Carter scowled. “It’s not my fault I’m not up on all the new apps. Excuse me for having a life.”

  “A life of lameness, maybe.”

  That got another round of laughs from the others. Greg played along, but felt like he was watching through a window while the others had a good time. Mattie looked so happy and relaxed in a way he hadn’t seen her before, and it made him realize he really didn’t belong there at all. They were friends, and he was just some hired hand.

  “Uh, really, I think I should get back to my room,” he said, setting his untouched water aside then standing. “I’ve got a lot of research to do tonight.”

  “Damn,” Carter said. “There goes my shot at winning.”

  “It was nice to meet you,” Alexandra said.

  “Likewise.” Greg headed for the foyer like his butt was on fire.

  “Wait,” Mattie said, following him. “Please stay.”

  “I can’t, really. Sorry again for interrupting your night,” he said as he pulled on his jacket again. Not that he needed it. It felt like the temperature in there had risen by fifty degrees all the sudden. Air. He needed air. And space, to sort through the mess inside him and find his way out again. Man, he’d been in combat zones that felt less fraught with danger than that living room had. If he’d embarrassed himself, or worse, embarrassed Mattie in front of her friends, he’d never forgive himself.

  “Are you sure everything’s all right?” she asked, holding the door for him.

  “Fine, yeah.” He hesitated on the porch, hating to leave her again even though her company inside would keep her safe. “I, uh, investigated some leads today that Hope gave me based on those diary pages.”

  “Find anything?”

  “No. Nothing but dead ends.” He took a deep breath. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your friends.”

  “Come back when they leave?” she asked as he walked away.

  Greg turned to face her once more, silhouetted by the glowing porch light, and his heart stumbled despite his wishes. “Sure. Say around ten thirty?”

  “Sounds good.”

  He went back to his room to futz around on his computer for a few hours, checking his emails and surfing the net until the clock finally ticked past ten forty-five. A peek out the window at the carriage house showed the only car in the drive now was Mattie’s, so it seemed safe to return.

  Mattie let him in, then led him upstairs to her bedroom. He wasn’t sure how this was going to go after their fight earlier, but he was willing to follow her lead.

  “You didn’t have to leave earlier,” Mattie said, closing the door behind him, then walking over to her closet where she tugged off her top and proceeded to hang it up. “You would’ve had fun playing with us.”

  “It’s not my thing,” he said, turning away to toe off his shoes. So, apparently, they were going to do this, like nothing had happened. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that, but given that he’d started to get hard the minute he saw Mattie in her bra, there were no such conflicts down below. “Besides, I’m not really one of your friends. You don’t have to treat me like one. I’m just your security contractor.”

  He'd just pulled his T-shirt off over his head, when Mattie came up behind him, placing her hand on his back. Her warm touch sent a shudder of awareness through him, as did the touch of her lips on his skin. “That’s not true. And I can tell you’re upset about something. Why not just tell me what it is?”

  He wanted to. Really, he did. But he couldn’t. Because what would be the point anyway? It seemed clear this was just sex. They both knew it couldn’t be anything more. So once this job was over, they’d both move on to greener pastures. No sense rocking the boat any more than was necessary. Rather than answer, he turned and kissed her, hard and hot and deep, trying to convey everything going on inside him in that one gesture. And sure, he was avoiding talking things out, but damn. After walking around feeling like his world was off kilter from their fight, it all seemed to click back into place with her in his arms.

  Everything else faded away—all the hurt and pain and doubt and fear. There was only heat and sweetness and lust and truth. His universe narrowed to just this moment, this night, this woman. It felt more right than anything ever had before.

  After they’d both floated back to earth from their mind-blowing orgasms, Greg gathered her close, lying in the darkness, staring up at the ceiling.

  “I meant what I said, earlier…” she whispered against his chest, over his heart, her breath tickling his skin. “About you staying tonight.”

