“We all will, sweetheart. We have to get through this. Christian wouldn’t have wanted us to cry over him. He would have wanted us to stick together, to keep each other strong.”

  She nodded more to herself than at what Riley said. She knew he spoke the truth, but she didn’t know if she would be able to let her grief pass. “I didn’t even get to see him before he passed away.” She choked up on the last few words. She clenched her fists, so angry with herself that she wasn’t stronger.

  “Please don’t say that. We didn’t see him either.”

  She stared into Tallinn’s face, finally seeing a sliver of sadness cross his handsome features.

  “He had been working in Silver Spring for the last week on some big construction contract. He was actually on his way home, ten miles from his place, when he ran over some black ice and went into a ravine.”

  Lilly placed her hand over her mouth and gasped. She squeezed her eyes shut as more tears came. She had known it was a car accident, but Riley had been so vague over the phone that she hadn’t known what exactly had happened. She could picture the whole horrific accident in her mind. She tried to push the thoughts away, but they were like a broken record, playing over and over again. Tallinn brought her close, and she rested her head against his chest. Even though the pain was indescribable, she knew Tallinn didn’t want to keep anything from her. Where Riley tried to shield her, Tallinn tried to open her eyes.

  “Did he suffer?” She pulled away and turned to look into Riley’s eyes, knowing he would have been one of the first people to be at the scene. He shook his head, and she breathed out, feeling slightly better at the knowledge that Christian hadn’t suffered. Riley reached a hand out and, brushing away one of her tears, smiled gently down at her.

  “I don’t think I will ever be okay.”

  Tallinn embraced her again and kissed the top of her head. “I don’t think any of us will, honey.”

  Chapter Three

  They stood under the awning that covered Christian’s gravesite, the frigid air blowing past them as if it, too, were angry and mourning. Standing between Tallinn and Riley, Lilly, her legs freezing, was regretting wearing the black jersey dress. Not the brightest attire choice, but in her haste to pack, she had grabbed the first black thing she saw.

  She stared at his coffin and wrapped her wool coat more tightly around herself. She didn’t miss how Riley and Tallinn moved closer to her. She was grateful for their big bodies blocking the cold. Even their heat couldn’t get rid of the piercing numbness that spread throughout her body at the thought of Christian lying in that algid box all alone.

  In his will, he had stated he didn’t want calling hours arranged for him. He had made it clear that he didn’t want his death to be a time of sadness and mourning, but a time that everyone should celebrate life. She hadn’t known any of that until she spoke with Tallinn and Riley, and just hearing that had made her cry harder. That was so like Christian, always thinking of others before himself.

  She would have cried as the priest softly spoke, reading from his black leather-bound Bible, but last night she cried until she had fallen asleep on Riley’s couch. Both of her two boys sleeping right beside her. She hadn’t even been able to eat the dinner Riley had worked so hard to prepare. Instead, she had just lain down and not woken until early in the morning.

  Her eyes were still swollen and red, and her muscles were so sore from the way she shook from crying. She was thankful she had Riley and Tallinn. They were her rocks.

  Her parents had tried to come out, but because of the snow storm moving in, flights to Colorado had been postponed. The storm was expected to be tremendous. She reached out, grabbed Riley’s hand, and leaned her head against Tallinn’s arm while she stared at the glossy coffin. Placed on top of the casket was a bundle of red roses, their color startling compared to the single white lily she had placed next to them. Seeing that single white flower brought back so many memories that they threatened to choke her.

  A lily had been the first flower Christian had ever given her. They had been going to their freshman homecoming dance, her three boys being her date. They had each given her a flower. Tallinn had given her a pink rose, Riley a yellow tulip, and Christian a white lily because he thought it was funny that she had been named after a flower. She still had those three flowers, now dried and wilted, hanging upside down on her bedroom wall.

  She smiled, remembering his handsome face as he had gallantly bowed in front of her and offered her the flower. His dark auburn hair disheveled in a way that let everyone know that he didn’t care what he looked like. Even though she loved those wonderful memories, they hurt her tremendously.

