“Kelowna.” Faith sat down on the edge of the bed. “I shouldn’t be such a bitch about it. It’s a long way to come for a visit.”

  “Are you close to your mom?”

  Faith thought for a moment. “I used to be. But the drugs kinda got between us, you know?”

  Laura nodded. “I can see how that would happen.”

  “What about you?” Where is your mother, if you don’t mind me asking?

  “Well...” Laura should have known better than to start a conversation along these lines. “I’m not really sure.”

  “Wow. I can’t imagine that.”

  Laura thought back to the last time she’d seen her mother. She had insisted on accompanying her father to Vancouver, knowing that he would be seeing her mother to finalize the divorce.

  Her father had been surprisingly forthright regarding the details of the divorce, and had kept her informed as to what had been decided. There had never been a question of which parent she would live with after her mother’s bitter denunciation a few years previously. But somewhere deep inside, she hoped that her mother would at least ask that visitation rights be written into the divorce agreement.

  She’d been anxious about the meeting; the lawyer’s plush offices did little to calm her nerves. Her mother was already seated when they walked into the small conference room. “Hello Carolyn,” her father said. Laura thought she caught a hint of sadness in his tone. After all, he’d loved this woman once.

  “Hugh,” she said brusquely. Then her gaze turned to Laura. “What’s she doing here?”

  “Hello, Mother.” Laura’s anger overcame her nerves. “Remember me?”

  “Of course I do,” her mother snapped. “You’re the one who threw away an amazing career.” Her top lip curled ever so slightly as she looked her daughter up and down. “And for what?”

  “That’s enough, Carolyn.” She’d never heard her father use that tone of voice with his wife. “Let’s just get on with it.”

  That was the last time she saw her mother.

  She dragged herself back to the present. “It is hard to imagine a mother not being in touch with her daughter.” The memories were unsettling, and she offered Faith a faint smile. “Especially after what I’ve seen in the meantime.”

  Faith remained silent, waiting for her to continue.

  “I’m a paediatric nurse and I worked on the oncology ward.” Memories came flooding back, and she tried to push them down but they were too recent, too poignant. “I saw countless mothers who never gave up on their children, no matter what. So I know what real motherly love is.”

  “Wasn’t that depressing? Seeing all those sick kids?”

  Laura shook her head. “Surprisingly, no.” She looked directly at her roommate. “We could all take lessons from them, believe me.”

  The conversation was veering dangerously close to things she’d rather forget. She glanced at her watch. “It’s visiting time. Your mother’s probably waiting.”

  Faith rose, walked to the door and then turned. “I think I’ll make more of an effort to be nice to my mother today.” She gave a wry smile. “After all, it’s not her fault I’m in here.”

  “Have a good visit.” Laura checked her own appearance. She’d been taking care of her hair and it was back to its former glory. It hung down her back in soft curls, light brown shot through with streaks of gold. She twisted it up in a knot on the top of her head and pinned it in place, her movements deft from years of practice. The day was overcast, but she planned to sit down by the lake anyway; she’d become a devotee of fresh air since coming here.

  * * *

  “Hello, Laura.” She’d been lost in thought and didn’t recognize the voice at first. “They told me I’d find you here.”

  Laura recovered in time to put a smile on her face. “Rachel!” She stood up and offered her hand. “What in the world are you doing here?” Her former supervisor was the last person she’d expected to see.

  “I was at a conference in Victoria.” The other woman was looking her over, trying not to be too obvious. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and decided to drop in. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course not, it’s good to see you.” Laura gestured to the bench. “Would you like to sit down?”

  Rachel sat sideways on the bench and Laura did likewise. Whatever Rachel had to say, she wanted to be able to watch her face.

  The other woman didn’t waste any time. “You look good. How long has it been?”

  “Three weeks all together. I was under medical supervision the first week, and I’ve been in therapy for two weeks now.” She tried to look positive. “It’s going well, I think.” Her thoughts raced. Was it too early to ask about going back to work?

