But it was okay, she thought. Everything was in hand. They just had to get through the next two days and then it would all be sorted out, for the time being at least. Ellie had deliberately avoided the question of the money over the last week. Each time she’d spoken to Caroline, they had steadfastly ignored the subject. She had avoided it on purpose to give Caroline time to come round to their way of thinking so they didn’t have to argue. Caroline must have known the writing was on the wall, especially now she knew that she and Max could be outvoted.

  There was no need to crow, though, or rush to a conclusion. She and James still had over a week before the bills needed paying. That was plenty of time to get the funeral and party out of the way and distribute the cash so they would have it ready when the direct debits were drawn. Caroline had made her point, just as she was entitled to do, and now, knowing it would be overruled, there was time to conveniently overlook it and move on.

  It had felt strange, though, having conversations with her best friend, all the time knowing there was an underlying subtext, an elephant in the room. It was the first time it had ever happened between them and Ellie didn’t like it, but at least it would be the last. And it wasn’t as if they were short of other things to say to one another with so much going on. It would be nice to get back to normal, though. She was looking forward to it all being dealt with and in the past.

  Ellie shuffled up in bed a little and rearranged the pillows behind her until she was comfortable. She regretted not having had a quick word with James the day before about what her ‘birthday surprises’ were likely to be, because now she didn’t know whether she was supposed to be getting up or whether breakfast in bed was on the list. She imagined it would be. The girls still thought that to be served a meal in bed was the height of luxury. She had better stay where she was.

  She reached for her phone and texted James.

  Morning. It’s my birthday!!! What’s happening? Shall I stay put?

  She heard the text land, and then some shushing and whispered giggles. It seemed her birthday celebrants were just outside her bedroom. Then the door burst open and the three of them appeared, Olivia balancing a packed breakfast tray and James hovering just behind in case of disaster. Lucy followed, solemnly carrying a pile of presents in front of her rather like a pillow with a crown on top.

  ‘Happy birthday, Mummy!’ they all called out, James included.

  ‘Oh look!’ said Ellie, shuffling back in the bed so she was sitting up against the headboard. ‘What’s all this?’

  ‘It’s breakfast in bed,’ said Olivia proudly. ‘Which we know is your favourite thing.’

  James winked at Ellie over Olivia’s head and blew her a kiss.

  ‘And what do we have?’ asked Ellie. ‘Crunchy nut cornflakes and a croissant and juice and coffee! Wow!’

  ‘And a flower,’ said Lucy. ‘I did that part. I got it from the garden, didn’t I, Daddy?’

  ‘And I put the milk in a jug so the cornflakes didn’t go soggy,’ said Olivia, pleased with her planning.

  ‘Well, it all looks perfect,’ said Ellie. ‘Shall we ask Daddy to clear a space on the bedside table for it all?’

  Lucy looked disappointed that the tray wasn’t going to sit on the duvet like it did in the films, so Ellie added, ‘So we don’t spill the coffee and the juice.’

  ‘I’ve got your presents,’ said Lucy unnecessarily, as this much was obvious. ‘Do you want to open them?’

  ‘She has to eat her breakfast first,’ said Olivia.

  ‘Of course,’ said Ellie. ‘And it all looks so delicious.’

  She would have to tell James to talk them out of this in future. Eating with an expectant audience was no fun. She reached for the cup of coffee, which was disappointingly tepid when she took a mouthful. She worked hard to control her expression so the girls wouldn’t see and moved on to the croissant. The cereal was more than she could be bothered with.

  ‘You have to eat the cereal first,’ said Olivia, not missing a thing.

  Ellie sighed internally.

  ‘Oh yes, silly me,’ she said, and swapped the plate for the bowl. ‘We don’t have much time before school, though,’ she added. ‘So I might have to finish my breakfast when you have gone. Now, what have you got there, Lucy?’ she asked, giving Lucy a wink.

  Lucy beamed. ‘I told you. Presents,’ she replied. ‘And they’re all for you!’

