Can we talk today? Maybe after you get off work?

  He considered pretending he was at the restaurant, as she expected. He felt a little silly that he couldn’t even work. But wondering what was going on in her mind was eating him up inside. If he had the chance to talk to her sooner rather than later, he was going to take it.

  I’m at the beach. Are you free?

  She didn’t respond immediately. He watched all the people who were playing in the surf and the sand or just sunbathing around him, while remembering that first morning, when he and Autumn had gone swimming and she’d let him remove her bikini top. He’d thought he’d been through a lot with Sarah, and he had. His marriage had been a nightmare, especially at the end. But this was, in ways, worse, because he could only accept what Autumn decided. He couldn’t fight for her as he wanted to, not without making things worse for her and her kids.

  Finally, he heard his phone buzz.

  I’m on my way.

  It took fifteen minutes before he spotted her walking toward him wearing a pair of shorts, a tank top, flip-flops, a large-brimmed hat and sunglasses. He wanted to get up and walk toward her—rush to her, actually—but he could tell just by her body language that he’d guessed correctly. She was going to stay with Nick.

  The hard thing was that he couldn’t even blame her. It would be the best thing for her kids.

  He turned his attention back to the sea and kept it there, even when she sat down beside him.

  “You’ve got your work clothes on, and it’s like a hundred and fifty degrees out here,” she said. “What are you doing?”

  “Just thinking.”

  She indicated the towel wrapped around his hand. “What happened?”

  “Nothing big. It’s just a scratch.”

  “Let me see it,” she said.

  He shook his head. “You can’t see it. I taped it closed.”

  “Do you need stitches?”

  “No, I’ll be fine.”

  “You’re sure.”

  He wasn’t sure of anything, but that had much more to do with her than his hand. “Of course. It’s not a big deal.”

  She sighed as she gazed out to sea. “I’m sorry, Quinn,” she said. “I’m so—” her voice broke “—sorry.”

  “I know,” he said. “You tried to tell me Nick could come back. It’s my fault for assuming he wouldn’t.”

  “I quit believing it, too,” she admitted as a tear ran down her cheek.

  “I love you,” he said, suddenly unable to hold the words back. “I know I’ve never told you that before. Seems a little crazy that I would feel that strongly when we haven’t been together very long. But it’s true. For what it’s worth, I love you.”

  She wiped that tear before it could fall from her chin. “I know,” she said. “I love you, too.”

  “Is there no way?” He knew the answer before he asked that question, but he couldn’t help himself.

  She shook her head. “Nick’s a good husband, a good father. And he’s been through hell, through no fault of his own. How can I leave him?”

  Quinn didn’t have an answer for that. “Okay,” he said. “I understand.”

  “I want you to know that...this summer has been the best summer of my life,” she said. “I’ll always remember it—remember you.”

  He sucked in a deep breath to help mitigate the sting of what was happening and so that he’d have the strength to do what he knew he should do: release her. “I won’t be able to forget you, either. But... I want you to let go of whatever you feel for me and give Nick everything you gave him before. Although it kills me to lose you—” he had to clear his throat to be able to keep speaking “—I want you to be happy more than anything else, and I know that’s what it will take. So don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine.”

  Fresh tears appeared, and she sniffed. “We’ll be going back to Tampa soon.”

  His throat grew even tighter. “You’ve already made that decision?”

  “He doesn’t know it yet. But going back is the only way I can do this. I can’t stay here where...where you are, so that will be my only stipulation to...to picking up where we left off.”

  He closed his eyes. This was going exactly as he’d thought it would. “What about Taylor?”

  “She can homeschool there as well as here.”

  “She’ll be willing to leave Sierra?”

  “She won’t like it, but...”

  “Right. Well...tell the kids I’m happy for them.”

  “I will,” she said, and covered a sob as she got up and walked away.

  35

  Autumn sat in the kitchen with her mother at five o’clock in the morning. It was still dark outside. Even the birds weren’t chirping quite yet, but she, Caden and Nick were going to drive home today. The car was already packed, and she planned to wake Nick and Caden soon so they could get an early start—it was a long way. But first she was going to enjoy these last few minutes with her mother.

  “What a summer,” her mother commented, sipping the coffee she’d made for them.

  Autumn turned her mug around and around without lifting it. She didn’t seem to have much of an appetite anymore. “No kidding.”

  “Everything hit at once, but you weathered it beautifully,” she said.

  “Not so beautifully,” Autumn argued. “I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a horse.”

  “Emotionally, you have.”

  “How are things going with Tammy?” They’d discussed having her meet Tammy, and Autumn was interested, but it wasn’t something she’d been willing to take on in the middle of everything else. They were hoping to plan a rendezvous—just the three of them—in Nashville once Autumn felt she had her life on track again.

  “Good. I’m enjoying her.”

  “She’s determined not to let Nora back into her life?”

  “One hundred percent, or I couldn’t have anything to do with her.”

  “You trust her?”

