“Under no circumstances can she be allowed to see me like this.”

  I sat up a little straighter, trying to school my expression into something solemn. It didn’t work. I ended up curled around the stitch in my side.

  Why? Because Lorcan was a goose.

  More than that, he was a pissed-off goose who had to waddle around my living room floor to avoid eager tongue baths from his well-meaning guardian spirit.

  “Stop laughing!” he quacked. “I have a very serious problem here!”

  “Well, on that much, we can agree,” I said, trying once more for seriousness. It failed. I was still grinning—but, shit, how could I not?

  Lorcan. Was. A. Goose.

  “I’m just curious as to how the hell you managed to get out of your coffin like… that? It’s not like you have a lot of upper body strength at the moment. Or, wait, let me guess… you flew out?” And that did it, I started chuckling all over again.

  Lorcan made an indignant sound, which came out as another quack.

  “I forewent my coffin and decided to sleep on the chaise with Yule, my loyal hound, beside me.”

  “He’s a beagle, but point taken.” Then something else occurred to me. “So, wait, are you a vampire duck?”

  “Goose,” he corrected. “And I am uncertain as to the vampire part, though I should imagine so.”

  “Do you have fangs? Let’s have a look.” I leaned over and inspected the inside of his mouth when he dutifully opened it and that strange tongue extended straight out. “No fangs that I can see.”

  “That is fortuitous. It is hard enough to be a man stuck inside a goose.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I stuck to the more important questions. “How did you get out of your house?” I asked as I stood up again, and Lorcan began waddling around me in a circle. I imagined it was difficult for him to walk so he didn’t go much further. That was probably also the reason he’d had to ride Yule all the way here.

  Damn, I wished I had a video of that.

  “I was able to exit through Yule’s door.”

  I had to stave off a fresh round of chuckles at the thought of Lorcan waddling out a doggy door and being ferried to my house by the eager beagle. Even if the situation was the greatest I’d had recently, he was right about one thing: he did have a serious problem. At the current moment, he didn’t appear to be suffering any ill effects of his vampiric condition, but there was no telling if that would change. We could have a Bunnicula situation on our hands. Or would that be Goosicula?

  “Like it or not, we need to consult Wanda. She knows a hell of a lot more about magic than you or I combined.”

  “No,” he quacked.

  I shook my head. “Lorcan, she might be able to figure out who or what turned you into a...” I paused, biting my lip because I figured all my laughter wasn’t making the situation any better. “Well, we’ll need to start with her, so we don’t end up on... a wild goose chase.”

  I couldn’t help it.

  Lorcan advanced on me, tiny wings flaring, honking all the while. I heard the accompanying curse words, but couldn’t bring myself to care. I was grinning from ear to ear.

  “You need to take this seriously, you shag carpet with legs!”

  Yes, I was going to do everything I could to help Lorcan. And, yes, I would take the situation seriously, but first I wanted to enjoy it for the gift it was. “I wouldn’t take that tone when I could easily… cook your goose.”

  “Are you quite finished?”

  “Um, let’s see… what other goose idioms are there?”

  Lorcan attempted to cross his wings and appeared as impatient as a goose can, or so I’d assume. “Silly as a goose, goose bumps, what’s good for the goose, kill the goose that laid the golden eggs.” Then he paused. “Satisfied?”

  I chuckled. “Satisfied.” I let the laugh fade away and then focused on how in hell I was going to help him. “Getting back to the subject, the only person who is going to be able to help you is Wanda and, possibly, Poppy.”

  “Blast,” Lorcan responded, and then, throwing his neck backwards, he began cleaning himself.

  “Can you do that elsewhere? I don’t want you getting lice all over my house.”

  If a goose could frown, that’s exactly what he did. “I can’t control it,” he answered. “I have this incessant desire to groom myself. At any rate, it should be known that the only other person, besides yourself, that I can communicate with is Yule. Wanda will not be able to understand me.”

  “Then I guess I’ll have to translate.”

