HAIKUMOM: Chutes&Ladders, please.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: I got this.

  ORANGUTAN: He’s still logged on.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Hey Fountainhead, why did you come to this website?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Because I thoroughly enjoy getting shit on.

  HAIKUMOM: Censored.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Why do you want to be here?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Want? The two times I’ve logged on here I’ve wanted to vomit.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Well? Did you receive some sort of invitation? Did one of us ask you here?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Look, I’m the first to say it. I have a problem.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Adam had problems. Eve had problems. Why are you here?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: To get information.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Go to Wikipedia. Why are you here?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Because I smoke crack.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Go to a dealer. Why are you here?

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Because I plan to stop smoking crack.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Fine, when your son has a tummy-ache in the middle of the night and walks in on you tweaking and geeking just tell him, “Don’t worry, Junior, Daddy’s sucking on a glass dick—”

  HAIKUMOM (Overlaps): Hey!

  CHUTES&LADDERS: “—but Daddy makes 300K and this is all a part of Daddy’s Plan!”

  FOUNTAINHEAD: I’M A FUCKING CRACKHEAD.

  HAIKUMOM (Apologetic): Censored.

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Fuck you, Chutes&Ladders.

  HAIKUMOM: Bleep.

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Fuck you . . . Don’t talk about my sons. Don’t fucking talk about my boys.

  HAIKUMOM: Bleep again.

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Are you happy, Chutes&Ladders?

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Absolutely not, my friend. I’m a crackhead, too, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

  FOUNTAINHEAD: And I made 300K, I’m currently unemployed. An unemployed crackhead. At least I still have all my teeth. (They laugh) Better than I can say for my dealer.

  CHUTES&LADDERS (Being a friend): Ex-dealer, man.

  FOUNTAINHEAD: Ex-dealer. Thank you.

  HAIKUMOM: Fountainhead, welcome to the dinner party. Granted, it’s a party we never wanted to be invited to, but pull up a chair and pass the salt. Some people here may pour it in your wounds. Just like you, we’ve all crawled on the floor with a flashlight. We’ve thrown out the brillo and bought some more. But guess what? You had three days. For three days straight, you didn’t try to kill yourself on an hourly basis. Please. Talk to your wife about your addiction. You need every supporting resource. You are in for the fight of your life. You mentioned Wharton. I live in Philly. If you’re still in the area and you have an emergency or even a craving, email me directly. Any time of night. Don’t take it lightly when I say a sober day for you is a sober day for me. I know you can do this but I know you can’t do it alone. So stop being a highly functioning isolator and start being a highly dysfunctional person. The only way out it is through it.

  ORANGUTAN (Nostalgic): Slogans . . .

  HAIKUMOM: Ya’ll know I know ’em all.

  CHUTES&LADDERS: They saved my life.

  ORANGUTAN: Your personal favorite. Go.

  HAIKUMOM: “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

  (Elliot appears at the boxing gym, punching a bag. The Ghost watches him.)

  GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

  ORANGUTAN: “It came to pass, it didn’t come to stay.”

  FOUNTAINHEAD: “I obsessively pursue feeling good, no matter how bad it makes me feel.”

  CHUTES&LADDERS: Okay, now!

  ORANGUTAN: Nice!

  HAIKUMOM: Rookie don’t play!

  GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

  ORANGUTAN: “One hit is too many, one thousand never enough.”

  HAIKUMOM: “Have an at-ti-tude of gra-ti-tude.”

  CHUTES&LADDERS: “If you are eating a shit sandwich, chances are you ordered it.”

  ORANGUTAN: Ding ding ding. We have a winner!

  HAIKUMOM: Censored. But good one.

  GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

  HAIKUMOM (Turning a page in the paper): Oh shit!

  ORANGUTAN: CENSORED!!!!!! YES!!!!!! Whoooooo!

  HAIKUMOM: You got me.

  ORANGUTAN (Victorious): You know how long I’ve been waiting to do that?!

  HAIKUMOM: My sister Ginny’s in the Daily News! A nice big picture!

  GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

  HAIKUMOM: “Eugenia P. Ortiz, A Force For Good In Philadelphia!” Okay, now!

  (Elliot punches harder. His leg is starting to bother him.)

  ELLIOT: Your leg feels great. Your leg feels like a million bucks. No pain. No pain.

  HAIKUMOM: “In lieu of flowers contributions may be made to . . .”

  (Haikumom drops the newspaper.

  The Ghost blows on Elliot, knocking him to the floor.)

  GHOST: Momken men-fadluck ted-dini gawaz saffari?

  (Intermission.)

  Scene Seven

  A diner. Odessa and John, aka Fountainhead, sit in a booth.

  ODESSA: To lapsed Catholics. (They clink coffee mugs) And you thought we had nothing in common.

  JOHN: When did you become interested in Buddhism?

  ODESSA: My older brother used to terrorize me during mass. He would point to a statue, tell me about the evil spirit hiding behind it. Fangs, claws. I thought Saint Lazarus was gonna come to life and suck my eyes out. Buddhism? Not scary. If there’s spirits, they’re hiding inside you.

  JOHN: Aren’t those the scariest kind?

  ODESSA: So, how many days do you have? It should be two now.

  JOHN: I put my sons’ picture on my cell phone so if I get the urge, I can just look at them instead.

  ODESSA: How many days?

