Sábria continued questioning her. She sounded interested and a little less angry, though, and it seemed as though she wanted to hear Ailith’s thoughts on the subject. “There were no guards, and they still didn’t take any soup.”

  “Aye, because as soon as th’ guards left, th’ poxy nobles made a game outta seein’ which ones could piss into th’ pot from th’ backs of their horses, didn’t they? They bet on who could send their piss th’ farthest and still get it into th’ pot.”

  The room was silent for such a long time that Ailith was worried she’d said something wrong. She glanced at Jenx and then over her shoulder at the Commander, who glowered at her and swirled her finger in the air, telling Ailith to turn back around. When she did, she saw that Sábria had lowered her arms and was resting her hands on the desk. She’d crossed her legs, though, a gesture Ailith had seen before when her Priestess was getting a little more relaxed.

  “How would you know that? You weren’t even here when the Seneschal and I tried our experiment.”

  “I listen to ‘em, don’t I? I go up on th’ roofs and listen to ‘em talkin’. Nobody listens to ‘em. Well, Senior Guardian Terrowyn listens to Ghost but nobody else. They ken things, all kinds of things because they’re everywhere, well, maybe not durin’ Festival, but durin’ regular times, they ken things th’ Blades should ken, like whose killin’ who or rapin’ th’ lollies and skellis or even th’ nints, and even if it’s a noble, at least th’ Blades should ken which poxy noble is killin’ and beatin’ and th’ like.”

  “That’s because no one understands gutter cant. And when are you in the Codpiece listening to them?”

  Ailith shrugged, “Sometimes, when I’m off shift with naught to do, I go down there.”

  For the first time, Jenx turned to look at Ailith. When Ailith looked back, she was surprised to see the irate fury radiating off her handler. Jenx opened her mouth to speak, but Sábria held up her hand to stop her. Jenx looked at her and shook her head, “My Lady, I’m obviously not capable of being her⁠—”

  Sábria interrupted with one barked command. “Stop.”

  The Arch Priestess turned a look filled with such meaning on her handler that Ailith glanced between the two, wondering what was going on.

  Jenx still looked angry, but instead of continuing with that train of thought, she looked at the ground and obeyed.

  Ailith narrowed her eyes and stared at Jenx. “Of bein’ me what?”

  Sábria needed to stop that conversation before it ever got started. For all of Ailith’s bravery and outward self-assured demeanor, she was well aware that deep down, she was a scared little girl inside who was neck deep in unchartered waters and paddling as fast as she could to stay afloat. The last thing Ailith needed was for her handler to announce that she could no longer work with her. “That’s a private conversation between Blade Jenx and me, Ailith. Now, don’t change the subject. You’re telling us that you often go into the Codpiece and spend time with the skellis and nints?”

  Ailith continued to stare at Jenx, trying to work out exactly what she meant. Couldn’t be her friend? No, that wouldn’t be it since handlers and shivs weren’t normally friends. Well, Killian and Emlyn were more or less friends, but it was obvious Emlyn wasn’t going to be a shiv for as long as the rest of them. Couldn’t be with Ailith all the time? That’d just be stupid. No handlers and shivs hung out together off-shift.

  Sábria’s voice pulled her out of her head. “Ailith?”

  The tone was peremptory enough that Ailith immediately turned to face her. She focused on the desk, though, because it felt as though a cloud was descending, and whenever that happened, that was all she could focus on. She couldn’t help but scowl as she tried to work out what was bothering Jenx.

  “Ailith.” Sábria waited for her to look up. “We’ve been trying to help the skellis and nints for turns now. We tried a program within the Temple walls to feed and house them, but when we brought them here, if we could get them here, they’d run back as fast as they could into the Codpiece. We renovated one of the warehouses, built private rooms inside, and even had a kitchen and a cook. None of them would come.”

  Ailith nodded distractedly and glanced at Jenx out of the corner of her eye. “Do ya want to stop bein’ me handler, then? ‘Cuz I went into th’ Codpiece without ya?”

  Sábria dropped her chin to her chest. Sometimes, this shiv was too perceptive for her own good.

