And in those three days he hadn’t come once to work on the Old Town Hall. Nor had he called. When he came to the after-school program to pick up Lily he stayed in his truck.

  Josie tidied up the leftovers from lunch and glanced at the clock. In twenty minutes she had to pick up her grandmother and bring her to her doctor’s appointment. Then she had to rush back to be at the church before the children arrived.

  The men had a job they wanted to finish before they had lunch, so Josie was left waiting, trying not to let her schedule take over her life.

  Too busy, she thought. Too many things on the go.

  What are you trying to prove?

  Silas’s words resonated through her mind and she brushed them aside as quickly as they were formulated. She wasn’t trying to prove anything. She just liked to be involved. To help.

  She put the remainder of the squares she had made for a snack on a disposable plate and wrapped them up with plastic wrap so the men would have something for later.

  One quick glance around the kitchen showed her she was done. She put the garbage in a bag, then headed toward the door. She reached out for the handle just as the door opened toward her. Startled, she jumped back.

  And Silas stepped through the door.

  He looked up just as she caught her balance but not her equilibrium.

  The mere sight of his tall figure, square-jawed features and level brows sent her heart into overdrive.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, putting a note of challenge into her voice.

  Silas’s gaze barely flicked over her, moving past to a pile of tools in the corner of the kitchen.

  “Come to get my tool belt.” He jerked his chin toward the corner.

  “We haven’t seen you around here much,” Josie said as he strode past her, his booted feet echoing on the wooden floor.

  “Been too busy,” he muttered, bending over to pick up his tools.

  “Working on your cabins?”

  “That and other things.” He straightened, his hands clutching his belt, his eyes everywhere but looking at her.

  “Will you be coming again?”

  She wished she could stop. Wished she didn’t care that he wasn’t coming. That he wasn’t talking to her. That he hadn’t called.

  Sure, it was just a kiss, but she wasn’t naive enough to think that a kiss between two people with their history had much innocence attached to it.

  And his kiss had thrown her own world topsy-turvy. She foolishly thought it had moved him as much as it had moved her.

  But there he stood, his weight on one hip, his tool belt swinging from his other hand, looking completely in control of his life and his emotions.

  “I think my work is done here,” he said, his gruff voice creating an unwelcome lilt to her heart.

  But following that, came the anger.

  How like a man to think he could kiss her, woo her, then simply drop out of her life without one word of explanation.

  “I don’t think it is,” Josie said, deliberately keeping her eyes on his. “I don’t think you’re done at all.”

  Silas sighed. “I told you I was sorry. It was a mistake.”

  Why did it hurt the second time even more than the first?

  “How can you say that? You knew full well what you were doing. You’re not an impulsive person.” Josie took a step forward, as if to underline her position.

  Silas shoved his hand through his hair. “Look, this isn’t getting us anywhere.” But as he glanced at her, she caught a glimmer of the emotions she caught in his eyes just before he kissed her the first time.

  “Why aren’t you coming anymore, Silas? Is it because you’re afraid of running into me?”

  Silas swung his tool belt back and forth, back and forth, as if he was thinking. He avoided her gaze as he shook his head.

  “No.”

  His single word gave her a glimmer of hope. “Then why?”

  Back and forth. Back and forth.

  “It’s because…because of Kelly,” Silas said, his eyes downcast, his mouth set in a grim line. “Working here has brought back too many memories of her.”

  Josie felt as if he had hit her with the hammer swinging from his tool belt.

  “I thought you had worked through the grief? I thought you said you were ready to move on.”

  “Guess I wasn’t.” He glanced up at her, then away. “Working here makes me realize…Makes me remember how much it can hurt.”

  Her heart flopped over once, then began pounding in earnest, pushing against her ribs.

  “Don’t you think you need to remember the stories, even if they hurt?” Josie asked.

  Part of her wanted to let go. To let Silas molder in his own grief.

  But she had hoped that exorcising the memories meant working through them. She had hoped this would allow him to move on.

  “Hiding away from your memories, pushing them down will only make them stronger and twist them into something evil and wrong.” Josie gave her words a chance to settle. “You can face the memories with God’s help. He is a father who loves us and His love is eternal. Before Kelly and you and I were even here, God’s love was and is here.”

  Silas dropped his tool belt with a thump and took a step toward her. “Why do you care so much? Why does what I have to deal with matter to you?”

  Josie swallowed at the emotions he rained down on her.

  “What do you know about loss?” His words pounded at her. “What do you know about how much reliving the memories can make you afraid?”

