Dedication

  Thanks to Katie Fishcher and Reid Heicklen

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1. Don’t Know Much about Geography

  2. A Real Globetrotter

  3. The Mystery of Mr. E

  4. Less Is More

  5. International Day

  6. The Truth about Mrs. Barr

  7. Being Frank with Dr. Brad

  8. What’s in Mrs. Barr’s Suitcase?

  9. The Big Surprise Ending

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Back Ad

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  My name is A.J. and I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about the Great Lakes.

  What makes the Great Lakes so great? That’s what I want to know. If you ask me, lakes shouldn’t brag. If they were really great, they wouldn’t have to talk about how great they are all the time. What about the other lakes? Don’t they feel bad because they’re not great? Is there a Not-So-Great Lake?

  Anyway, it was a perfectly normal Monday at Ella Mentry School. In other words, there was nothing normal about it. I hung up my coat in my cubby. That’s when my teacher Mr. Cooper came flying into the room. He tripped over somebody’s backpack and did a face-plant into the garbage can.

  “I’m okay!” he said as he took the can off his head. Then we pledged the allegiance and did Word of the Day.

  “Should we turn to page twenty-three in our math books?” asked Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair.

  “No,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “Are we going to do silent reading?” asked Andrea’s crybaby friend, Emily.

  “No.”

  “Science?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “No.”

  “Can we go home?” I asked. I figured it was worth a shot.

  “No,” replied Mr. Cooper. “Today, we’re going to do something different.”

  Uh-oh. I didn’t like the sound of that. Different is scary. You never know what’s gonna happen. Different could be good, or it could be bad.

  “What are we going to do?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “This morning,” said Mr. Cooper, “we’re going to see a slideshow.”

  Noooooooooooooooo!

  Not a slideshow! Anything but a slideshow! Slideshows are super boring. I’d rather jump into a volcano wearing a pink tutu than watch a slideshow.

  “I’m going to show you pictures of my trip to Spain,” said Mr. Cooper.

  Noooooooooooooooo!

  Mr. Cooper went to Spain to visit his sister. We had a sub for a week while he was gone.

  He turned on his computer and plugged it into the smartboard.

  “Oh, you’re going to like this,” he told us. “Spain was amazing. I was like a fish out of water.”

  Huh? What did fish have to do with anything?

  “Here’s me at the Royal Palace in Madrid,” Mr. Cooper said when his first slide flashed on the screen.

  “Ooooh, it’s beautiful!” said Andrea, who thinks everything is beautiful.

  I was already feeling drowsy. I felt my eyelids getting heavy.

  “Here’s my sister at a church in Barcelona,” said Mr. Cooper.

  I was fighting off sleep.

  “Here’s a man playing guitar outside the walled city of Toledo,” he continued.

  Zzzzzzzzz.

  “Here’s my sister at a fruit market.”

  What a snoozefest!

  “Here’s my sister at a bullfight,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “Bullfights are cool,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “I think bullfighting is cruel to animals,” said Andrea. “I don’t approve of violence.”

  “What do you have against violins?” I asked her.

  “Not violins, Arlo! Violence!”

  I was just yanking Andrea’s chain. I know the difference between violins and violence.

  Mr. Cooper’s PowerPoint torture went on for a million hundred minutes. He went over to a big map on the wall.

  “Who can find Spain on the map?” he asked.

  Andrea waved her hand in the air like she had to go to the bathroom really badly.

  “How about you, A.J.?” asked Mr. Cooper. “Can you point to Spain?”

  I didn’t know where Spain was. But I got up and went over to the map.

  “Here?” I asked, pointing to some big area near the bottom.

  “That’s Antarctica,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “Here?” I asked.

  “That’s Greenland,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “Here?”

  “That’s Australia!”

  Mr. Cooper rubbed his forehead.

  “Ooooooohhhh!” groaned Andrea. “I know where Spain is!”

