So what if I have to explain to Mom why I’m getting a ride back to campus after ten at night on a school night. Anything is better than what I just ran from.

  JESSE’S DIARY

  SO I’VE BECOME A STALKER

  Ever since the party, I’ve been following Sid around when he’s not at work. For a while, I thought we were getting closer. He would ask me for a ride when he didn’t want to use rideshare, but lately he has been utilizing public transit instead. I mean, yeah, it’s hella cheaper but it also takes fucking forever to get anywhere and you still end up walking for blocks after you get off. And it’s not like he goes anywhere exciting. For the most part, he doesn’t ever go anywhere except the grocery store and occasionally an actual bookstore. I haven’t seen him go back to Sally’s but I have seen a few bubble mailers from Amazon in our trash without seeing anything in the dorm that could have come in them.

  I let my guard down, tho. Somewhere along the line, my sweet naïve Sid came into contact with some of the most disgusting men I have ever seen – physically at least. He actually fucking dressed up for that old man despite the fact he was struggling not to cry in our room before he left. My damn heart shattered when I saw Sid go into that motel room. I kept hoping that it wasn’t what I thought. And then when that nasty trucker guy showed up and went into the same room… My heart sank. It didn’t take long for the sounds of their “activities” to echo into the parking lot, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

  Thankfully, Taylor’s escapades at all of the fraternity and sorority parties earlier in the year managed to get me a bit of a free pass for all of the parties, so now I am in the parking lot of some underground party on the other side of Wrenshaw, writing in my fucking diary like a child.

  Mother always wrote about how important it is to not let feelings fester, but what the fuck am I supposed to do when the feelings are too intense? Can you love someone without them knowing? Is it possible to be so obsessed and not send them running screaming in the other direction?

  I’m scared… So Fucking Scared.

  I am terrified that when he discovers how I feel about him that he is going to run. I am going to lose him before I can really even have him. But he keeps shutting me out. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I can’t lose him.

  Mom always told me I would know it when I meet “the one” and she was right, but she didn’t prepare me for what it would mean to watch them going after other people. God, it fucking hurts so much.

  I am going to go into this party and lose myself to the night. just one night. Maybe it will give me the clarity on how to tell Sid that I am a better choice than those two old men…

  CHAPTER 18

  PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING

  There is nothing like a hot shower after a traumatizing experience. After escaping the motel, the skies decided to open up while I was waiting for my ride – which also canceled on me after I had already been waiting for almost twenty minutes. Then, I had to dive behind a dumpster to hide from Drew and Anthony when they drove past. That last maneuver resulted in my phone landing in some sort of mystery sludge, so it is now sitting in a bag of rice in the other room.

  After all of that, I ended up dragging my sorry ass about two miles down the road to a random bar that was nice enough to let me sit for a moment. As if my humiliation wasn’t bad enough at that point, Eric happened to come in and noticed me looking like a drowned cat.

  “Hurry up, little boy! Unlike you children at the college, some of us have to pay a water bill.”

  I quickly turn off the water like I’m waiting on Mom to barge in and do it for me. Eric knocks twice on the door before retreating back down the hallway to the front of his home. I didn’t expect him to drag me out of the bar and take me to his place. Honestly, in all of the horror of my epic failure of a night, it didn’t even register to me that I was heading towards Kink Manor. Now that I know the bar I wandered into was McKinley’s Tavern, it was only a matter of time before someone I know found me there.

  Wrapping a towel around my waist, I wipe the steam off the mirror and hate what I see there. I lost the weight and ditched the glasses, but I’m still that pathetic loser that nobody wants.

  Fuck that isn’t even true. The only people who apparently want me are the people I don’t want to want me. Is the problem me? It has to be…

  Since my clothes were a disgusting mess, Eric put a pair of Professor Barnes’s sweatpants on the tank of the toilet for me to wear while my outfit makes a quick trip in the wash.

  “Get your ass out of that bathroom before I have to come in and drag you out, Sidney!”

  I jump at Eric’s voice yanking me out of my darker thoughts and stumble down the hallway to the living room of the mobile home he shares with Professor Barnes to see the diva himself draped across the sofa like Liz Taylor lounging in Cleopatra – Nana loved that movie.

  “Grab yourself a drink,” he demands with a wave toward the kitchen. “But don’t you dare touch my unicorn mugs.”

  Considering I have gotten used to the good stuff at work, I don’t even try to make coffee or tea. In the fridge is an assortment of sodas, so I grab one at random. There is still about an hour until my clothes are done, and God only knows how long it will take for my phone to be functional again. I might as well settle in since I am basically reliant on Eric’s good graces at this point.

  I settle into one of the chairs with my drink to wait for my clothes to be finished, but apparently the diva has other plans. He mutes the television and sits up, looking more serious than I have seen him in months.

  “I can recognize a spiral a million miles away – I mean I should considering how often I used to have them. Fuck, you even met me in the middle of one. So, spill. What’s going on with you, kid?”