  Josie’s frustration built, pushing at her defenses. Finally she could hold back no longer. “How dare you say that? You don’t have a corner on grief or pain. I lost a dearly beloved sister and a brother-in-law. I lost both my parents when I was young. I live with a bitter, selfish woman whom I can’t leave now because she needs me.” The words and pain spilled out of her and she couldn’t stop their onrushing flow. “Don’t tell me I don’t know about grief and grieving. Or about living with the consequences of loving someone. Every day I’m trying to please a woman who can’t be pleased. A woman who is sucking the life out of me and my niece. A woman who won’t let me forget who I once was. A woman I wanted to get away from but can’t because this lousy tornado spun my life completely around and took away my last bit of independence from her.” Josie’s throat thickened on the last words and she stopped, pressing her hand against her lips as if trying to hold back anything else that might spill out. She had never told anyone how she felt about her grandmother and the influence she had on her life. She had been reminded enough times how unselfish her grandmother had been, taking her and her sister in.

  And how unlike that Josie was.

  “So leaving is the only way you can think of getting away from her?”

  “I told you what I’ve had to live with.”

  Silas shook his head. “You accuse me of ignoring the past. I think you’ve spent too much time there. I think you need to move on in your mind before you do anything else. I think if you move now, you’re just running away again.”

  “I know what I am, Silas.”

  “Maybe I know what I am. Maybe I also know what I can and can’t take. What I dare risk.”

  The silence between them lengthened, and Josie felt the weight of their words.

  Silas’s steady gaze locked on hers. Then he spoke. “Are you still thinking of leaving?”

  Josie returned him look for look, trying to keep up with his sudden switch in the conversation, wondering if he had even heard what she said.

  “Why do you care about my plans,” she shot back. “They obviously won’t affect you one way or the other. You won’t give me anything to go on.”

  “I can’t.”

  Josie blew out a sigh of exasperation. “Can’t, or won’t?”

  “I can’t deal with the grief. Losing Kelly hurt so much. I loved her.”

  “Grief is the price we pay for love,” she said, her anger interrupting him. “But it’s worth the cost. Yes, loving hurts, and I’m sure the memories of your wife can hurt, and it might be simpler to keep them buried. But I’d sooner cry and feel and grieve and maybe live in the past too much. But at least I live my life and I don’t shut myself off from other people and from God the way you have and the way you have from your little girl.”

  And the way you have from me, she wanted to add, but didn’t dare. She couldn’t take the chance of letting him know how much she cared for him.

  Letting him know how much he had come to mean to her.

  “You don’t understand.” His expression softened and he brushed his finger over her cheek, stroking away the tear she hadn’t even known she had shed.

  She wanted to pull away, but expectation hovered between them, full of promise.

  “Why don’t you let me try?”

  He pulled in a long, slow breath as a smile trembled on his lips. “You scare me, you know.”

  “And you scare me.” She took a step nearer, letting him know that she understood.

  She knew what he was going to do. Her senses heightened, and she couldn’t move away.

  “Josie.” Her name came out on an anguished whisper. Then he bent his head and kissed her again.

  Josie’s world tilted and spun, her anger melting away like frost before the sun. She caught him by the shoulder and kissed him back.

  Kissing him, being held by him, felt good and right and true. Josie moved and laid her head in the hollow of his shoulder and closed her eyes. He held her close, his head bent over her.

  Josie opened her eyes, her heart battling with her mind. She shouldn’t have let him kiss her nor should she have kissed him back.

  But it felt so right.

  You’re leaving. You have your plans.

  But she didn’t want to think about her plans. She wanted to cling to the hope that their kisses had created.

  Did she dare rearrange her life around a possibility? Did she dare think things would change between her and her grandmother?

  Her doubts and fears made her pull away and be the first, this time, to break the connection.

  He looked at her, his expression puzzled.

  “We shouldn’t have done that,” she said.

  He blinked, as if coming back to earth, then he nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair to Kelly.”

  In spite of her own second thoughts, his words sent an arrow of pain through her heart. It was still all about Kelly. Self-pity and confusion loomed ahead of her, and Josie tried to beat the emotions away. She couldn’t let herself enter that place. If she did, who would pull her out?

  She was all alone now.

  “I gotta go,” he muttered.

  Then he was striding away from her, each step he took keeping time to the pounding of her heart.

  Josie found her way home, her heart and mind battling, neither gaining ground.

  “Is that you, Josie?” her grandmother called out as Josie stepped into the house. “You took your time, didn’t you?”

  Josie closed her eyes and leaned against the door, praying for patience. Her emotions had gone through turmoil. She had opened her heart to the possibilities of Silas and her, but reality had shattered the fragile dream. Silas still loved his wife. His perfect and loving wife who had never done anything wrong. Who was nothing like Josie Cane.

  Why had she allowed herself to fall into the dream? She’d had her life mapped out, her plans made.

  “The doctor called,” Betty said as she rolled her chair into the kitchen. “Cancelled the appointment. So you don’t have to cart me around. I know you don’t want to, in spite of everything I’ve put up with from you.”

  Josie looked at her grandmother, and as her bitterness came at her, she remembered Silas’s words about letting her grandmother bring up her past. She didn’t have to put up with it. And in spite of what had just happened between her and Silas, she felt the assurance of his belief that her grandmother had no right to judge her. That in Christ, she was a new creature.

