“Maybe it’s just temporary. I guess we all have to pay our dues in the trenches. Maybe it will get better soon. Somebody has to do it.”

  Step 3: How can I challenge and dispute my irrational thinking?

  “Why shouldn’t I assert myself, even though it might not be well received? Could it be worse for me if I don’t speak up? Is my boss really too busy, or am I avoiding an uncomfortable situation? Is it really too hard to face this? No, it’s only difficult and I can do it. Will the situation likely change if I do nothing about it? Fat chance!”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thoughts?

  “I would like the boss to correct these imbalances herself, and I’d like others to volunteer to help when they can. I am seriously concerned about the amount of work I am given, because it is interfering with the quality of my performance. I will discuss the issue with my boss, without blowing up or whining. It is easy to avoid difficult situations, but not in the long run. I can handle whatever the boss says in response when I bring it up.”

  Awfulizing and shoulding in this situation could lead to sarcastically complaining to your colleagues or your boss, or even quitting in a huff. Rationalizations might lead you to say nothing and keep taking it until you get into more difficulties, or quit impulsively. Thinking realistic preferences enables you to discuss the problem with your boss without whining or griping or sounding like you are the problem.

  Once you give up thinking irrationally and feeling disturbed, you could say to your boss, “When you give me more work than the others, and more than I can handle, I find myself not doing as thorough a job, and being heavily pressured to meet the deadlines—and I am seriously concerned about this. I’m also frustrated that others are not nearly as busy. I understand and appreciate your confidence in my being able to get things done, but I would really like to see a better balance in the distribution of work.”

  You might also ask your coworkers in a direct, honest, and respectful (not accusatory or sarcastic) manner to help you. If you get no cooperation from either source, the ball is in your court. Whatever you choose to do, you can refuse to make yourself miserable even if you continue to be treated unfairly by your boss.

  This Is the Big One!

  You are nervously waiting in the outer office to go into a very important job interview. Getting the position will lead to a much higher salary, a great opportunity for advancement, and challenging, interesting work. You know that there are two other finalists. This is the chance of a lifetime!

  Step 1: How am I feeling and acting?

  Functionally: Concerned, and determined to do your best in the first interview.

  Dysfunctionally: Extremely anxious. My foot is twitching a mile a minute. I am sweating profusely.

  Step 2: What am I irrationally thinking to make myself overly anxious, angry, depressed, or guilty?

  a: What am I irrationally thinking about myself ?

  “What if I blow it? What if I say something that offends the interviewer without my even knowing it? What if I don’t get a chance to show my strong points? What if I don’t get the job? What if I do get the job?

  “I have to get this job! It will be horrible if I don’t! I have to do something to beat out those two other finalists! Look at me—I’m shaking like a leaf. I just know I’m going to blow it. I must not show how nervous I am! Mother was right: I’ll never amount to anything!”

  b: What am I irrationally thinking about the others?

  “What if the interviewer makes a snap judgment? What if he has already decided? What if he asks me trick questions? What if he is really strange? What if he is prejudiced against me? That would be awful!”

  c: What am I irrationally thinking about the situation?

  “I just hate interviews. They’re so fake. You can’t really get to know anyone that fast. They shouldn’t even be part of getting a job! It’s all so ridiculous. I don’t even care if I get the stupid job!”

  Step 3: How can I challenge and dispute my irrational thoughts?

  “This is a really great opportunity, but is it devastating if I don’t get it? Does catastrophizing about it help get me the job? Is it absolutely essential that I not be nervous at all in the interview? Even though interviews can be limited and superficial, is there any reason why they shouldn’t exist? Can I manage to do my best and have a good interview?”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thinking?

  “I would like to do well in the interview. I would very much like to get the job. If I do, wonderful; if I don’t, I will be really disappointed, but not horrified. I would like to learn something from this interview experience—but even if I don’t learn a thing, it’s still not the end of the world, and I don’t have to upset myself unless I indulge in awfulizing and shoulding. I’m not crazy about interviews, but I can live with them without overreacting.”

  If you do awfulize and should in the outer office, you will likely be fidgeting or riffling through a (probably upside-down) magazine. In the interview itself, maybe you will spill the coffee they give you, or go to shake hands with the interviewer and poke him in the stomach, or go totally blank when he asks a fairly simple question. Immediately after the interview is over, you will remember 20 other things you should have pointed out. If you rationalize beforehand really hard (“so what, who cares, big deal”), you might come across as aloof or indifferent—as though you really don’t care, when all you were trying to do was cover up your anxiety by seeming to be “cool.”

  By thinking realistic preferences you may still be somewhat anxious, but you will be able to get your anxiety down to a level where you are clear-headed and can respond to questions in an articulate and enthusiastic manner. Interviewers will react to how you “come across,” as well as what you are saying. It makes much more sense to actually reduce your anxiety inside than to try to fake it outside. Thinking realistic preferences works great to get that anxiety down to an unpanicked, manageable level.