  Jenx stopped staring at her boots and glared at Sábria instead.

  This really wasn’t the time to deal with this issue, not when Jenx was so stressed, but Sábria knew if she didn’t, Ailith would stew about Jenx leaving to visit her family, believing it was because of something she’d done and not simply because she wanted to see her newest niece or nephew. “Yes, Jenx is angry that you’d go on your own into the Codpiece. As am I. No, she’s not going to stop being your handler. For the most part, the two of you work well together, and I don’t want to break up such a good team. However, she’s asked if she could go visit her family even though she’s concerned about leaving you without a handler. I’ve given her permission to leave for a full moon and will assign you to someone else until she returns.”

  Ailith studied Sábria’s eyes with an intensity that often bothered most people.

  Not Sábria, though. She simply waited patiently for her shiv to see whatever it was she was looking for before they moved on.

  Ailith had gotten pretty good at reading her and decided to take her words at face value and move on. “The skellis and nints didn’t stay in th’ Temple nor th’ warehouse on account of th’ walls. Walls trap ya so ya can’t get away. There’s a tale among ‘em that th’ Blades are gonna sell ‘em to th’ slavers. Don’t know where that got started, but it’s strong with ‘em, and it’ll take a bucket full of work to get ‘em to believe anythin’ else.”

  “Do they trust you?”

  “Not really. Well, more’n they trust th’ rest of th’ Blades or th’ city guards, aye. And they’ve seen what Terro does fer Ghost, and they trust her about as much as they trust me.”

  “If you explained to them that you and Terro were going to bring them food just outside of the frack holes, and there will be Blades around the area to keep them safe, would they trust you enough to take the food from you?” Sábria was getting excited now. She’d tried many times over the turns to help all of the women and children in the Codpiece without success. The skellis and nints didn’t trust anyone, and the lollies were usually so far gone in their Rukilla dust addiction that they didn’t want to leave the Codpiece since that was where they could get their drug of choice.

  Ailith took a moment to think through what Sábria was proposing. “Maybe, but that would let th’ poxy nobles know where to find ‘em. Right now, they don’t look in th’ sewers. Guess they don’t believe ya can live down there.”

  That was a problem Sábria hadn’t thought of, and she glanced to the side, thinking.

  Shirin, who’d had her Blades following the nobles into the Codpiece trying to protect the little ones, spoke up. “We’ve already banned the nobles from the area, but they see it as a game—who can outsmart the Blades and get past us. With the Emperor declaring we can’t punish any foreign nobles during the Festival without his express permission unless they commit a crime against other members of the nobility, our hands have been tied. If I had an extra thirty Blades for the next fortnight at a specific time, say nine bells of the morning for two bells, I could make sure they can’t get past. That way, they wouldn’t see what we’re doing.”

  Ailith thought some more. “I can go down into th’ fracks tonight and get a feelin’ fer what they’d do. Like I said, they’re starvin’ and just might come fer th’ food.”

  Sábria caught and held Jenx’s gaze. “Well, since your handler’s time off begins tonight, I’m going to assign you to Terro for a time.” She turned to Ailith. “The two of you and Commander Shirin can work on the details so we can safely get some food down there.”

  She pushed off the desk, came to stand directly in front of Ailith, and hardened the look in her eyes. When she was sure Ailith was caught in her gaze, she leaned in to make sure she got her point across and lowered her voice to an angry growl. “Now, you need to know that if you ever do something so monumentally stupid as to go into the Codpiece on your own without your handler, I will lay into you so hard you won’t know what hit you, and just so you know, I’m so tempted to do that right now, and you’d better count your blessings that I think you were trying to do the right thing. Do I make myself clear?”

  Instead of coming to attention, pounding her chest and nearly peeing her pants the way most shivs, and most Blades for that matter, would have done when spoken to by the Arch Priestess in that tone, Ailith cocked her head and narrowed her eyes in the typical way she did when she didn’t understand what was happening. “Well, aye, ya make yerself clear, but…yer friend asked me to feed th’ skellis and nints, so I did. I don’t get why yer so toshed.”

