My Weird School #15

  Mr. Macky Is Wacky!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1 Crazy Pet Day

  2 Mr. Macky’s Fake Beard

  3 If You Read This, You’ll Go Blind

  4 Abraham Lincoln’s Face

  5 George Washington’s Face

  6 It’s Hard to Be the President

  7 I Wish I Had a TV in My Pajamas

  8 George Washington Vs. Abraham Lincoln

  9 Happy Presidents’ Day

  10 The President Is Missing!

  11 President Wiggles, Reporting for Doody

  12 My Turn at Last

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  Crazy Pet Day

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  Man, I wish I was a grown-up. Grownups are so lucky. They don’t have to go to school.

  If I was a grown-up, you know which grown-up I would be? I would be the president of the United States. And you know what I would do if I was president of the United States? I would close all the schools. Then kids wouldn’t have to go anymore. That’s what I would do.

  But until I become president, I guess I’ll have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!

  It was Crazy Pet Day at Ella Mentry School, so kids who had crazy pets brought them in to show the class. My friend Ryan brought in his hermit crab. This girl named Annette brought in her bird (which, if you ask me, isn’t crazy at all). I don’t have a crazy pet. I just have a dog, which isn’t crazy at all. I wish I had a penguin. Penguins are cool. But my parents won’t get me one because they live in Antarctica. Penguins, that is. Not my parents. My parents live at home with me.

  “EEEEEEEK!” screamed this girl Emily, who cries over everything. “A rat!”

  It wasn’t a rat. It was a pet ferret that belonged to Neil Crouch (who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes). But it did look a little bit like a rat. A long rat.

  “What’s your ferret’s name?” I asked Neil the nude kid as I looked in his cage. (The ferret’s cage, that is. Not Neil’s. He doesn’t live in a cage. He lives in a house with his parents.)

  “His name is Mr. Wiggles.”

  Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap clapped our teacher Miss Daisy. That’s her signal that we have to stop talking.

  “We’ll learn all about your crazy pets later,” Miss Daisy told us. “But first, I have big news!”

  “Miss Daisy said she has a big nose,” I whispered to my friend Michael. He cracked up.

  “Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of us, A.J.?” asked Miss Daisy.

  “No.”

  “The big news is that Presidents’ Day is coming up next week,” said Miss Daisy.

  “What’s Presidents’ Day?” somebody asked.

  “I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn’t know anything. “Maybe one of you kids can tell the class what makes Presidents’ Day special?”

  I raised my hand. So did Andrea Young, this really annoying girl with curly brown hair. She was waving her hand in the air, like always. Andrea thinks she knows everything. But Miss Daisy called on me instead. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea.

  “Presidents’ Day is special because we get the day off from school,” I said. “Any time we get a day off from school, it’s special.”

  Everybody laughed, even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  “Gee, I’m not sure that’s right, A.J.,” said Miss Daisy. “Can anyone else tell us what makes Presidents’ Day special?”

  Andrea and Emily were waving their hands in the air and moaning, “Oooooh!” like they were dying. They are so annoying. But Miss Daisy called on Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “Presidents’ Day is special because that’s the day big-screen TVs go on sale,” said Michael. “My dad is gonna buy one. A really big one.”

  “Big-screen TVs are cool,” I told Michael. The only thing better than watching TV is watching a big-screen TV.

  “Hey,” Ryan whispered to Michael, “can me and A.J. come over to your house and watch your big-screen TV?”

  “Sure.”

  “You should get a screen so big that it’s bigger than your house,” I suggested.

  “That’s impossible,” said Michael. “It wouldn’t fit in the house.”

  “Who needs a house?” I said. “You could just live inside the TV!”

  I’m always coming up with genius ideas like that. That’s why I’m in the gifted and talented program.

  “Enough chitchat,” said Miss Daisy. “I’m still waiting for somebody to tell me why Presidents’ Day is special.”

  Nobody else raised their hand, so Miss Daisy called on Miss Smarty Pants I-Know-More-Than-You-Do. Why can’t a bunch of presidents fall on her head?

  “Presidents’ Day is the day we honor—”

  Andrea never got the chance to finish her sentence because at that very moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  I’m not going to tell you what it was.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  2

  Mr. Macky’s Fake Beard

  Hahaha! I knew you’d keep reading!

  While Andrea was telling us why Presidents’ Day was special, this tall, skinny guy walked into the class. He was wearing a dark suit, a big hat, and a really fake beard. And he was holding a can of chicken noodle soup.

  “It’s Abraham Lincoln!” shouted Emily, who looked like she just saw a famous rock star or something. “He’s my favorite president!”

  I slapped my head. That girl Emily will fall for anything.

  “Abraham Lincoln died like a million hundred years ago, dumbhead!” I told her.

  “You’re mean!” Emily said. Then she started crying and went running out of the room.

  What a crybaby! All I did was call her a dumbhead, which she is.

