My rule in these situations is a simple do and don't scenario—don't look around to see who's trying to get our attention." I grabbed her hand. "Do run as fast as possible for the ship."

  "The ship you don't know how to find?"

  "Found it," the Governor said as we took off, Randolph and Saladine moving him along at a far more rapid pace than he liked. I'd hear about it, potentially for days, once we were out of this.

  "Nap, we need a distraction," Saladine said. "We're never going to make it otherwise."

  I risked a look over my shoulder while Saladine handed me the laser axe and he and Randolph moved the Governor into what my Great-Aunt Clara liked to call a fireman's carry, but was just two guys being a seat for a third. It was tough on the people being the seat, but it moved the Governor along the fastest. And we were definitely going faster now.

  "It's like a parade back there," I said, while I let Saladine and Randolph take the lead and the Governor shared directions. "I see Jamez, several people from the Smuggler's Bar in addition to Kathi, Missy and Chrysta, all those security personnel and then some, and what looks like a spacer crew. A really angry spacer crew. They might be angrier with us than Jamez, which makes no sense because I don't recognize any of them."

  "Feathers! I don't want to go back with them!"

  "Wait, your former crew is after you? What did you do?"

  "Nothing wrong." She sounded evasive.

  "Uh huh. The captain thought he was going to get to sleep with you, didn't he?"

  "He might have."

  "Slink, Slink, Slink. Clearly you've met us just in time."

  "You're not going to tell me that my passage on your ship is contingent with my coming across?"

  "Do I look like someone who has to coerce women into sleeping with me?"

  "Frankly . . . no."

  "Correct. If you're part of my crew, you zoom whoever you want to zoom. Preferably me, but if you're somehow into lesser options, that's up to you."

  "None of us will ever force ourselves on you, Miss Slinkie," the Governor called over his shoulder. "Oh dear."

  Slinkie grabbed my laser pistol right as I heard Randolph shout my name. Slinkie aimed at me and fired. Only I wasn't hit.

  As I turned around to see what was actually going on, I heard a man's voice I didn't recognize say, "You're coming with us," as Slinkie fired again, into a whole phalanx of people in security uniforms who were trying a lot harder to be effective and efficient than the security personnel Central Receiving normally had hanging around. These guys were bigger than the ones we'd dealt with already, and armed to the teeth.

  I didn't think they were actually Central Receiving Security—they looked more like hired guns. This could mean anything, though. We'd made some enemies over the years, some due to our line of work, some due to my ability with the ladies, some just because there were a lot of crankypants out there. The rent-a-goons looked intent, and considering they'd appeared out of nowhere, they were likely both well-funded and well-trained. Meaning I had a lot less compunction to be nice.

  Not that it appeared to matter too much. Slinkie hadn't exaggerated her talents with weapons in any way. She was firing my laser pistol at least as fast as I could have and, frankly, more accurately than I normally managed—and I was almost as good a shot as I was a pilot.

  She wasn't just shooting to kill—she was also shooting to claim weapons. The nearest goons were already on the ground as she grabbed a laser machinegun out of one of their unmoving pairs of hands and tossed my pistol back to me.

  As Slinkie sprayed the remaining goons with laser fire while moving forward and kicking the weapons back to Randolph, I shot over the heads of the rest of those pursuing us—no reason to get caught by the lesser threats, after all. Besides, Slinkie, aided by Saladine's backup, was doing a great job with the goons.

  The entire Goon Squad were down in short order, we had a lot of nice new weapons, and the rest of those pursuing us had backed off a bit, even Jamez, proving he wasn't quite as stupid as I'd assumed.

  The Governor seemed unperturbed. Not a surprise—he'd seen a lot more action than most knew about. "Alexander, that distraction Saladine asked for is probably going to be prudent. We're almost to the docking bay and you know we don't want them seeing our ship."

  "Hey, the delay wasn't my fault."

  "Nap, supposedly it's never your fault," Saladine said. "But the Governor's right. We need to move it. Randolph, let's get the Governor back into the carry position."

  "Belay that. Saladine, drop the Governor and come with me. Randolph, get our new firepower, Slinkie, and the Governor onboard—not necessarily in that order—and get the Sixty-Nine warmed up. It's time to do Diversion Ten."

  "No!" everyone other than Slinkie shouted as they started to do what I'd told them far more rapidly than they'd done anything else so far. "Not Diversion Ten!"

  "What's Diversion Ten?" Slinkie asked, as Saladine tossed her the guns he'd collected, and Randolph shifted the guns he was holding so he could grab her hand and race them off after the Governor, who was also carrying some of the new weapons while simultaneously booking it like a world-class sprinter. Diversion Ten was definitely a motivator for my crew of whiners.

  "You don't want to know!" were the last words I heard from Randolph, as he and Slinkie disappeared from view.

  "Why do I have to help with this?" Saladine asked.

