Lord Illingworth Oh, duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself. Of course, I was influenced by my mother. Every man is when he is young.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I am glad to hear you say so. Gerald shall certainly not go away with you.

  Lord Illingworth What nonsense, Rachel!

  Mrs. Arbuthnot Do you think I would allow my son—

  Lord Illingworth Our son.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot My son Lord Illingworth shrugs his shoulders—to go away with the man who spoiled my youth, who ruined my life, who has tainted every moment of my days? You don’t realise what my past has been in suffering and in shame.

  Lord Illingworth My dear Rachel, I must candidly say that I think Gerald’s future considerably more important than your past.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot Gerald cannot separate his future from my past.

  Lord Illingworth That is exactly what he should do. That is exactly what you should help him to do. What a typical woman you are! You talk sentimentally, and you are thoroughly selfish the whole time. But don’t let us have a scene. Rachel, I want you to look at this matter from the commonsense point of view, from the point of view of what is best for our son, leaving you and me out of the question. What is our son at present? An underpaid clerk in a small Provincial Bank in a third-rate English town. If you imagine he is quite happy in such a position, you are mistaken. He is thoroughly discontented.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot He was not discontented till he met you. You have made him so.

  Lord Illingworth Of course, I made him so. Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation. But I did not leave him with a mere longing for things he could not get. No, I made him a charming offer. He jumped at it, I need hardly say. Any young man would. And now, simply because it turns out that I am the boy’s own father and he my own son, you propose practically to ruin his career. That is to say, if I were a perfect stranger, you would allow Gerald to go away with me, but as he is my own flesh and blood you won’t. How utterly illogical you are!

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I will not allow him to go.

  Lord Illingworth How can you prevent it? What excuse can you give to him for making him decline such an offer as mine? I won’t tell him in what relations I stand to him, I need hardly say. But you daren’t tell him. You know that. Look how you have brought him up.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I have brought him up to be a good man.

  Lord Illingworth Quite so. And what is the result? You have educated him to be your judge if he ever finds you out. And a bitter, an unjust judge he will be to you. Don’t be deceived, Rachel. Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot George, don’t take my son away from me. I have had twenty years of sorrow, and I have only had one thing to love me, only one thing to love. You have had a life of joy, and pleasure, and success. You have been quite happy, you have never thought of us. There was no reason, according to your views of life, why you should have remembered us at all. Your meeting us was a mere accident, a horrible accident. Forget it. Don’t come now, and rob me of … of all I have in the whole world. You are so rich in other things. Leave me the little vineyard of my life; leave me the walled-in garden and the well of water; the ewe-lamb God sent me, in pity or in wrath, oh! leave me that. George, don’t take Gerald from me.

  Lord Illingworth Rachel, at the present moment you are not necessary to Gerald’s career; I am. There is nothing more to be said on the subject.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I will not let him go.

  Lord Illingworth Here is Gerald. He has a right to decide for himself.

  Enter Gerald.

  Gerald Well, dear mother, I hope you have settled it all with Lord Illingworth?

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I have not, Gerald.

  Lord Illingworth Your mother seems not to like your coming with me, for some reason.

  Gerald Why, mother?

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I thought you were quite happy here with me, Gerald. I didn’t know you were so anxious to leave me.

  Gerald Mother, how can you talk like that? Of course I have been quite happy with you. But a man can’t stay always with his mother. No chap does. I want to make myself a position, to do something. I thought you would have been proud to see me Lord Illingworth’s secretary.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I do not think you would be suitable as a private secretary to Lord Illingworth. You have no qualifications.

  Lord Illingworth I don’t wish to seem to interfere for a moment, Mrs. Arbuthnot, but as far as your last objection is concerned, I surely am the best judge. And I can only tell you that your son has all the qualifications I had hoped for. He has more, in fact, than I had even thought of. Far more. Mrs. Arbuthnot remains silent. Have you any other reason, Mrs. Arbuthnot, why you don’t wish your son to accept this post?

  Gerald Have you, mother? Do answer.

  Lord Illingworth If you have, Mrs. Arbuthnot, pray, pray say it. We are quite by ourselves here. Whatever it is, I need not say I will not repeat it.

  Gerald Mother?

  Lord Illingworth If you would like to be alone with your son, I will leave you. You may have some other reason you don’t wish me to hear.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I have no other reason.