  Ellie hadn’t asked for anything in particular, and was glad, given the recent revelations about their financial position, but she couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit disappointed when she opened the gifts to find a selection of her favourite things, tried and tested items from safe shops. Lovely, but just a little bit dull, she thought, then scolded herself for being ungrateful.

  By the time all the beautifully wrapped boxes were opened, they were getting precariously close to being late for school.

  ‘I’ll take the girls, if you like,’ offered James as Ellie raced to get herself ready.

  He was being thoughtful, but Ellie wanted to be in the playground herself, today of all days. Still, it was rare for James to make an appearance at school, and it would do no harm for him to be seen.

  ‘Why don’t we all go together?’ she suggested. ‘A family outing.’

  She could tell from his expression that James thought this to be a colossal waste of time, but today was her birthday and the funeral of her father, and so he smiled his agreement.

  ‘Nice idea,’ he said.

  ‘And don’t forget, girls, that there’s an extra-special treat today. You’ll be staying for after-school club and then Sophie’s mum is going to pick you up and take you back to her house for tea and a sleepover. Have you got all your things ready?’

  Ellie had checked the bags herself the previous evening. Olivia would pack the kitchen sink if left unsupervised.

  ‘I don’t want to go to Sophie’s house,’ moaned Lucy.

  Sophie was more Olivia’s friend than hers and they had a tendency to leave her out of their games, but needs must. Ellie had decided that the girls shouldn’t be at their grandad’s funeral and this was the best solution she could come up with in the absence of all their usual family babysitters, who would all be at the funeral too.

  ‘Come on now, Lucy. It’s just for this evening. You’ll be fine. Right. Let’s clean teeth and then we can all jump in the car.’

  Somehow, her birthday morning in the playground didn’t go quite as Ellie had imagined it in the many months leading up to the big day. Only a couple of women rushed over to give her hugs, and there were no gifts or cards. She wasn’t sure whether it was James’s presence that put people off, or in the morning rush they had forgotten about her, or simply that no one thought Ellie Fisher’s fortieth birthday was that big a deal. Maybe they were all waiting until the party, Ellie told herself. That made sense, she knew, but as she and James climbed back into the car to drive home, she couldn’t help but feel a little defeated by her disappointment.

  ‘What’s the plan for later?’ asked James as they drove home, as if they were meeting friends for brunch and not attending her father’s funeral.

  ‘Everyone is coming to ours first, and then the cars are picking us up around one thirty,’ she said. ‘Not Mum, though. She’s making her own way there.’

  James nodded, taking in the information.

  ‘And please can we not mention the money,’ Ellie added. ‘I don’t want things to get awkward. Today is going to be hard enough as it is without starting a row.’

  James opened his mouth as if to say something, but then seemed to think better of it and nodded. ‘Okay. I have a few bits and pieces to do in the office first,’ he said. ‘If that’s okay.’

  Ellie’s disappointment grew. Was she really going to have to be on her own on her birthday morning? She could feel a seed of resentment that her dad was stealing her thunder growing inside her, but she squashed it. She had chosen to sacrifice her birthday. She could hardly complain when it actually came to pass.

  So she spent the time arranging her presents and then began the task of getting ready. She had chosen to go with a black suit that she already had rather than buying something new, teaming it with a midnight blue silk shirt. It was classy and understated and nothing about it shouted that it was her birthday. She would brighten it up with some jewellery though.

  She flicked through her favourite pieces in her mind and settled on the diamond bracelet that James had bought her for Christmas. That would be perfect. It wouldn’t be on display all the time as it would be hidden by the cuff of the shirt, unless she lifted her arm and then it would sparkle and Ellie would feel secretly better that even on this very sad occasion, a part of her still twinkled.

  She went to her jewellery drawer and it was only when she looked into the bracelet’s box and found it empty that she remembered she had mislaid it. Her heart beat a little faster. It was an expensive piece, not a trinket, and she ought to have taken care of it. She recalled that the bracelet was under the bed somewhere and she got down on her hands and knees to search for it.

