“That’s okay,” I told her. “I can handle it.”

  “Great!” she said as she went over to the sink and filled two glasses with water. “I bet you can’t balance a glass of water on both hands at the same time.”

  Hey, nobody tells me what I can or can’t do.

  “I bet I can,” I told her.

  “Here,” Miss Banks said, “put your hands on your desk, palms down.”

  I put my hands on my desk. Miss Banks carefully put one of the glasses of water on my left hand. Then she put the other glass of water on my right hand.

  “See?” I said. “I can balance both of them at the same time.”

  “I guess you’re right,” she said. “Very good, A.J. I’ll see you later.”

  And then she walked out of the room.

  “But—”

  I looked around. I was all by myself in the classroom. I had two glasses of water on my hands. If I moved either of my hands even a little bit, the glasses would fall off and water would spill all over my desk and stuff! There was nothing I could do!

  “Miss Banks!” I shouted.

  But she was gone. She had pranked me! Again!

  “Help!” I shouted. “Somebody! Help!”

  I was standing there with the glasses of water on my hands for like a million hundred hours! It looked like I was going to be there for the rest of my life! To make things worse, I suddenly realized that I had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t know what to do!

  And you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! Why would you walk into a door? You could break your nose! I thought we went over this in Chapter Five. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.

  It was Mrs. Stoker, our principal!

  “A.J.,” she said. “Why aren’t you at lunch with the rest of your class?”

  “Miss Banks pranked me!” I said. “She bet I couldn’t balance these glasses of water on my hands. Then she left me like this. And now I have to go to the bathroom!”

  I was trying not to cry.

  “Calm down, A.J.,” Mrs. Stoker said as she picked up the glasses. “You can go to the bathroom and then meet your class in the lunchroom.”

  I walked a million hundred miles to the bathroom. After I did my business, I washed my hands and went over to the paper towel dispenser to dry them off.

  There was a sticker on the front of the paper towel dispenser that said “Voice Activated.” Hmmmm, that was new. They must have installed voice-activated paper towel dispensers over the summer.

  “Give me a paper towel,” I said to the paper towel dispenser.

  No paper towel came out.

  I guess you have to say “please.”

  “Please give me a paper towel,” I said to the paper towel dispenser.

  No paper towel came out.

  I was getting a little mad.

  “I WANT a paper towel,” I said a little louder to the paper towel dispenser.

  No paper towel came out.

  I tapped the paper towel dispenser on the top. Maybe that would shake some paper towels loose.

  No paper towel came out.

  “GIVE ME A PAPER TOWEL!” I shouted. “NOW!”

  No paper towel came out.

  I was really mad. I banged my fist on the paper towel dispenser, over and over again. But no paper towel came out. I was sweating. And you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! Are you kidding me? We went over this just a few paragraphs ago! People don’t walk into doors! But you’ll never believe who opened the door at that moment.

  It was Mr. Macky, the Ella Mentry School reading specialist!

  “Are you okay, A.J.?” he asked. “Did I just hear you yelling at somebody? You’re all alone in here.”

  “I’m trying to get a paper towel!” I shouted.

  Mr. Macky looked at the paper towel dispenser.

  “Did you push the button?” he asked.

  “No,” I replied.

  He pushed the button. A paper towel slid out.

  “But I thought—”

  “The paper towel dispenser isn’t voice activated,” Mr. Macky told me. “Somebody must have put this label on it as a prank.”

  “Miss Banks!” I shouted. “It had to be Miss Banks! This means war!”

  Smoke was pouring out of my ears.

  Well, not really. But if smoke could pour out of somebody’s ears, it definitely would have been pouring out of mine.

  I walked a million hundred miles to the vomitorium for lunch. It used to be called the cafetorium, but then some first grader threw up in there. I saw all my friends sitting at our usual table. Our lunch lady, Ms. Hall, was behind the counter.

  “We have a special lunch today,” she told me. “You have the choice of frog legs, fish eyeballs, roasted grasshoppers, or braunschweiger.”

  “What’s braunschweiger?” I asked.

  “It’s a sausage that tastes like what a wet dog smells like,” said Ms. Hall.

  Ugh. I thought I was gonna throw up.

  “I’m not hungry,” I said.

  “Just kidding!” said Ms. Hall. “Do you want a hot dog, a grilled cheese sandwich, or chicken strips?”

  Now the other grown-ups were pulling pranks on me! It was contagious!

  I took a hot dog and went over to the table where everybody was sitting. I told the gang what Miss Banks did to me with the glasses of water and the voice-activated paper towel dispenser.