  “I know.” Greg bent and kissed the top of her head, inhaling the sweet, fruity scent of her shampoo. “I know.”

  “But it was probably good you left.”

  The words stabbed like a knife, catching him off-guard. Had she been embarrassed by him after all? Maybe he was good enough to fuck, but not anything else.

  But then she continued and if he’d been flayed before, he felt totally gutted now.

  “I mean, I should probably keep you away so I can remember how to be happy with my life as it was before. That way, my heart won’t be broken when you leave.”

  Just like that, all those walls he’d built strong and sturdy around his feelings came crashing down. Because shit, he felt the same way, even if he’d never say it. Like he was too exposed, too vulnerable, too attached whenever she was near. He wanted to say it to her, to let her know she wasn’t alone, but that might break him too. And there’d be no one to help him pick up the pieces afterward.

  So, he didn’t respond. Just lay there in the dark, holding Mattie until she fell asleep, then closing his eyes too, even though he doubted slumber was a possibility for him after that. Not with his emotions in a knot and his mind scrambled.

  14

  In the hazy predawn gloom the next morning, after a sleepless night, Greg was still struggling to come to a conclusion as to whether giving it a real go with Mattie was a possibility. Honestly, it was easy to be anti-relationship when it was a hypothetical thing. But since Mattie had come into his life, there was nothing hypothetical about it.

  In fact, she was here, now, in his arms, snoring softly in that adorable way she had, warm and cozy against him. And if he was truthful with himself, this already felt real. More real than anything he’d ever felt before with anyone. And frankly, it was amazing. And scary. But mostly amazing.

  Yet could he really trust that that would last? Things with Marian had been great when they only saw each other while he was on leave. It was when he was around all the time that they realized they couldn’t make it work. With Mattie, it would be the opposite problem. He’d gotten used to being around her all the time. But what would happen when the job was over? What if he had to leave for his next assignment? Be gone for weeks, maybe a month or more? Would she wait for him?

  He sighed and tucked Mattie a little tighter into his side, wincing slightly at the tightness in his right arm. He’d slept on it funny and now it ached a little. Didn’t mean he planned to move it out from underneath Mattie’s neck anytime soon.

  But even as he tried to just enjoy this peaceful moment, he kept thinking back to how everything had fallen apart with Marian. When they had broken up, he’d blamed it all on his injury, on him no longer being the SEAL she fell in love with but now, looking back, he could see there were more problems there than he’d been willing to acknowledge at the time. Things like the fact that they were more different from each other than alike. In the end they hadn’t been able to bridge that divide and Marian’s last words that stuck with him the most from that last fight were I just don’t know who you are anymore.

  They still echoed around him sometimes, making him question himself, like now. When it was quiet and still and the future loomed, vast and overwhelming.

  Eventually, Greg snoozed a little more and finally got up when Mattie did. After a quick shower together because they were both in a hurry, he stood in her room getting dressed while Mattie finished up in the bathroom.

  He stared at his reflection in the mirror, smoothing down his hair that was getting too long for his tastes. He was used to keeping it buzz-cut short in the SEALs. Now there was one pesky piece in front that kept flopping over his forehead stubbornly, no matter how many times he combed it back into place. Finally, he sat down on the edge of the bed to pull on his boots, his questions from earlier that morning still swirling in his head, unanswered. Without thinking about it, he asked, “What do you see in me?”

  “I’m sorry?” Mattie stuck her head out, toothbrush in hand. “What?”

  Greg straightened and caught her eyes in the mirror. “What do you see in me?”

  She grinned, adorable even with a smear of toothpaste on her cheek, “Besides your hot bod?”

  He snorted and shook his head. He’d never paid much attention to how he looked, other than making sure he met the military regulations when in uniform. “Yeah, besides that.”

  “Well, I like your self-assurance. You know exactly who you are.”

  Oh. That was…not what he’d expected. At all.