  Forty-five minutes later her back was aching – surely nothing to do with turning forty, not so soon – but the bracelet was still missing. Ellie sat down at her dressing table and let out an enormous, shuddering sigh just as James came into the room to begin getting ready.

  ‘Oh, what’s up, babe?’ he asked when he saw her. ‘It’ll be all right, you know. We just need to get today out of the way and then we can start to move on.’

  Ellie’s bottom lip quivered. ‘It’s not that,’ she said. ‘I can’t find my bracelet, the one you bought me for Christmas. I’m so sorry. I think I might have lost it. I’ve looked everywhere. I know I had it here last, I remember taking it off, but now I can’t find it.’

  She looked up, ready to take a tongue-lashing for having mislaid her very expensive gift, but rather than preparing to chastise her, James put his hand across his brow and his cheeks reddened.

  Ellie saw in an instant what had happened. ‘Did you sell my bracelet?’ she asked, not wanting him to tell her that he had, but suddenly certain that was where it had gone.

  ‘Pawned it,’ he said quietly.

  ‘Pawned it!’ Ellie was horrified. People like them didn’t pawn things. She didn’t even know where there was a pawn shop or how you would go about getting money from one.

  ‘But I’ll be able to get it back when we get the money,’ he added quickly. ‘I’m so sorry. I was desperate. I just didn’t know what else to do.’

  ‘But my bracelet. That was mine. You can’t give me a present and then take it back,’ Ellie said indignantly.

  And then something else occurred to her. ‘Hang on. I first realised it was missing not long after Christmas. That’s months ago. You told me the cash flow problems only started when Dad died. But that can’t be true. Not if you took the bracelet in January.’

  James sucked in a huge breath and let it out slowly before speaking. ‘The reason why it’s so bad now is because we didn’t have much in the war chest to start with. Our life is expensive, Ellie. And my money doesn’t come in every month like a salary. Some months are better than others. So I had to borrow a bit from our savings to tide us over and then . . .’

  This was a surprise to Ellie. She knew that their savings were temporarily gone. If they hadn’t been then they could have paid the mortgage and the school fees with those. But for it to have started going wrong so long ago? That was something new.

  ‘Why didn’t you talk to me?’ she asked, shaking her head as if that could change the situation. ‘You should have told me what was going on. We could have figured it all out together.’

  She stood up and went to put her arms around James. She should perhaps be angry with him but he looked so very forlorn that she just felt sorry for him. His head hung low, his shoulders rounded.

  ‘I didn’t want to worry you,’ he said. ‘I thought I could sort it all out without you ever finding out. It was a blip, that was all. And then . . .’

  Ellie squeezed him tightly and they stood in silence for a minute or so.

  ‘God, what a mess,’ said Ellie. ‘Thank God for Dad’s money, eh? At least we can get ourselves out soon. But you have to promise me that you will never let things build up like this again. We’re a team, James Fisher. I’m here to help.’

  She felt James nodding.

  ‘I’m sorry about your bracelet,’ he said. ‘I’ll get it back, I promise.’

  ‘Let’s not worry about that now,’ Ellie replied, suddenly feeling like the grown-up. ‘It would have been too much for the funeral anyway. I’ll wear my pearls instead. Far more suitable than diamonds.’

  They broke apart. She was going to be brave, Ellie decided. Then, when this was all over, she could look back and feel proud that when their backs were up against the wall, albeit temporarily, she hadn’t fallen apart.

  ‘Listen, why don’t we go out for coffee?’ James suggested. ‘I know it’s not much, but we can have cake to celebrate . . .’ His face fell again. ‘Oh shit. I forgot to get you a cake.’

  Ellie grinned at him. ‘It’s all in hand,’ she said. ‘Do you think I’d let that happen? No cake?! There will be one at the party tomorrow, don’t you worry. And as for today, a cake in a café would be perfect. But only if it’s chocolate.’

  49

  Ellie sat at one end of the front row of the crematorium, with spaces left for James and Nathan. Her mum, sitting at the other end, was perching right on the edge of the bench, as if she was ready to leap up and walk out at any moment. Caroline and her boys were tucked into the row behind. The boys looked smart in matching chinos with shirts and ties, although Theo kept tugging at his collar, trying to give his neck a little more space.