  “She’s out to get me,” I complained as I took a bite out of my hot dog.

  “She’s out to get all of us,” Michael said.

  “Miss Banks pulls lots of pranks,” said Neil. “She’s like a prank machine.”

  “We’ve got to get back at her,” I said, lowering my voice so they couldn’t hear me at the other tables.

  “Yeah,” everybody agreed, even Andrea and Emily.

  “We’re not gonna take it,” whispered Neil. “If Miss Banks is going to prank us all the time, we should prank her right back!”

  “Yeah,” whispered Ryan. “We’ll show her!”

  “Nobody pranks us and gets away with it,” whispered Alexia.

  “That’s right!” I whispered.

  “So what can we do to get back at her?” asked Andrea.

  Hmmm. For once in her life, Andrea had a good question. None of us had ever pranked a teacher before. This was new territory.

  “We could get some fake vomit and put it on her chair,” Michael suggested.

  “Nah,” I said. “That’s the oldest trick in the book.”

  “Where would we get fake vomit anyway?” asked Ryan.

  “From Rent-Fake-Vomit,” I said. “You can rent anything.”

  “We could put yellow sticky notes all over her car,” suggested Neil. “That would be funny.”

  “I don’t know if Miss Banks has a car,” I said.

  “What if we TP’d her house?” suggested Michael.

  “We don’t know where she lives,” said Ryan.

  “We could put soy sauce in her coffee,” suggested Alexia. “That would be nasty.”

  “We could empty out her desk drawer and fill it with Cheerios,” suggested Emily.

  “We don’t have any soy sauce or Cheerios,” I reminded them.

  “Then what are we gonna do?” asked Neil.

  I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. I thought so hard that I thought my head was going to explode.

  I looked at the clock. Soon it would be time for dismissal. We had to come up with something fast. Emily got up to scrape her tray into the garbage can. As she did, one of her books fell off the table.

  That’s when I came up with the most brilliant idea for a prank in the history of pranks. We put our heads together like a football team in a huddle, and I whispered my great idea to everybody.

  “That’s genius!” said Ryan. “You should get the Nobel Prize for that one, A.J.”*

  You probably want to know what my genius idea was. You’re probably dying to know.

  Well, I’m not gonna tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  But I will tell you something right now. This was going to be the greatest prank in the history of pranks.

  We walked a million hundred miles to room 123. I couldn’t wait to pull off the prank of the century. I was rubbing my hands together with excitement. That’s what you do when you’re excited. You rub your hands together. Nobody knows why.

  When we walked into the room, Miss Banks was waiting for us.

  “For homework tonight,” she said, “please read the first five chapters in your social studies book, write an essay on what you did over summer vacation, and create a life-size animal out of items you have around the house.”

  WHAT?!

  “Just kidding!” said Miss Banks. “There’s no homework tonight. But starting tomorrow, we’re going to work on multidigit multiplication, the parts of speech, and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  That fake homework assignment was just another one of Miss Banks’s pranks, of course. Well, she had her little fun. But now it was my turn. It was time to begin my counterattack. While Miss Banks was talking, I put my hand in the air.

  “Do you have a question, A.J.?” she asked.

  “No,” I told her. “I’m just pointing at the ceiling.”

  A few kids giggled.

  But that wasn’t my genius prank. No, I was going to start off easy. I wanted to warm up before I unleashed my genius prank to end all pranks.

  “Very funny, A.J.,” said Miss Banks. “As I was saying, starting tomorrow, we’re going to work on adding and subtracting fractions and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  She passed out a handout. After I got mine, I put my hand up in the air again.

  “Yes, A.J.?” Miss Banks asked.

  “I don’t get it,” I said.

  “What don’t you get, A.J.?”

  “I don’t understand how they can take a tree and turn it into this thin sheet of paper,” I said.

  A few kids giggled. Miss Banks stopped passing out her handout and looked at me for a moment. She seemed a little annoyed. Good.

  “Neither do I, A.J.,” muttered Miss Banks. “Now back to our work for tomorrow. We’re going to learn about the solar system, electricity, and blah blah blah blah . . .”

  I could see I was getting to her. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was four minutes before two o’clock. Perfect. It was time for me to move in for the kill. It was time to give Miss Banks a taste of her own medicine.*

  Here’s the awesome prank I told the gang about during lunch: At exactly two o’clock, everybody in the class was going to drop our books on the floor. All at the same time. It would be hilarious. Even Andrea and Emily agreed to do it. This was going to be great!

  “Blah blah blah blah . . .” said Miss Banks.