  The Whiners

  Two people in your work group constantly complain and whine about everything. They seem to feed off of each other, and they try to draw you and others into their negativity. They talk about everybody else to you, and you know they do the same about you to others. They waste enormous amounts of time, often distracting the group from its work, getting everyone else upset, and creating a very negative work atmosphere. One of them comes to you for the fourth time today (while you are trying to get your own work done), moaning, “Wait until you hear what they’re making us do now!” You have finally had it!

  Step 1: How am I feeling and acting?

  Fed up, angry, disgusted. About to tell them what I really think of them in no uncertain terms, and storm off.

  Step 2: What am I thinking to make myself excessively anxious, angry, depressed, guilty, and hostile?

  a: What am I thinking about myself?

  “I cannot take this anymore! I can’t listen to this bull one more minute! I’m just trying to do my job while these jerks are sitting around griping to everybody and driving me absolutely crazy!”

  b: What am I thinking about the others?

  “Whine, complain, moan, gripe. That’s all they ever do. They shouldn’t be allowed to get away with any of that crap! How can they be such dorks?”

  c: What am I thinking about the situation?

  “This has become a horrible place to work in! I hate it! I don’t even look forward to coming to work anymore! This whining and griping ought to be outlawed. It’s got to stop!”

  Step 3: How can I challenge and dispute my irrational thoughts?

  “These two do whine and complain a lot, but are they really driving me crazy, or am I driving me crazy when they do it? Even though I greatly dislike it, can I really not stand it? Does getting upset with them stop it in the long run, or is there a better way?”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thinking?

  “I’d like them not to whine and complain so much, and not to set such a negative tone around here. I want them to realize the effect they have on the group, and I really want them to know how annoying it is to listen to their whining. But if they persist, I can largely ignore them, can let the boss know what is going on, can confront them—or, if nothing else works, look for a job with better conditions. ”

  This is a great example because the whiners’ behavior is something to be legitimately frustrated and displeased about. But if you keep awfulizing and shoulding about it, you will likely blow up and make things worse. The whiners will then have gotten to you, you will be as negative as they are, and you will give them something to really whine about to others. However, if you think in terms of realistic preferences, you can still confront them, but without attacking them. You simply say something like: “When you continually complain about the things that are happening here, I find myself enjoying talking with you less and less, and that’s frustrating to me. I’d like to talk with you, but I’d like you to discuss and not complain. I’d like to solve problems, not just be negative. Will you do that with me?”

  Frankly, you may get all kinds of defensiveness, excuses, more whining, or even hurt responses. Or you also might get a cooperative response. Whatever you get, you handled the situation well, and you did not let them push your buttons. On the other hand, enraging yourself with the brief pleasure of letting someone have it who desperately “deserves” it is not as valuable (or pleasurable) as the ability to truly keep your cool. In the above illustration, you were able to express your valid criticism without being abusive. Now, that’s really worth something!

  Check Chapter 2’s Exercises section for some more situations you can let push your buttons, and several different ways you could respond (depending on how you think about them).

  EXERCISES

  Exercise: Changing Your Emotional and Behavioral Overreactions and Your Irrational Thinking About Your Job, Business, or Profession

  These exercises will give you practice in discovering and changing your feelings, actions, and irrational thinking about your job, business, or profession. First, think of specific pertinent situations in which you tend to overreact, then identify what you are irrationally thinking at that time.

  Sample Practice Sheet for Exercise 6A: Discovering Your Emotional and Behavioral Overreactions and Your Irrational Thinking About Your Job, Business, or Profession

  Specific Situation Your Emotional and Behavioral Overreactions Your Irrational Thinking at That Time

  Being criticized by my boss or supervisor for something I did badly. Shame; anxiety; depression; absence from work; avoidance of my boss. I’m just no good at this and I’ll never be able to do better. I have to improve or else I’m unemployable. This is really awful.

  Being unjustly criticized by my boss or supervisor when I didn’t do badly. Extreme anger; talking nastily about your boss or supervisor. (Later, feel guilty about overreaction. That lousy supervisor! She’s so stupid! She must not treat me unfairly! I could kill her! (Followed by: “I shouldn’t have blown up like that.”)

  People you supervise are goofing-off and trying to get away with murder. Excessive anger at yourself for letting them get away with it. Rage at the Goofers. How can they goof-off like this when I treat them so well? What ungrateful bastards they are! But maybe I’m too lenient with them, as I absolutely shouldn’t be! What an ineffective person I am. It’s all my fault!

  Your Practice Sheet for Exercise 6A: Discovering Your Emotional and Behavioral Overreactions and Your Irrational Thinking About Your Job, Business, or Profession

  Sample Practice Sheet for Exercise 6B: Changing Your Irrational Thinking About Your Job, Business, or Profession

  Irrational Beliefs Challenging and Disputing My Irrational Beliefs

  I’m just no good at this, and I’ll never be able to do better. I have to improve or I’ll never keep a job. This is really awful! I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better. I can do better if I keep trying. I don’t have to do better. I’d like to. If I don’t do better, it doesn’t mean I’ll get fired. It’s unfortunate, but its not awful and horrible! Just very uncomfortable!

