It was too hard to do the math in my head.

  “Can we use scrap paper?” I asked Miss Banks.

  “If you feel you need to,” she replied.

  I took out a piece of scrap paper and started writing the numbers down. Then I added them up. It came to 136. I wrote that down.

  I looked around. Everybody was working on the math problem. Well, everybody except Andrea. She was just sitting there with her hands folded, like she was finished already. How could she be done so quickly? I better work faster. I moved on to . . .

  3. Circle every T on this page.

  I circled every T on the page. That was easy. I moved on to number four . . .

  4. What time is it when the big hand is on four and the little hand is on eleven?

  I drew a clock on my scrap paper and put in the hands. It was twenty minutes after eleven. I wrote that down and peeked around to see how everybody else was doing. Emily and Alexia were sitting there with their hands folded. Man, girls work fast! I moved on to . . .

  5. Silently recite the first six words of the Gettysburg Address.

  Oh, I knew that one: “Four score and seven years ago.” I moved on to . . .

  6. Get up, walk around your desk in a circle, and then sit down.

  That’s a weird thing to ask on a pop quiz. But what do I know? Maybe things are different in fourth grade. I got up, walked around my desk, and sat down. So did Ryan, Michael, and Neil. I moved on to . . .

  7. Write your name backward.

  I wrote my name backward. Then I moved on to . . .

  8. Stand up and sing a line from “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.”

  I got up and sang, “Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.”

  Michael got up and sang, “Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.”

  I looked around. Ryan and Neil were sitting there with their hands folded. How come they didn’t get up and sing? Maybe they did it and I didn’t notice. I moved on to . . .

  9. Cluck like a chicken while standing on one foot.

  “Bok! Bok! Bok!” I said, standing on one foot.

  I looked around. Nobody else was standing on one foot. Nobody else was clucking.

  “Hey, you guys! Why aren’t you doing it?” I asked.

  They didn’t answer. Then I looked at the last question on the bottom of the page . . .

  10. Do not answer any of the questions or complete any of the tasks on this pop quiz. Put down your pencil and sit with your hands folded. Don’t say anything to anybody.

  WHAT?!

  I looked at Andrea. She was sitting there with her hands folded and a big smile on her face.

  Ryan had his hands folded. Alexia had her hands folded. Michael had his hands folded. Emily had her hands folded. Neil had his hands folded. Everybody except me was sitting there with their hands folded.

  Then they all started cracking up, even Miss Banks.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I asked.

  “It was a fake pop quiz, dumbhead!” Andrea said. “Miss Banks told us to read the quiz all the way through before answering any questions. She just wanted to see if we knew how to follow instructions!”

  “That’s right!” said Miss Banks.

  I wanted to say something mean to Andrea, but I couldn’t come up with anything good.

  “Your face needs to follow instructions!” I shouted at her.

  Suddenly, the door opened and our principal, Mrs. Stoker, came into the classroom. Everybody stopped laughing.

  “Good morning!” she said cheerfully. “May I tell you a joke?”

  “Sure!” everybody shouted.

  “This boy comes home after the first day of school,” said Mrs. Stoker, “and his mom asks him what he learned. He says, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’”

  Everybody laughed even though the joke wasn’t all that funny. Mrs. Stoker is the principal, so you have to laugh at her jokes. That’s the law.

  “I just wanted to see how you kids were doing on your first day of fourth grade,” said Mrs. Stoker.

  “We’re doing terrible!” I said.

  “What’s the matter?” she asked.

  “Miss Banks gave us a fake pop quiz,” said Andrea, giggling, “and A.J. totally fell for it.”

  “Yeah, he was singing ‘Old MacDonald Had a Farm,’” said Alexia.

  “And he was clucking like a chicken,” added Neil.

  Everybody started laughing at me again. It’s not fair! I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Penguins don’t have to take dumb spelling tests or fake pop quizzes or do phony word searches. Penguins don’t pull pranks on each other either.*

  “Before we move on to science,” announced Miss Banks, “who wants a doughnut?”

  “I do!”

  “I do!”

  “I do!”