  She felt strength and determination course through her as she walked to the telephone. She picked it up, dialed her friend’s number in Ohio and turned to look at her grandmother.

  “Hey, Anne, Josie here. You still got room in your apartment? Great.”

  Betty’s face grew red, but Josie kept her focus on what she needed. What Alyssa needed. There was nothing for her here. Except Nicki. But she couldn’t stay simply for her friend’s sake.

  As she and Anne made plans, one part of her mind slipped over her friends here in High Plains. She thought of the good times she’d had the past few years and her determination wavered.

  But when she thought of facing Silas, who couldn’t forget his wife, she knew she couldn’t stay. Not anymore.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Silas threw his pouch onto the porch floor, kicked off his boots and stormed into the kitchen.

  What had he been thinking? What had he done?

  Kissed Josie Cane again, that’s what he’d done.

  He dropped one hip against the counter as he dragged his hands over his face.

  He thought staying away from her would have eased the ache in his gut whenever he thought of her. Would ease the awful emptiness that had taken over his life.

  But what did he do mere minutes after seeing her again? After listening to a mini lecture about life and pain and grief?

  He kissed her.

  She didn’t ask him to. Didn’t invite it. After his little lecture about missing Kelly and the pain of loving, he made the first move down a path that could only cause him more pain.

  Why not take a chance? Why not take a risk? She feels the same way about you.

  Silas wished he could still the voice in his head. He had spent the past few days trying to still the optimistic thoughts.

  Loving Kelly had brought him pain.

  But it also brought you joy.

  He wasn’t putting himself through that again.

  And what about the loneliness? The times you miss having someone around?

  Silas slammed his hand on the countertop. “I can’t face it again.”

  The sound of his voice echoed through the kitchen and for a moment he felt utterly foolish. This was how bad things were getting. He was talking to himself.

  Even worse, he had lied to Josie. When he had held her in his arms he had felt as if love was a possibility in his life again. As if a future might contain light and hope and a woman he could love.

  Then fear had made him hide behind Kelly, and he had let Josie think he couldn’t come to care for her because of Kelly. Yes, he still loved his wife, but that was the past. Not the future.

  Silas pushed himself away from the counter and strode out of the kitchen. He took the stairs two at a time, pulled off the clean shirt he had put on just to go to town and tossed it into a corner.

  He needed to get to work. To keep going. To keep at bay all thoughts of Josie. To silence the voices. To remind himself that he’d had a wife and that he’d shared enough with Kelly. Enough happiness and enough sorrow.

  As he pulled open his dresser drawer his eyes fell on the picture Lily had given him for his birthday. The picture of Josie Cane laughing at the camera.

  Her smile and the sparkle of mischief in her eyes slowed his hands as he pulled a shirt out of the drawer.

  Forget it. Just keep going. Remember Kelly.

  But he dropped the shirt and picked up the picture, looking at it more closely. And layered over his previously raging emotions came a vague sense of peace.

  And a long-forgotten feeling that was a potent mixture of attraction, yearning and…love?

  He pushed the emotion down. No. He couldn’t.

  Josie was quickly becoming too important to him and to his daughter. He felt as if each minute he spent with her put another hook into his heart.

  The tearing away would be more than he could bear.

  Yet he traced her features, wondering. She hadn’t denied that she was leaving. And in spite of his brave words to her, he didn’t blame her. As long as her grandmother had a hold over her, Josie couldn’t let go of the past.

  His own feelings were a morass of confusion and grew deeper each time he saw her. If he didn’t stop this, it would only cause more hurt in the end.

  But what end?

  What lay ahead for him and his daughter? More lonely days?

  His mind skipped over the times he and Lily had spent with Josie and Alyssa. The last time had held a feeling of completeness. Of a family.

  Silas dropped onto the bed, setting Josie’s picture aside. He was at a crossroads in his life, unsure which way to turn. He wanted safety and he yearned for peace. But staying away from Josie had only increased the raging thoughts spinning through his head.

  He wanted to be a faithful husband and he had been. But was coming to care for Josie denying his love for his wife? Denying the memory he’d only lately begun to explore?

  His eyes fell on the Bible lying beside his bed. It had once belonged to Kelly. He wondered what she would think of Josie. Wondered if she would approve.

  Was he being disloyal to his wife? Was he wrong to acknowledge his changing feelings for Josie?

  His head tightened with questions and confusion. Wouldn’t he be better off to keep to himself? To keep his heart whole and his life uncomplicated?

  He’d been married. He’d been in love. Kelly had been a good and faithful wife. Many men don’t experience that even once in their lifetime.

  But if Josie didn’t return his feelings all his questions were just dust in the wind.

  Silas reached across the bed and took the Bible off the end table. He thought of a passage he had read the other day when he couldn’t sleep. When his mind was tossed between his changing feelings for Josie and his changing feelings for his wife’s memory.

  He flipped open the Bible to the bookmark and began reading.

  “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.”