Step 1: How am I dysfunctionally feeling and acting?

  Extremely angry, shocked, embarrassed, and upset. Stare in amazement, shuffle around, step into the next room and yell loudly to my daughter, “Get him out of here before I kill him, and get up to your room right now!” Then storm into her room and read her the riot act, or cry profusely and let her know how she has destroyed me. (Some parents might make believe they didn’t see anything, and deny the whole incident). In this example, we’ll pursue the parent who blows up and loses it.)

  Step 2: What am I irrationally thinking to make myself excessively anxious, angry, depressed, guilty, or behave dysfunctionally?

  a: What am I thinking about myself ?

  “I’ve failed as a parent! I should have seen this coming, and ought to have done something to prevent this. I’m ashamed, I’m so embarrassed! What an idiot I am!”

  b: What am I thinking about the others?

  “How could she do this to us? She could be pregnant already! She’s destroying her life, and ours along with it. It’s that boy’s fault, he made her do this. That . . . !”

  c: What am I thinking about the situation?

  “Oh, this is awful! She’ll never see him again; I’ll see to that! We’ve got to put a stop to this immediately, if it’s not already too late. If he even goes near her again, I’ll kill him!”

  Step 3: How can I challenge my irrational thinking?

  “She has obviously been sexually involved with him, although I don’t know to what extent. She might even be pregnant. That would be a very serious situation—but even that is not awful, terrible, and horrible unless I make it. Are they really rotten people for having done this? No. Will getting overly upset, yelling, and screaming help now, or reverse what’s already happened? No. Will damning myself, or threatening her, lead to any good solutions? No, and maybe even to the opposite.”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thinking?

  “I’d have liked my daughter to use good judgment here, but it’s not awful and she’s not a louse because she didn’t. I am seriously concerned about this, and rm committed to letting her know how strongly I feel about her behavior, but I don’t have to yell and scream at her to convey how upset I am. I want to talk with her about why she did this, and what our expectations are, but I don’t need to make her feel guilty or berate her. I’d have liked her boyfriend to be more responsible, too, but he wasn’t, and I will deal with him and his parents also without blowing up. I’m disappointed, highly displeased, and worried—but it’s not the end of the world, and I can stop myself from overreacting.”

  This set of thoughts enables you as a parent to do several things: (a) express your legitimate feelings (sadness/frustration/disapproval/anxiety) in an appropriate manner without blowing up; (b) discuss with her why she did this; (c) state your expectations for the future; and (d) restrict her as you think fits (assuming she in fact violated a parental standard).

  The primary emphasis would be on dealing with the future, coming to agreement on acceptable attitudes and behavior, and teaching your daughter how to deal with sexual pressures. But there also may be a legitimate place for restriction. On such critical issues as sexual behavior, it’s important to get agreement, understanding, and cooperation because such activity is very difficult to prevent as well as to control. But her behavior was also a violation of parental rules that may warrant some penalty.

  You might say to her (after you’ve thought it through and survived the shock), “I’m really stunned and upset that you decided to be sexually involved with John. I want to talk with you about why you did this, and what’s at stake for you. I think you used very poor judgment, and you clearly broke the rules here.”

  Although it will likely be a difficult conversation for her, hopefully she will share some of her reasons and feelings with you. Although you would like her to open up and be honest, you also may want to convey that you think she made a serious mistake, and may be penalized for it. It’s not easy to be a concerned parent, counselor, and disciplinarian on the same issue. The best you can do is keep the three as separate as possible in your talk with her. It’s obviously not easy either to remain firm and serious without becoming enraged by a situation like this. That’s why it’s important to think realistic preferences and not to awfulize, should, or rationalize. You can convey the seriousness of such a situation without exploding.

  For the parent who might avoid this situation altogether and deny it happened, rationalization would be the likely type of thinking: “What can I do? I can’t watch her every minute! She has a mind of her own. I just hope they were careful. I guess times have changed. Kids are so different today. I can’t say anything to her; I’d be so embarrassed, I’d die! Maybe just having walked in on them will be enough to get the message across. I’m just not any good at these sort of things.” These kinds of rationalizations are based upon screwball feelings of fear of rejection and of failure, and the irrational belief, “It’s easier to avoid difficult situations than to face and try to solve them.”

  Step 3: How can I challenge my irrational thinking?

  “It is difficult to deal with these kinds of situations, but why is it too difficult? I can’t watch her every minute, but why can’t I at least tell her how I feel, and discuss this matter with her? Is it really easier, in the long run, to avoid facing things? Will I solve anything by not talking to both of them?”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences could I substitute for my irrational thinking (that would help me to deal with this directly)?

  “I’d like to convince myself that it’s OK to avoid this incident, but it’s not. I am responsible as a parent, and I’d better face my responsibility. It’s not embarrassing unless I make it so. Although times have changed, and now I can’t make my daughter follow my rules, I still want her to understand the importance of sexuality—to be more responsible, to know my expectations clearly, and to realize that there are consequences and penalties. I would like her to agree with me—but whether she does or not, I am committed to discussing this with her, and working toward a solution.” With this type of thinking, the rationalizer will be more likely to speak up and take parental responsibility.

