drawing out multiple, 185–86, 187, 193, 232–33

  exploring, 30, 229

  identity threats and, 209

  social, 173–76, 177–78, 180

  identity threats, 209–10, 213–14, 216

  Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 110

  inclusion coaches, 202

  injustice, systemic, 169

  instrumental support, 270n117

  integrative behavioral couples therapy, 154, 275n149

  interest-based bargaining, 53, 74

  interruptions, 73

  intersectionality, 279–80n176

  interviewing, motivational, 194–96

  invitations, 71, 72–73, 74

  Iran hostages, 53

  ISIS, Christians and, 188–94

  J

  Jacoby-Senghor, Drew, 208–9

  Jeffcoat, Melanie, 131–33, 135–36, 139–41, 146–47, 155, 157–58, 159–60

  jokes, 15, 22, 54, 74

  Journal of Communication, 21

  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100

  jury example, 37–40, 49–52, 53, 55–57, 61–66, 74

  K

  Kahler, Taibi, 271n120

  Kahneman, Daniel, 59

  Karney, Benjamin, 150, 152–53, 275n149

  Kennedy, John F., 227

  kitchen sinking, 153

  L

  laughter, 112–15, 117

  Lawler, Jim, 3–7, 8, 23–28

  leading, 270n117

  learning conversations, xviii, 29–33, 245

  Lévis, Pierre-Marc-Gaston de, 102

  LGBTQ community, 225

  Lieberman, Matthew, 20

  listening. See also questions

  deep questions and, 163

  importance of, 77

  proof of, 141–43, 154, 166

  Livingston, Robert, 211

  localization of brain function, 256n18

  logic of appropriateness, 260n58

  logic of consequences, 260n58

  logic of costs and benefits, 58–59, 61, 63–64, 74

  logic of similarities, 58–59, 61, 74

  looping for understanding, 142–45, 154, 158, 164–65, 166

  Lorde, Audre, 169

  Lorre, Chuck, 104–8, 124, 129–30

  Love Shrinks, 148, 154

  M

  Malhotra, Deepak, 45–47

  Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, 135, 140

  marriage, conflict in, 147–53

  Marriage and Close Relationships Lab, 150

  Marsden, John, 237–38, 239–40, 241–42

  Marshall Plan, 53

  matching principle, 22, 66–67, 94, 113–14, 122, 154

  math tests, gender stereotypes and, 178–86

  Max Planck Institute for Human Development, 10

  Maynard, Douglas, 258n37

  McGuire, Terence, 108–9, 111–12, 118–23

  medial frontoparietal network (MFPN), 256n20

  Melinat, Ed, 90

  microaggressions, 284n201

  mindset

  decision-making, 18–19, 21

  emotional, 19, 21

  empathetic, 59–60

  practical, 57–58, 59, 61, 63

  social, 20–21

  understanding, 67

  mirroring, 270n117

  miscommunication, 21

  mishearing, 80–82

  mood, energy and, 115–18, 119, 122, 163–64

  motivational interviewing, 194–96

  Motta, Matt, 177

  Mousa, Salma, 189–93

  musicians, 10

  Myers, Vernā, 206, 217–19, 221, 223–24, 227, 289–91

  N

  NASA, 108–9, 110–12, 118–23

  National Institutes of Health, 178

  needs, identifying, 165

  negotiations

  conclusion of, 61–63

  quiet, 41, 48, 52, 54–55, 60, 71

  Netflix, 198–202, 204–6, 209, 217–27

  Netflix Culture Deck, 200, 206, 218

  neural alignment, social status and, 255n14

  neural coupling, 10

  neural entrainment, xv, 11–12

  neural simultaneity, 11

  Newseum, 140, 143–44, 147

  nonlinguistic emotional expressions, 106–7, 108, 119–20, 163

  nonverbal behaviors, 107, 108, 116–18, 119

  nucleus accumbens, 19

  O

  obstacles, thinking about and planning for, 229–30

  online communication, 155–59, 167–68

  P

  pacing, 270n117

  Parkland, Florida, school shooting, 135, 140

  Patton, Bruce, 52

  paying attention, 30

  permission, asking for, 165

  perspective getting, 88

  perspective taking, 86–88

  persuasion, 57–61

  Pettigrew, Brittany Walker, 158

  polarization, 134

  politeness, online communication and, 168

  power imbalances, 176–77

  practical mindset, 57–58, 59, 61, 63

  Prady, Bill, 104–8, 124–25, 127, 129

  prejudices. See also bias; diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts; race and ethnicity, conversations about