  As she spoke, we were all peeking at the clock. It was three minutes before two o’clock. I piled my books up on top of my desk.

  “Blah blah blah blah . . .” said Miss Banks.

  It was two minutes before two o’clock. I looked over at Ryan, and he looked over at me. It was hard not to laugh, thinking about the great prank we were about to pull off.

  It was one minute before two o’clock. This was going to be awesome.

  We all watched the clock as the second hand moved closer to the twelve. Alexia gave me a quick thumbs-up, and I gave her one back.

  10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . .

  Tick, tick, tick.

  It was time! As the second hand reached the twelve, I swept my arm across my desk. My books went flying. Everybody’s books went flying.

  BAM! All the books hit the floor.

  “AHHHHHHH!” Miss Banks swung around and screamed. The noise took her by surprise. I thought she was going to jump out of her skin.

  “Okay, I’ve had it with you kids!” she shouted. “That’s the last straw!”

  Huh? What did straws have to do with anything?

  Miss Banks looked really mad! I thought she was going to put us in detention for the rest of our lives. But she didn’t.

  “I quit!” she shouted. And then she walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  WOW. That’s “MOM” upside down.

  It was so quiet in room 123, you could have heard a pin drop. That is, if anybody brought a pin to school with them. But who brings pins to school?

  Then everybody started cheering.

  “We did it!” said Ryan, giving me a high five. “We pranked her good!”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Miss Banks can dish it out, but she can’t take it.”

  “I guess we showed her,” said Alexia. “Revenge is sweet!”

  It felt great to get back at Miss Banks. But then Little Miss Wet-Blanket had to chime in.

  “But wait . . . What are we going to do now?” asked Andrea. “We don’t have a teacher. They’re going to have to hire a new teacher.”

  Hmmm, no teacher. Ryan, Michael, and I snapped into action and did what we always do when there’s no grown-up in the room. We got up on our desks and shook our butts at the class. It was hilarious.

  And you’ll never believe who walked through the door at that moment.

  Nobody! How many times do I have to tell you? PEOPLE CAN’T WALK THROUGH DOORS! You should really pay more attention when you’re reading. But you’ll never believe who walked through the doorway.

  It was Miss Banks!

  “Eeeeeek!” screamed Alexia. “She’s back!”

  “As I was saying,” Miss Banks told us, “starting tomorrow, we’re going to work on natural resources and ecosystems and—”

  “Wait a minute,” I interrupted her. “You said that you quit.”

  “Yeah!” everybody agreed.

  “Quit?” said Miss Banks with a laugh. “Don’t be silly. I was just pranking you! You’re stuck with me for the rest of the year!”

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Miss Banks will stop pulling pranks on us all the time. Maybe I’ll get some real brownies, doughnuts, gum, and Oreos that aren’t filled with toothpaste. Maybe a truck full of quadrilaterals will fall on Andrea’s head. Maybe I’ll learn how to spell “splurgle” and “spinkheimer.” Maybe I’ll run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. Maybe an asteroid will strike the earth tonight so I won’t have to go back to fourth grade. Maybe somebody will invent a voice-activated paper towel dispenser. Maybe we’ll find a Sloop Lirpa.

  But it won’t be easy!

  Note to Readers

  At the end of My Weirder-est School #12, it said there was a mistake in the book and it would be explained in My Weirdtastic School #1. Well, here it is: when the kids finally opened their math books to page 23, it said 2 + 2 = 4. But actually, back in My Weirder School #7 it was already revealed what was on page 23—the eleven times table.

  Special thanks to my Facebook followers, who gave me many of the ideas for the pranks in this book: James Hawkins, Jakob Nedlberg, Kelly LaCombe Brusgard, Sandra Lynn Macias, Jason Carr, Nina Maria, Tracey Jarossy, Laura Slattery Wiggins, Juli Gordon Olson, Heidi Margaret, Lise Criswell, Linda Davino Piro, Anne Adamakos DeDona, Melissa Millintschuk Lewert, Jackie Lugg, Tiffany Ryals, Julie Ruminer, Melanie Beth, Suzanne Flick Kurasz, and Kristin Cerbone.

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

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  Copyright

  MY WEIRDTASTIC SCHOOL #1: MISS BANKS PULLS LOTS OF PRANKS! Text copyright © 2023 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2023 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  Cover art © 2023 by Jim Paillot

  * * *

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2022940750

  Digital Edition FEBRUARY 2023 ISBN: 978-0-06-320693-9

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-320691-5 (pbk bdg) — ISBN 978-0-06-320692-2 (trade bdg)

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  FIRST EDITION

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