  Lord Illingworth Then, my dear boy, we may look on the thing as settled. Come, you and I will smoke a cigarette on the terrace together. And Mrs. Arbuthnot, pray let me tell you, that I think you have acted very, very wisely.

  Exit with Gerald. Mrs. Arbuthnot is left alone. She stands immobile with a look of unutterable sorrow on her face.

  Act Drop

  Act III

  Scene: The picture gallery at Hunstanton. Door at back leading on to terrace.

  Lord Illingworth and Gerald, R.C. Lord Illingworth lolling on a sofa. Gerald in a chair.

  Lord Illingworth Thoroughly sensible woman, your mother, Gerald. I knew she would come round in the end.

  Gerald My mother is awfully conscientious, Lord Illingworth, and I know she doesn’t think I am educated enough to be your secretary. She is perfectly right, too. I was fearfully idle when I was at school, and I couldn’t pass an examination now to save my life.

  Lord Illingworth My dear Gerald, examinations are of no value whatsoever. If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is bad for him.

  Gerald But I am so ignorant of the world, Lord Illingworth.

  Lord Illingworth Don’t be afraid, Gerald. Remember that you’ve got on your side the most wonderful thing in the world—youth! There is nothing like youth. The middle-aged are mortgaged to Life. The old are in life’s lumber-room. But youth is the Lord of Life. Youth has a kingdom waiting for it. Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile, like most kings. To win back my youth, Gerald, there is nothing I wouldn’t do—except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of the community.

  Gerald But you don’t call yourself old, Lord Illingworth?

  Lord Illingworth I am old enough to be your father, Gerald.

  Gerald I don’t remember my father; he died years ago.

  Lord Illingworth So Lady Hunstanton told me.

  Gerald It is very curious, my mother never talks to me about my father. I sometimes think she must have married beneath her.

  Lord Illingworth Winces slightly. Really? Goes over and puts his hand on Gerald’s shoulder. You have missed not having a father, I suppose, Gerald?

  Gerald Oh, no; my mother has been so good to me. No one ever had such a mother as I have had.

  Lord Illingworth I am quite sure of that. Still I should imagine that most mothers don’t quite understand their sons. Don’t realise, I mean, that a son has ambitions, a desire to see life, to make himself a name. After all, Gerald, you couldn’t be expected to pass all your life in such a hole as Wrockley, could you?

  Gerald Oh, no! It would be dreadful!

  Lord Illingworth A mother’s love is very touching, of course, but it is often curiously selfish. I mean, there is a good deal of selfishness in it.

  Gerald Slowly. I suppose there is.

  Lord Illingworth Your mother is a thoroughly good woman. But good women have such limited views of life, their horizon is so small, their interests are so petty, aren’t they?

  Gerald They are awfully interested, certainly, in things we don’t care much about.

  Lord Illingworth I suppose your mother is very religious, and that sort of thing.

  Gerald Oh, yes, she’s always going to church.

  Lord Illingworth Ah! she is not modern, and to be modern is the only thing worth being nowadays. You want to be modern, don’t you, Gerald? You want to know life as it really is. Not to be put off with any old-fashioned theories about life. Well, what you have to do at present is simply to fit yourself for the best society. A man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. The future belongs to the dandy. It is the exquisites who are going to rule.

  Gerald I should like to wear nice things awfully, but I have always been told that a man should not think too much about his clothes.

  Lord Illingworth People nowadays are so absolutely superficial that they don’t understand the philosophy of the superficial. By the way, Gerald, you should learn how to tie your tie better. Sentiment is all very well for the buttonhole. But the essential thing for a necktie is style. A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.

  Gerald Laughing. I might be able to learn how to tie a tie, Lord Illingworth, but I should never be able to talk as you do. I don’t know how to talk.

  Lord Illingworth Oh! talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you, and at the end of your first season you will have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact.

  Gerald But it is very difficult to get into society isn’t it?

  Lord Illingworth To get into the best society, nowadays, one has either to feed people, amuse people, or shock people—that is all!

  Gerald I suppose society is wonderfully delightful!

  Lord Illingworth To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it simply a tragedy. Society is a necessary thing. No man has any real success in this world unless he has got women to back him, and women rule society. If you have not got women on your side you are quite over. You might just as well be a barrister, or a stockbroker, or a journalist at once.

  Gerald It is very difficult to understand women, is it not?

  Lord Illingworth You should never try to understand them. Women are pictures. Men are problems. If you want to know what a woman really means—which, by the way, is always a dangerous thing to do—look at her, don’t listen to her.

