"I vote for Golaka as well."

  "Right." She looked around. "Dead humans. Get your arses up and break open that door."

  For several moments, nothing happened. Then bodies rustled. Footsteps shuffled across the floor. Golaka and Chale backed away as dead fists assaulted the door.

  None of the dead humans spoke. The quiet was a nice change from the past day or so.

  The door cracked and fell away. Moonlight and fresh air flooded the crypt. Golaka shoved past the dead humans and stepped outside. A few bodies lay scattered across the ground. Most had died near the privies and latrines.

  Chale began to laugh. It was the kind of laugh that brought to mind the shattering of glass, or the breaking of ill-tempered steel. "You . . . you're High King of the Winterlands. A goblin! You could conquer . . . everything!"

  Golaka scowled. "Sure, but where would I put it?" She took a knife from one of the bodies and awkwardly sawed through her bonds. "These dead bastards have caused you humans more than a century of grief. You think I need that kind of headache? I've got a whole lair of goblins for that. Goblins who've probably made a bloody mess of my kitchen by now. Stuffed themselves on my stores, swiped all my best knives . . ."

  Golaka jabbed a finger at the closest of the immortal army. "You, guard Chale and see him home. Do whatever he tells you." Her finger moved to the next group. "You four, find that silly throne. The rest of you? Drop dead, and this time, stay that way."

  The Army of Immortals collapsed, all save the ones Golaka had indicated.

  Chale stared at the bodies, then at Golaka. "They're really dead. The army. My brother . . . the Conclave."

  "Every one," agreed Golaka. "Seems fitting that the greedy bastards gorged themselves to death."

  "I'm head of House Loncaster now. I'll need advisors of my own. And a chef. I . . . you could be both, if you wanted. Not as slave or servant, but—"

  "I don't think so." Golaka started to walk away. "You know, you've decent skill at the cook fires. I could use a helper back at the lair. Do a good enough job, and the other goblins probably won't eat you."

  Chale shuddered. "No, thank you."

  Beyond him, the other dead soldiers had returned, staggering beneath the weight of a gleaming onyx chair, black with long, wispy clouds of white stretching through it. They set it in the dirt in front of her.

  "Now that I look at it, that would go nicely with the rock of the lair," Golaka said. "Needs a cushion, but it's about the right height for when I'm stirring the stewpot."

  "You mean to use the Onyx Throne as a kitchen stool?" Chale laughed again, but the madness was gone. "I think I understand your lesson. Thank you, Golaka. Farewell!"

  What lesson? Idiot humans, always digging for lessons and layers of meaning in everything. Still, the young human was a step up from most. Maybe he'd even survive the bloodbath of human politics for a while.

  Golaka ducked into one of the tents to grab a bedroll. It wasn't like the previous owner needed it anymore. She draped it over the throne for padding and sat down. "All right, humans. Lift!"

  The four immortal soldiers raised Golaka and her throne smoothly into the air.

  High King of the Winterlands? Who needed that? Golaka was perfectly content to be Unquestioned Lord of the Goblin Kitchen. "Let's march."

  Jim C. Hines' first novel was Goblin Quest, the humorous tale of a nearsighted goblin runt and his pet fire-spider. Actor and author Wil Wheaton described the book as "too f***ing cool for words," which is pretty much the Best Blurb Ever. After finishing the goblin trilogy, he went on to write the Princess series of fairy tale retellings and the Magic ex Libris books, a modern-day fantasy series about a magic-wielding librarian, a dryad, a secret society founded by Johannes Gutenberg, a flaming spider, and an enchanted convertible. He's also the author of the Fable Legends tie-in Blood of Heroes. His short fiction has appeared in more than 50 magazines and anthologies.

  Jim's forthcoming Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse series marks his first foray into science fiction. Book one, Terminal Alliance, comes out in November 2017. You can find him at www.jimchines.com or on Twitter as @jimchines.

  The Breakdown of the Parasite/Host Relationship

  Paul R. Hardy

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Life Support System CHEN SHI

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  UCHELL: Good morning, Chen. You joined us quite recently, so I wanted to see how you were settling in.

  CHEN: I regret to inform you that I am settling in very poorly, Captain. I had no idea that working as a Life Support System to a florungus could be so degrading! I was prepared for the sensation of having a sentient parasite wrapped around my spine, but not for their carelessness in using my body.

  UCHELL: I'm sorry to hear that. Kirireg usually gets on well with their LSS—has there been a specific issue?

  CHEN: There have been several, but I can supply an alarming example from just this morning. When Kirireg finished their engineering shift and returned control of my body, I was immediately struck by an urgent and unpleasant sensation. They had not troubled to urinate once during their entire work shift! I had to float through the transit tubes to the nearest bipedal toilet facility in an extremely undignified pose. I barely made it there in time!

  UCHELL: I see. Have you spoken to Kirireg about this?

  CHEN: It is difficult when we cannot both be awake at once, but I have made several attempts nonetheless. I have used the interpersonnel chat system. I have left voicemails. I have asked other crewmembers to pass on messages. I have placed post-it notes in Kirireg's workspace. I have written memos on my hands. I even held a large noticeboard in front of myself as I handed back control so that he would have no excuse not to see it. He has ignored me every single time! Surely a civilized parasite should be more accommodating than this?

