“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said. “It’s just a bit weird.”

  “What is?”

  “This entire situation with you and her. It’s just not what I had ever thought of.”

  It was clear she was struggling to string an understandable sentence together but I hadn’t the faintest idea as why.

  “What had you thought of then?” I probed, wanting an answer.

  Suddenly the teacher walked into the room and called for silence. By the time we we’re able to talk again I had forgotten about what she was trying to say so we just moved the subject on and continued our normal silly conversations. This time we decided that it would be funny painting odd symbols all over the classroom one day and pretending to be possessed by demons or something along those lines. Twice we were told off for laughing too much but by the end of the lesson, any thought of Jenny’s odd behaviour towards this situation was forgotten as we headed to meet Elise for science and then eventually lunch arrived.

  We all purchased sandwiches in the food court and devoured them, Elise taking a little while longer to finish than Jenny and I. She kept looking like she was about to heave the food back out of her mouth but she forced it down. I kept quiet but my worry was building. I know I hadn’t known her long and I didn’t know if this was normal or not, but, because she said she had never been to hospital before… I could just tell something was wrong but I was too afraid to speak up. Jenny gave me an uncertain look halfway through the meal and clearly, she was just as worried.

  We didn’t say anything though. Elise seemed to want to just push through whatever was happening so we just pretended like it wasn’t an issue. Before the rest of the day’s lesson though, Jenny and Elise both took to the girls’ lavatory and I was required to hang around for about five minutes before they both returned. Elise’s eyes looked a little red and sore but she had a smile on her face as our eyes met. Jenny looked proud for some reason.

  “I’ll tell you later,” she whispered in my ear as we entered the classroom.

  Soon enough the day was over and the time for the weekend to begin had arrived.

  “So how was your first week?” I asked positively as we exited the school premises and began walking home.

  “Best school yet!”

  Elise laughed back.

  “Well, it is school!” Jenny chimed in. “So, it can’t be that amazing.”

  “Well to me you two make it better than any other.”

  “Alright, alright!”

  Jenny laughed.

  “No soppy crap.”

  We all laughed and Elise coughed slightly. The way back was filled with a joyous mood and everything was almost perfect. It would have been if not for Elise’s coughing lurking around, haunting us. Warning us not to get too happy… threatening us.

  “See you in about an hour, yeah?” Elise said softly as we reached her home.

  “Sure.”

  I smiled back.

  “As soon as my parents are gone, we should be fine,” she said, almost reminding herself of her own plan. “They should be gone in half an hour so an hour wait would be fine.”

  I agreed and we hugged quickly. Then Jenny and Elise shared a little look, one that felt secretive, cheeky, like they were keeping something from me. I instantly put my defences up as I hated being left out of something and quickly began walking off.

  “See you later!”

  I waved back, trying not to seem too rude.

  It didn’t take long for the distance between us to grow and I let out a huge sigh, thinking that I was about to be secluded from my own group. My despair grew as I feared I would have no one if they left me.

  “Hey!” Jenny called as she caught up with me. “Slow down, will ya?”

  I mumbled something I didn’t even recognise as words and Jenny stopped me still.

  “What’s up, pleb?”

  “Nothing,” I mumbled.

  “Liar.”

  I sighed.

  “Sorry… just thoughts.”

  “About?” Jenny coaxed.

  “You two leaving me behind…” I whispered softly, hoping she wouldn’t hear.

  “What?” Jenny gasped.

  “Why – why would we ever do that?”

  I rubbed my face with my hands trying to wipe away the paranoia.

  “I saw you two share a look—”

  “So?”

  “You’re keeping something from me.”

  Jenny laughed.

  “Oh, you, complete idiot!” she cried as she sat on a garden wall.

  “Right,” she began. “So, you know when I went to the loo earlier with your not girlfriend?”

  I nodded, curious on how far from my fears the reality was.

  “Well, it’s tradition for us girls to gossip and give advice in those toilets.”

  She paused for a second.

  “It’s like our own little therapy room.”

  “The toilet is your therapy room.”

  I smirked, my mood growing back to happiness slowly.

  “No. Sort of… ish,” she said trying to find the right words to say. “Anyway, when we were in there, I asked her about why she didn’t say that she loved you back.”

  “You did what?” I gasped, a slight anger emphasising my words of surprise. “Why did you do that? She wasn’t meant to know I told you that!”

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “I—” I paused, trying to find a reason why she shouldn’t have been told.

  “It’s private.”

  I tried to convince her, and more importantly, myself.

  Jenny simply shook her head and laughed in dismissal.

  “Anyway, Pleb, she told me that she does feel the same way but is just too used to losing people close to her and is simply just scared.”

  I sat in silence and pondered about her words as she continued. I related to everything that she was describing about Elise. I was terrified of losing people as she was. I, however, always tried to hand out my feelings as quick as I could in case, I lost them before I could speak my mind. She was the opposite of me but in some way the same. It’s kind of weird, I know. But it made sense to me and it later did to her as well. The same river flow by the end but different springs.