  Mr. Cooper called on her. She went up and pointed to some area near the middle of the map.

  “That’s right!” said Mr. Cooper. “Very good, Andrea.”

  Andrea went back to her seat, smiling the smile that she smiles to let everybody know she knows something nobody else knows. Why can’t a truck full of maps fall on Andrea’s head?

  “Okay,” said Mr. Cooper. “Who can find China?”

  Andrea was the only one with her hand in the air. All the rest of us stared at the floor. If you don’t know the answer to a question, stare at the floor so the teacher won’t call on you. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “It’s right here!” Mr. Cooper said, pointing at the map. “How about Turkey? Can anybody other than Andrea find Turkey?”

  That’s a ridorkulous question. Why would a turkey be on a map? Was somebody using the map as a dinner plate? We all stared at the floor.

  “How about Greece?” asked Mr. Cooper. “Where’s Greece?”

  “Is it turkey grease?” asked Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.

  “Somebody should clean that map off,” I said. “It’s making me Hungary.”

  Only a few kids laughed at my hilarious joke.

  “How about Africa?” asked Mr. Cooper. “Surely, you can find that. It’s a very large continent!”

  I know what a continent is. That’s when you poop your pants. But it would have been rude to say that out loud.

  “I can point to Africa!” shouted the Human Homework Machine.

  “How about you, Emily?” asked Mr. Cooper.

  Emily looked nervous as she went over to the map. She pointed at a continent.

  “That’s not Africa!” said Mr. Cooper. “That’s South America!”

  I thought Emily might cry. Mr. Cooper rubbed his forehead again.

  “This is basic geography, you guys!” he said. “Can anybody find Russia? Germany? Finland?”

  I raised my hand.

  “Yes, A.J.?”

  “I can’t find them on the map,” I said. “But if you’re Russian to the bathroom, and you’re German before you wash your hands, and you’re Finnish when you leave, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?”

  “I give up,” said Mr. Cooper. “What are you?”

  “You’re a-peein’!” I shouted. “Get it? You’re a-peein’?”*

  Mr. Cooper rubbed his forehead and mumbled something under his breath about early retirement.

  I thought that was the end of our geography lesson. But it wasn’t! The next day, we were in the middle of silent reading, and guess who walked through the door.

  Nobody! You can’t walk through a door! Doors are made of wood.

  But our principal, Mr. Klutz, walked through the doorway. He has no hair at all. I mean none. He can probably wax his car and his head at the same time.

  “Mr. Cooper told me you kids are having trouble with geography,” said Mr. Klutz. “So I said he could bring in someone to help you learn about it. Mrs. Barr, will you come in, please?”

  A lady came into the classroom. She had bracelets and necklaces dangling all over her, and she was wearing a dress that looked like a map of the world. In one hand she was holding a basketball, and the other hand was pulling a suitcase.

  “Hello!” she said cheerfully. “Bonjour! Hola! Guten Tag! Shalom!” She said some other words I never heard before.

  “All those words mean hello in other languages,” said Mr. Cooper. “I met Mrs. Barr when I was in Spain. She’s visiting our country, and she agreed to come talk to you.”

  “Do you mind if I open a window?” asked Mrs. Barr. “It’s a little stuffy in here.”

  “Go right ahead,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “Mr. Cooper tells me you’re a real globetrotter,” Mr. Klutz said to Mrs. Barr.

  “Is that why you have a basketball?” I asked.

  “Not that kind of globetrotter, dumbhead!” whispered Andrea, rolling her eyes.*

  “Oh, this isn’t a basketball,” Mrs. Barr told me. “It’s a globe. Yes, I’ve been all over the world. I’ve visited a hundred and ninety-five countries.”

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Mrs. Barr has generously offered to spend this week at our school,” said Mr. Klutz. “And she isn’t charging us a penny. She’s doing this out of the goodness of her heart. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  We gave her a round of applause. That’s what you’re supposed to do when people do nice things for free.