  I glanced at the dog, who was eyeing Lorcan, tail wagging hopefully. As I watched him, he asked Lorcan for a scratch behind the ears, which would be near impossible for Lorcan to accomplish, so I leaned over to pet him instead and grinned when his foot thumped my floor.

  “Can we just get on with this mortifying consultation?” Lorcan continued.

  I sighed, not sure if I should call Wanda ahead of time or just show up with the petting zoo in tow. I figured she’d be at her store and decided to go there first. I didn’t feel like trying to explain over the phone. So, I stood and grabbed my keys from the hook near the door.

  “I have just one more question,” I said as I stepped out the front door and they both followed me.

  “I hesitate to inquire.”

  I smirked. “Should I stop by the grocery store for a loaf of bread? And do you prefer white or wheat?”

  He responded by craning his neck and biting me right in the arm.

  Chapter Five

  “Care to explain what you’re doing with a duck and… wait… is that Lorcan’s dog?” Wanda demanded as soon as we walked into her store. “Or are you doing your best impersonation of the pied piper?”

  “First of all, that’s a goose, not a duck,” I started. “And, second, the goose is actually Lorcan.”

  It took exactly two seconds after that pronouncement for Hellcat to start rolling around the floor of the shop, howling with laughter.

  “Stop that!” Lorcan squawked, extending both of his snow-white wings as he tried to intimidate the cat who was having none of it. “This is hardly funny!”

  “Oh, the irony!” the cat continued, laughing as earnestly as before. “If it were Christmas, I would suggest we cook you up for our supper and invite Tiny Tim!”

  The vampire-turned-goose somehow managed to convey a pout without the muscles needed to do so. I’d give Lorcan this much: he was expressive, even with a bill instead of a mouth.

  “Lorcan, is that really you?” Wanda asked as she approached the goose and, folding her arms across her chest, tried to hide her smile.

  “Of course, it’s me!” he railed.

  “Can you understand him?” I asked her. She looked at me and shook her head, so I figured I’d need to translate. “He said yes, it’s him and he also wanted to tell you he’s a second-rate dentist and he’s got a drinking problem.”

  I could only grin when Lorcan very deliberately waddled in front of me, so his tail feathers were facing me. Then he slightly bent forward and the message was clear: Kiss my downy ass, sasquatch.

  Wanda, meanwhile, breathed out and shook her head as she looked at the goose with an expression crossed between amusement and concern. “Lorcan, what the spell have you gotten yourself into this time?”

  It was then that the doorbell chimed, and we turned to watch Poppy walk into the store, a bag of assorted potions hanging loosely from one hand. She paused as soon as she saw Lorcan and Yule, and then paused even longer when her eyes settled on me.

  We hadn’t exactly been avoiding each other in the months since our breakup (difficult to do in this town, even if we wanted to) but we hadn’t sought each other out, either. In the beginning I’d been calling her too much, wanting to see her to try to fix things. But ever since stuff had started heating up with Fifi, I’d backed way off and Poppy hadn’t exactly made any motion to see me. I was more than sure that had everything to do with the fact that she and Marty were now a thing.

  I expected the sight of Poppy standing there, dressed to impress, would sting more than it did. There was a twinge of regret, maybe, but none of the anger, jealousy, or bitterness I expected. Maybe that old saying about not being able to get over your ex until you started dating someone new was right? Though that was assuming I was dating Fifi, which I still wasn’t completely sure I was. Did just having sex with someone new count?

  As if remembering herself, Poppy smiled then, full and bright, a few small lines fanning out around her eyes. A little of the longing I’d felt when we’d been together came to the fore, though not as strongly as before. That smile was what I missed the most about Poppy. She was a walking, talking ray of sunshine and it had felt good to bask in her light, if only for a little while. I’d never met anyone who was so... effervescent and happy.

  I was beginning to think Lorcan might have had a point when he’d said, early on, that Poppy was a part of our family, but she wasn’t like us. Not in the ways that counted, anyway. Most of us couldn’t share a life with her, for one reason or another. The majority of us were stronger, faster, and could live two to three times longer than she could. I was capable of uprooting a mature oak tree without breaking a sweat, for example, and Poppy was, for all intents and purposes, human. So, I’d had to treat her like fine china every time we touched, expecting to break her any second.

