Please don’t let me be immortal! I want this pain to end I can’t take it let me die let me die LET ME DIE!

  DUNCAN

  SAME TIME…

  The bugs.

  Still with the bugs.

  They’d gotten off the lake. They’d gotten out of the boat. They’d gotten to a safe spot.

  Then Lyon came back, tore off the door, and once again Duncan, Stu, and Chuck were being assaulted by hordes of flying, diving, stinging insects.

  The room at the top of the fire tower had filled with yet another swarm of unrelenting horrors, and they were too exhausted, too injured, and had lost too much blood, to keep swatting them away.

  For every two they killed, another would manage to get a sting in.

  And those numbers are bound to get worse.

  Poor Stu barely has any spots on his body that aren’t bleeding.

  Poor Chuck still has my fishing lure stuck in him, and can only defend himself one-handed.

  And even if we somehow survive this, even if we get rescued, how many eggs and larvae and maggots are in our flesh? Our blood? Our bellies and bowels?

  And the bastards keep going for our eyes.

  That’s their terrible plan.

  If they lay eggs in our eyes, we can’t see.

  If we can’t see, we can’t fight back.

  And then they win.

  But Duncan kept fighting.

  So did his buddies.

  Ride or die.

  Duncan smacked a dragonfly out of the air with the Playboy magazine, scratched at his swollen ankles covered with ant stings, and then smacked a horsefly on Stu’s shoulder.

  “You know something, Captain?” Stu said. “I’m very close to giving Duncan’s Fishing Vacation a not so flattering review on Yelp.”

  “Two stars, tops,” Chuck said.

  “Stay optimistic,” Duncan told them. “Things might turn around for the better.”

  And that’s when things actually turned around for the better.

  It started as a tiny, distant beep. Shrill and irritating, like his parent’s old digital alarm clock. But familiar in some way.

  The sound got closer, brighter, louder, until it was rattling the glass windows—

  —making all of the insects flee.

  Duncan and his friends watched, amazed, as every last flying terror left the room, zipping through the busted doorway.

  And standing in that doorway, holding the personal keychain alarm Duncan had given her on their third date…

  “Katie.”

  She ran to him, tugging off her bee helmet, her face soaked with tears, her hair clinging to her scalp with sweat, her eye makeup running so she looked like a drowned raccoon, and Duncan realized with absolutely no doubt that he was staring at the most beautiful woman to ever walk the earth.

  “You came for me,” he said above the wail of her alarm.

  “Nothing could keep me away.”

  He placed his hands on her waist. She went to hug him, then stopped.

  “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

  “Hurt me?” Duncan smiled. “Babe, you saved me.”

  He didn’t go full tilt when he kissed her, worried he might still have a critter or two wedged in his teeth, but the kiss was sweet and full of love and promise.

  When they ended the kiss, Duncan began to ask the question he’d been wanting to ask.

  But his dumb friends interrupted.

  “S’up, Katie,” Chuck said, giving her an up nod.

  “Yo,” Stu said.

  “Hi, guys.” Katie’s nose crinkled. “Stu… did you wet your pants?”

  “It’s been a day,” Stu said. “You look, uh, nice. I like the outfit.”

  “Guys, quit being awkward around my girlfriend.”

  Then Katie pulled away, her expression one of horror.

  “Duncan… there are… bugs… crawling out of your face, hon.”

  Duncan stepped back from her and looked at all of the stings on his hands. Grubs were escaping his wounds and then promptly dying.

  It’s the rape alarm. They can’t handle the sound.

  “It’s Katie’s siren,” Stu said.

  “No shit, Commander Obvious,” Chuck replied.

  “Want to know what else is obvious?” Stu yelled. “Right above us, on this roof, is the biggest damn siren in the county.”

  How in the hell did we not notice that?

  Duncan quickly limped to the circuit breaker panel on the wall, and opened up the metal door.

  It wasn’t a breaker box. It was a fuse panel.

  And it had a big, obvious lever switch on the side, currently in the OFF position.

  Duncan took a deep breath—

  —and switched it to ON.

  Nothing happened.

  Duncan tried it again.

  Nothing.

  “It was worth a try,” Duncan said.

  Katie held up her alarm. “We need to get to the boat before these batteries die.”

  And then they heard a roar. Something like angry thunder, but decidedly organic.

  Decidedly demonic.

  “What the hell was that?” Stu said.

  “Did we check to make sure Lyon was dead?” Chuck said. “We didn’t do that last time.”

  Stu pointed a finger at Duncan. “Did you say, Guys, we made it?”

  “I didn’t say that,” Duncan insisted.

  “Every time you say that, shit gets worse.”

  “I swear I didn’t say that.”

  The quartet cautiously left the room and peered down over the railing—

  —and saw Satan scarf down the last bits of Lyon.

  “Lyon wasn’t the big bad,” Stu said. “That guy is the big bad.”

  “Final boss,” Chuck said. “How many rounds you got left, Katie?”

  “Six, I think.”

