“I can’t,” I said. The tears streaming down my face were hot, burning like the fire that had threatened us all.

  “Please,” she said. “As much as it’s hurting you to hold it in, it’s hurting me not knowing his last moments. Please.”

  “I killed him,” I said. The words tumbled out before I could stop them.

  She stifled a gasp. “What?”

  “If they’d ever found a body, there would be a bullet in the back of his skull, where I killed him. I killed him because he was my best friend and he asked me to. He didn’t want to—to die like that…from that monster.”

  Lacy held onto my hand. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for telling me. The thought of him burning while that creature did whatever it wanted to to him was killing me. I know you think what you did was the worst thing anyone could ever do, but it wasn’t. You helped him. You helped him where no one else could.”

  I sobbed quietly, and Lacy pulled me to her.

  “Please never think you did the wrong thing.”

  I wiped my eyes. “I didn’t know you were expecting again,” I said. “How could I not know?”

  “You’ve been under a lot of pressure; so has he. You both were doing the best you could. So was I.”

  “He didn’t know?”

  She shook her head.

  Fuck, he didn’t know he was going to be a father again. That, that was…

  “Make sure you’re at the funeral, please.”

  “We’re carrying him,” I said. Well, the pretend him. “We’d never have it any other way. We’ll see him out, no matter how much it hurts, no matter who does or doesn’t want us there. I would never let him down. Never.”

  “You never have,” she said.

  The door went again, and Malaki stood there, looking at Lacy, then me, her mouth open.

  Lacy pushed back, leaving my hand cold. She went to Malaki and wrapped her arms around her. I heard their whispers, but not their words. I laid my head back and waited for someone, anyone to reach me.

  Malaki sat on the edge of the bed, touched my arm. “You okay?”

  I shook my head. “You?”

  She shook hers, too. “No, but come on. I want to take you up for some air.”

  “Up?”

  “We have permission from the CO for some airtime.”

  “That would be good,” I said. “Very good.”

  “Get dressed and meet me out front in five.” Malaki then left me and I dressed fast. I really needed to be back in the air, to shower all the thoughts, the pain away. To do what we did best: fly.

  It was silent, it was reactive, it was perfect.

  ***

  Jim and Alba had left a suit out for me, made of the richest silk I’d ever seen. I’d never felt anything like this on my skin, my healing skin. It was rich, richer than anything I’d ever owned, but it was needed.

  “You ready?” Malaki shouted through the door at me.

  I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I ever wanted to be ready to do this, to say goodbye to one of my closest friends. Almost about to go for the door, I remembered something. E’toro’s letter, I went to my bag, reaching deep into the top pocket, and I pulled it out. Safely, I tucked it inside my jacket.

  Taking one deep breath then, I moved to and opened the door, seeing the concern in Malaki’s red raw eyes.

  “I’m okay,” I lied.

  “Car is here. We need to go.”

  “I know.” I did. I knew I’d heard it. I hated it. I didn’t want to do it.

  I was supposed to be one of the bearers, the one at the front.

  I didn’t want to do it now, not ever. I really didn’t.

  But I had to. Niko and my friends were relying on me to do this one thing for him, to help see him off into the ether, to meld with everything around us. His nites probably had already been distributed about his wealth. This was the last of it spent on his funeral. On us all saying goodbye to him.

  I sat in silence in the car. Waited for my cue as we reached the funeral home.

  I didn’t want to see what was coming, but I had to.

  “You ready?” Nansa asked to my left.

  “Together,” I said.

  We opened the doors, and I climbed out, waiting patiently for the car doors to open. When it did, Nansa and I stepped forward, hands on the casket. We knew Niko wasn’t in there. His body, what was left of it—and I knew there was something—would have been sent to the med lab. They’d have harvested everything they could, and he’d sanctioned it. Niko was like that, down to the last detail. He wanted someone, anyone, to benefit from his life or his death.

  I glanced out into the crowd as we lifted. Then, spreading the weight of the casket out, we walked. Side by side, Declan and Walter behind us, followed by Malaki and Ren at the back.

  The funeral parlor was all for show, none of it was real. This was, after all, inside AW. It was the only way all his family, all the people on his side, could be here. To take part. To see us lay him to rest, properly.

  As we walked through past everyone sitting, standing, a song came on above us, one I didn’t know well, but I had heard before.

  I glanced at Nansa, his eyes full of tears, yet he never let them fall. We reached the front and settled the casket on the rolling base, dipped our heads, and stepped back.

  I stepped in line with Malaki then, and we took our seats at the front.

  I never heard a word Niko’s brother said, or his father. Malaki held my hand in hers and I kept my head down. My nodes hurt sitting on anything at the moment. As much as I had the best surgeons they could get me, or the next best tech. I had really damaged everything I was doing as I had, and I’d do it again. They all knew it. For now, I had to heal.

  Malaki had asked me what I’d done, but I had no answers for her, just as much as I’d no answers for the CO. I had done what was needed; I bridged the gap between helo and DP to get what I wanted, what I needed.

  The curtain closed before me, and I knelt as they said a prayer. I listened, and I took it all in. Everyone filed past us, everyone left. Only Malaki stayed with me.