  The primary focus of this book is on directing and controlling how we respond inside (what we think), in order to keep people from pushing our buttons. A sequel to this book will focus even more on what to say to the button-pushers. We can of course give a few examples in these chapters of what to say, but they are not at all the only ways to handle the situations. We are convinced, though, that if you can direct and control your awfulizing, shoulding, and rationalizing, and not let the other person get to you, you have a much better chance of handling the situation effectively.

  Sometimes, as a parent, you can upset yourself with your son or daughter’s attitude, as opposed to a specific behavior. Maybe she is becoming incredibly negative about school, or is becoming insensitive, irresponsible, or selfish. Let’s say she is being disrespectful to you.

  You should on her by thinking: “Just who does she think she is? I bend over backwards to make her life easier, and this is the way I get thanked! She should be thankful we let her do anything, with her lousy attitude! If she thinks she can walk around here treating me like dirt, she’s got another think coming. I’ll show her, that brat!”

  You could add a dose of awfulizing by thinking to yourself: “What if this gets worse, and I can’t control her at all? What if she really hates me? What if she’s hanging around with bad kids who are putting these nasty attitudes in her head? That would be horrible! What if she doesn’t change? Oh, Lord!” These thoughts could easily get you overly upset.

  Or, you could rationalize: “Maybe she’s just going through a phase. She’s been under a lot of strain lately. I don’t need to be a mean parent all the time; maybe if I ignore it she’ll stop. She’s really a good kid—I just have to give her some room. There’s really nothing I can do, anyway. I suppose she has to express her feelings somehow, no matter what I and others think.”

  If you are awfulizing and shoulding, you will likely get into a nasty, emotionally agitated fight with your daughter. If you rationalize, you will likely avoid the situation and be miserable—but her behavior will persist.

  Couldn’t you, however, think in terms of realistic preferences?: “I want my daughter to speak respectfully to me. I’d like her to care enough to be decent and sensitive. If she isn’t, it’s not awful, terrible, and horrible. I’m disappointed in her behavior. I’m seriously concerned, and I’m committed to taking action and getting her to change—but I do not have to make myself excessively upset.”

  If you think in this manner, you will likely confront your daughter in a firm, direct, honest (and appropriate) manner. Even if she continues to be obnoxious or defensive, you won’t lose your cool unless you start awfulizing or shoulding on her. Keep thinking in terms of preferences: “I want her to treat me with respect, but if she doesn’t, I don’t have to make myself overly upset. I can’t thoroughly control her, but I can control how I react to her. She doesn’t make me upset, I do—and I can not upset myself, too.”

  You are then free to confront her directly, without contributing to the fight: “Honey, I want to talk with you about your attitude toward me, and how you’ve been acting. I don’t want to argue with you; I want to discuss it with you. This is important.” If she gets defensive, sarcastic, or condescending, confront that immediately—but not with hostility: “Right now I want to talk with you, and you’re acting bored [or defensive]. We can do this two ways: One is to discuss it without any nasty dramatics, and the other is to have a fight. If we fight, you wind up getting punished—and we’ll both be miserable. I’d rather discuss this with you. Will you do that?”

  The ball is now in her court—and if she doesn’t choose to discuss, you’d better be ready to punish her with no shouting on your part. Also, increase the penalties or restrictions if she persists in being rude or disrespectful. How you tell her this will be critical. If you present the options with a tone of voice that sounds like a dare (“OK, sister—you have two choices. . . ”) or as if you are talking down to her (“You’re acting like a child right now!”), you are inviting defensiveness. Again, if you are clear in your mind that you do not have to win the fight, but rather that you want to keep your cool and take appropriate actions, you will not let her push your buttons. As we have said before, though, handling this kind of situation takes lots of practice (and we’re sure you’ll have lots of chances). Over and over remind yourself of your preferences and of your commitment not to lose control by awfulizing or shoulding.

  So many people say, “But, it’s not that easy when it’s your own flesh and blood!” Of course it’s not easy! And because it’s your own flesh and blood, it’s even more important for you to work hard at maintaining self-control. You owe it to yourself and to the kids to keep a grip on yourself, and to show them how to as well. It is harder—and it’s worth it.

  Or is it too hard? It’s easy to rationalize and say, “It sounds great, but—it’s too hard,” or “That’s just not the way it is in real life,” or “I just can’t do it.” If you believe that you can’t do it, you won’t. It is easier to avoid difficult tasks than to face them. It is easier to just make yourself upset, let ’em have it, and storm away. But that does little good in the long run. Changing your thinking requires systematic, diligent effort. But that works—and the long-term payoffs invariably are great for both you and your whole family.