  “How’s everything at the hospital?” She watched the other woman closely.

  Rachel shrugged. “About the same.” She picked at non-existent lint on her slacks. “Do you want me to tell anyone I saw you?”

  The question took Laura by surprise. It wasn’t something she’d thought about. “I don’t think so, no.” She hesitated. “They know I’m in here?”

  “Yes, they do.”

  “Then no, I’d rather you didn’t mention it to them.” She took the plunge. “Listen, I hate to put you on the spot, and maybe it’s too soon, but do you think they’ll ever consider taking me back?”

  Rachel let her gaze drift out over the lake then took a deep breath. “I don’t think so, Laura.”

  She had to know. “Is that an ‘I don’t think so’ or is it a ‘no’?”

  The Head Nurse didn’t hesitate. “It’s a no. I won’t go into the reasons; you know those well enough.”

  Laura nodded. “Is that why you came up? To tell me?”

  “Yes. I know how much you loved your job at St. Mark’s and I didn’t want you to hold out hope and then be told by some drone in Human Resources.” She looked down. “No, that’s not fair to the HR people. They have their job to do like everyone else. I just wanted to tell you personally.”

  Tears burned the back of Laura’s eyes but she fought them back. “Thank you for that, Rachel. It may not look like it at the moment, but I appreciate it, I really do.”

  “I know.” The other woman placed a hand over Rachel’s. “I’m sorry.”

  They sat quietly for a few moments while swallows dived around them, picking bugs out of the air.

  “You haven’t asked about Stew,” said Rachel eventually.

  “I don’t care about Stew.” Laura shrugged. “What about him?”

  “He was quietly let go. I heard he went to a hospital on the prairies somewhere.”

  It was Laura’s turn to look out over the lake. “I don’t blame him, you know. About the drugs, I mean. When it comes to our relationship...well that was another story.” She gave a dry, mirthless laugh. “I refuse to spend my energy thinking about him.”

  “Sounds like you’ve been listening to your counsellor.” Rachel smiled and looked discreetly at her watch.

  “I suppose I have.” Laura took the hint and stood up. “Thanks so much for coming.”

  Her former supervisor stood up and gave her a lingering hug. “You’re going to be fine, Laura. Look me up sometime when you’re back in town.”

  “I’ll do that.” The two women walked toward the parking lot. “Take care now.”

  She stood watching until Rachel had pulled out. They both knew that it was unlikely they would ever see one another again.

  The sun peeked out from behind a cloud and Laura looked up. The world wasn’t coming to an end after all. She walked into the lobby of the main building, went directly to the coffee machine and poured herself a large take-out cup. On the way back outside she noticed Faith with a tall, slender woman. They were chatting together like teenagers, and Laura smiled to herself. Coffee in hand, she sauntered back down to the bench, which was still vacant. Hopefully it would remain that way. A chapter in her life had just closed and she needed to bid it a formal farewell. She’d learned in counselling that repressing bad memories only lent them more power. It was time to take hers out and confront them.

  * * *

  Many of the girls in her nursing class had approached the four years of training required to become an RN with more than a little trepidation. Laura, on the other hand, revelled in every moment. She had dreamed of this most of her life. Tasks which the others found repugnant or distasteful she handled with aplomb; she’d seen as much and worse while volunteering at the hospital with Jenna. After all, it was all part of her chosen profession; she wouldn’t be changing bedpans and performing bodily cleanups forever.

  It soon became evident that she excelled in the paediatric ward. The sight of the tiny patients was difficult to bear, but the ones who were able to communicate were unfailingly bright and hopeful. Laura determined early on that paediatrics would be her specialty. After that, the training years flew by. She soaked up knowledge on a daily basis and graduated near the top of her class.

  With Rachel as her supervisor and mentor, she thrived on the oncology ward. Toward the end of her training she met Stew Roland. Tall and blonde, he was from a family with serious money. Rachel sometimes wondered why he’d subjected himself to the long, arduous hours it took to become a doctor, but he was a skilled surgeon, and well respected.