  That lousy supervisor! She’s so stupid! She must not treat me this unfairly! I could kill her! (Followed by: “I shouldn’t be angry and so talkative.”) The supervisor unjustly criticized me, and that’s bad, but it doesn’t make her a rotten person. She’s wrong in treating me this way, but she’s a fallible human who has the right to be wrong. I’m not thrilled by her behavior, but I don’t hate her as a person. I can discuss this with her without blowing my top.

  How can they goof-off like this when I treat them so well? What ungrateful bastards! But maybe I’m too easy on them, when I should not be! What an ineffective person I am! They are goofing-off. I resent it, but they are not total bastards for doing so. I will collar them on this. If I am acting weakly, then I’d better stop acting that way—but I’m not a total weakling if I don’t stop. Let me see now how I can act more strongly.

  Your Practice Sheet for Exercise 6B: Changing Your Irrational Thinking About Your Job, Business, or Profession

  Chapter 7

  Spouses: The Ultimate Button-Pushers

  Marriages are probably the toughest relationships of all to keep alive, healthy, and happy. Sometimes the roots go back to the very start. So many spouses begin with great expectations of how the other person is or will be. That’s understandable, because you both may be passionately in love, and therefore not seeing the other person entirely accurately. And that’s OK!

  The real measure of marital success, however, comes when you have to work out the differences, conflicts, problems, and disagreements that inevitably arise. How you two go about resolving the differences of opinion, values, wants, preferences, and priorities is the critical factor. If you or your spouse can’t or won’t discuss them, if feelings are too easily hurt, if one of you is extremely defensive, these are the real problems.

  If one spouse awfulizes about a problem, or shoulds on the other, or rationalizes and cons to avoid or justify or defend an action, that’s deadly. Problems, conflicts, differences, and disagreements will always exist in any relationship. Fine! But if, in the process of resolving them, spouses are defensive, controlling, argumentative, manipulative, and nasty (or unassertive, avoidant, evasive, or indifferent), then somebody’s buttons have been pushed, and at least one of them probably is awfulizing, shoulding, or rationalizing.

  Very often, people gradually lose their love, liking, or respect for the spouse. It just seems to atrophy. Actually, we let it atrophy; we let it die away from neglect. Either we don’t deal with the real concerns, or we give up trying. And each time we give up, we lose a little more love, liking, or respect. Some spouses look like they’re just plain bored with each other (watch them eating together in a restaurant—it’s like one’s on Mars and the other on Venus); they’re just going through the motions, putting in their time. Maybe they get their real pleasures and stimulations at work, or through the kids or hobbies or friends—or lovers. That’s not good enough!

  Leo Buscaglia listed, in a brief article in (believe it or not) Bride Magazine, the five factors essential for a good relationship. We’d like to restate them here, adding some comments of our own about each one.

  Factor 1: The first factor is communication. Now, that seems pretty obvious—but we really liked the way he described what he meant by communication. As long as you are willing and able to discuss the issues (as opposed to fight, debate, defensively argue, or grenade-lob), you have a chance for resolution. If you are really just fighting with each other, you are not communicating—and, when communication ends, the relationship atrophies.

  Factor 2: Second, do you have a sense of humor? Buscaglia does not mean you must walk in the door each night with a new joke (“Did you hear the one about the salesman and three chickens. . . ?”). He means do not take yourself too seriously. Are you able to laugh at your own sensitivities, pomposities, and mountainous molehills? Do you always have to have it your way (á la Burger King)? Is everything you say terribly important and always right? Is your ego involved too much in what you do? Do you place too much importance on what others think (image versus substance)? Do you try too hard to impress?

  I (A.L.) once saw Gone With the Wind and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in two consecutive days. Scarlett O’Hara (throughout) and “Maggie the Cat” (in the beginning) were great examples of what I’m talking about—and so were Rhett Butler, Big Daddy, his wife, both his sons, and their whole family! They were all caught up at different times with taking themselves too seriously, and consequently led miserable lives then. You do not have to emulate them! But you also don’t have to go to the other extreme and diminish your wants and preferences and opinions, and put yourself down. The balancing point is in the middle!

  Self-confidence and humility are what we’re talking about. Coach John Wooden (of UCLA basketball fame) was famous for saying, “It’s what you learn after you know it all that really counts.” Radio personality Paul Harvey used to say, “The number of people at your funeral will be a function of the weather that day.” Now, that’s humility!

  Factor 3: Commitment is next. Are you really, truly committed to this relationship, or are you just there? The oft-quoted analogy to a ham-and-egg breakfast captures the difference between being “sort of” involved and real commitment: The chicken is involved, the pig is committed. Commitment means that you regularly put out your best effort to make that relationship the very finest it can be. It may work out or it may not—but in either case you can honestly say you consistently gave it your best shot.

  Frankly, we believe that our society has developed a tolerance for minimal commitment in relationships. Extramarital relationships abound, and it seems old-fashioned to be concerned about that fact. We don’t believe that everyone ought to be married. All kinds of relationships work for different people, and the more options available, the better. But if you do make a monogamous marital commitment, it is important either to really keep it, or perhaps to end the relationship after a good, honest try. People rationalize, however, and find excuses for their uncommitted behavior in a thousand different ways—but it all just doesn’t float.