  Jenx shocked everyone when she rounded on Ailith, grabbed her tunic with both fists, and pulled her up onto her toes. “Because, you ró múgromin fucking shiv,” Jenx shocked herself when tears came to her eyes, “we’re trying to keep you alive long enough to become a Blade, and I can’t do that if—” She stopped when her voice caught in her throat. She had to wait until she could speak without choking on her words. “I can’t do that if you keep doing things that are going to get you killed one of these days. I’m your fucking handler. I’m the one trying to keep you alive, and if you get killed because you don’t trust me enough to talk to me about the shit for brains things you get into—” the tears were falling now, “then I don’t know if I can handle that.”

  For once, Ailith was shocked into silence. In fact, everyone stared at the Blade, who was known to be one of the calmest, most collected women in the Temple.

  Jenx released Ailith’s tunic and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. When she’d finished, she pulled in a breath, looked at Sábria, and asked, “May I be dismissed, My Lady?”

  Sábria nodded. “I’ll come to your room later so we can chat about a few things, yes?”

  Without saying another word, Jenx nodded and left the room.

  Ailith blew out a breath as she watched her go. Once the door clicked shut, she looked at the Commander, who raised her brows but remained silent. Hoping that Sábria could help clarify things, Ailith slowly turned and, with a confused tilt of her head, shrugged and held her hands out to her sides. “Sometimes, Milady, I have no idea what’s goin’ on. How am I supposed to know all a yer rules when I’ve only been a shiv for about half a turn? I’m no a bairn. I lived in a place like th’ Codpiece when I really was a bairn, and I survived. Sometimes, I think you and Jenx and th’ Commander, mostly all of ya, grew up protected in nice digs or castles or such, and ya look at me like I’m a glass what’s gonna shatter if some asshole comes at me with a scary look in their eyes.”

  Sábria’s stiff posture softened, and she stepped in to pull Ailith into an embrace. She rested her cheek against her hair, closed her eyes, and hugged her very, very hard. When she let go, she held her by the shoulders and spoke with affection shining in her eyes. “Ailith. Don’t you know what that is?”

  Shocked at the embrace, all Ailith could do was shake her head and try to explain just how very confused she was feeling about everything being thrown at her like this. “All I know is whatever it is, it’s fowkin’ confusin’ and frustratin’ th’ shite outta me.”

  Sábria chuckled and stared into Ailith’s eyes, wanting her to really believe what she was about to say. “It’s love, Ailith. You’ve grabbed us by our hearts. Don’t you realize that? Couldn’t you tell that Jenx’s tears were tears of love?”

  Sábria sobered at the astonished look on Ailith’s face. “And, she’s afraid. I don’t know whether you’re aware that one of the first shivs she trained was murdered several turns ago. We have a dangerous job. We try our best to train for any situation, to train you shivs to become full Blades, but we can’t be all places at once. For you to risk yourself so recklessly, seemingly without a care in the world, is, well, to put it honestly, it’s galling.”

  Neither had moved, and since Sábria’s hands still rested on Ailith’s shoulders, she squeezed gently to emphasize her words. “Jenx tries so hard to keep you alive, and you don’t seem to care whether you live or die. I think she’s afraid that the more you work together, she’ll become even more attached than she already is, and if you throw your life away, well, she said it, didn’t she? She said, ‘I don’t know if I can handle it.’”

  Sábria gently grabbed Ailith by the hair on the back of her head and shook it. “You just keep being you, but, for now, I want you checking in with Terro even about what you’re doing on your off-duty time.”

  Ailith opened her mouth to object, but Sábria held up a finger to stop her. “Not because I don’t trust you, but because you’re right. We do come from different worlds and backgrounds, and what we expect our shivs to do and what you think is normal are two vastly different things. Yes, you’ve only been with us a half-turn, and until our understanding of each other’s worlds moves closer together, my worldview is the one that wins.”

  That made sense to Ailith, and she nodded her understanding. “Well, that’s a easy truth, Milady. Ya always win.” She grinned sheepishly at her Arch Priestess. “And, just so ya know. I don’t intend to get killed any time soon. If I think I’m headin’ into trouble, I’ll let Jenx or whoever know. I don’t want everybody angry at me all th’ time. I just—” She pursed her lips and shook her head.