  He stopped midway through tugging on his other boot and scowled. He was still discovering who he was now, since he wasn’t a SEAL anymore. Sure, most of the time he put on a show of bravado, a façade of confidence, but underneath he felt as lost as everyone else. Apparently, he’d put on a good act for Mattie. Maybe too good, by the sound of it. So, one of the things Mattie liked most about him was something that wasn’t true? Yikes. His stomach bottomed out a bit.

  “Huh. Okay.” he said, resting his forearms on his thighs and frowning down at his hands dangling between his knees while she returned to the bathroom to finish brushing her teeth.

  He tried to hide how he was feeling, as usual, but some of his inner turmoil must’ve shown on his face because the next thing he knew, Mattie had tossed her towel aside and had come around the bed to straddle him and kiss him, all mint and sweetness wrapped in a white terry-cloth robe.

  They messed around a bit, kissing and touching, nothing too heavy, until finally Mattie pulled back with a sigh. “I need to get Liza up and ready for school.”

  “Sure. Right.” He sat up once she climbed off him, then straightened his shirt before standing too, that stupid piece of hair flopping in his eyes again. He was going to get the scissor and hack it off today, dammit. Enough was enough. But first… “I’ll go downstairs and start some breakfast.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about it,” Mattie said, brushing past him as she dressed in a pantsuit and pumps. “We’ve got our morning routine down to a science. You do your thing, and we’ll do ours. I’ll see you later at the museum.”

  “Uh, okay.” He felt about as useless as tits on a bull right then, so Greg retreated back to his room at the museum after a quick kiss goodbye. As he walked back across the yard in the rapidly rising sunshine, he couldn’t shake off the hint of disappointment he was feeling. Not over the breakfast thing so much as the fact he’d kind of hoped Mattie might tell him something about himself that rang true for him, something that might help him figure out who he was now and where his future was going. Most of the time he felt like a visitor in his own life these days, trying it out before buying. And if he was going to talk to Mattie about giving this thing between them, whatever it was, a go, then he wanted to make sure he felt one hundred percent certain about them being together. It had been such a blow to have things fall apart with Marian—not because he’d believe she was the love of his life but because so much of his life had been in turmoil, and he’d thought—hoped—that she’d be the constant that would see him through.

  Maybe that had been part of the problem. Maybe he’d put too much pressure on her. He didn’t want to do that with Mattie. Didn’t want to cling to her just because she made sense when so many other things in his world didn’t. She deserved better than that.

  This was why he’d wanted to get his head on straight and his life figured out before he tried out dating again. Just his luck that he’d meet the perfect woman at a moment when he didn’t feel he had anything to offer her. Everything about his future was so up in the air. It left him feeling like everything was fluid, like nothing lasted forever, and he hated it. Just like he hated hearing Mattie name her favorite thing about him—while knowing that it absolutely wasn’t true.

  And that, combined with the fact that Mattie had already told him she didn’t want a relationship either—and yeah, maybe the whole “we’ve got our own routine” outsider vibe too—basically felt like it proved to him that any ideas he had about a happily ever after for them was doomed to fail.

  It had been a stupid idea to begin with.

  But that still left him with an issue. Mainly, where to go from there?

  It wasn’t like some magical sense of self was going to fall from the sky for him. And truthfully, he didn’t need it to. He didn’t need to know who he was to do a good job at security work. Plus, he needed a job. And protecting people like Mattie seemed like a good fit for him. He knew it was important work, and he trusted Logan and Hope to pick good clients—people he would be proud to help and protect. Besides, surely not every client would shake up his emotions the way this case had, right? Surely there had to be some elderly or married or gay people with mysteries to solve, yeah?

  He mused about it all the way back to the museum and as he punched the new code into the keypad at the entrance, as he stalked across the lobby and up the stairs to the second floor too.