  In case you were wondering, everybody wanted a doughnut. I love doughnuts. They’re my second-favorite treat, right after Oreos.

  “Do you have any Oreos?” I asked.

  “No,” said Miss Banks. “Just doughnuts.”

  She brought out a big box and said each of us could take one doughnut. Neil went first.

  “Wait a minute!” Neil shouted after he looked inside the box. “Those aren’t doughnuts! They’re carrots and cucumbers and broccoli and a bunch of other veggies!”

  “WHAT?!” yelled Miss Banks. “This is an outrage! I asked for doughnuts. How did those veggies get in here? I want my money back!”

  Ugh, veggies. I can’t believe grown-ups expect us to eat stuff that grew out of the dirt. The only person who ate the veggies was Ryan. Of course, he’ll eat anything.

  “What are we going to learn in science this year?” asked Andrea, who only wants to learn stuff so she can show off how smart she is.

  “Oh, we’re going to learn about the planets and space and stars and electricity and the water cycle and weather and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  Miss Banks went on for like a million hundred years. What a snoozefest.

  “But today, we’re going out for a science field trip,” she said. “We’re going birding.”*

  Miss Banks grabbed some binoculars from her desk drawer. We all lined up and went out to the playground. At the edge of the playground are some woods.

  “Shhhhh!” whispered Miss Banks as she tiptoed into the woods. “We’re going to hunt for the elusive Sloof Lirpa.”

  I never heard of a bird called Sloof Lirpa. It must be some really exotic bird. Miss Banks told us the Sloof Lirpa was red and yellow, and it had been spotted in the area. But it’s very rare. She passed out binoculars for all of us.

  I looked around, but I didn’t see any birds at all, much less a Sloof Lirpa. Miss Banks told us how the Sloof Lirpa flies, what it eats, how it raises its young, and other stuff. She opened a bag of marshmallows and gave one to each of us.

  “The Sloof Lirpa has been known to swoop down and take a marshmallow right out of your hand,” said Miss Banks. “It’s the most glorious thing!”

  “Ooooh, I hope we’ll see one,” Emily said as we tiptoed through the woods.

  “Sloof Lirpa!” hollered Miss Banks, holding a marshmallow over her head. “Sloof Lirpa! Loof-aloof-aloooooo!”

  “What’s that?” Ryan asked.

  “That’s the Sloof Lirpa mating call,” replied Miss Banks. “You try it.”

  “Sloof Lirpa! Sloof Lirpa!” we all called, “Loof-aloof-alooooo!”

  “Flap your arms like a bird,” instructed Miss Banks. “That attracts them.”

  We all flapped our arms and called out, “Sloof Lirpa! Sloof Lirpa! Loof-aloof-alooooo!” There were some birds flying around, but I didn’t see a Sloof Lirpa.

  “Maybe the Sloof Lirpas are hibernating,” suggested Alexia. “Like bears.”

  “We just need to keep looking,” said Miss Banks. “I know they’re out here somewhere.”

  We tiptoed around for a million hundred hours. Not a Sloof Lirpa in sight.

  Suddenly, Andrea stopped in her tracks.

  “Wait a minute!” she said.

  “Did you see one?” I asked. “Did you see a Sloof Lirpa?”

  “No,” Andrea replied. “We’re not going to see any Sloof Lirpas out here.”

  “Why not?” asked Emily.

  “Because there’s no such thing as a Sloof Lirpa!” said Andrea.

  “How do you know?” asked Michael.

  “I just figured it out,” Andrea told us. “SLOOF LIRPA is APRIL FOOLS backward!”

  WHAT?!

  Miss Banks laughed her head off after she tricked the whole class into walking around the woods, flapping our arms, and calling out “Sloof Lirpa” over and over again. She even shot a video of us on her cell phone. I bet she’s going to show it to the teachers in the teachers’ lounge.

  Miss Daisy, our second-grade teacher, was weird. Mr. Granite and Mr. Cooper, our third-grade teachers, were weird too. But now that I’m older and wiser and in fourth grade, I’m beginning to think Miss Banks is the weirdest teacher of all of them.