  attempts to reduce, 202–3, 224

  quieting, 178–83

  preparation, 69–71

  Preston, David, 144–45

  Private School Negro, 206

  Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, The, 10

  Process Communication Model, 270–71n120

  prostate cancer example, 43–49, 59–60

  Provine, Robert, 112–14, 118

  Q

  Qaraqosh, Iraq, 188–94

  questions. See also listening

  deep, 162–63

  emotional conversations and, 81–82

  failure to ask, 46–47, 48–49

  follow-up, 98–99

  guidelines for, 231

  impact of, 15

  introducing new, 54

  in jury example, 51

  knowing what to ask, 96–97

  motivational interviewing and, 194–96

  open-ended, 47–48, 53, 55, 63, 71–72, 195

  power of, 83–88

  quiet negotiations and, 71

  reframing, 97–98

  right, 88–90

  shallow, 72, 90, 91, 92, 96, 97, 99

  sharing goals and, 69, 71–72

  quiet negotiations, 41, 48, 52, 54–55, 60, 71

  Quinerly, Toni Harris, 290n224

  R

  race and ethnicity, conversations about, 199, 202, 204–6, 211–15

  rational conversations, 60

  Reagan, Ronald, 109

  receptiveness, conversational, 274n143

  reciprocal vulnerability, 165–66

  reciprocity

  closeness and, 264n93

  emotional contagion and, 94

  follow-up questions and, 98–99

  identity and, 188

  joy of, 99–101

  looping for understanding and, 164–65

  red flag laws, 157–58

  Reed, Leroy, 37–40, 49–52, 55–57, 61–66

  responsiveness, 264n93

  Richardson, Daniel, 252n10

  Ripley, Amanda, 143, 273n142

  Rosenbloom, Jay, 171–73, 176–78, 182–83, 186–87, 194–97

  rules, quiet negotiations and, 41, 52, 54

  S

  Sanchez, Kiara, 210–11, 215, 216, 224, 287n212, 288n214, 289n217, 289n218

  Sanchez, Parker, 201

  Sarandos, Ted, 225, 226

  Sarrouf, John, 135–36, 140, 143, 273n142, 274n145, 276n155, 276–77n156, 277n160

  SAT scores, college grades and, 179–80

  Schirra, Wally, 110–11

  school shootings. See gun violence

  self-concept maps, 185–86

  self-monitoring, high, 255n15

  Sexton, Bethany, 268n108, 270–71n120

  shallow questions, 72, 90, 91, 92, 96, 97, 99

  Shaw, George Bernard, xv

  shootings. See gun violence

  Sievers, Beau, 8–10, 12–13, 16–17, 256n21

  Sigala, Felix, xi–xiv

  similarities

  logic of, 58–59, 61, 74

  looking for, 233

  Slepian, Michael, 208–9, 287n211

  soccer, 188–94

  Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 9

  social conversations, xvii, 18, 20–21, 27, 169. See also Who Are We? conversations

  social identities. See also identity

  defined, 174

  divisions and, 173–76

  influence of, 177–78, 180

  salience of, 176

  social isolation, dangers associated with, 243

  social justice movements, 169

  social mindset, 20–21

  Social Psychology and Personality Science, 209

  social status, neural alignment and, 255n14

  Spencer, Steven, 181

  spouses, conflict and, 147–53

  Stanley, Scott, 148, 154–55

  Steele, Claude, 179–83

  stereotype threat, 182–83, 203

  stereotypes

  counteracting, 183–88

  impact of, 178–83

  surveillance, active, 43–45

  symmetry, impact of, 21–22

  synchronization, 10, 11–13, 21

  systemic injustice, 169

  T

  “talk table” approach, 275n150, 276n151

  tests, gender stereotypes and, 178–86

  themes, introducing new, 54, 55

  Thinking Fast and Slow (Kahneman), 59

  Thomas, Dorothy, 134

  time limits, impact of on test scores, 180

  Tom Segura: Disgraceful, 198–99

  topics, changing, 68–69, 74

  tribalism, 174–77

  Trump, Donald, 159

  trust

  connection and, 169

  lack of, 272n135

  social identities and, 176

  turn-taking, 93–94

  U

  unconscious bias, 203, 221

  understanding

  finding mutual, 137

  as goal, 167

  looping for, 142–45, 154, 158, 164–65, 166

  “Ungame, The,” 89–90

  Ury, William, 52

  V

  vaccinations, 171–73, 176–78, 194–97

  valence, 115, 117–18

  Vietnam War, 53

  vulnerability

  deep questions and, 162

  double standards and, 95

  importance of, 90–91, 92–93

  questions and, 97–98, 101

  reciprocal, 165–66

  W

  Waldinger, Robert, 240, 242

  Walton, Greg, 223, 290–91n225