  Then once he was back in his room, he pulled his phone out and took step number one, because he was tired of feeling like his whole universe was in limbo. He might not know who he was, but he did know how he could make a living. So, he called the agency and planned to leave a voicemail on Hope’s line saying he’d take the position she’d offered him. But surprisingly, despite the early, hour long before the usual opening time, Logan answered.

  “Dude. What’s up?”

  “Oh, hey,” Greg said, checking his watch. Yep, still only six forty-five. “What, do you sleep there now too?”

  “Nah, just in early today.” Logan chuckled. “What’s your excuse?”

  Not wanting to get into the whole deal with Mattie, Greg covered by saying, “Same.”

  He took a deep breath and plunged ahead. “Listen, Hope called me and offered me a full-time permanent position with Team Oracle. I told her I wanted to think about it, but I’ve thought it over and I’d like to accept.”

  “That’s awesome, dude!” Logan sounded thrilled. “Did you decide if you’d be open to taking remote assignments or just the ones here in Baltimore? I mean, I’d do the remote jobs myself—shouldn’t be a leader if you’re not willing to take the toughest jobs yourself—but I don’t want to be that far away from Hope and Reese and all, so… But if you’d rather not take them, I can always hire someone else to do those.”

  Greg looked out his window at the carriage house along the way, picturing Mattie and Liza getting ready for school, and part of him wanted to stay close, just in case he was being too pessimistic and there was a way for him and Mattie to have a future together. But the other part of him knew that a clean break was better. Once this case was over and he’d solved the mystery of the hauntings at the museum, he’d head back to Baltimore—where there was nothing waiting for him. Certainly no wife and kid he’d want to rush home to at the end of the day, like Luke. So he said, “Yeah, sure. I’m up for remote jobs. The more the better.”

  “Okay.” A beat or two passed before Logan continued. “Is, uh, everything all right between you and Mattie?”

  “Fine,” Greg said, a bit too fast probably, but whatever. “We’re good. She’s just my client. Nothing more. I’m being careful, like you said. Why?”

  A creak sounded in the hall outside his room and Greg looked over to see Mattie and Liza standing there and…shit. He wondered if she’d heard him say that to Logan and damn. Yeah. Based on the pinched expression on her face, she had. Dammit. How the hell had she gotten up here without him seeing or hearing anyway? So much for his awesome detective skills.

  “Uh, I need to go,” Greg said. “Talk to you later.”

  He hung up without waiting for Logan’s response then gave Mattie a nervous smile. “What do you need?”

  “Nothing,” Mattie said, her voice cold enough to chill ice as she hurried Liza toward the stairs. “We’re on our way to school. Busy day.”

  She’s just my client. Nothing more.

  Stupid, Mattie. So stupid.

  Did he really not feel what she felt? She’d been so sure about the strong connection tying them together—but was it only one-sided?

  Just as she’d told him, she liked him because he knew who he was. He had his own values, and he stuck to them no matter what. She could always count on him to do what he felt was right, quietly and decisively, without giving way just to make people like him better. His whole life had turned upside down, but even though he was still finding himself professionally, still figuring out where his life would go from here, he’d never compromised on the kind of person he wanted to be. She admired that.

  She admired it a little less when she heard him say—with such absolute assurance—that she was just a client, nothing more. If he said it, then he meant it. And she would just be fooling herself if she tried to convince herself otherwise.

  After last night, she’d been pretty sure Greg felt something for her too, but it seemed that she’d been wrong. Wasn’t like it would be the first time. She’d been wrong about Liza’s dad too, thinking he’d never cheat on her right up until she’d walked in on him. Of course, afterward, she’d realized there’d been signs all along, but she’d just chosen not to see them.

  Am I putting on blinders now too?

  Her thoughts were interrupted by Liza clambering into the car and cramming her backpack onto the floor at her feet. She charged into an animated rundown of what she had planned for her day as only a five-year-old could.

  It was the sharp reminder that she needed that she had to hold it together. Her daughter was depending on her. The museum was depending on her. She was depending on herself to get through this and to come out on the other side.