  They were soon accepted as a couple in hospital circles, and Laura was content with her life. Well paid, she rented an apartment in the West End, overlooking English Bay. Her father had turned over control of her investments some years ago, but she’d never touched the money. It seemed somehow tainted, and she was thrilled to be supporting herself on her RN’s salary.

  And then, in her third year of nursing, she met Mattie Schroeder.

  The moment Laura laid eyes on the young boy, she’d lost her heart. His bed was positioned by a window and he was asleep the first time she saw him. His breathing was ragged, and dark smudges underlined his eyes. She had checked his chart and noted that he had ALL, but she would have been able to tell that even without the confirmation. His arms lay outside the bright quilt on his bed, and she noted the bruising so common to leukemia. She laid a hand on his forehead and was surprised when the child opened his eyes.

  “Hello, Mattie,” she said, startled by the intense blue of his eyes.

  “Who are you?” he asked, looking at her with an odd expression. “Are you an angel?”

  “No” she said, “afraid not.”

  “Oh,” he said with a heartbreaking smile. “I thought you were.” He held up a hand to shield his eyes and she realized that the sun was coming in the window behind her. Haloed by the sun, she probably did look like an angel.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked. She’d come back to work on the afternoon shift after a week off. Mattie had undergone a lumbar puncture that morning, and would likely be sore.

  He shifted in the bed. “I hurt a bit but the doctor said I’m very brave.” He glanced around the ward at the other children, most of whom had visitors. “I wish my Mommy would come to visit me.”

  “She’s probably busy.” Laura had no idea what the story was. “But I tell you what. I’ll come back and visit you later, if you like. I have a break in a couple of hours.”

  The child’s eyes lit up. “I’d like that.”

  “Good.” Laura touched his forehead again. A simple gesture, it seemed to calm the ones who were in pain. She went to the nurses’ station, where Rachel was getting ready to leave.

  “What’s the story on little Mattie?” She pulled his binder out of the slot and checked for family information. “Does his mother come to visit?”

  Rachel frowned and lowered her voice. “Not as often as she should. It’s hard to watch, actually.”

  “Where does she live?”

  “They’re from North Van, so she doesn’t have far to come.”

  Laura was incensed. “So what’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know.” The Head Nurse paused. “She comes in a sits with him for a few minutes and then leaves. All of the nurses have noticed it. It’s as though she’s abandoned him. We rarely see any sign of affection.”

  Laura turned away. She knew well enough what it was like to grow up without motherly affection.

  “But he’s so cute!”

  Rachel smiled. “He is, isn’t he? Some parents just can’t handle it, I suppose. He has ataxia telangiectasia, which as you know is inherited. Maybe she feels responsible in some way for giving him leukemia.”

  “Or maybe she just doesn’t care about him.” Laura hadn’t meant to speak so harshly. She held up a hand. “Sorry. That was way off the mark.”

  “It’s okay to care, Laura. That’s what makes you such a good paediatric nurse. But don’t let anyone hear you talking like that.”

  “You’re right, of course. I’ll keep it to myself.”

  For the next several weeks, she spent as much time as possible with Mattie. She generally waited for visiting hours, when the other patients were occupied with family members, so that her time spent with Mattie wouldn’t be so obvious. She brought books from the hospital library and read to him, soon discovering that he loved a series of books about Geronimo Stilton, a delightful mouse character who was also a journalist.

  Rachel watched her growing affection for the six-year-old. “Careful,” she cautioned over a cup of coffee in the cafeteria. “Remember what you learned in school.”

  “I know.” Laura stirred sweetener into her coffee. “Guard your heart. But really, Rach, he’s so sweet!”

  “Those are the worst kind.”

  The warning was well-meant, but Laura bristled. “True, but he’s dying.”