  “I just love geography,” said Mrs. Barr. “I am at your disposal.”

&n
bsp; “You’re a garbage can?” I asked.

  “Arlo!” shouted Andrea. “That’s not nice!”

  “Why do you have a suitcase?” Michael asked Mrs. Barr.

  “I never know when I might want to travel somewhere,” she replied. “I like to be ready at all times. So I take it wherever I go.”

  “Do you take it when you go to the bathroom?” I asked.

  “Yes!” she replied.

  “How about in the shower?” asked Ryan. “Do you take your suitcase in the shower with you?”

  “Well, no,” she replied with a laugh. “I don’t take it in the shower.”

  It would be weird to take a shower with a suitcase.

  “Your necklaces are pretty!” said Andrea.

  “Thank you!”

  Andrea and Emily were oohing and aahing over Mrs. Barr’s jewelry.

  “I got these necklaces on a trip to China,” she said. “China is amazing. And I got this bracelet when I was visiting India. India is amazing. And I got these earrings in Brazil. Brazil is amazing!”

  I still can’t believe that people poke holes in their ears and stick stuff in them. I don’t care what anybody says. That’s just weird.

  “Isn’t travel amazing?” asked Mrs. Barr.

  “Yes!” shouted all the girls.

  “No!” shouted all the boys.

  Mr. Cooper told us that Mrs. Barr speaks seven languages: English, Spanish, Turkish, Yiddish, Polish . . .

  “Can you speak gibberish?” I asked.

  “That’s not a language, dumbhead!” said Andrea, rolling her eyes. I wish her eyes would roll right out of her head.

  “Have you ever been to Egypt?” asked Neil.

  “Oh yes!” Mrs. Barr replied. “I went inside the pyramids. It was amazing!”

  Mrs. Barr thinks every place she goes is amazing. She probably thinks it’s amazing when she goes to take out the garbage.

  I don’t get it. What’s the big deal about going places? Why would you want to go someplace when you can stay home?

  Going places is a drag. You have to go to the airport, take your shoes off, put your shoes on again, and sit around waiting for the plane to take off. Then you have to sit on the plane for a million hundred hours. Then, when you finally get to the place you’re going, your parents drag you to a bunch of museums and other boring stuff.

  Do you know what I think about as soon as I get to the place I’m going? I think about when I can go home. I’d rather just stay home in the first place.

  “I love traveling!” said Andrea, who loves everything I hate.

  “Me too,” said Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says.

  “Traveling allows you to experience other cultures,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “Other cultures are boring,” I said.

  “You get to try new foods,” said Mr. Cooper.

  “New foods are yucky,” I said.

  “Don’t you want to become a well-rounded person, Arlo?” asked Andrea.

  “I’d rather be a triangle,” I told her.

  “Well, by the end of the week,” said Mrs. Barr, “I think you’re going to change your mind. And you kids are going to learn lots about geography.”

  This was going to be the worst week in the history of weeks.

  We were in Mr. Cooper’s class that afternoon, working on a boring writing exercise.

  “Pencils down,” said Mr. Cooper. “It’s time for fizz ed.”

  Yay! Fizz ed is my favorite subject. We walked a million hundred miles to the gym.

  “Do you think we’ll have relay races today?” Neil asked as we walked down the hall.

  “Maybe we’re going to climb the ropes,” said Ryan.

  Our fizz ed teacher is Miss Small. One time, she fell out of a tree and broke her leg.*

  When we got to the gym, we saw the weirdest thing in the history of the world. There was a giant map that covered the whole floor! And the gym is big.

  “What’s up with the map?” I asked Miss Small.

  “We have an exciting activity today,” she replied.

  And you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! It would hurt if you walked into a door. Didn’t we go over that in chapter two?

  But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway. It was Mrs. Barr! She had her globe and suitcase with her.