  Everybody knew the guy in the hat and beard was Mr. Macky, the reading specialist at Ella Mentry School.

  “You’re Mr. Macky!” Neil the nude kid shouted.

  “No, I’m not,” Mr. Macky said in this really fake low voice. “The young lady was correct. My name is Abraham Lincoln. When I was a boy, I lived in a log cabin. We were so poor that I had to write on a shovel by candlelight.”

  “You’re not Abraham Lincoln!” we all yelled. “You’re Mr. Macky!”

  “Okay, okay! I thought I could fool you.”

  Mr. Macky pulled off his hat and fake beard and tossed them on the floor. That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.

  Emily came back in the room!

  Well, that wasn’t the amazing part. Emily comes back in the room all the time. The amazing part was that when she came back, Emily stepped on Mr. Macky’s fake beard.

  “EEEEEEEEEEEK!” she screamed. “A rat!”

  Emily slipped and fell. She was on the floor, freaking out. It was hilarious. We were all cracking up.

  “It’s not a rat,” I told Emily. “It’s just Mr. Macky’s fake beard, dumbhead!”

  Emily started crying and went running out of the room again.

  She’s weird.

  3

  If You Read This, You’ll Go Blind

  Mr. Macky was reading that soup can he brought into our class.

  “I love to read,” said Mr. Macky. “Don’t you?”

  “Yeah!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  Mr. Macky is always trying to get us to read. What is his problem? Doesn’t he know that reading is a big bore? Why are you even reading this book? If I were you, I’d be doing something worthwhile, like watching a big-screen TV. The only books worth reading are Dr. Seuss books. He was cool.

  My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you read too much, you’ll go blind. Homework involves a lot of reading. So, just to be on the safe side, I’m going to stop doing my homework so I won’t go blind.

  “Mr. Macky, why do you have a can of chicken noodle soup?” asked Michael.

  “I was reading the label,” he said.

  “Reading can take you on a journey.”

  “So can watching TV,” I said.

  “Yes, but you can learn so much more by reading,” said Mr. Macky, “because you can use your imagination. I’ll read anything.”

  “But what can you learn from a soup can?” asked Ryan.

  “I learned that chickens have noodles,” said Mr. Macky.

  “Chickens have fingers, too,” said Michael. “My mom gives me chicken fingers for lunch all the time.”

  “Chickens have nuggets, too,” I added.

  “They do not,” said Andrea.

  “Do too,” I told her.

  “Do not.”

  We went back and forth like that for a while.

  “Let’s discuss chickens some other time,” said Miss Daisy. “I think Mr. Macky is here to talk about Presidents’ Day.”

  “Right you are,” said Mr. Macky. “I had an idea to promote reading at Ella Mentry School. In celebration of Presidents’ Day, we’re going to read all about the presidents. We’re going to learn a lot. Each of you is going to give an oral report* on a president. You’ll even get to dress up as your president. The whole school will be involved. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

&
nbsp; “Yeah!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  Why is it that girls always want to read books, learn stuff, give reports, and play dress-up? What is their problem? Girls are weird.

  How come we never celebrate anything by sitting around and watching big-screen TVs?

  “I think it’s a great idea,” said Miss Daisy (a girl, of course). “I don’t know anything about the presidents.”

  Of course not. Miss Daisy doesn’t know anything about anything. I can’t believe she got a job as a teacher.

  “I think it’s a great idea too,” said Andrea, the big brownnoser. “When did you get this great idea, Mr. Macky?”

  “Four score and seven years ago,” he replied.

  “I can’t wait to get started on my oral report!” Andrea said, all excited. “I’m going to work really hard and do the best job I can.”

  “Can you possibly be any more boring?” I asked her.

  “I have to go now,” Mr. Macky said, “because I have a lot of things to read. I have to read the newspaper. Then I have to read the back of the cereal box. Then I have to read the graffiti in the bathroom. Then I have to read the phone book.”

  That guy sure loves reading. He’s weird.

  4

  Abraham Lincoln’s Face

  “Who can tell us something about the real Abraham Lincoln?” Miss Daisy asked after Mr. Macky left with his hat and beard.

  “Lincoln rhymes with stinkin’,” I said.

  “True….”

  “Abraham Lincoln’s face is on the penny,” said Andrea.

  “That’s right!” said Miss Daisy. Andrea looked all proud of herself. I hate her.

  “He should take that penny off his face,” I said. “No,” Andrea said, “I mean his face is on the penny.”

  “How did he hold the penny on his face?” Ryan asked. “With glue?”

  “That’s disgusting,” said Michael. “I wouldn’t put glue on my face.”

  “He was probably trying to cover up his pimples,” I told them. “When my big sister has pimples, she won’t even go outside.”

  “Enough chitchat,” said Miss Daisy, clapping her hands again. “Let’s look at our crazy pets now.”