  As the priest finished the sermon and said his final words, she stared up at Tallinn. His eyes were set hard, and his jaw was clenched. Even though she knew how upset and devastated he was over this tragedy, the hard-trained Marine in him refused to show any weakness. She looked over at Riley, his expression actually showing his hurt even though no tears fell. The doctor in him, that caring and compassionate person that he was, couldn’t help but feel the loss of someone so important.

  She squeezed Riley’s hand tighter and slipped her arm through Tallinn’s. As she watched the coffin slowly sink into the earth, she knew that from this day forward, she would forever be changed.

  * * * *

  Lily sat on the couch in Riley’s living room, friends and family mingling as they spoke softly. Classic rock played throughout the room, Christian’s favorite. After the funeral, everyone gathered at Riley’s place since it had the extra room. Everyone was reminiscing about Christian even though sadness filled them. She sat in one of the chairs and stared out the big picture window from across the room. The sky was a dark shade of gray as the snow steadily fell to the ground in thick flakes.

  Christian’s younger sister stood by the window, her auburn hair so much like her brother's. Ava was only twenty, ten years younger than her brother, but they had been close. Lilly got up with her red plastic cup, filled with fruit punch someone had poured for her that she now found flavorless, in hand. She stopped in front of the window, just staring out as the snow continued its thick descent to the ground. After a moment of silence, Lilly reached out and grabbed Ava’s hand. The young girl’s fingers were cold when she gripped them tightly. They didn’t speak, and when she felt the small squeeze Ava gave her hand, she knew that even though Ava had to be devastated, she would somehow pull through. She did after all have her brother’s unyielding strength.

  “What am I going to do?”

  Lilly glanced over at Ava, the freckles covering her cheeks a startling contrast to her porcelain-colored skin. Ava looked over at her, her features so much like Christian’s that it made Lilly’s breath halt. Ava's blue eyes were bright and moist, but Lilly could tell the girl hadn’t shed any tears.

  “We were supposed to go to Steamboat in the summer. He told me they had the most beautiful hiking trails.”

  “Oh, honey.” Lilly embraced Ava, the girl finally crying as her little body shook from the force of her emotions. “I’m so sorry. You have to stay strong though.” Grief over took her, and with fat tears falling down her cheeks, Lilly pulled Ava away.

  “I can’t. It hurts too bad.”

  Lilly’s heart was breaking, and she couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. “I know, but you know how your brother would have scoffed over us crying. You know how stubborn he was, demanding that we smile because it uses less muscles.”

  The corner of Ava’s lips lifted slightly, and Lilly brushed a tear away from her cheek. Even though she told Ava to be strong, Lilly really was a hypocrite because she was weak, so very weak that it took so much effort to even breathe. She didn’t know what to do either, but she felt something inside of her grow stronger at seeing Christian’s baby sister crying, her blue eyes an exact replica of his. She couldn’t show weakness in front of her. No, she needed to be strong so that Ava could draw strength, so that she could know life wasn’t over.

  “It’s going to be painful, but that’s how you know you’re alive.” Lilly brushed a strand of stray hair from Ava’s forehead, quoting one of Christian’s many sayings and knowing the young girl had recognized it.

  “The first time he told me that, Collin Spencer had just broken up with me. I had been acting like a madwoman, crying and snapping at everyone. He had sat me down and told me that exact statement. I had been so pissed at him, telling him to shove it up his ass.” Ava started to laugh, but soon that became a hard sob. “I wish I never told him that.”

  Lilly remembered when, years ago, Collin Spencer, Ava’s first real boyfriend whom she had loved, had broken up with her. Christian had told her how crazed his sister was acting, crying nonstop, yelling at everyone. Lilly had told him she was an emotional teenager and had just had her heart broke. He had wanted to strangle Collin. Being the devoted big brother he was, he felt the need to protect his baby sister. That was Christian, always so caring, dedicated, loyal, and loving.