  Her wide blue eyes dipped from me to Yule and then to Lorcan.

  “Roy, do you have a pet goose?”

  “Pet goose, my arse!” Lorcan railed.

  “No.” I couldn’t help my wide smile. “Poppy, I’d like you to meet Lorcan, the goose.” Then I looked at Lorcan, who was glaring at me, or at least I was fairly sure he was glaring at me. “Lorcan, meet Poppy.”

  “You named the goose Lorcan?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “No. The goose actually is Lorcan.”

  Hellcat got a second round of chuckles from that.

  “Oh, no,” Poppy said, her smile falling as she shook her head. “Oh… oh, no.”

  “Right,” I answered, sighing. “So, we’re here to try to figure out how to right this wrong.”

  Poppy nodded. “Well, of course, I’ll do whatever I can to help.” And that was exactly what I expected her to say. It was the reason everyone loved Poppy—she was the most selfless, kind person I’d ever met.

  She turned to face Wanda then, who hadn’t really said much, but was still standing there with her arms crossed and a smile alighting on her lips. Wanda looked at me and breathed in deeply.

  “Then I guess we’d better get this figured out,” she said.

  The slight smile broadened into a grin, and it was dazzling. The expression transformed her face from austere to something almost as soft and appealing as Poppy’s. I could suddenly see Lorcan’s fascination with the standoffish witch. I still thought Fifi and Poppy were more attractive, but that might have had more to do with their personalities than their aesthetic appeal. Wanda had always struck me as cold and indifferent—of course, that perspective had changed the more I’d gotten to know her.

  As to Wanda, I was fairly sure she was enjoying this whole goose situation as much as I was. Maybe not as much as Hellcat was, but I could tell Wanda was doing her best to try to school her expression, but there was definitely an element of glee riding in her eyes. No doubt, she was taking a mental snapshot of the situation, filing the incident away for future reciprocity. Maybe a goose costume for Lorcan this coming Halloween?

  Wanda looked at me. “So, Roy, how did you manage to transform Lorcan Rowe into waterfowl? I’d love to know—for future reference.”

  “I had nothing to do with it. Lorcan was the reason he’s now a goose.”

  “And how did that happen?” Poppy asked, her eyes wide and full of concern.

  “Can we advance to the part where we get me out of this predicament?” Lorcan quacked, facing me with rage in his beady, little eyes.

  “Did he say something?” Wanda asked.

  I looked at her and nodded, with a sigh. “Just that he’s afraid of taking things to the next level with you, owing to his rather… unimpressive dimensions.”

  “Roy!” Poppy faux reprimanded me.

  Wanda laughed, and Lorcan glared at me. Then he began waddling across the room, squawking and flapping his wings in obvious indignation.

  Wanda watched his fit with a satisfied smirk. Truly, watching Lorcan do a rendition of The Chicken Dance was a reward all its own.

  “Well?” Wanda prompted, looking from Lorcan to me. “How did this happen?”

  “All I know is, I was making breakfast when Yule showed up with Lorcan—apparently Lorcan had had to ride Yule to my place.”

  Everyone got a good laugh out of that.

  “Then Lorcan opened his bill and started talking,” I finished. “And that brings us to this moment.”

  “His bill!” Hellcat said, and erupted into a new fit of laughter.

  “Laugh now, furball, but just wait until you become my next blood cocktail,” Lorcan hissed.

  We both ignored him. “I was hoping you’d know what was going on or what to do about it,” I said, looking from Wanda to Poppy.

  “Why would you think I’d know what was going on?” Wanda demanded.

  “I figure it has to be a spell of some kind, right?”

  Hellcat finally stopped laughing and slunk down on his haunches, eyeing the goose speculatively. His tail twitched back and forth, hindquarters bunching as if to spring.

  “I have not hunted in... well... ever, but perhaps I should give it a go,” the cat said.

  “Eat him and you’ll lose another of your lives,” Wanda warned, but didn’t appear very concerned. Actually, I wasn’t very concerned either, because Lorcan was still twice the size of Hellcat.