  UCHELL: You didn't try any other methods? Although to be honest, I'm not sure if we have any . . .

  CHEN: Captain, I would be grateful if you took this matter seriously.

  UCHELL: Yes, of course. I'll have a word with Kirireg and see if we can't sort this out. They've been working flat out to prepare for our dark matter observations, so I imagine they've just been busy.

  CHEN: Captain, I shall look forward to the results of your intervention. Thank you.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG

  UCHELL: I know you're busy, but what's all this I hear about not letting your LSS go to the toilet during your shift? I don't recall you having issues like this on the last mission. I can't have my crew backbiting each other once we're halfway out of the galaxy with six cycles of dark matter observations ahead of us. Especially when it's the same back they're biting.

  KIRIREG: Ha-ha. Very funny. But seriously, you have no idea what I'm putting up with! This guy Chen was forced on me at the last minute—my previous LSS decided to retire without telling me, so I had to take whoever the agency had available. They said Chen was compatible and willing to work, but I think they were just trying to get rid of him.

  UCHELL: Why, has he turned out to be incompatible? Have you spoken to Dr. Lallimore about that?

  KIRIREG: Nah, it's not the physical side. It's the everything-else side. He's insufferable! The only thing that could make it worse is if we were awake at the same time and actually had to talk to each other. Do you know what the first thing I found was, when I wrapped myself round his spine and woke up in his body? A list of rules!

  UCHELL: What's wrong with a few rules?

  KIRIREG: You haven't read the list he gave me. I should put it on the shipwide boards so everyone can have a laugh. I mean it's just ridiculous:

  Toilet break to be taken for fluid waste (urine) every TWO HOURS. DO NOT DRINK THE URINE! It may seem efficient to recycle but it is DISGUSTING. Use the correct facility for disposal!

  Handwashing to be undertaken after every toilet break. Use the alcohol cleaner (in the tool belt I have provided). DO NOT INGEST THE ALCOHOL CLEANER! You will get my body drunk and I will have to report you to the captain for alcoholism.

  Do not defecate solid wastes unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to do so. DO NOT SAVE THE FECES. I am aware that florungal species require soil to germinate their seeds and I do not want my feces used as fertilizer!

  . . . And it goes on like that for another six pages. See what I mean? Seriously, I wonder why Chen signed up for this if he's such a xenophobe that he thinks I'm going to want to use his piss and shit for anything.

  UCHELL: Okay, so he's a bit humorless, but that doesn't change the fact that his species needs to urinate regularly. Humans haven't been out in space for all that long, so they haven't made a full adaptation yet.

  KIRIREG: I didn't know you were an expert on humans.

  UCHELL: That is literally on the first page of their species wiki.

  KIRIREG: Really?

  UCHELL: I take it you haven't looked that far.

  KIRIREG: Well, I've been busy. Calibrating gyroscopes. You know, the thing I'm being paid for.

  UCHELL: Kirireg, I know we have a lot to do and your work schedule is stressful, but I can't have you damaging your LSS through neglect. Do some research before you decide it's okay to ignore his requests. And please, respond to his messages and find a solution that works for both of you.

  KIRIREG: Fine. I'll sort something out.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Life Support System CHEN SHI

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  CHEN: Captain, I am still very unhappy with Kirireg. I had hoped your intervention would prompt it to address my concerns in an honest manner, but instead they chose to play a disgusting practical joke! Rather than simply use the toilet facilities as I requested, they wore an adult diaper! And of course they left it to me to clean up. It was absolutely filthy, soiled with both forms of waste! And worse than that, the diaper was not designed for human physiology and therefore did not fit me correctly, leading to leakage which caused a rash. This is a medical issue which will only grow worse if their behavior is repeated. Indeed, it may result in Kirireg having to miss work shifts while it heals. I do not wish to insist on taking medical leave, but I will have little choice if this continues.

  UCHELL: I'm very sorry to hear that this situation is continuing. I will speak to Kirireg again to impress upon them the importance of regular urination breaks.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG

  UCHELL: Come on, Kirireg. A diaper? Seriously?

  KIRIREG: I did exactly as you asked! I looked it up on the species wiki, and this is how they dealt with the urination problem when they first started getting into space. It's certainly efficient! And anyway, it's not like I had a choice. Chen's put me in a position where I have to maximize the amount of time I spend around the gyroscopes.

  UCHELL: Explain.

  KIRIREG: I think he's deliberately starving himself to get back at me.

  UCHELL: I think you're deliberately testing my patience.

  KIRIREG: I'm serious! It's as though he doesn't realize he's eating for two. I keep finding that I don't have the energy to get through the shift—I have to work more slowly to keep up my concentration, and the only way I can do that is to cut out anything that's not work-related. Like following Chen's stupid rules.