  “She just needs time and reassurance that you won’t leave her,” Jenny was still talking. “That’s it. Prove that you’ll never leave her and she’ll gain the courage to say how she really feels. Simple, right?”

  “I guess,” I said slightly dumbfounded after figuring out Elise completely. “Soo,” I said trying to let my words catch up with my thought train. “What now?”

  “Now you go on your little romantic evening, be yourself and remember that she does love you, just struggles to say it.”

  Jenny smiled.

  She looked proud of herself for sorting out the mystery of the lost words and was allowing the smugness get to her head.

  “I’m like your cupid!” She laughed.

  I flicked her arm, getting back my confidence and sarcastic tone.

  “Alright, don’t get cocky,” I warned. “Come on, I need a shower.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Showers are used for many purposes. Yes, they have their standard use for cleaning and some would argue that would be its most important function. For some however, they can be used for many reasons. One reason could be that someone has had a long day at work and they take a soak in a shower in order to reflect and use the warm water as a calming tool to rest their tired brain. Another reason could be for the use of meditation. There is something strange about the constant patting of warm water on someone’s body that enables the mind to escape and view certain problems and moments with an opening perspective.

  For me, my showers were always a place of thinking, over thinking and then washing everything away. I often used to have one before every day of school when I was younger until I became slightly lazy and then didn’t have time at all. My thoughts often contained my doubts and when they became to overpowering to take, I turned up the temperature to burn them out of me and then cool down after. It didn’t much hurt me either. I guess I had built up a large pain tolerance over the years from the aggressive anxiety I often had from my fears of what others thoughts of me.

  That day however, I was in a nice calming mood with a smile on my face and some cheesy songs, I dare not let you know about playing in the background. I happily sang and washed in the warm soothing water. I lathered different washing aids over my body and soon smelt of apples.

  It didn’t take long before I was out of the shower and already rushing to get dry. I was eager for the evening ahead of me and the possibilities it could hold. More spurred on by what Jenny had said about Elise loving me too. I was so quick in getting ready that I still had an entire half hour to go. Yes, I know I was quick, always was, but I simply just smiled, put on the telly for a while and relaxed some small nerves that we’re building.

  Slowly the minutes ticked by and I became more and more agitated by the dullness of having to wait for something I wish could’ve arrived hours ago. The telly didn’t help much so I turned it off and slowly slithered downstairs, trying to kill as much time as I could, before moving into the living room. Family members were there but they were too busy talking between themselves about a subject I wasn’t paying attention to. The kitchen was quiet enough and I decided that even though we were going to eat soon enough, I needed to do something, so food was the best option and most distracting.

  I decided to make a simple sandwich. First finding the bread in the top left cupboard, a loaf of fifty-fifty bread. Then the butter out of the fridge was next and I used a clean knife from the drawer to slather on as much butter as the bread could hold. I know to some that would be weird but I always used to say – still do – that if you’re having butter, you might as well have enough to taste it. My family used to hate that I did it as I often made us go through two tubs of butter a week, which was a lot for a family that barely even opened a tub of butter to make their sandwiches. Anyway, after the butter came not one but two thin slices of ham. Again, my mother moaned at this but what is the point of having such thin slices of ham? You again can’t taste it. It was just weird to me having food and only tasting dry bread with barely anything in between. Admittedly my task didn’t take long to make and even less so to devour, but it did take away another ten minutes. Twenty left.

  It took another minute to pour a drink of apple juice and finish it completely so I decided to go back upstairs, play two uplifting tracks from my younger years, singing along badly to each one, before placing my shoes on and sitting on the steps. There was another ten minutes to go when I got bored yet again.

  “Bye,” I called out as I got up and walked out of my house.

  It was a warm afternoon and several kids with some parents were over the park. Deciding that I needed to waste some more time, determined to only arrive a couple of minutes either side of the schedule, I began walking towards the park. There were numerous voices circling the air at once and as I walked around the perimeter of the park, I tried my best to listen to in on some of the chatter.

  “That’s cheating!” a little girl called out from on top of the slide.

  “Na-ah!” a smaller boy called up at her. “I can’t believe David’s moving. I mean, it’s understandable after Hilary’s death but still…” A woman was saying to her friend.

  “Gotcha!” the little boy said again.

  “Mum! Ben’s cheating!”

  “How am I?”

  “Ben, stop cheating,” the woman who hadn’t talked piped up.

  “But Mum!” the boy moaned.

  “Stop it or we’ll go home.”

  I continued around the left side of the park to where a couple of teenagers were sitting.

  “So, what are we going to do later?” one boy asked a fellow boy.

  “Dunno,” the boy replied bluntly.

  “It’s kind of crap here, isn’t it?” a ginger girl with too much makeup said.

  “Could go back to mine,” the first boy said slightly cheesy.

  “In your dreams, ass-hat.”

  “Why not?” the second boy asked. “He got a PlayStation.”

  The girl rolled her eyes.

  “Your parents are home, ain’t they?”

  The first boy nodded as I dawdled behind them.

  “Mine are away!” the girl boasted. “Could get pissed up mine tonight.”