  “Before we move on to math,” she announced, “who wants gum?”

  “I do!”

  “I do!”

  “I do!”

  In case you were wondering, everybody said they wanted gum.

  To be honest, I’m not a big gum fan. Gum is okay, but it loses its flavor and tastes yucky after five minutes. Then you have to keep this tasteless ball of gunk in your mouth until you can find a garbage can.

  But I said “I do” anyway when Miss Banks offered us gum. Why? Because teachers never give us gum! They’re always telling us to spit out our gum.

  “Do you have any Oreos?” I asked. “I’m not a big gum fan.”

  “No,” said Miss Banks. “I just have gum.”

  She brought around a plate with a bunch of pieces of gum on it, and they were all different colors. I picked a green piece and popped it in my mouth.

  Yuck! It tasted awful.

  “This isn’t gum!” shouted Ryan. “It’s Play-Doh!”*

  “Ugh! Gross,” I shouted. “It’s terrible!”

  “Oops!” said Miss Banks. “My mistake! Aha-ha! Time is fun when you’re having flies!”

  What did that mean? I can’t believe I fell for another one of Miss Banks’s pranks! I should have known better and refused to eat the gum.

  That’s it. I promised myself that I would never ever eat anything else that Miss Banks offered me.

  “What are we going to learn in math this year?” asked Miss I-Want-to-Know-Everything.

  “Oh, we’re going to learn about percentages and fractions and decimals and three-digit multiplication and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  Zzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. I dozed off there for a minute. It’s hard to keep my eyes open when anyone is talking about math.

  “But today I have a special surprise for you,” said Miss Banks.

  Uh-oh. I could only imagine what kind of surprise she was going to pull on us. I was expecting the worst. But Miss Banks opened a big box and pulled out a bunch of laptop computers. She handed one to each of us.

  “These are called Domebooks,” she told us. “All fourth graders in the district get them.”

  “Are they free?” asked Emily.

  “Yes,” said Miss Banks. “Just take good care of your Domebook and give it back at the end of the school year.”

  Cool! I always wanted my own laptop so I could play video games on school time.

  “These laptops are not for playing video games on school time,” Miss Banks warned us. “We’re going to use them for lots of subjects, including math. In fourth grade, you’re going to learn about mixed numbers and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  She went on like that for a million hundred hours. I thought I was gonna die from old age. Finally, she told us how to turn on our Domebooks.

  “These are very advanced laptops,” Miss Banks explained. “They have a built-in app that produces smells to go with certain numbers. Like when you press the number one key, the screen gives off a smell like an apple. And when you press the number two key, it smells like strawberry. It’s called Smell-O-Vision, and it’s going to help you learn math.”

  I never heard of laptops giving off smells. But I guess it could be possible. They’re doing amazing things with computers these days.

  “Go ahead,” said Miss Banks. “Try it.”

  We all started pressing the keys on our Domebooks to see what smells came out.

  “I think I smell it!” said Andrea. “It’s . . . cinnamon!”

  “Me too!” said Emily, who smells everything that Andrea smells.

  “The number three key smells like roses!” said Neil.

  “The number eight key smells like a hamburger!” said Michael.

  I pressed all the keys on my keyboard and sniffed the screen. It just smelled like a computer to me.

  “I can’t smell anything,” I said.

  “Put your nose right up close to the screen, A.J.,” said Miss Banks.

  “Maybe you have a bad sense of smell, Arlo,” said Andrea.

  “Your face has a bad sense of smell!” I told her.

  But maybe Andrea was right. Maybe I don’t smell very good. Wait, let me put that in different words. Maybe I can’t smell stuff very well.

  I put my nose close to the screen and sniffed for a long time, trying to catch a whiff of something. And you’ll never believe who poked her head into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! Why would you poke your head into a door? That would hurt. But you’ll never believe who poked her head into the doorway.

  It was the Ella Mentry School computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers!

  “I hope you’re enjoying your Domebooks,” she said. “They’re going to come in handy this year. Uh, why is A.J. sniffing his screen?”

