“What a shrimp!” Ryan said.

  Mr. Macky excused himself and ran out of the room again. Then he came back with a cigar in each hand, a cigar in his mouth, and two cigars sticking out of his ears.

  “Who are you now?” asked Andrea.

  “I am Ulysses S. Grant,” Mr. Macky said. “The 18th president. I smoke twenty cigars a day.”

  “That’s disgusting!” said Michael.

  Mr. Macky ran out of the room again. He must have stuffed a bunch of pillows under his shirt, because when he came back in, he was really fat. Nobody can gain weight that fast.

  “Who are you now?” asked Emily.

  “I’m William Howard Taft,” he said, “the 27th president. I weigh more than three hundred pounds. I had a special bathtub built for me in the White House.”

  “You should go on Weight Watchers,” I said. “My mom lost twenty pounds that way.”

  Mr. Macky ran out of the room again. When he came back this time, he was wearing a dress!

  “Who are you now?” asked Ryan.

  “I’m Franklin D. Roosevelt,” he said, “the 32nd president. My mother made me wear a dress until I was five years old.”

  “Your mother was weird,” I said.

  Mr. Macky ran out of the room again. When he came back, he wasn’t wearing any clothes at all. He just had a towel wrapped around him!

  “Who are you now?” asked Michael.

  “I’m John Quincy Adams. The 6th president. I like to go skinny-dipping in the Potomac River near the White House.”

  “You’re really weird!” I said.

  Mr. Macky kept running in and out of the room over and over again. Each time he came back, he was dressed up like a different president—Jefferson, Reagan, Kennedy, Jackson. It went on and on and on.

  We learned a lot of important stuff about the presidents, like which one grew the first tomatoes in America (Jefferson) and which one was a member of the Beatles (Harrison). Most of them were weird.

  Did you know that Andrew Johnson, the 17th president, never went to school? It’s true! He didn’t even learn to read until he was seventeen years old. See? That just proves that any dumbhead can grow up to be president.

  Finally Mr. Macky stopped running in and out of the room. He was panting and gasping for breath.

  “Being president is a very hard job,” he said.

  “Who is your favorite president, Mr. Macky?” asked Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

  “Hmm,” said Mr. Macky, rubbing his chin where his fake beard used to be. “That’s a hard one. I think my favorite is Millard Fillmore. He was the 13th president.

  MILLARD FILLMORE???

  Can you believe that? The guy’s name was really Millard Fillmore! He must have been a great man. Anyone who could become president even though his name was Millard Fillmore must have been a great man. I know that if my name was Millard, kids would make fun of me all day long. I’d have to move to Antarctica.

  “You know what I like best about Millard Fillmore?” Mr. Macky asked us. “His name!”

  Then he started writing on the blackboard:

  Millard Fillmore

  Fillard Millmore

  Moremill Fillard

  Lardfill Moremill

  Millfill Morelard

  Lardmore Fillmill

  He went on and on like that until it was time for lunch.

  Mr. Macky is wacky!

  7

  I Wish I Had a TV in My Pajamas

  We went to the vomitorium for lunch. I sat with Ryan and Michael. Andrea and her annoying friend Emily were at the next table.

  I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Michael had a ham sandwich. Ryan had a wichsand, which is a sandwich with the meat on the outside and the bread in the middle. Ryan invented the wichsand. He should get the No Bell Prize.

  “Which president are you gonna be for your oral report?” Michael asked.

  “I’m gonna be James Garfield,” Ryan said, “because I like Garfield the cat.”

  “I’m gonna be Herbert Hoover,” said Michael, “because he was named after a vacuum cleaner.”

  “I think the vacuum cleaner was named after him,” I said.

  “What about you, A.J.,” asked Ryan. “Which president are you gonna be?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I told the guys. “But it would be cool to be president for real. Nobody can tell him what to do! I’ll bet the president can stay up late, even on school nights.”