  Ellie felt a pang of regret that she hadn’t brought Olivia and Lucy. It was strange that there was a family gathering and they weren’t there. She dismissed the thought. It was the right decision to protect the children from this sadness, whatever Caroline thought, and Lucy was still a lot younger than the others in any event. Behind her, she could hear some fidgeting, Caroline issuing warnings in a low voice, and she felt smug. If her girls had been here they would have known how to behave.

  She risked a look at the room behind her. The crematorium was full, every seat taken and with standing room only for latecomers. There were people at the back and against the side walls. It was astounding, really. Had Dad had so many friends? It seemed hard to believe. He barely talked about anyone other than his golf buddies. She had seen them sitting a couple of rows behind her, sombre in dark suits and black ties. The rest must be people he’d known in an official capacity through his positions as councillor and then mayor. Then there would be a few hangers-on as there always were at these things. Ellie noticed a couple of her mum’s friends, there to give her moral support, no doubt.

  Overall, though, the room was packed with people who had all taken the time to come and pay their last respects to Tony Frost. It was touching and Ellie couldn’t help wondering whether there would be so many people at her own funeral. She doubted it.

  The woman playing the keyboard at the front had been working her way through a series of generic hymn tunes, which all sounded vaguely familiar without actually being recognisable, but then the music changed to the Elgar they had chosen for the arrival of the coffin. There was a general shuffling and pushing back of chairs as the congregation stood up.

  Ellie didn’t want to look but she couldn’t help it. There he was, her dad being carried up the aisle. Max and Nathan were at the front, the coffin resting awkwardly on their shoulders. Nathan was taller than Max and she worried about the box sliding to one side. There was a look of grim determination on Max’s face as he gripped it firmly, his fingers white. Nathan seemed to have taken himself to a different place and looked untroubled by his task. James was behind Max, evening things up a little, and the remaining three places were filled by the undertakers.

  They made slow progress up the aisle as ‘Nimrod’ built to its crescendo. Ellie blinked hard, swallowing back her tears. She couldn’t cry yet. She needed to hold on for as long as she could because she knew that once she let her emotions have full rein that would be it. There would be no stopping them.

  The men balanced the coffin on the stand at the front of the room, the professionals running a final check that it was stable and secure before making a discreet exit. James and Nathan slipped in beside her, Valerie making herself even smaller so they could squeeze past, and Max into the row behind.

  The coffin looked huge, although Tony hadn’t been a particularly big man. A simple bouquet of white lilies was resting casually across the lid as if someone had left it there and would be back to pick it up at any moment. The coffin seemed to be sucking all the energy out of the room as it sat there, all eyes drawn to it.

  Ellie made a conscious decision not to look. If she did it would make her think of what was inside, and that would bring the tears that she was trying so hard to stem. She was grateful they no longer sent the coffin trundling off down a little conveyor belt and into the furnace. Apparently it would stay precisely where it was for the duration of the service and then the undertakers would deal with it when all the mourners had left. That, at least, was a comfort.

  Ellie could hear Caroline reassuring Max in a low voice. As eldest sibling, he had been volunteered to give the eulogy. He wouldn’t be relishing that prospect, she knew – who would? Ellie had almost suggested that James do it, to save the three of them the additional pressure, but given the nature of the connections that had appeared between her husband and her dad since his death, it was probably just as well that she hadn’t.

  As the final chords of ‘Nimrod’ faded away, a tall, angular man in a shabby suit appeared and stood at the front. Ellie recognised him as the man who had come to the house to talk to them about the service and to whom she had given a potted history of her dad’s life. He smiled at the congregation but the smile seemed obsequious and didn’t spread further than the corners of his mouth. Tony hadn’t been religious, so a total stranger doling out platitudes at his funeral was how it was to be. Ellie didn’t let herself dwell on that either, her brain skipping quickly between thoughts before it had the chance to get too deeply embroiled in any of them.