  “Beats me,” said Miss Banks. “Kids do weird things.”

  “But . . . but . . . but . . .” I said. “You told us . . .”

  Miss Banks laughed because I said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” even though it only has one T.

  That’s it! I’m not going to fall for any more of Miss Banks’s pranks. There’s an old saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice . . .” Uh, well, I don’t remember the rest. It goes something like that.*

  “Before we move on to social studies,” said Miss Banks, “who wants a cookie?”

  “Not me!” I shouted.

  “I don’t,” said Andrea.

  “Me neither,” said Emily.

  In case you were wondering, nobody wanted one of Miss Banks’s cookies.

  “What?” said Miss Banks. “I thought kids love cookies. What’s wrong with you?”

  “You’re just going to pull another one of your pranks on us,” said Alexia.

  “Who? Me?” asked Miss Banks, like she was surprised. “Pranks? I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

  “You offered us brownies that weren’t brownies,” said Michael. “Then you offered us doughnuts that weren’t doughnuts. Then you offered us gum that wasn’t gum. So I bet your cookies aren’t really cookies either.”

  “That’s right,” we all said.

  Miss Banks looked hurt. She took a box out of her desk drawer.

  “Suit yourselves,” she said as she sat down and put her feet up on her desk. “More cookies for me.”

  She reached into the box and took out a cookie. It looked a lot like . . .

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  “Is that . . . an Oreo?” I asked.

  “Of course,” said Miss Banks. “I love Oreos. They’re my favorite kind of cookie.”

  Mine too! She took a bite of the Oreo and then closed her eyes as she chewed it really slowly. Then she took another bite. It looked like she was chewing the Oreo in slow motion.

  “Mmmmmmm,” she moaned. “You kids don’t know what you’re missing.”

  I was drooling. That Oreo looked soooooo good. It looked like one of those double-stuffed Oreos too. They have twice as much stuffing, so they have the perfect name. I wanted an Oreo more than anything in the history of the world.

  “Yum!” Miss Banks said as she finished her Oreo.

  Maybe for once, she wasn’t pranking us.

  “Okay, okay!” I finally shouted. “Can I have an Oreo?”

  “Me too!” said Ryan.

  “Me three!” said Michael.

  “Me four!” said Alexia.

  “That’s the spirit!” Miss Banks said. She took her feet off her desk and gave each of us an Oreo.

  Cookies in school! This was the greatest day of my life!

  I took a bite out of the Oreo.

  It took about two seconds for me to realize that it tasted funny. The Oreo didn’t taste like an Oreo.

  “Ugh! Gross! Disgusting!” I said.

  “What is this?” asked Alexia.

  “Oh, I forgot to mention something,” said Miss Banks. “I filled the Oreos with toothpaste.”

  WHAT?!

  “Haven’t you heard?” said Miss Banks. “This is the latest thing in dental hygiene. With toothpaste-flavored Oreos, kids can eat cookies and fight cavities at the same time! Aha-ha! Time is fun when you’re having flies!”

  We were all really mad that Miss Banks gave us toothpaste-filled Oreos. Nobody took another bite. Well, nobody except Ryan, of course. He’ll eat anything.

  “Miss Banks,” said Little Miss Perfect, “what are we going to learn in social studies this year?”

  “Oh, we’re going to learn about the thirteen colonies and Lewis and Clark and geography and the Revolutionary War and the Bill of Rights* and the three branches of government and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .

  Oh, sorry. I dozed off again.

  Brrrrrriiiiinnnnnnggggg!

  It was the lunch bell. That woke me up. Our lunch bell makes a sound like the word “bring.” Nobody knows why. Everybody started lining up to go to the vomitorium.

  “A.J.,” said Miss Banks, “before you go to lunch, may I speak with you for a moment?”

  “OOOOOOH!” everybody oooooohed. “A.J.’s in trouble!”

  When everybody had left the room, Miss Banks came over to my desk.

  “I just wanted you to know,” she told me, “that I’m not picking on you. I like to pull pranks on all of my students. It’s what I do.”