  “Ahh sweet,” the second boy said.

  “And you never know,” the girl teased. “I’m quite wild when drunk.”

  Suddenly there was a crash from the slide and a wailing of screaming.

  “Ben!” the mother called out as she rushed over where it seemed that he had fallen from half way up the slide. “Are you okay, baby?”

  The teenagers laughed and walked off in the direction I guessed the girl lived while the mother fussed over her son.

  “What happened, Lilly?” the first woman asked.

  I guessed that she must be the girl’s mother.

  “He just slipped!” she explained, looking slightly shaken from seeing her friend fall. “Is he okay?”

  “He’s fine,” Ben’s mother said. “I’ll take him home. See you tomorrow?”

  “Sure thing,” the girl’s mother said. “Hope you get better soon, Ben.”

  I decided to switch off from the conversation as I neared the exit of the park. Only four minutes remaining. Starting to walk towards Elise’s house I felt a sense of calm. One that I wasn’t sure to be true or not. My life had just begun to be perfect with Jenny and Elise. It seemed to sooth even the darkest of thoughts that I had. But, even then, I kept feeling like this wasn’t my world, that I would be brutally awoken from this perfect dream. A replica of my biggest dreams falsified in order to torment my mind further. Yeah, unfortunately I kind of had dark thoughts like that sometimes.

  Luckily, I believed that it was my reality and I deserved to be happy after everything that had happened in my past. So, when I arrived at Elise’s door, I was relaxed and warmed by her beautiful smile as she opened the door to me.

  “Safe to come in?” I asked slyly, trying to be funny about us sneaking about.

  She giggled softly.

  “Yeah, I think so. Come in.”

  She moved to the side and let me in.

  Her house was very similar to mine in ways of structure. The short but wider hallway leading from the door contained a dark, maroon coloured carpet staircase pressed against the left wall. To the right of the stairs, it extended back into a small white tiled kitchen. It was hard to tell whether it was tidy or messy. Maybe it was a bit of both. We turned to the right and into a large living room – slash dining room in one – with the same fluffy maroon carpet. To the right stood a single comfy looking armchair with a fur covered footstool and past the two windows, looking out onto the street, stood a television with a games console just to the left. Further in was a feebly varnished table and a couple of pictures on a counter pressed tightly against the far wall. There were a large set of sliding window pained doors that had similar maroon styled curtains hanging low, leaving the room feeling a little dark and mysterious, maybe even scary.

  A sudden meow made me jump and I turned to find Elise holding a single brown cat. Another cat – this time a black and white patched cat – jumped onto the single armchair and snuggled into a ball, it’s eyes seemingly glaring at me.

  “Chestnut and butter,” she said, first indicating to the one in her arms and then at the one on the chair.

  “I don’t think they like me.”

  I laughed as I felt a slight tingle in my eyes.

  Elise looked down at the cats that still stared at me before replying. She explained that they often didn’t like intruders into their home and that eventually they’ll get used to me. A small sound of scratching against glass began and I turned to see a third cat, messy and in need of a haircut, scratching at the glass doors.

  “Oh,” Elise said. “And that’s whiskers.”

  “She looks like she wants to go outside.”

  Elise agreed and tried to put chestnut down on a double sofa next to us. It didn’t feel like moving clearly and hung tight to her arms. She laughed.

  “Okay, they are a bit scared.”

  She began making soft twitching sounds to the cat, trying to relax it. It sounded odd to me and I never understood why cat owners always made those sounds. To me it just sounded silly and I laughed as the glass scratching intensified. I suggested that I let the third cat out and Elise looked at me gratefully.

  I walked past the table towards the glass door. But, as I neared, the third cat, whiskers, stood alert and hissed at me. I stood still not knowing what to do as the burning sensation in my eyes grew slightly, a trickle of tears beginning to form behind my eyes. Elise just watched me as I took a tiny step forward. The cats hiss grew louder as I became nervous. I wasn’t sure if it would attack or not. I took one more step.

  Suddenly I jumped as the cat let out a loud shriek and bolted away from the door, around the outskirts of the room and out of the room, keeping as much distance from me as it possibly could. It had darted so quickly that I was stunned for a few moments as my eyes just followed the creature in mild amusement.

  “Soooo—”

  “Looks like he hates you!” Elise laughed.

  “You think?” I say ironically in a slightly higher pitch.

  “Just a bit,” she tried to mimic before sitting on the sofa and laughing at my raised eyebrows. “You know you look like I have just slapped you?”

  “And how would you know what I look like if you slapped me?” I challenged cheekily.

  “Just a fun thought I had.” She laughed.

  I shook my head, laughing softly, before opening the door for the cats and made my way to the sofa and sat down next to her. It was comfy and as I leant back to relax, Elise popped the cat down on the floor and moved slightly towards me cautiously. I understood her intentions so I smiled and lifted an arm so she could snuggle up to me before reaching down the back of the sofa and pulling out the television remote.

  “Easier to find if its already lost!” She laughs as she waves it about a little before pressing the red button on the top left of the remote.