  UCHELL: Kirireg, I don't have time for this. I know he's annoying, but you two need to work together. So this is an order: take the piss breaks as he requests and stop messing about.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  Life Support System CHEN SHI

  UCHELL: I've spoken to Kirireg about the urination issue. Please let me know if there are any further problems. There's another issue I'd like to just check on—are you having any difficulties with nutrition?

  CHEN: Thank you for your help, Captain. I am indeed having difficulties, and again it is Kirireg who is the source of the problem. I've been trying to eat as healthily as I can so that I do not put on weight, which can be an issue for those working as Life Support Systems. But Kirireg has been compromising my efforts by eating during their work shifts. And their choice of food is simply disgusting! I keep finding pieces of fermented algae and candied spiders in my pockets! The taste in my mouth is frequently vile—I am sure they do not brush my teeth and floss as I politely requested. I certainly provided detailed enough instructions!

  UCHELL: I see.

  CHEN: I sent three copies by three different methods, each one enclosing a toothbrush, toothpaste, and an adequate supply of dental floss. Therefore I am, once again, certain that Kirireg has deliberately chosen to ignore me.

  UCHELL: Clearly.

  CHEN: In summary, I have gained a hundred grams in weight over the last ten days despite the fact that I bear the burden of eating for two. Therefore I have reduced my own calorific intake to compensate, and increased my exercise schedule to counter Kirireg's slovenly habits—I don't think they have performed the stretches I requested even once!

  UCHELL: And how many ways did you send those instructions to Kirireg?

  CHEN: At least four. Kirireg continues to ignore me, and I sense you are not taking this entirely seriously either.

  UCHELL: I'm sorry. Go on.

  CHEN: I am afraid to say that the experience of working as an LSS has fulfilled my worst fears. If this kind of behavior continues, I will have no choice but to ask Dr. Lallimore to separate us.

  UCHELL: I would strongly advise against that. The penalty clauses for breaking your contract would be very serious indeed—you would be charged for the cost of postponing the mission while we find a replacement LSS. Paying off the debt could take the rest of your life.

  CHEN: Forgive me, Captain. I will of course do everything in my power to fulfill the terms of my contract. I can only hope that Kirireg does the same.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG

  UCHELL: Please tell me you've sorted this thing out with Chen. He's talking about getting the two of you separated.

  KIRIREG: Seriously? But what about the penalty clauses?

  UCHELL: It doesn't matter. He'll never be able to pay off the debt and the mission will be postponed for space knows how long while we find more funding.

  KIRIREG: Well, I've been trying to work with him. But he's completely inflexible! It's all rules, rules, rules! He wants me to put any snacks I eat on a chart along with calorie content and time and how much they weighed when they came out the other end. Seriously, he wants me to weigh his shit! I'm here to calibrate gyroscopes, not study the human dietary system!

  UCHELL: Can you please just put up with it for one mission? If this goes to litigation, you might get hit in the fallout as well.

  KIRIREG: Fine. But I'm going to have to do something about the food issue.

  UCHELL: I really don't care how you do it. Just sort something out, for the love of space.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Life Support System CHEN SHI

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  CHEN: Captain, I have to report a grave abuse upon my person by the parasite Kirireg.

  UCHELL: What is it?

  CHEN: When I awoke after their last shift, I felt uncommonly tired. I suspected foul play, and I turned out to be right. When I returned to my quarters and removed my worksuit, I found leaves!

  UCHELL: You're complaining about Kirireg's snacking habits now? This is really none of my business. Frankly, I'm fed up with all of this petty nonsense.

  CHEN: I apologize if I was unclear. Kirireg has not been eating leaves. They have been growing leaves! There are now more than a dozen stems bursting from my spine and wrapping around my body, bearing variegated leaves in enormous quantity—no wonder I felt so tired when I came off shift! I look like I'm covered in ivy! Kirireg has been using all the energy they claim they need for work to grow foliage instead. Heaven only knows why. If this continues, I will have to activate clause 17b in my contract, "Permanent Physical Harm to the Host," which permits separation without penalty.

  UCHELL: Very well. I'll have a word with them. Again. But my patience is very nearly at an end.

  RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:

  Mission Captain UCHELL

  Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG

  UCHELL: Explain the leaves now before I fire your florungal ass.

  KIRIREG: I didn't have a choice!

  UCHELL: That is not an explanation.

  KIRIREG: Seriously, I had no control over it. You know how it is for my species—if we don't get enough nutrition from the host, we put out foliage and photosynthesize. I couldn't help it!

  UCHELL: Kirireg, I do know your species, and I know very well that it's the flowers you can't control, not the leaves.

  KIRIREG: Ugh, don't say that about flowers. Don't even joke about it. That's the last thing I need. And yes, I can usually restrain the foliage but I'm in a weakened state. It's a starvation adaptation, and he was starving me! Do you know what he did when he found out?

  UCHELL: He re-read his contract and found that you were giving him a way to get out of it without penalty?

  KIRIREG: He started trimming! He got hold of some pruning shears from the hydroponics bay and hacked them all off!

  UCHELL: Kirireg, I'm serious. You're just giving him a reason to break his contract. Any physical harm—like, say, putting holes in his skin with your stems—will give him an excuse for separation.