  The memories of meeting him in that bar last year surface and suddenly everything that has gone on this year spills out of me. I tell him about my goal and all of the rejections. I explain what happened over the break and how lost I have felt since then.

  “You really wouldn’t have worked out with Stanny anyways,” he interrupts. “You don’t have what he needs. And I’m pretty sure that he would have disappointed you in many other ways.”

  What the fuck? I didn’t even mention Stan by name. But yeah, he is right. He stopped by the shop last week and he shared – or rather overshared – about his new relationship. I can honestly say that I am glad the blow job attempt did not lead to more because I don’t think I could deal with his brand of clingy.

  “As far as your goal, why the fuck are you putting yourself through that? You aren’t the sex without emotions type, Sid. Trust me, I have been with enough guys in my ho phase that I can spot ‘em from a mile away. You ain’t one of them.”

  Leaning forward, I brace my forearms on my thighs and stare at the floor. He’s not wrong. I can feel the pressure building behind my eyes, but I don’t bother to wipe it away. The thought of hiding one more thing at this point is just too much.

  “I’m just so tired of being unwanted, Eric. I am the forgotten one – overlooked until they need something from me. I was fucking tormented for six years… SIX years and no one cared. And now, the only people who have shown interest in me are only interested in what I look like now. A pretty package.”

  Pushing to my feet, I start to pace the room, ignoring the fact that I am half naked in my Economics professor’s living room. Why should I care at this point? Nobody gives a shit about me. All I am good for is getting used and abused by everyone around me. Why did I even bother thinking that living somewhere new would change things? I am still the same waste of space I was back in South Dakota.

  “You are so much more than your looks, Sidney,” Eric’s soft voice breaks through the turmoil in my brain. “You know what I see when I look at you? I see the brave kid who drove off three homophobic thugs trying to beat my ass to death in an alley. I see the guy who dragged my drunk ass to a hotel room and cleaned me up. The guy who stayed with me and listened to my ramblings. The guy who cared more about making sure a total stranger was alright and knew he had value rather than avoid getting in trouble with his dad for disappearing the night before his college interview.”

  When I turn to face him, he is standing right there with tears in his own eyes. Time seems to stand still as he places his palms on my cheeks to guide my gaze down to meet his.

  “You are an amazing man, Sidney Xavier. Please don’t sell yourself short. Don’t let those assholes in your past dictate how you see yourself. You are courageous and kind. And you need to stop looking for mister right now and see the mister right that is already in your life.”

  Before I can ask who Eric is talking about, Professor Barnes comes in the front door and I am momentarily forgotten. My friend launches himself at his lover and I become an unwilling voyeur for a few minutes while they get through their very enthusiastic greeting. When they pull apart, I watch it register to Professor Barnes that there is a half-naked man in the middle of their living room.

  “Sparkles? Care to explain why you have a barely legal student of mine wearing only my Harvard sweatpants in our living room after midnight?”

  After impersonating a ripe tomato while explaining things, I end up with a pillow and blankets to sleep on my professor’s sofa for the night. My phone might actually be done for from the mystery sludge, so I am at the mercy of the overbearing drag queen who saved me from myself tonight. The last thought on my mind while I drift off to sleep is: Who is my Mister Right?

  JESSE’S DIARY

  NOT KNOWING IS KILLING ME

  Fuck Sidney Xavier! He isn’t here. He didn’t come home last night. He isn’t answering his phone or texts. Max and Marc have been blowing up my phone all night while I was trying to forget everything. Where’s our brother? Why isn’t he answering? Did something happen?

  How the fuck am I supposed to tell them that he went to a fucking flea ridden no-tell motel to get railed by two old dudes. That can’t be what he’s into, right? Maybe he is a prostitute? I mean, that is the only thing that makes sense. There is no way that Sid can be attracted to guys like that. Why would he stoop to that otherwise? I mean, I’m right here: ready and willing. I am a million times better looking than those guys.

  Fuck… now I sound like I’m all superficial and shit. But looks matter, right? I mean, of course personality and who they are deep down matters the most but you can’t ignore physical attraction.

  I think I’m still drunk. I shouldn’t have been driving. I shouldn’t be writing anything right now.

  Why doesn’t he want me back? Why am I such a fucking coward? I know I should tell him how I feel. I know it makes no sense to be jealous of someone I can’t even fucking get up the nerve to confess to. Why is it so scary? Mother’s journals don’t have anything about how to overcome how terrifying it is to tell someone you love them. She wrote about how Dad and her just fell into love naturally. He went from friend to fiancé over the course of a few pages. She rarely wrote anything about fear even when she knew that death was coming for her.

  I miss her. I miss Mom. I miss Dad. I miss feeling like the world makes sense. I miss knowing where I stand. I need to know. I need to talk to him. I need him to love me back.

  Please. I love Sidney Xavier and can’t lose him. Please – any gods in existence out there that may be watching. Please let him love me back.