  Rachel stiffened. “We don’t know that. Look on the bright side. Think of the statistics.”

  “Rachel.” Laura spoke slowly. “He’s going in for another spinal tap tomorrow. That’s not the best news.”

  “Yeah, I know.” The starch went out of the Head Nurse. “But be careful, okay? You’re getting awfully close to this one.”

  Laura made time to sit with Mattie when he came back from his procedure the next day. “How are you doing, buddy?” she asked, taking his hand.

  The child closed his eyes and shifted uncomfortably. “I’m okay.” The words were little more than a whisper and she had to lean close. The brilliance of his eyes had dimmed a little. Not surprising, considering what he’d been through. “Am I going to die?” he asked, watching her closely.

  She held his small hand in both of hers and gave it a kiss. She didn’t care who saw the gesture, the child needed affection now more than ever. “No,” she said simply. “You’re not.”

  He looked at her, and for a moment it was as though he could see inside her mind. “Will you be there when I go to heaven?”

  “My goodness, that’s a long time from now.”

  “But you’re my angel. I want you to be there.”

  She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Then I’ll be there.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  He turned his head toward the entrance to the ward. “My Mommy’s here,” he said, then looked back at her. “Will you read to me tonight?”

  “Sure will.” Laura stepped away from the bed. “See you later.”

  Mattie’s mother glared at her when she walked by and Laura forced what she hoped was a friendly smile in return. What was the matter with the woman? She went back to the nurses’ station.

  “Did you see Mattie’s mother?” Rachel murmured.

  “Yeah, she’s not a happy camper.”

  “Don’t let her get to you.” The supervisor looked at her watch. “You’re late for your break. Go grab a cup of coffee.”

  Laura nodded. “Thanks, I will.”

  She blew on her coffee, lost in thought. She had broken one of the cardinal rules of nursing and become too attached to one of her patients. It was especially true on the oncology ward, but Mattie was the sweetest, most undemanding child she’d ever met. All he wanted was to be loved, and for some reason his mother couldn’t...or wouldn’t...meet that need. Laura’s heart broke every time she saw them together.

  * * *

  “Laura, over here.” Rachel beckoned her when she walked back on the floor. The Head Nurse moved into the consultation room, indicating that she should follow. She stepped inside and Rachel motioned for her to close the door.

  “Mattie’s mother just stopped by.” Rachel dropped into a chair and let out an audible sigh. “Did you tell Mattie he’s not going to die?”

  Laura pulled back. “Yes, I did.” Where was this going?

  “Well, she’s enraged. She says you shouldn’t be talking to Mattie about things like that.”

  “But Rachel, he asked. What was I supposed to say?”

  “You’re supposed to say what you were trained to say. You talk around the subject.”

  Laura scooted forward on her chair. “I couldn’t.” She looked down at her clenched hands. “He didn’t believe me, anyway.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Laura composed herself. “He asked me if I’d be in heaven when he gets there.” She gave a weak smile. “That’s when I did some tap-dancing.”

  “Well, I’m sorry Laura, but she doesn’t want you to have any contact with him other than what’s absolutely necessary. You’re not to spend any extra time with him.”

  “But I promised to read to him tonight. I’ll do it on my dinner break.”

  “No.” Rachel shook her head. “She says she’ll raise a fuss.”

  Laura slumped back in her chair. Facing difficult situations was part of the job, but she’d never imagined she’d be tested in this way. “All right,” she said reluctantly. “But I want you to know that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been asked to do.”

  “I know, but I wouldn’t put it past her to come back tonight. She said something about meeting a friend downtown for dinner.” The Head Nurse looked at her closely. “Don’t do anything foolish.”

  Laura sighed. “Okay. But only because I like my job too much to put it in jeopardy.”

  “Good.” Rachel smiled. “I don’t want to lose you.”

  After the patients had been served dinner, Laura asked one of the LPNs to pull the curtain beside Mattie’s bed. “Just close it part way,” she said.