  “Christian had laughed about that actually.” Ava looked into her face, her cheeks streaked with her drying tears as she sniffed.

  “Really?”

  “Of course. You know how Christian was. He laughed about stuff like that.” Lilly could tell by the way Ava’s shoulders slightly relaxed that since her brother’s death, she had done nothing but think about every fight and detrimental thing that had ever been said. Marie, Christian’s mother, stepped next to her daughter, the woman carrying the same physical traits as her children. Marie’s eyes were red rimmed and swollen, and even though Marie smiled and feigned strength, Lilly couldn’t even imagine how hard it was for her.

  Lilly had spoken with Marie earlier, both of them talking about Christian as a child and about how rambunctious he had been. They had shared memories and tears for the man Christian had been. That had been a hard conversation for Lilly, but she was glad she had been able to talk about them.

  Marie pulled her daughter into an embrace. Marie led her daughter over to Michael, Christian’s father.

  Lilly looked at the three of them, their family torn apart and each trying to keep the pieces together. It was heart wrenching to witness and something Lilly couldn’t handle. She turned away and leaned against the window frame, taking a drink of her flavorless punch as she continued to stare at the snow fall.

  “You can’t truly know life until you’ve accepted death.”

  Lilly didn’t need to turn and see who spoke in that deep tone. Riley was right next to her, his words spearing into her heart and clenching it in pain.

  “You and your elucidations. You were like Christian in that sense.”

  She felt his hand rub up and down her back.

  “It’s true though.”

  “I know.” And she did know that, even if it was a hard thing to come to terms with. “Everything happens for a reason. Isn’t that what Christian always said?” She turned and stared into his eyes, seeing the dark circles that lay under them and the haunted expression he held. She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. “I love you, Riley. I want you to know that since you never know what life has in store.”

  “Don’t say stuff like that.”

  She couldn’t help the smile that tilted her lips. “What? Don’t say that I love you?” She knew what he had been referring to, but she could see that a little teasing would be therapeutic. He shook his head and breathed out. She dropped her hand and looked back out the window.

  “Don’t start talking about death.”

  “Why not? Isn’t it all around us?” The words that came out of her mouth were barren of any kind of emotion. Death surrounded her, and that seemed to be all she could think about.

  “What happened to Christian was a fucking tragedy, but you will not let death encompass you.”

  She turned with a small amount of surprise as she stared at him. Riley never swore, a true testament to the pain he was really feeling. “How can I not think about death? Anyone of us could die at the drop of a hat. I didn’t even get to tell Christian how much he meant to me. I won’t make that mistake again, not with you, Tallinn, or anyone else for that matter.” She heard the determination in her own voice and wondered where it had come from.

  He breathed out as he ran his hand over the back of his neck. “It just breaks my heart seeing you in so much pain.”

  His eyes locked with hers for a suspended moment before he leaned in and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, too, so much Lilly.” He walked away, his head down, his movements unhurried.

  As he walked into the kitchen, her eyes moved over the room. She took in all the black, all the sadness and grief despite the appearance of happiness. She saw Tallinn sitting on the stairs, his red cup in his hand while he watched her intently. She smiled softly at him, realizing that Tallinn hadn’t spoken more than two words since last night. The funeral had been hard on all of them, but staring into Tallinn’s dark eyes, she knew he was taking it hard even though he tried to appear strong.

  She pushed away from the window frame and walked toward him, stopping briefly to gaze at the posters that were set up on easels around the room. The posters had various pictures of Christian’s life glued to them , ranging from infancy to adulthood. She stopped scanning the room and examined a picture that she knew was recent, knew this because it was similar to the one Christian had sent to her not more than two weeks ago.

  He stood by an unfinished cabin, the snow-covered ground bright white against the dark blue of his pants. His smile was big as he posed, his arm outstretched behind him, showing the camera the incredible work he was accomplishing. His auburn hair seemed more red in the picture, as if the sun had chosen that moment to peek through the clouds and shine down on him.