  “I reserve the right to murder Lorcan if the time comes,” Wanda finished.

  “While I’m certain that’s untrue,” Poppy said, turning her gaze from Wanda to me. “We need to fix this and, joking about it isn’t going to make things any better.” She turned to face Lorcan, who nodded to her.

  Wanda came closer, kneeling, so she was level with Lorcan. I had a feeling he was using the opportunity to stare down the front of her dress because he kept making the motion of craning his neck downward. I was pointedly trying not to do the same, which was difficult, given the low-cut bodice.

  “We could try a few uncrossing potions?” Poppy asked, before starting to shake her head. “But they’re usually used for bad luck and curses. I don’t know if this is a curse, really. So, I’m not sure how much good uncrossing potions would be.”

  “I’m not sure either,” Wanda answered before she looked at Poppy. “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

  Poppy shook her head. “No, never. Even your body-swap with Maverick wasn’t as complicated as this, I don’t think. That was more of a swap of consciousness, wasn’t it? You actually were in Maverick’s body, and he was in yours.”

  I stood up a little straighter, sucking in a breath, when something occurred to me. “What if that’s exactly what’s happening here?” I asked and then realized I needed to further explain because Poppy was wearing her confusion. “Could Lorcan have gotten dosed with that stuff your cousin brewed and used on you, Wanda?”

  “I don’t think so because how would Lorcan have gotten access to it?” Wanda answered, shaking her head. “But maybe the general idea is the same. Maybe Lorcan’s consciousness was swapped with that of the goose?”

  “Are you saying there’s a blasted goose wandering around in my body?” Lorcan asked, aghast as he faced me. “If so, it wouldn’t understand my hunger and would most likely go on a rampage.”

  “Attack of the vampire man-goose,” I responded on a laugh as Poppy and Wanda frowned at me because they couldn’t understand what Lorcan had just said. “Not to be confused with the vampire mongoose.”

  “This is quite serious, need I remind you?” Lorcan insisted.

  I relayed the message to Wanda and Poppy, who sobered almost instantly.

  “That’s bad,” Poppy fretted. “If Roy is right, and this is simply a case of body-swapping, you can’t go looking for Lorcan’s body, Wanda, because I’m not sure whether your repulsion charm will work on a goose in Lorcan’s body and the goose would have the same… obsessive need to be near you only it wouldn’t have Lorcan’s ability to fight that need.”

  “Hmm, you think?” Wanda asked, biting her lower lip in thought.

  Poppy nodded. “The repulsion charm is tied to Lorcan. And Lorcan is a goose right now.”

  Wanda crossed her arms over her chest and scowled at us. “I can handle myself against Lorcan. I’ve done it before.”

  “When he was in his own body,” I pointed out. Then I glanced back at the goose. “I think Lorcan has a point. If the spell has put a goose in Lorcan’s body, the goose won’t have the same level of restraint Lorcan does. So, if it’s hungry, it will eat.”

  Wanda breathed in long and hard as I continued. “That means you aren’t safe, Wanda.”

  Poppy nodded as she faced her friend. “I think you should take Astrid out of school and go home until we figure this out.”

  I nodded. “I will call as soon as I locate Lorcan’s body.”

  Wanda’s hard stare didn’t waver, even as she began backing out of the room. “Fine, I’ll go.” get Astrid and head home, but you need to call me the second you find out.”

  Chapter Six

  “If I’m not here, where could I have gone?” Lorcan wondered, and I tried to hide the snicker from my lips because not only was Lorcan a goose, but now he was a pink one.

  After Wanda left, Poppy invited us to her store, because she wanted to try a few potions on Lorcan to see if she could somehow reverse whatever had been done to him. Strangely and inexplicably, all she’d managed to do was change his downy white feathers to downy pink feathers, which had enraged him to no end.

  Figuring time might have been of the essence, I decided to leave Poppy’s and, instead, start searching for Lorcan’s body. At least to get his mind off the fact that he now looked like he belonged in an Easter basket.