  “You didn’t need to,” I said.

  “Yes, I did,” she said. “Come on, the others will still expect us to share a drink, even if you don’t want to.”

  I nodded, and she helped me up. I’d gone stiff as a post. My legs didn’t even want to work.

  We took a car to a nearby hotel, there we got fed and watered. And we sat listening and talking to the others in the team. When I moved off, I saw Niko’s brother again and his father, and this time, they waved me over. I couldn’t ignore them now. I shouldn’t ignore them now. It wasn’t fair. Roe stood at the side of the room, with them, lost. Family was like that. You could be surrounded by everyone, yet still feel like the only one in the room.

  I’d seen Jim and Alba from the corners of my eyes, but I’d avoided them as much as Roe. Now, I couldn’t help but feel the guilt deep inside me.

  So I walked to them, where we talked. I let them tell me how much their son, their brother thought of me, how much he talked about Malaki and me. I had never known he thought that much of me, and it broke my heart. He really wanted to be on our team from the start, no one else, and his father let spill that Justin had tried to recruit him out from under us, but he’d flat out refused, even refused a med upgrade out of this world and a bonus no one should have said no to.

  That made me smile on the inside. He had been out to protect us at all costs, just like my father had protected his men, his friends.

  When they left to mingle with others, Roe went with them, not even looking my way, that fire I saw in her at Rise, gone. Just like Niko was.

  I sat at the bar, alone.

  95

  Someone put a drink in front of me, and I didn’t care who had bought it. I picked it up. “Thanks,” I said and turned to see Justin.

  Shit, what did he want?

  I noticed him staring at Malaki. She’d dropped something and was bending over to pick it up. The still-pink healing scar up her spine showed where material met flesh. She turned around as she stood, clocking the both of us staring at her. Her face flushed, and she was collared by Sergeant West before she could head over.

  “She likes you,” Justin said. “A lot.”

  “What do you mean?” My drunken mind spun.

  “Just that she really likes you.”

  Was he jealous of our friendship?

  “We barely tolerate each other,” I lied. “Working partners.”

  “No,” Justin said, his eyes meeting mine, and I saw that green-eyed monster. “She likes you more than that.”

  Uncomfortable silence stretched before us, and the turmoil inside me grew worse. The loss of Niko, the thought Malaki was into me.

  I highly doubt it, Apex said.

  Do you think he’s lying?

  As you are thinking and mainly seeing, he’s jealous.

  So he likes her?

  A lot, I’d say.

  Shit, we didn’t need that either. Any of it.

  Justin downed his next drink and went to order the bottle. “I have one question for you. Be honest.”

  “What?”

  “Are what the reports say true?”

  I had yet to learn what the reports said. I hadn’t dared look.

  Justin settled the bottle of alcohol before me, and I stared at it, needing it. “Thanks.”

  “No,” Justin whispered, downing his last drink and sliding the glass back to the barman. “Thank you. No one else got to see the lieutenant general’s report. They buried that as fast as they buried Niko’s last remains.”

  I looked at him. There was something else in his eyes; he looked red-eyed and was clearly as drunk as me. “How’d you get to see it, then?”

  “You know how, same way as you get to see anything in this world. I paid for it and a heavy, heavy price.”

  I downed the rest of the drink, never tasting it, and asked the bartender to get us some more. “What do you want, Justin?”

  “Most of the report’s blacked out. I paid more than top whack for this, yet no one could get me those blacked-out pages.”

  “So? They were shitty hackers.”

  “No, they were the best. Whatever they’re hiding about you, they didn’t want anyone, anyone at all, to find out.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t care what he thought, not really. Not anymore, and certainly not today.

  “So why the thanks? What did I do to deserve that?”

  “You put a bullet in him,” he said, lowering his eyes. “Your best friend.”

  The sob that almost escaped my lips was quickly swallowed with another mouthful of whiskey. I couldn’t speak.

  Justin put his hand on my back. Something I never ever expected and yet found I needed. “Rusty, we might be at odds; we might have this—”

  “What?” I asked, shooting him a glare. “Hatred of each other?”

  “Whatever it is, yes. Hatred…no.” Justin downed his drink and moved to stand. “Despite all that, I need you to know that what you did, you have my utmost respect for, and thanks. Niko was a good man, a very good man.”

  Our eyes met briefly, and the turmoil in his was unmistakable.

  I dipped my head, swallowed all the words I wanted—no, needed—to let out, and closed my eyes.

  When I looked up once more, he was gone.

  I let anyone around me get me more and more drinks, and when Malaki joined me a while later, I was swimming with alcohol. I’d not let myself drink this much ever. It fueled my pain, my anger, and I just let it stew in my stomach.

  “You should stop,” Malaki said.

  “Stop. Why? What’s going to happen if I stop? Will it all go away?” I heard the slur to my words. I was so drunk. Drunker than drunk.

  Her face paled, and her body shook. “Please, Rus,” she said. “I need you right now. I don’t want this…this version of you, it’s not you.”