  “I’ll bet he can eat candy anytime he wants,” Ryan said. “And he doesn’t have to brush his teeth.”

  “I’ll bet he doesn’t even have to make his bed,” I said, “or clean up his room or feed his fish.”

  “I’ll bet he can watch TV in his pajamas all day if he feels like it,” Michael said.

  “The president has a TV in his pajamas?” I asked. “That’s cool!”

  I noticed that Andrea and Emily kept turning around and giggling. Girls are always giggling. Andrea and Emily were probably talking about girly stuff like smelly perfume and how many pairs of shoes they have. We boys have more important stuff to talk about, like whether or not the president has a TV in his pajamas.

  We ignored them. Our conversation was none of their beeswax anyway.

  “Do you think Mr. Macky was telling the truth when he said Abraham Lincoln had to write on a shovel?” I asked the guys.

  “Lincoln should have used a computer,” said Ryan. “It’s much easier to write on.”

  “Yeah, but you can’t use a computer to dig a hole,” Michael pointed out.

  “Well, you can’t check your e-mail on a shovel,” Ryan said.

  “You could check your e-mail if you had a shovel with a built-in computer,” I told them.

  The lunch lady, Ms. LaGrange, told us it was time to clean off our trays. Andrea and Emily walked by our table.

  “Boys are dumbheads,” Andrea said.

  8

  George Washington Vs. Abraham Lincoln

  It was the Friday before Presidents’ Day, and we were putting our stuff into our cubbies. I heard Andrea tell Emily that she was nearly finished with her Presidents’ Day oral report. She picked John F. Kennedy as her president.

  “I bet my report is going to be the best in the whole class,” Andrea whispered to Emily.

  Whenever we have an assignment to do, Andrea’s is always the best in the class. Why does she have to be best every single time? I hate her.

  After we pledged the allegiance, we had to go to the all-purpose room for an assembly. Mr. Klutz was up on the stage. He’s the principal of the school, and his head is completely bald. I mean completely. I wrote a poem about Mr. Klutz. It goes like this:

  His head is bare.

  It looks like a pear.

  His hair is not there.

  Where is his hair?

  Maybe it’s in his chair.

  Someone should share their hair.

  It’s not fair!

  But I don’t care.

  I wish I had a chocolate éclair.

  Did you like my poem about Mr. Klutz’s hair that he doesn’t have? I tried to sound like Dr. Seuss. He was cool, even if he wasn’t a real doctor.

  Anyway, being the principal is like being the president of Ella Mentry School. I guess every day is Presidents’ Day for Mr. Klutz. He told us he was getting excited about the big holiday on Monday.

  “Are you going to buy a big-screen TV, Mr. Klutz?” Michael shouted.

  “No, why?” he asked.

  “Because they go on sale on Presidents’ Day,” Michael said. “My dad is going to buy one.”

  Mr. Klutz told us he was more interested in the presidents than big-screen TVs.

  “In honor of Presidents’ Day,” Mr. Klutz announced, “we’re going to have you kids vote for the president of Ella Mentry School. Whoever gets the most votes will be the president when we get back to school after the holiday. That’s how democracy works. Any questions?”

  “Can we vote for any president we want?” one of the third graders asked.

  “There will be two candidates,” Mr. Klutz said. “I would like to introduce them to you now. Each president will make a short speech, and then we will vote.”

  Mr. Macky and Mrs. Roopy walked up onto the stage dressed like Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Everybody clapped. The presidents each took a bow. Mrs. Roopy spoke first.

  “My name is George Washington,” she said. “I was the first and best president! I was the father of our country. I defeated the British in the Revolutionary War. Vote for me.”

  Everybody clapped. Then Mr. Macky stepped forward to give his speech.

  “My name is Abraham Lincoln. I was the 16th president. I saved the Union. I freed the slaves. I wrote the Gettysburg Address. Vote for me!”

  Everybody clapped.

  “Okay!” said Mr. Klutz. “Do either of you gentlemen have anything to add?”