  "You bellow better than I do." I activated the axe. "Ready?" Now that the Goon Squad was down and not moving, Jamez was back in the lead of our regular parade of pursuers. He had his other axe out and activated, and he was close to us.

  "Never." He took a deep breath. "Look out, it's gonna blow!"

  Saladine had a great bellow. Everyone after us started to slow down, other than Jamez, which was what I'd been hoping for. There were a variety of pipes right by me and I swung my axe as hard as possible into them right before Jamez's axe was in reach of us. I had no idea what those pipes were carrying, but I was quite confident the laser axe would share their contents with the parade behind us without issue.

  Results, as so often happened, were immediate.

  "I can't believe that worked," Slinkie said, as we sailed away from Central Receiving's port-space and I set our course.

  "It always works."

  Saladine groaned. "It does. I don't think we can go back to Central Receiving for a while, though. We took out water, gas, and sewage for that section of the spaceport. They're going to be cleaning up for days, maybe weeks."

  "Not to mention what we did to the Goon Squad, courtesy of our new Weapons Chief."

  "Happy to help, but won't they come after us?" Slinkie asked worriedly.

  "Nope. I left the cause of the problem right there. Jamez's axe was really stuck into the wall."

  The others were quiet for a moment. "They'll lock him away for years," Slinkie said finally.

  "He'll come after us," Randolph added. "With both axes."

  "Probably so. We'll worry about him finding us when those years are up."

  "Bridges to cross at a later date, and to worry about then and only then," the Governor agreed. "Where are you heading us, Alexander?"

  "I'm setting a course for Ismaliz. The main entertainment planet for the Alpha Quadrant should be a nice change of pace."

  "They have a lot of merchant ships in their solar space, too," Slinkie said.

  "See? I knew you'd work out, Slink."

  "You're going to be okay with pirating?" Saladine asked her.

  "I think so, yeah," she said slowly. "I have to give you guys this—I didn't see any way out, and yet, here we are, with no one pursuing us. I could get used to this. Apparently Nap's plans actually do work out somehow."

  "All the time, Slink. All the time. Getting ready to jump, gang."

  The hyper-jump from Central Receiving to Ismaliz was a good ten minutes. And during jump times it was recommended that you remain strapped in. Plus, hyper-jumps made it hard to move, anyway. Saladine strapped into the co-pilot's seat, while Randolph and the Governor headed out of the cockpit.

  "Where do I sit during jumps?" Slinkie asked.

  "Right here." I pulled her into my lap, buried my face in her neck, wrapped my arms around her—one hand behind her head and one at the small of her back, purely for her safety, of course—and hit the hyper-drive button.

  Ten minutes straight with Slinkie pressed against my chest. Yeah, my plans always worked out and, as they went, this one was my best yet.

  G.J. Koch writes science fiction. Not the hard stuff, though. Because that requires actual scientific knowledge or at least actual scientific research. Knowledge may be power and research may be cool, but they take time away from writing jokes, action, and romance, and being witty in the face of death is what it's really all about. Check out the first in G.J.'s rollicking Alexander Outland series, Alexander Outland: Space Pirate, from Night Shade Books and reach G.J. (otherwise known as Gini Koch) at Space... the Funny Frontier (www.ginikoch.com/GJKbookstore.htm).

  Dear Joyce

  Langley Hyde

  Dear Joyce,

  Last week a wizard abducted me and my best friend R. The wizard claims I'm the rightful heir to the Alabaster Throne, that my destiny is to kill King Mnabapt, to marry a princess, and to restore Riverell to prosperity, and that King Mnabapt has sent a bloodseeker to kill me.

  At least the bloodseeker part is true—I saw it rip into Farmer J, R's dad. I don't know if R will ever get over that.

  As for the rest?

  I really, really do NOT want to marry a princess.

  Sure, I'm an orphan and I always felt I was destined for greater things, but I thought maybe I'd go to college and become a financial adviser instead of a farmer. Turnips are boring.

  What do you think? Have I found my destiny, or has it found me? What should I do?

  - Captured Homeless Orphan Seeks Explanatory Note

  Dear CHOSEN,

  You gloss over this part a little, so I feel the need to place this all in caps: YOU HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED.

  Your first responsibility is your and R's safety. Your second is to escape. If you have the opportunity, please do not hesitate to call the authorities.

  It sounds also like your abductor is extremely manipulative. He's using his knowledge of your background and your dreams to induce you to stay with him. In the best case scenario—if he's right about your parentage and destiny—it would mean that he intends to expose you, a minor, to extreme danger, force you into an unwanted marriage, and compel you to commit murder.

  I highly suggest that you leave this situation immediately. Once safe, you may consider reading A Survivor's Guide: Overcoming Stockholm's, Brainwashing, Gaslighting, and Other Manipulation Techniques Abusers Use to Control You.