  All the talking around stopped; everyone was staring at us. I grabbed her wrist, almost dragging her outside, much to her surprise. Her eyes sought mine, her face pinked from all her crying.

  “How do you need me?” I asked.

  “What?” She rubbed her wrist slightly. “What do you mean? You know how I need you.”

  Had I really got hold of her that hard? Fuck.

  “I need to know something.” I really slurred my words, but I had to say this, all of this. It was killing me. “Promise me you’ll be honest.”

  “Of course,” she said. “I’d never lie to you.”

  “You don’t like me, like me, do you?” This was all the alcohol talking. The stupidity of Justin’s words, all the people talking shit. I’d been listening too much to them and not to her, to us.

  “That’s a stupid question,” she said. “What are you asking?”

  “Do you like me?”

  “Rusty.” She still rubbed her wrist again. “I more than like you; I don’t get it…”

  I put my hands on her arms and squeezed her a little too roughly. “I mean, you don’t want more of me than friends, right? You don’t want…”

  “Oh.” She pulled back, her face flushing. “What’s gotten into you?”

  “I jus—something someone keeps saying. That our relationship will impede our job.”

  “Someone,” she spat. “You mean Justin, still filling your head with shit…right?”

  “Is he right?”

  “He’s jealous, seriously jealous.”

  I tried to look away, but she pulled me back to her.

  “Rus,” she said. “I don’t want to fuck you. I don’t want to be with you in any other capacity than what we have now.”

  “Friends?” I asked.

  “No,” she said, and she shook her head. “I’m not accepting that either. I want more than friends because that’s what we need. We’re more than two people who work together. When we’re connected in that helo, what do you feel?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. The world around me spun. I felt sick.

  “Here,” she said and handed me a bottle of liquid.

  I almost threw it away; I didn’t want to sober up. I knew what it was, the alcohol antidote.

  “Drink it. Now.”

  I felt so sick, the world spinning around me. I popped the cap and smelled it; it was a potent potion, too. It tasted of cabbages and, ugh, mint. I almost vomited there and then, but I did down it. My eyes met hers, still swimming.

  It’s not going to work that fast, Apex said.

  I stared at her, Niko was my best friend, but she was…what was she?

  “I think you need this answer as much as I need you to say it.” Her shoulders slumped, and she ran a hand through her straggly and knotted hair. This was totally not like her at all. “Please say it.”

  I thought, I thought hard; the alcohol was very much coding my mind, and I slapped the side of my head. “I can’t put words to it, to us.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  It was almost like I was trying to grab drones from another helo, but the thoughts came together, at least sort of. “We’re partners,” I said, leaning against her, and she steadied me.

  The antidote hummed through my body. I was so confused. Was the warmth from the alcohol or from her? It was hard to tell, and I didn’t really need to know the answer at that moment.

  A straightforward truth stared at me through it all. “I need you, you need me, but on a level where there’s more than love, more than trust, more than friendship. It’s all of that and then some.”

  “Yes,” she said, her breath warm against my face. “Now you’re getting it. I’m the one person above anyone else you can rely on, beyond anything else.”

  “You’ve got my back?”

  She ran her hands down my shoulders, tightening the hug around me. “I’ve more than got your back. I am your back. I am everything you need, and you’re everything I need.”

  I swallowed, my mind cleaning a little and the world around me with it. “Thank fuck for that.”

  She laughed and slapped my arms before letting me go. “You didn’t really think I just wanted you in the sack, did you?”

  “I hoped not.” I meant it, too. She knew that.

  “Good.” She moved to go back inside. “I’ll see you on the inside when you’ve sobered up a bit more, yeah?”

  I nodded, my eyes drifting to the ocean, the lulling sounds of the waves. “I’ll just stay here a while longer. I like the sound of the ocean. It’s relaxing.”

  “Don’t be too long,” she said. “I really do need you in there.”

  “I won’t,” I said. “Promise.” I waited while she turned and walked back to the bar. She wobbled slightly, and guilt flooded my veins.

  I’m here, Apex said. I’m sorry.

  Why are you sorry? My feet padded out to where the lapping waves met the sands. The light of the moon illuminated each and every one in soft silvers.

  I feel your loss, your pain. I wish I could help more.

  My fingers were cold, and I slipped them inside my jacket, cradling myself. Emotions so raw, so painful as the alcohol wore off, I wanted to die.

  It should have been me, I said.

  Why? Apex asked. Why should it have been you? What makes you more disposable than Niko?

  I hugged myself tighter, soft sobs escaping my lips. There I felt the corner of E’toro’s letter. I pulled it out, and with a finger tracing the slippery curve of each word, I could only just make out. I read the script once more, knowing who had lovingly written them. Rock bottom.

  “No matter how much we’ve been through,” I said aloud, turning the letter over. “This is rock bottom.”

  Rusty, Apex said.

  My fingers traced the raised detail to its paper folds; it was beautiful. Handcrafted. I had no doubts; no one mass-produced paper anymore. I slid my pinky under the edge, and ever so gently, I opened it.

  Sucking in deep breaths and then sobbing, I fell to my knees. The ocean waves lapped at me, soaking my trousers.