  I still say Abraham Lincoln was weird to put pennies on his face.

  We took some of the animals out of their cages and looked at them. Ryan told us about his hermit crab. Hermit crabs are really boring. They don’t do anything! You can hardly even tell when they die, because they do the same stuff dead that they did when they were alive. Nothing! Hermit crabs are weird.

  Annette told us about her bird. It was boring too, because it didn’t talk or anything. The only cool birds are the ones that talk.

  Neil the nude kid told us about his ferret. He said ferrets have really bad eyesight and they poop when they get excited. We all said we’d try not to get Mr. Wiggles excited. Everybody thought he was cool, even if he looked sort of disgusting.

  Emily said she’s allergic to the ferret’s fur. It makes her cough and rub her eyes.

  “Ferrets are gross, anyway,” she said. “Mr. Wiggles looks like a long rat.”

  I was going to say, “So does your face,” but Emily would probably run out of the room crying again. Then I’d have to go to the principal’s office. Besides, she was right. Mr. Wiggles did look like a long rat. But if you ask me, ferrets are cool. Not as cool as penguins, but they’re still cool.

  5

  George Washington’s Face

  We were having fun learning about our crazy pets. But guess who suddenly walked into the door?

  Nobody! Because if you walked into a door, you would hurt your head. But guess who walked into the class?

  It was some funny-looking guy all dressed up in a fancy army uniform. He had a white wig on his head and a sword in his hand.

  “It’s George Washington!” said Miss Daisy, all excited. She stood up and gave him a salute.

  We all knew it wasn’t George Washington. It was just Mrs. Roopy, our librarian. She is always pretending to be somebody else. One time she pretended to be Johnny Appleseed, and she walked around all day with a pot on her head. I still don’t understand why you have to wear a pot on your head to plant apples.

  Mrs. Roopy is loopy.

  “You’re not George Washington!” we all shouted. “You’re Mrs. Roopy, the librarian!”

  “You must be mistaken,” Mrs. Roopy said in a fake low voice. “I was the first president of the United States. I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down a cherry tree. I have wooden teeth. See?”

  Mrs. Roopy took out her teeth. It was disgusting. I was glad when she put those gross teeth back in her mouth.

  “I came to tell everyone that when you come to the library, you’ll find lots of books about me and the other presidents, too,” said Mrs. Roopy. “They’ll help you prepare for your Presidents’ Day oral reports. I wish I could hang around and tell you more, but I must go to fight the British.”

  She ran out of the room.

  “That was totally Mrs. Roopy,” said Ryan.

  After Mrs. Roopy left, Miss Daisy asked, “Who can tell us something about the real George Washington?”

  “His face is on the dollar bill,” said little Miss See-How-Smart-I-Am Andrea.

  “That’s right!” said Miss Daisy. Andrea looked all proud of herself.

  “He should take that dollar bill off his face,” I said.

  “No, I mean his face is on the dollar bill.”

  I knew perfectly well what Andrea meant. I was just yanking her chain.

  “How could George Washington fight the British with that dollar bill on his face?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” Michael said. “Why didn’t he just carry the dollar bill in his wallet like a normal person?”

  “Enough chitchat. It’s time for reading,” Miss Daisy told us. “Let’s read a book by my favorite author, Dr. Seuss.”

  She read us a story called Yertle the Turtle. It was pretty cool.

  But I still say George Washington was weird.

  6

  It’s Hard to Be the President

  The next day Mr. Macky popped his head in our class right after the morning announcements.

  “Are you all getting excited about Presidents’ Day?” he asked.

  “Yeah!” said all the girls.

  “No!” said all the boys.

  “I have a question for you,” Mr. Macky said. “What color is the White House?”

  Everybody waved their hands around in the air. Even the dumbest dumbbell in the world knows the White House is white. That’s why they call it the White House. Duh!

  But Mr. Macky didn’t call on any of us. Instead, he called on Miss Daisy, who was waving her hand just like she was a kid.

  “The White House is blue, right?” said Miss Daisy.

  I slapped my head. She doesn’t know anything!

  “The White House is white!” we all shouted.

  “Oh,” said Miss Daisy. “I thought it was a trick question.”

  Miss Daisy is crazy. She is the dumbest teacher in the history of the world.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company, Mr. Macky?” asked Miss Daisy. (That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”)

  “I thought I would tell the students a little bit about the presidents,” said Mr. Macky. “It might help them decide which president to choose for their oral reports.”

  “Excellent idea!” Miss Daisy said as Mr. Macky went running out of the room.

  “Where did he go?” asked Ryan.

  “Who knows?” I said. “He’s weird.”

  Mr. Macky came right back in, but this time he was walking on his knees. And he had his shoes over his knees, so it looked like he was really tiny.

  “I’m James Madison,”

  Mr. Macky said. “I am the 4th president—and the shortest. I’m about five feet four inches tall and I only weigh one hundred pounds.”