  “I do. Her mother wouldn’t have gone to all that trouble to try to find me if she felt she had an easier way. That must’ve cost her several thousand dollars, and we know she doesn’t have much.”

  “Did you ever find out where she got that money?”

  “Tammy says she must’ve gotten it from her brother. He’s the only one who could or would help her.”

  “So how often are you talking to Tammy these days?”

  “I’ve only spoken to her a few times, but she’s texted me quite a bit. I think she’s excited to have reconnected, and she’s anxious to meet you.”

  “Does she know what’s going on with me?”

  Mary nodded. “I told her. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “No. It’s not a secret. Everyone in Sable Beach knows.”

  “The people in this town do love to gossip.”

  “And Mrs. Vizii is happy to lead the pack now that they’re talking about someone other than her daughter.”

  “She’s immature and frank to the point of rudeness sometimes, but it’s just because she’s hurting.” She leaned to one side, apparently checking to see if Caden was still asleep, and lowered her voice. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing—going back to Tampa?”

  Autumn knew her mother was really asking if she was doing the right thing staying with Nick. “If going back isn’t the right thing, what could be?” she responded, lowering her voice, too.

  “It’s got to be hard for you to leave Taylor behind.”

  It made her sad that her daughter’s high school career had come to an early end, before all the fun activities she would’ve participated in as a senior—especially graduation. But Autumn understood that staying was indeed the best thing for her. At least she hoped it was, and that she and Sierra would be able to take care of the baby on their own, at least until they got their diplomas and would be willing to move back to Tampa or do something else. Mary said she’d help and so would Laurie, if it came to babysitting here and there, but leaving her daughter behind was one of the most difficult things Autumn would ever do.

  But so was leaving Quinn.

  “Taylor made a good case for staying,” she said. “And I know you’ll be here to take care of her, like you’ve always taken care of me.”

  Mary smiled and reached over to cover her hand. “I’m glad you trust me with her—because I will take good care of her. But I’m so worried about you. I don’t think you’ve slept a wink since Nick came home, have you?”

  Autumn twisted around to check for herself that her son was asleep. “It’s been an adjustment,” she said, speaking euphemistically, just in case. “But don’t worry. I’ll stay in close touch, and I’ll come back often. Nick agreed that I can come home whenever I want.”

  “Was that part of your deal?” she asked wryly.

  No doubt her mother had been able to tell how strained things were between them. Nick was sleeping in her bed again—it seemed too cruel to relegate him to a motel when he hadn’t done anything wrong; and it upset their children—but she hadn’t been able to make love to him yet. As long as she “snapped back” to the wife she’d been, he seemed eager to forgive and forget Quinn, which was partly why he was pressing her to resume sexual relations. He needed the reassurance it would provide, so she was counting on the physical aspect of their relationship being easier for her once they got away from Sable Beach and were back in their own house. “With time,” she kept telling him, but she was nowhere near ready. Her heart and her body still longed for Quinn. It had only been a week since she’d spoken to him on the beach, however. She had to give herself more time.

  “This will be the best thing for Caden,” she said. “It’s so hard to change schools when you’re in high school.”

  “Seemed to me, he was okay with it.”

  “But his water polo...”

  “Right. I remember.”

  Autumn pushed her cup away. “Mother, you’re not making this any easier.”

  “I appreciate Nick, honey. I’m grateful for all he’s done. But I don’t see how it can work. You can’t tell your heart who to love.”

  “I loved him once. I can love him again,” she insisted. “I mean, I still do love him—in many ways.”

  Her mother studied her for several long seconds. “No matter what, just know that I admire the kind of character you have and that I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks.” Autumn knew Mary wasn’t convinced, but she was afraid to discuss it any longer for fear she’d wind up letting Nick and her kids down when she was trying so hard not to do that.

  “I’ll get Taylor up so she can say goodbye.”

  “I’ll go get Nick,” Autumn said.

  * * *

  “So...how are you doing?” Mary asked, her voice slightly tinny because she was coming through FaceTime on Autumn’s iPad.

  Autumn wanted to tell her mother that she was doing great, but this had been the hardest three weeks of her life. “Caden is enjoying school. I think it was good that we came back—for his sake.”

  “I’m happy to hear that. But I didn’t ask about Caden.”

  Autumn took a sip of her coffee. It had grown cold while she’d sat at the kitchen table, staring off into space, yet she couldn’t summon the energy to get up and pour herself a fresh cup. She was just glad to be alone—at last—so that she didn’t have to smile and pretend to be okay. “I know.”

  “It’s that bad?”

  She shifted her chair so that she could see Chris’s painting of the little girl carrying a stack of books while leaving a bookstore with her mother and missed Sable Beach more than ever. “I keep telling myself it’ll get better.”

  “But...”

  “It hasn’t so far.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing I can point to. Nick has been home a lot, of course. Trying to acclimate and get reacquainted with me and Caden. He’s been...kind, supportive, understanding and yet...”