  Duncan tried to recall what Andy said.

  “The demon is controlling the bugs. The bugs hate the siren. Maybe the demon hates the siren too.”

  “He may hate it,” Chuck said, still leaning over the edge. “But he’s coming up anyway.”

  Stu began to laugh, full blown hysterical. “This is hilarious. We just can’t get a break.”

  A break…

  But it isn’t a breaker box. It’s a fuse box.

  If a circuit breaker trips, you reset it.

  But if a fuse burns out…

  “Replace the fuse,” Duncan said out loud.

  Duncan went to the supply cabinet and opened the doors. Among the odds and ends were a few carboard boxes full of fuses.

  “Chuck! You’re a mechanic. Do you know fuses?”

  “I know car fuses. These fuses, I dunno.” Chuck picked up a box. “They look like little flat lightbulbs. I guess you screw the old one out, screw the new one in?”

  “Katie, cover the door. Guys, let’s find the fuse that’s blown.”

  There were twelve glass fuses in the box, with various multicolor rims.

  “How do we know which one is blown?” Stu asked.

  “Fuses have a metal band in them. When the fuse blows, the band is broken inside.”

  “The demon’s on the third level,” Katie said.

  Duncan squinted at the fuses.

  These all look like they work fine. None of them…

  “There!” Stu pointed.

  Chuck unscrewed it and sure enough the metal band was gone and there were the faintest traces of soot inside the glass.

  Duncan matched the color to one of the new fuses in the cartons, handed it to Chuck. Chuck screwed it in and tried the lever and—

  Nothing happened.

  “Maybe there’s more than one that’s blown,” Stu said.

  “It’s here!” yelled Katie, her own words immediately drowned out by the BOOM! of her shotgun.

  Duncan knew he needed to look for more bad fuses, but felt compelled to turn around and watch as Satan stepped through the doorway, taking a shot in the chest, then another, then swatting Katie across the room, her gun flying in the opposite direction.

  She landed hard.

  She also landed on her rape alarm, which instantly cut out.

  Stu went for the dropped shotgun.

  Chuck threw himself at the panel, moving his finger over the rows of fuses.

  “Uuuuuuuuuuuun-caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,” the demon wailed from its bloody, meaty mouth opening, pointing at Duncan.

  Is that my name?

  Does that thing know who I am?

  Stu grabbed the shotgun, pressed the trigger.

  Nothing happened, but—Wisconsin boy—so he pumped a shell in and hit Satan in the horn, blowing it clean off.

  Stu racked in another round, but the devil dodged it, insanely quick, and Stu managed to hit it in the leg with the final round and then dove under a swatting claw and barely missed getting his head knocked off.

  Then the bugs came back because; of course they did.

  “Red one!” Chuck cried. “I need a red one!”

  Duncan grabbed the box of red fuses, but Satan got between him and Chuck, so Duncan yelled, “Catch!” and tossed the box to Stu.

  The devil followed the trajectory of the box like he was watching a football play, somehow knowing how important those fuses were.

  “Chuck, don’t miss this time!”

  Stu threw it, and Duncan watched it soar through the air, the same way he watched his pliers soar through the air just before Chuck fumbled the catch and they went into the water.

  But this time Chuck made the play. He dug out a fuse, twisted it into the slot, and grabbed the lever—

  —and the demon wrapped its claw around Chuck and lifted him up and away from the fuse box and shoved Chuck’s head into its toothless mouth hole.

  Duncan locked eyes with Katie, who was sitting up, her shoulder at an odd angle, and he was sure his face looked as terrified as hers did and he couldn’t believe this was happening because they were so close, so close, so damn close…

  I’m pulling that lever.

  Even if it kills me.

  Duncan crouched, ready to charge past the devil, and just before he did he heard.

  “Hey, Bub! What happened to your mouth? Was that me?”

  Duncan looked in the doorway and saw a man. A scarred, bloody man holding a shotgun.

  Next to him stood Sun, holding an AR-15.

  The demon dropped Chuck and roared.

  Sun and the stranger unleashed a hailstorm of bullets, ripping the devil to shreds, forcing him to cover up his eyes while he cowered in the corner of the room, and Duncan saw his chance and crawled under the gunfire and reached the lever and pushed that sucker up—

  —and the fire siren rang out, and it was the loudest thing, and the most beautiful thing, Duncan had ever heard.

  The bugs in the room instantly exploded, and Duncan felt pops all over his body as the eggs and larvae were cleansed by the immense wave of sound, and the demon might have screamed but no one could hear it and then it threw itself at the window and burst through, black wings billowing out from the folds in its back like a parachute.

  Then Sun was helping Katie up, and Duncan joined them, making sure his girlfriend was okay before going to Chuck, whose head was wet with spit but didn’t look any worse than before the demon sucked on it, and the stranger was helping Stu who also seemed okay and all five of them stumbled out of the room and somehow made it down the stairs and through the woods and onto Sun’s boat.

  But Sun didn’t start the motor.