  “I would just like to mention that the George Washington Bridge was named after me,” said Mrs. Roopy.

  “Well, the Lincoln Tunnel was named after me,” said Mr. Macky. “And Lincoln Logs, too.”

  George Washington—I mean, Mrs. Roopy—laughed.

  “They named some logs after you?” she said. “Big whoop! They put me on the dollar bill.”

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids.

  “Oh yeah?” said Mr. Macky. “I’m on the five-dollar bill. So I must be five times better than you.”

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids. Abraham Lincoln totally dissed George Washington! In his face!

  “I cannot tell a lie,” George Washington said. “You’re ugly.”

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids.

  Abraham Lincoln looked really mad. I thought the two of them were going to start fighting! But Mr. Klutz stepped in between them.

  “Gentlemen! Gentlemen!” he said. “There’s no need to get nasty here. Remember, Benjamin Franklin is on the hundred-dollar bill. Does that mean he’s better than both of you?”

  The two presidents looked at Mr. Klutz.

  “Who asked you?” said Abraham Lincoln as he shoved Mr. Klutz out of the way.

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids.

  “The Washington Monument is way taller than the Lincoln Memorial,” George Washington told Abraham Lincoln.

  “You have wooden teeth!” Abraham Lincoln told George Washington. “And you probably wear that silly wig to hide your bald spot!”

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids.

  “I refuse to fight,” said George Washington. “I am a peace-loving man.”

  “Nobody loves peace more than I do,” said Abraham Lincoln.

  “Oh yeah?” said Washington. “You want to fight over who loves peace the most?”

  “Oooooh!” went all the kids.

  “Bring it on, old man!” said Lincoln. “I’ll kick your butt!”

  I couldn’t believe Abraham Lincoln said “butt”!

  The next thing we knew, both presidents started fighting! George Washington put Abraham Lincoln in a headlock! Then Abraham Lincoln picked George Washington up over his head and started spinning him around! Soon the two of them were fighting on the floor.

  It was cool. You should have been there. All the kids started cheering and yelling. It was just like watching professional wrestling on a big-screen TV.

  “Break it up!” shouted Mr. Klutz as he separated the two presidents. “Calm down, both of you! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Go to my office.”

  Wow! Kids get sent to the principal’s office all the time, but that was the first time I ever saw a grown-up get sent there.

  Finally everybody calmed down. It was time to vote for the president of Ella Mentry School. Miss Daisy and the other teachers passed out pieces of paper and pencils. We were told to write WASHINGTON or LINCOLN on our paper.

  “Whoever gets the most votes will be the president of Ella Mentry School,” announced Mr. Klutz. “The majority rules. That’s what democracy and fair elections are all about.”

  Hmm. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both pretty cool guys. I couldn’t make up my mind which one to vote for.

  That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world! I decided I wasn’t going to vote for either of those guys. I took my piece of paper and wrote this:

  I VOTE FOR MR. WIGGLES.

  I passed my paper over to Neil the nude kid. Neil giggled and passed my paper over to Ryan. Ryan giggled, and he passed my paper over to Michael. They passed my paper all the way down the row so our whole class saw it. I don’t know what happened to it after that, but there was a lot of giggling in the all-purpose room.

  “If everybody is finished voting,” said Mr. Klutz, “please pass your papers to your teachers so they can tally up the votes.”

  We passed our papers to Miss Daisy, and she counted the votes for our class. Mrs. Patty, the school secretary, came out of the office with a calculator. Each teacher told Mrs. Patty how her class voted, and Mrs. Patty added up the votes. It took about a million hundred minutes. Finally she handed a piece of paper to Mr. Klutz.

  “And the president of Ella Mentry School is…Mr. Wiggles?”

  All the kids started yelling and screaming and cheering. Neil the nude kid’s pet ferret was the new president of Ella Mentry School!