  The Loose Cannon

  Your son is responsible for cleaning his room, feeding and caring for his dog and fish, and keeping the car you just got him for his 16th birthday in good working order. You cannot get the door to his room open, it’s so cluttered in there—and the air around his door has a brownish color to it, like smog. The dog is never fed, and needs a bath. All the fish are gradually going belly-up. And the car has a broken taillight (backed into a fence), a “lost” tailpipe, and 450 pieces of trash on the back seat—including some that seem to be reproducing themselves.

  Step 1: How am I dysfunctionally feeling and acting?

  Extremely angry and resentful because I often clean up after him. Yell at him: “You act like you live in a pigsty! You think the whole world is your garbage can! Don’t you have any sense of responsibility? I knew you wouldn’t take care of your pets like you swore you would! I knew I’d wind up with all the work! Well, I’m tired of being the maid around here. No more, mister!”

  Step 2: What am I irrationally thinking to make myself excessively anxious, angry, depressed, guilty, or behave dysfunctionally?

  a: What am I thinking about myself ?

  “I’m a jerk for being his maid. I should have known he wouldn’t take care of his pets. I’ve got to get him to shape up!”

  b: What am I thinking about the others?

  “He’s so lazy he doesn’t do anything! He just doesn’t care [and he should]! He just glides through the world at everybody else’s expense, that lazy . . . !” He doesn’t have any respect for anybody or anything [and he ought to!].”

  c: What am I thinking about the situation?

  “I can’t live like this anymore. He’s driving me crazy!”

  Step 3: How can I challenge my irrational thinking?

  “Although his behavior and attitude are frustrating, must I make myself crazy? Does he have to care and be responsible, or else I’m a jerk and he’s a creep?”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thinking?

  “I want him to be more responsible and he isn’t, but obviously he doesn’t have to be, or else I can’t stand it. I am disappointed in him, and seriously concerned about his attitude and his behavior—but I can stand it. I am also committed to dealing with him directly and firmly, but without overreacting. I’d like him to appreciate the importance of being responsible and so not taking advantage of others. If he does, that would be wonderful, but if he does not, I will continue to show him that there are consequences to being irresponsible.”

  Thinking realistic preferences will make it possible for you to confront your son with specific examples of his irresponsibility stating what your reasonable expectations are and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t deliver. For example: “When you don’t feed Buster, or pick up the dirty clothes and old food in your room, then either it doesn’t get done at all, or someone else—like me—does it for you, and that’s really frustrating. I’d like you to take that seriously and correct it on your own, because you know what’s right. If you keep on being irresponsible, I’m going to penalize you. For example, if your car is a mess, you can’t drive it. If your room is a mess, you are grounded. If Buster isn’t fed, you don’t get to do something you would enjoy doing [be specific]. I’d much rather see you just take the responsibility and do these few things—and the problem’s solved. But if you don’t take things seriously, there will be real consequences. Let’s see if we can solve this without getting to that point. Is that O, K. with your?”

  If your son gives excuses, or is defensive or nasty, confront him with his behavior: “If I criticize you for not being responsible, and you give me excuses or get nasty, I assume that you are not willing to shape up, and that you think it’s OK to talk to me like that. It’s not. I expect you to talk with me about this in an honest and respectful manner. If you don’t, you’ll be penalized [be specific] for that as well.” If he keeps being obnoxious, penalize him just as you said you would. If not, praise him for knocking it off and showing some real maturity.

  Me, Me, Me!

  One of your children is very protective of her room, her clothes, her things (such as a phone or tablet or bike). She refuses to lend anything to her brothers or sisters, but is always borrowing things from them. When asked to help around the house, she often complains, “That’s not mine. Why should I have to clean it up?” Yet she’s very willing to have others clean up for her.

  Step 1: How am I dysfunctionally feeling and acting?

  Disgusted, sick and tired of her selfish attitude, furious. Tell her what a self-centered snot she’s become; lecture her on what it was like for me as a kid; smack her.

  Step 2: What am I thinking to make myself excessively anxious, angry, depressed, or behave dysfunctionally?

  a: What am I thinking about myself ?

  “I hate it when she’s so selfish! How could I have raised such a mean kid? Is she just imitating me?”

  b: What am I thinking about the others?

  “She’s just become a brat. All she does is whine and manipulate. All she ever thinks of is herself. Everything’s ‘my’ this and ‘my’ that. I’ve raised a greedy, grabby monster!”

  c: What am I thinking about the situation?

  “She’s driving me crazy! It’s a constant battle. It feels hopeless.”

  Step 3: How can I challenge my irrational thinking?

  “She is acting selfishly, but where is it written that she must not be? It is disruptive to the family, but why can’t I bear it? Will it be awful, terrible, and horrible unless I make it so? Will my getting upset and yelling at her make it any better?”

  Step 4: What realistic preferences can I substitute for my irrational thoughts?

  “I’d like her to be more balanced in her giving and taking, but there’s no reason that she has to be. I want her to help other family members more, but I can handle it and lead a happy life if she doesn’t. I expect her to change her attitude and be more willing to share, but it isn’t the end of the world if she doesn’t. I am seriously concerned about her attitude and her behavior, and will keep talking with her without blowing up—although in some cases, I will punish her for acting inappropriately.”