  “You just what?”

  “Nothin’, Milady. It’s fine. I’ll do me best, okay?” When Sábria didn’t acknowledge her words, Ailith looked up and saw the humor back in her eyes. “What?”

  “Have you ever known me to let someone not answer a question and get away with it?”

  It was a well-known fact that Blades were expected to answer every question Sábria put to them, even if it was only, “How’s your day going?” With a sigh, Ailith reluctantly finished her sentence, “I just want to fit in. But I don’t. I’m not like anybody here. I’m always doin’ somethin’ wrong or sayin’ th’ wrong things. Sometimes, I just want to go away and live in a cave where I can just be me.”

  Sábria chuckled and ruffled Ailith’s hair, “Can I come with you?”

  The Commander laughed softly. “Me too?”

  Ailith blushed and shrugged. “I guess everybody feels that way sometimes.”

  The interview was over, and Sábria walked Ailith to the door. “Yes, we do. And whenever it gets too much, you can come talk to me about it, okay? I’m always here for you. Now, you’re late for weapons practice. Tell Prime Geller that I made you late. And for Goddess’s sake, stay out of the Codpiece unless someone, specifically someone of rank, is with you.”

  When Ailith closed the outer door leading into the hall, Sábria let out a long sigh.

  Shirin walked to the conference table where they’d left the wine, topped off their two glasses, and moved to the sofa. “Let’s have a drink, and then, maybe you’d like a massage? Between Lady Farryn, Jenx, and Ailith, it’s been a long day.”

  Sábria held up her hand. “Let’s drink on the way to the Sanctum. That way, I’ll be finished by the time we get there, and you can work your magic on my shoulders. I haven’t been this stiff in a very long time.”

  Shirin spoke while she poured, “I feel bad I didn’t pick up on Jenx’s tension sooner. She’s always so steady, it never occurred to me she might need a break.” She chuckled, “And only after a half a turn. I think that’s a record.”

  “Poor Jenx. If it’s any consolation, I missed it too. We’ve kept our eye on Ailith and completely forgot about the person spending the most time with her.” She took the glass and narrowed her eyes, “But more and more, I get the feeling that Ailith will make an exceptional Blade as long as we can keep her from making too many critical mistakes.”

  Shirin took a sip of wine and savored it a moment, thinking.

  They’d been together for so long, Sábria knew immediately something was on her mind. “What is it? Something about Ailith or about what I said to her?”

  If Shirin didn’t know better, she’d swear there were times when Sábria read her mind. The random clanging of weapons as the Blades warmed up outside gave way to the steady clashing of sword against sword in rhythm to the beating of a drum. They listened to the cadence for a while, occasionally hearing a discordant sound quickly followed by Geller barking out the name of whatever Blade had lost their concentration enough to fall out of cadence with the rest of the group. Finally, Shirin lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “I was wondering about that Dreyuthan breeding program. The one for the berserkers.”

  “What about it?”

  “Is it possible they created warriors whose fear level is much, much less than the normal person? Maybe Ailith doesn’t perceive danger the way we do.”

  Sábria thought for a while before answering, and when she did respond, it was more thinking out loud than giving a definitive answer. “I don’t know. It sounded like the master healer who designed the program was a very bright man who thought through all of the ramifications of his project design. You and I both know that fear is necessary for survival, and I can’t imagine putting so much effort into a program that would produce fearless warriors who are too stupid to know when they’re running into a sure-death experience.”

  Shirin lifted one shoulder, “I suppose so.”

  “That being said, I received a note a while ago from Isobel saying she’d be riding into Sarlogne,” she stopped to calculate the days, “…well, any day now. I think that’s an excellent question to ask her. Knowing that Ailith perceives fear differently than most people would certainly give us another tool to use to help her adjust to surviving as a Blade.”

  The wine was chasing away the stress of the day, and Sábria held her glass upside down to let Shirin know she’d already downed all of the contents.