  “Hooray for Mr. Wiggles!” we all shouted. “Hip hip hooray!”

  9

  Happy Presidents’ Day

  Monday is usually the worst day of the week, because it means we have five days of school in a row. But not this week. It was Presidents’ Day. No school on a Monday! Hooray!

  Now, you’re not going to believe this in a million hundred years, but do you know what I did on Presidents’ Day?

  Of course you don’t, because I didn’t tell you yet. And I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. I spent the whole morning working on my Presidents’ Day oral report!

  See, I told you that you wouldn’t believe it. But it’s true! I did homework on a day we didn’t even have school! I must have been out of my mind.

  I’ll tell you why I did it. It’s because I hate Andrea Young. I am sick and tired of her bragging about how smart she is and how she knows everything and how her oral report was going to be the best in the class. I’m just as gifted and talented as she is. So I decided I was going to make a better oral report than Andrea. I was going to make the best oral report in the history of the world. My oral report was going to blow the doors off Andrea’s oral report. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her!

  I worked really hard. I looked in my library and got books about my president. I looked in the encyclopedia for my president. I went on the Internet and got lots of fun facts about my president. My oral report was going to be great. Andrea wouldn’t even know what hit her.

  I wrote the whole thing out and put it in a nice red binder. I wouldn’t let anyone see it, not even my parents or my sister. I wanted it to be a complete surprise. It was top secret. I’m not even going to tell you who my president was. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  I worked all morning on my oral report, and then the phone rang. My mom told me Michael wanted to talk to me.

  “Me and my dad are going to buy a big-screen TV,” he said. “Wanna come?”

  “Sure!”

  Michael’s dad drove us to the big-screen TV store. It was cool. They had a whole wall filled with big-screen TVs, and they were all tuned to the same channel. We were walking around looking for a salesman when this guy asked Michael’s dad if he needed any help. You’ll never in a million hundred years believe who the guy was.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  It was Mr. Macky! He was wearing a name tag that said HOWARD MACKY on it.

  “Mr. Macky!” I said. “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”

  “I work here on weekends and holidays,” said Mr. Macky. “Would you like to buy a big-screen TV? They’re on sale today.”

  Wow! I never would have thought that a reading specialist would also be a big-screen TV salesman. I thought reading specialists hated TV. But Mr. Macky told us he loved TV and knew everything about big-screen TVs.

  Mr. Macky took a Star Wars DVD out of his pocket so we could see what it looked like on a big-screen TV. It was cool. You could almost see inside Darth Vader’s nostrils.

  Michael’s dad bought the TV right away. It was so big that Mr. Macky had to help us strap it to the roof of the car.

  I asked Mr. Macky what his favorite part of Star Wars was. He told us it was the beginning, when all those words scroll up the screen.

  “That’s the only part you read,” he said. “As you know, I love to read.”

  Mr. Macky is weird. And he is much better at selling TVs than he is at teaching reading.

  10

  The President Is Missing!

  The next day we had to go to school (BOO!), but we also got to give our oral reports (YAY!). It was cool watching everybody walk up the front steps dressed up like a president. Kids were wearing hats, beards, suits, and ties. Even the girls! That was weird.

  Neil the nude kid was dressed up like Thomas Jefferson. He brought his ferret, Mr. Wiggles—I mean President Wiggles—with him in a cage. Neil told us that President Wiggles was going to sit in Mr. Klutz’s office all day and boss him around because he was president of the school.

  Ryan was dressed up like James Garfield, and he brought a stuffed Garfield cat with him. Michael was dressed up like Herbert Hoover, and he brought a vacuum cleaner with him.

  “Which president are you, A.J.?” they asked when they saw me. I had a cane, glasses, and a fur hat.

  “It’s a secret,” I said. “But just watch me blow the doors off Andrea’s oral report.”

  After we pledged the allegiance in our class, Mrs. Patty’s voice came over the loudspeaker. She told us Mr. Klutz had an announcement to make.