  “And yet, you’re still not connecting like you did before?”

  She sighed as she thought back over the past several days. She’d finally given in and had sex with him. She felt too bad turning him away when he wanted to be with her so badly. She’d also thought it might help erase Quinn from her mind. She was desperate to get back to the wife and mother she used to be, so they could be happy as a family again and move on.

  But afterward, as soon as Nick fell asleep, she’d slipped into the bathroom and cried. They’d made love a couple of times since, but it was always a challenge for her—very mechanical and harder each time. “Not yet. But that’s understandable, isn’t it? I mean, he was gone for so long, and...and I’d just gotten over him when he returned.”

  “You’re talking much more frankly than you have so far,” Mary said. “Either you’re getting desperate, or he’s not at home.”

  It was both, but she didn’t want to admit the desperation. “He’s not at home. He left for work an hour ago.” Thank God. With Caden at school and Nick at his new office, she finally had the chance to sink into a chair and just...try to recoup.

  “I thought there wasn’t anything left of his practice. I remember you had to box up his office and bring everything home when his lease ran up.”

  “It didn’t make sense to extend if I couldn’t find him. But he’s rented a new office, and he went there today to contact his former clients and try to get his practice going again.”

  “Picking up after almost two years in a prison cell must be so hard.”

  “He says it’s better than still being stuck in Ukraine,” she said and managed a feeble smile for Nick’s attempt to make light of it. She admired his resilience, recognized how hard he was trying to get back to his old self and wanted things to work between them. It was difficult enough that Taylor was away from the family and pregnant at seventeen. They didn’t need a separation or a divorce on top of that.

  But Autumn couldn’t get her heart on board. It didn’t seem to understand the urgency of falling in love with Nick again and remained stubbornly loyal to Quinn. “How’s Taylor?”

  “Happy. Doing well.”

  “She called me after her doctor’s appointment yesterday, crying.”

  “Because...”

  “She didn’t like the exam.”

  “Those exams are pretty invasive, but we’ve all had them. Well, most women, anyway.”

  “You never had any neonatal exams. I can’t believe you had me without any outside help.”

  “I’m just glad you survived. I think of that night often and realize what a miracle it was.”

  “Have you heard anything else from Nora?”

  “No, I told you I blocked her.”

  “She could call the store.”

  “At which point I would contact the police and get a restraining order against her.”

  Autumn took another sip of her coffee. “How’s it going with Tammy?”

  “We’ve been using Skype so that we can see each other, and we talk almost every day. It’s fun. I shipped her some of your spaghetti sauce, and she loved it. She can’t wait to meet you.”

  They were going to run low on spaghetti sauce this year. What with Nick’s return, she hadn’t finished her summer the way she usually did. Instead, they’d given away any produce they couldn’t eat. “I’m anxious to meet her, too.”

  “Then why not take a break, now that Caden’s in school, and come back? You could see Taylor and meet Tammy at the same time. Tammy’s offered to come here, so that we don’t have to go to her.”

  “And you’re okay with that? With having her come to your house?”

  “It’s taken me some time to build that trust, but yeah.”

  Autumn wanted to agree right away. But...could she go back without breaking down and seeing Quinn?

  Picking up her cell phone, she navigated to her messages and, where her mother wouldn’t be able to see, scrolled to his name. He’d left her alone since she’d said goodbye to him on the beach, hadn’t even tried to call. He was doing his best to respect her wishes. The only thing she’d received from him since she’d left Sable Beach was one simple text message. It had come in yesterday, almost as if he knew how hard she was struggling, and was just a simple heart emoji.

  Tears gathered behind her eyes as she stared at it, and even though she knew she shouldn’t—that it was the worst possible thing she could do given the situation—she couldn’t help texting him back that same emoji.

  “Autumn?” her mother said.

  “What?”

  “Do you want to come meet Tammy?”

  She set her phone down. “When?”

  “In two weeks?”

  Now that the possibility of a visit had been raised, she wanted to come even sooner—today—but she could hold out that long, couldn’t she? “Okay.”

  “Should I schedule your flight?” Her mother sounded relieved.

  “No, I have to talk to Nick about it first. Then I’ll make the arrangements.”

  “I can’t wait,” her mother said. “I hope he’s okay with it.”

  Autumn knew he would probably want to come with her, but she was going to ask him to stay so one of them would be home with Caden. Returning to the place where she grew up, to the sand and the sea and the bird with just one eye, not to mention the bookstore, Aunt Laurie, her mother and Taylor, sounded like a welcome break if not a much-needed escape. Maybe if she went back alone, she could get her feet underneath her again and wouldn’t feel as though she’d left such a huge chunk of herself behind. By leaving Nick in Tampa, she might realize just how much she loved him, and when she came home, be able to give him her whole heart, as he deserved.

  That was what she told herself as she finished the conversation with her mother.

  But she knew, if she happened to see Quinn, the opposite could also prove to be true.