  A tear slipped from her eye and made its way down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away and turned around. She walked over to where Tallinn was sitting. His eyes were still on her, his jaw set tight as he stared at her.

  She took a seat next to him, both of them staying quiet, their attention on the people around them. She felt the lightest of touches and dropped her gaze when Tallinn’s hand covered hers. His touch was light as his thumb ran over her flesh. She swallowed, fighting back her emotions. She turned her gaze up to his face. He was already looking at her.

  “You always were the strong and silent type.” She moved closer to him, held his hand tighter, and rested her head on his shoulder. He chuckled softly, the sound deep yet emotionless.

  “When do you have to go back to Denver?”

  “I don’t know if I’m going to go back.”

  She felt him tense, and she lifted her head to stare at him. “What?”

  He looked down at her. A flicker of emotions reflected in his eyes but was gone as soon as it had appeared. He smiled, and she saw a happiness that she hadn’t seen since she had come back to Burkett.

  “I’ve missed you so much, and with everything that has happened, you being here would be incredible.”

  He pulled her into a hug. She rested her head against his chest, and the steady rhythm of his heart went through her. “I love you, Tallinn. You know that right?” She felt his hand cup the back of her head and heard him exhale.

  “Not as much as I love you, Lilly.”

  She felt tears well up and closed her eyes, letting herself be surrounded by the ones she loved.

  Chapter Four

  Lilly brought in another trash bag filled with plates, napkins, and cups. Stepping into the kitchen, she couldn’t help but smile at the scene before her. Tallinn had taken off his suit coat, and his black button-down shirt was now unbuttoned at the neck, and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He had a dishrag in hand and was busy wiping down the counters, his movements efficient, yet quick. Riley was unloading the dishwasher, the first few buttons of his shirt unbuttoned as well, and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up his thick forearms. His tie hung loosely around his neck as if he had gotten frustrated and yanked on it. Her boys were quite domestic when they wanted to be.

  “Look at you two. Who domesticated you guys?” She laughed as she set the trash bag by the backdoor, amid the numerous ones already piled up.

  Tallinn looked up at her, his lips tilting at the corners, and shook his head. Riley glanced at her, winked, and went back to unloading the dishes. She just stood there for a moment, watching them as they did such mundane things. She would never take anything for granted again, even if it was hanging out with the two men she loved the most as they cleaned the kitchen.

  She walked into the living room to make sure she hadn’t missed any trash. She straightened a few things, then went over by the fireplace, and stood in front of it. She wrapped her arms around her waist and watched the flames. Her gaze traveled to the mantel where a silver-framed picture of the four of them sat. She picked it up and stared at it, the flames reflecting off the glass and making the picture seem to move with life.

  The picture had been taken right before she had moved to Denver. The four of them had decided to take one last big trip. They ended up going to California, driving instead of flying and making it one long road trip. She had hated that part of the trip, even in Tallinn’s massive and roomy truck, it had been three days of cramps and aches. Once they had finally reached the beach, it had been well worth it.

  She ran her finger over the glass. The four of them had posed for the picture, the men in the back in their trunks and her standing in front of them in her polka-dot bikini. She put the picture back, refusing to cry anymore today. She just didn’t have the energy or the strength. She felt big hands land on her shoulders and gently massage them. She closed her eyes and leaned back, enjoying the sensation of her muscles starting to relax.

  “Here, sweetie.”

  She opened her eyes and saw Riley holding out a full glass of red wine. She took it, grateful for the small distraction. She let him lead her over to the couch and sat beside him. She curled her feet beneath her legs and took a sip of her wine. She knew that if her senses weren’t so numb, the wine would have tasted exquisite. She stared at the fire for a moment but then got the distinct feeling of being watched. She turned her attention to Riley, surprised that he was staring right at her, an expression she couldn’t read covering his face.