  “Do you mind if I open a window?” she asked.

  “Go right ahead,” said Miss Small.

  “What’s our activity?” asked Alexia.

  “We’re going on a globetrotting adventure,” said Mrs. Barr.

  “We’re gonna play basketball?” I asked. “Cool!”

  “Not that kind of globetrotting, dumbhead!” Andrea told me.

  I was going to say something mean to Andrea, but I didn’t have the chance because Mrs. Barr and Miss Small led us over to a part of the giant map. We were standing on the United States.

  Mrs. Barr gathered everybody around her like a football team in a huddle. She lowered her voice as if she had a big secret.

  “There’s something fishy going on,” she whispered.

  Huh? Why is everybody always talking about fish?

  “An international jewel thief named Mr. E is on the run,” Mrs. Barr whispered. “We’ve got to catch him.”

  “How are we going to do that?” asked Emily.

  “He left a series of clues that will tell us where he is,” whispered Mrs. Barr. “Look! There’s the first clue!”

  She went over and picked up a piece of yellow paper that was taped to the floor. She unfolded it and showed it to us . . .

  I AM HIDING OUT NEAR A CLOCK CALLED BIG BEN.

  —Mr. E.

  “Big Ben is in London!” shouted Alexia.

  “That’s right!” said Mrs. Barr. “Let’s go to England!”

  “We’ll have to swim across the Atlantic Ocean,” said Miss Small. “Everybody get down and swim!”

  We all got down on the floor and pretended to swim across the ocean. It’s hard to swim without water. Mrs. Barr told us we swam over three thousand miles.

  “Okay, we’re in London, England,” said Mrs. Barr. “And look! There’s Big Ben.”

  “And there’s another clue!” shouted Ryan.

  Mrs. Barr picked up another piece of yellow paper. This is what it said . . .

  I AM HIDING OUT IN THE SMALLEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

  —Mr. E

  “Rhode Island!” I shouted. “Mr. E is in Rhode Island!”

  “Rhode Island isn’t a country, Arlo,” said Andrea, rolling her eyes.

  “I knew that,” I lied.

  “The smallest country in the world is Vatican City!” shouted Andrea. “It’s in the middle of Rome, Italy.”

  “That’s right!” shouted Mrs. Barr.

  Andrea smiled the smile she smiles to let everybody know she knows something nobody else knows.

  “Let’s go!” shouted Mrs. Barr. “Quickly! To Italy! Mr. E has stolen millions of dollars in jewelry. We’ve got to catch him!”

  “Italy is soooo romantic,” said Andrea. “Wouldn’t you love to go to Italy, Arlo?”

  “They have pizza there, right?” I asked.

  “Yes, the best pizza in the world,” said Andrea.

  “I want to go there,” I said. “Pizza is my favorite food.”

  “Ooooh,” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea are talking about taking a trip to Italy together. They must be in love!”

  “Maybe you two can go to Italy on your honeymoon,” said Michael.

  I was going to say something mean to the guys, but we all ran over to Italy on the map. It’s shaped like a boot. Nobody knows why.

  “Look!” shouted Mrs. Barr. “Here’s another clue!”

  I AM HIDING OUT IN A CONTINENT THAT HAS MORE PEOPLE THAN ALL THE OTHER CONTINENTS PUT TOGETHER.

  —Mr. E

  “I think it’s Asia,” said Ryan.

  “That’s right!” shouted Mrs. Barr. “Let’s go there!”

  We all ran to Asia. It’s really big, and it has lots of countries in it.

  “Look! Another clue!” shouted Mrs. Barr.

  I AM HIDING OUT ON A BOAT IN THE LARGEST OCEAN IN THE WORLD.

  —Mr. E

  “The Pacific is the largest ocean!” Michael yelled.

  “That’s right!” shouted Mrs. Barr. “Let’s go there!”

  “This is good exercise!” said Miss Small. “Run!”