  Gerald But women are awfully clever, aren’t they?

  Lord Illingworth One should always tell them so. But, to the philosopher, my dear Gerald, women represent the triumph of matter over mind—just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

  Gerald How then can women have so much power as you say they have?

  Lord Illingworth The history of women is the history of the worst form of tyranny the world has ever known. The tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that lasts.

  Gerald But haven’t women got a refining influence?

  Lord Illingworth Nothing refines but the intellect.

  Gerald Still, there are many different kinds of women, aren’t there?

  Lord Illingworth Only two kinds in society: the plain and the coloured.

  Gerald But there are good women in society, aren’t there?

  Lord Illingworth Far too many.

  Gerald But do you think women shouldn’t be good?

  Lord Illingworth One should never tell them so, they’d all become good at once. Women are a fascinatingly wilful sex. Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.

  Gerald You have never been married, Lord Illingworth, have you?

  Lord Illingworth Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

  Gerald But don’t you think one can be happy when one is married?

  Lord Illingworth Perfectly happy. But the happiness of a married man, my dear Gerald, depends on the people he has not married.

  Gerald But if one is in love?

  Lord Illingworth One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

  Gerald Love is a very wonderful thing, isn’t it?

  Lord Illingworth When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself. And one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. But a really grande passion is comparatively rare nowadays. It is the privilege of people who have nothing to do. That is the one use of the idle classes in a country, and the only possible explanation of us Harfords.

  Gerald Harfords, Lord Illingworth?

  Lord Illingworth That is my family name. You should study the Peerage, Gerald. It is the one book a young man about town should know thoroughly, and it is the best thing in fiction the English have ever done. And now, Gerald, you are going into a perfectly new life with me, and I want you to know how to live. Mrs. Arbuthnot appears on terrace behind. For the world has been made by fools that wise men should live in it!

  Enter L.C. Lady Hunstanton and Dr. Daubeny.

  Lady Hunstanton Ah! here you are, dear Lord Illingworth. Well, I suppose you have been telling our young friend, Gerald, what his new duties are to be, and giving him a great deal of good advice over a pleasant cigarette.

  Lord Illingworth I have been giving him the best of advice, Lady Hunstanton, and the best of cigarettes.

  Lady Hunstanton I am so sorry I was not here to listen to you, but I suppose I am too old now to learn. Except from you, dear Archdeacon, when you are in your nice pulpit. But then I always know what you are going to say, so I don’t feel alarmed. Sees Mrs. Arbuthnot. Ah! dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, do come and join us. Come, dear. Enter Mrs. Arbuthnot. Gerald has been having such a long talk with Lord Illingworth; I am sure you must feel very much flattered at the pleasant way in which everything has turned out for him. Let us sit down. They sit down. And how is your beautiful embroidery going on?

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I am always at work, Lady Hunstanton.

  Lady Hunstanton Mrs. Daubeny embroiders a little, too, doesn’t she?

  The Archdeacon She was very deft with her needle once, quite a Dorcas. But the gout has crippled her fingers a good deal. She has not touched the tambour frame for nine or ten years. But she has many other amusements. She is very much interested in her own health.

  Lady Hunstanton Ah! that is always a nice distraction, is it not? Now, what are you talking about, Lord Illingworth? Do tell us.

  Lord Illingworth I was on the point of explaining to Gerald that the world has always laughed at its own tragedies, that being the only way in which it has been able to bear them. And that, consequently, whatever the world has treated seriously belongs to the comedy side of things.

  Lady Hunstanton Now I am quite out of my depth. I usually am when Lord Illingworth says anything. And the Humane Society is most careless. They never rescue me. I am left to sink. I have a dim idea, dear Lord Illingworth, that you are always on the side of the sinners, and I know I always try to be on the side of the saints, but that is as far as I get. And after all, it may be merely the fancy of a drowning person.

  Lord Illingworth The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

  Lady Hunstanton Ah! that quite does for me. I haven’t a word to say. You and I, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, are behind the age. We can’t follow Lord Illingworth. Too much care was taken with our education, I am afraid. To have been well brought up is a great drawback nowadays. It shuts one out from so much.

  Mrs. Arbuthnot I should be sorry to follow Lord Illingworth in any of his opinions.

  Lady Hunstanton You are quite right, dear.

  Gerald shrugs his shoulders and looks irritably over at his mother. Enter Lady Caroline.

  Lady Caroline Jane, have you seen John anywhere?