  CHAPTER 19

  FINDING MR. RIGHT

  My parents are going to kill me. Morning came way too early and Professor Barnes – if he thinks I’m going to be calling one of my professors by his first name, he’s insane – gave me a ride back to campus. On the drive over, I managed to get my phone powered on and saw the gajillions of texts and voicemail alerts from my family and a few friends.

  Mom: y r u ordering a ride this late on a school night?

  Dad: ignore your mother. Have fun kiddo. Thirsty Thursdays, right?

  Max: what did u do 2 git mom riled up?

  Marc: u on a date?

  Max: any clue why J isn’t answering?

  Marc: u good man? It’s been hours

  Marc: J says u went out but its 2am.

  Marc: where ru?

  Max: u never not answer and not even read

  Max: come on bro. J won’t tell us anything

  I shoot off a quick text to each of my brothers to get them to stop worrying about me. They should know me well enough by now to not jump to worst case scenarios. I’m a klutz. This isn’t the first time I’ve wrecked a phone and I am absolutely certain it won’t be the last either.

  Me: went out with friends last night

  Okay, so that one is stretching the truth a bit. I mean, at least I ended up with a friend whose fiancé is driving me back to the dorm at the moment.

  Me: phone took a swim thanks to the rain last night. Puddles call to my phone, remember?

  I go back to the main screen and scroll through the rest of the messages. Lucky, Toby, Sheila, and a few others reached out for various reasons. Apparently there was a huge party last night that got busted by the cops and they were checking in. I quickly shoot off responses to them all before the car pulls up in front of my dorm.

  “You are a great guy, Sid,” Professor Barnes tells me when I open the door. “Don’t waste time on people who don’t matter – even if it feels like you are alone if you don’t. It’s better to have a small circle of people who genuinely want the best for you than a wide net of selfish assholes looking to drown you to keep themselves afloat.”

  “Sounds like you need more coffee,” I mutter with a smile before waving him off and head inside the building.

  Six-thirty on the Friday morning before Valentine’s Day has left the halls of the dorm more deserted than usual, so I don’t have to worry what people will think about the fact that I am wearing the same outfit that I left in last night. Nothing happened despite the fact that my intention was for something to actually happen, but it still feels like a walk of shame. I’m only ashamed of the fact that I went in the first place.

  I am so focused on not making noise so that I don’t wake Jesse that I almost don’t notice that he is laying in my bed before tossing my bag onto it. My confusion is only compounded by the strong odor of vodka, marijuana, and cigarette smoke wafting off him when I lean over to place my quilt over him. Jesse doesn’t go overboard and sure as fuck avoids smokers. I never got the full story, but I know it has something to do with his mother.

  There is no point in my gigantor ass trying to climb up onto the top bunk to lay down for an hour, and I’m too late to get the machines I would need to work out at the gym. The knee injury has really limited my exercise options these last six weeks and it took some major adapting to build a regiment that still works for me.

  After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I am about to head out to coffee shop to check in with Don so that he can head off hurricane Toby when something thumps to the floor. Glancing back at Jesse, I notice a leatherbound notebook open facedown next to his shoes. He must have had it in bed with him when he passed out last night. This notebook must mean something special for him because I rarely see him without it. Sometimes, I will even see him pull it out to scribble a line or two down randomly throughout the day.

  I swear I don’t mean to look when I pick it up, but my name on the page pops out at me.

  I fucking love Sidney Xavier

  What in the…

  I know I shouldn’t. These are his private thoughts.

  Fuck it. Curiosity takes over and I flip back to the beginning of the notebook and start to read. I’m embarrassed. I’m entranced. I’m… confused.

  It takes a minute for me to reconcile the fact that Jesse thought I was straight for the first month and a half that we lived in the same room. Then, it finally clicks that the guy I have been moaning about being completely out of my reach has been in love with me for a while now. I have been going all out to find some random man out there while Jesse has been watching me crash and burn in silence.

  The man in question mumbles something in his sleep and rolls over, dislodging the quilt. Setting down the journal, I put the covering back over him before scribbling my own message below his last entry before running out of the room.

  Sidney Xavier thinks he might love you, too.

  JESSE’S DIARY

  THANK THE ALCOHOL

  So, it’s been a while since I have written anything down here due to the fucking embarrassment I felt when I realized that Sid read everything I had written down here. Waking up with a hangover from hell, I only noticed after lunch that something was off. Normally, I grab my journal from the desk when I head out, but it wasn’t in the place I typically leave it. I damn near had a heart attack when I saw what he wrote down.

  Then, we went through this whole awkward preteen thing where we kept blushing and staring but not saying a damn thing for hours. It wasn’t until Taylor came in to invite us to an anti-Valentine’s thing right before midnight that we broke the silence. Sid actually told her that we don’t qualify. Holy shit, I think my heart lept out of my chest and was doing cartwheels around the room. Tay was doing a happy dance and singing back down the hallway, calling out that someone owed her two hundred bucks.