  Duncan had a bad moment where he thought that maybe her boat wouldn’t start. That they’d be trapped on this lake forever. And he was about to shout a question to her, needed to shout because of the ringing in his ears, but Sun put her finger to her lips.

  That’s when the demon swooped down and landed on the shore because; of course it did.

  But, apparently, for the first time all day, someone came prepared.

  “Hey, Bub!” Sun yelled. “Go fuck fuck fuck yourself!”

  And she pressed the screen of her cell phone and the whole forest seemed to explode and the devil was blown to bits and its blood fell like rain, turning Lake Niboowin red.

  KATIE

  A LITTLE LATER…

  Sun was able to pop Katie’s dislocated shoulder back into place, and then she started the boat and headed back across the lake as the fire tower continued to blare in the most wonderful, magical way.

  Duncan and his friends looked like they’d just had a dance party in a blender.

  All of them look like they’re ten seconds away from dying.

  So why are the three of them smiling like idiots?

  Boys are weird.

  Duncan held Katie’s hand, gently as if he was afraid he’d break it.

  “So… there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you…”

  “Yes,” Katie told him.

  He raised a bloody eyebrow. “You want to move in with me?”

  “I want to move in with you.”

  “Nice.” He looked at his friends. “Guys, she said yes. We’re moving in together.”

  Neither of them seemed to give a shit.

  But I give a shit.

  I feel like I have a future with this man.

  And after what just happened, I’m sure we can get through whatever life throws at us.

  Sun slowed down as they approached her pier, and Andy stood there with the brush burner and a plastic tank of gasoline.

  “Leo, tie us on.” Sun killed the engine and coasted in. “Everyone, off the boat. Move it.”

  Katie didn’t like the urgency in her voice.

  “Stand on the shore,” Andy told them, helping each person out of the boat. “Just a precaution. This isn’t our first rodeo.”

  The group filed down the pier and stood there as Sun and Andy stared out over the water.

  Stu finally spoke up and asked, “What are they—”

  And then something leapt out of the lake and slapped onto the dock. Something big and wet and bleeding and so horribly mutilated it barely even resembled a demon.

  “Hi, Bub,” Andy said. “Bye, Bub.”

  Sun poured gas onto Bub, and Andy sparked up the brush burner and torched it.

  Andy called over his shoulder. “This always happens. We’ll be here for a while. Go in, call some ambulances, make yourselves at home.”

  “There are snacks in the pantry,” Sun said, continuing to sprinkle gas on the screeching, thrashing hellspawn. “And beer in the fridge.”

  “Is this as surreal to you guys as it is for me?” Katie asked the men.

  “I’m starting to get used to it,” Duncan said.

  He put his arm around her, and they watched the devil burn.

  LEO

  A LITTLE LATER…

  Leo’s hand fell off after the first round of beers.

  Sun was taking the lure out of Chuck in her vet office, and the ambulances were still twenty minutes away.

  Leo went into the kitchen and stood over the sink, figuring he would reattach the limb and then take off.

  He had no idea what to do next. The Tug wasn’t giving him any sort of direction.

  Katie walked up to the bathroom, face awash with concern, as Leo used the angle grinder on his arm stump.

  “You okay, Leo?” she asked, tentatively.

  He shrugged, then held his hand in place while it healed. “You know how it is. The daily grind.”

  “Seriously. No dad jokes. You good?”

  Leo understood what she meant. “I’m still on the hill. You?”

  Katie smiled. “I’m actually climbing the hill.”

  Her boyfriend walked in, going to Katie.

  “Leo, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend and new roommate. This is Duncan.”

  “The famous Duncan. This lady went through hell to save you. I hope you’re worth it.”

  “I plan on proving that to her,” Duncan grinned. “Every day.”

  “First step, buy a new bed.”

  “I’ll do that. Thanks, Leo.”

  Duncan reached out his hand, and when their palms touched the Tug went absolutely apeshit.

 

  Leo felt himself flooded with light, his whole body vibrating with internal energy.

  He clutched Duncan’s hand, feeling like he was stuck to a high tension wire and being jolted with a billion volts, and then he fell onto his back, breaking the handshake.

  And the Tug was gone.

  And so were his scars.

  And Leo realized what happened.

  And Leo realized that maybe, just maybe, he had a future after all.

  DUNCAN

  TWO WEEKS LATER…

  He frowned at his cell phone.

  Too expensive. Too small. Too old. Too far away.

  I set Facebook Marketplace to show me boats within forty miles, not two hundred miles.

  Duncan checked the time.

  Katie will be home in an hour. I promised I’d finish unpacking and get some dinner ready.

  He got off the bed, a spring in his step, and walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for something to defrost.

  He felt great. Never better.

  He was fully healed from his injuries, and didn’t even have any scars.

  Chuck still had stiches. Stu was still on antibiotics.

  I guess being happy makes a person heal quicker.

 

  “What?” Duncan whirled around, searching his empty apartment. “Is someone here?”