  JOHN (Small talk): I love Puerto Rico. On my honeymoon we stayed at that hotel in Old San Juan, the old convent. (Odessa shrugs) And that Spanish fort at the top of the city? El Morro?

  ODESSA: I’ve always been meaning to make it there.

  JOHN: There are these keyholes where the canons used to fit, and the view of the waves through them, you can practically see the Spanish armada approaching.

  ODESSA: I mean, one of these days I’ve gotta make it to PR.

  JOHN: Oh. I just figured . . .

  ODESSA: The Jersey Shore. Atlantic City. The Philadelphia airport. Oh, I’ve been places.

  JOHN: On an actual plane?

  ODESSA: I only fly first-class, and I’m still saving for that ticket.

  (Odessa’s cell phone rings.)

  JOHN: You’re a popular lady.

  ODESSA (Into her phone, her demeanor completely changing): What? I told you, the diner on Spring Garden and Third. I’m busy, come in an hour. One hour. Now stop calling me and asking fucking directions. (She hangs up)

  JOHN: Says the one who censors.

  ODESSA: My sister died.

  JOHN: Right. You sure you’re okay?

  ODESSA: She’s dead, ain’t nothing left to do. People act like the world is going to fall apart.

  JOHN: You write very Zen messages. And yet.

  ODESSA: My family knows every button to push.

  JOHN: My condolences. (Pause) You don’t strike me as a computer nerd. I used to employ an entire floor of them.

  ODESSA: You should’ve seen me at first, pecking with two fingers. Now I’m like an octopus with ten little tentacles. In my neck of the woods staying clean is like trying to tap-dance on a minefield. The website fills the hours. So how are we gonna fill yours, huh? When was the last time you picked up a javelin?

  JOHN: Senior year of high school.

  ODESSA (Hands him a sheet of paper): There’s a sober softball league. Fairmount Park, games on Sundays. Sober bowling on Thursdays.

  JOHN: I lied in my first post. I’ve been smoking crack for two years. I’ve tried quitting hundreds of times. Day two? Please, I’m in the seven-hundredth day of hell.

  ODESSA: You got it out of your system. Most people lie at one time or another on the site. The good news is, two years in, there’s still time. (Hands him another sheet of paper) Talbott Recovery Center in Atlanta. It’s designed for professionals with addictions. Paradise Recovery in Hawaii. They actually check your income before admitting you. Just for the wealthy. This place in Jersey, it’s right over the bridge, they have an outpatient program for professionals like you.

  JOHN: I’m tenacious. I’m driven. I love my parents.

  ODESSA: Pitchforks against tanks.

  JOHN: I relish in paying my taxes.

  ODESSA: And you could be dead tomorrow. (Pause) Is your dealer male or female?

  JOHN: I had a few. Flushed their numbers down the toilet like you suggested.

  ODESSA: Your original connection. The one who got you hooked.

  JOHN: Female.

  ODESSA: Did you have sex with her?

  JOHN: You don’t beat around the bush do you?

  ODESSA: I’ll take that as a yes. (No answer) Do you prefer sex when you’re high to sex when you’re sober?

  JOHN: I’ve never really analyzed it.

  ODESSA: It can be a dangerous cocktail. Some men get off on smoking and fucking.

  JOHN: All men get off on fucking.

  ODESSA: Are you scared your wife will find out you’re addicted to crack? Or are you scared she’ll find out what came of your wedding vows?

  JOHN: I should go.

  ODESSA: We just ordered.

  JOHN: I promised my son. There’s a science fair tomorrow. Something about dioramas and crazy glue.

  ODESSA: Don’t talk about them. Get sober for them.

  JOHN: Fuck you.

  ODESSA: Leave me three bucks for your coffee cuz I ain’t got it.

  (He stands, pulls out three dollars. She throws the money back at him.)

  You picked up the phone and called me.

  JOHN (He sits down again): I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never done this before.

  ODESSA: I have and it usually doesn’t end up so good. One in twenty, maybe, hang around. Most people just don’t write one day and then thirty days and then you’re wondering . . . And sometimes you get the answer. Cuz their wife looks on their computer and sees the website and logs on and writes, “I found him face down in the snow.”

  JOHN: How many day ones did you have?

  ODESSA: Seven years’ worth.

  JOHN: Do you still crave?

  ODESSA: On the good days, only every hour. Would you rather be honest with your wife, or would you rather end up like me? (Pause) That wasn’t rhetorical.

  JOHN: You’re not exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

  ODESSA: Truth. Now we’re talking.

  (Elliot and Yaz enter.)

  YAZ: There she is.

  (Elliot and Yaz sit down in the booth.)

  ELLIOT: You were supposed to meet us at the flower place.

  YAZ: The deposit was due at nine.

  ODESSA: My alarm clock didn’t go off.

  ELLIOT: Were you up on that chat room all night?

  ODESSA (Ignoring him, to a waiter, off): Can I get a refill, please?

  ELLIOT: Where’s the money?

  ODESSA: I told you I don’t have any money.

  ELLIOT: And you think I do? I been paying for Mami Ginny’s meds for six months straight—

  ODESSA: Well get it from Yaz’s mom.

  YAZ: My mom put in for the headstone. She got an expensive one.

  ODESSA: Headstone? She’s getting cremated.

  YAZ: She still needs a proper Catholic piece of granite. Right beside abuela, right beside your dad and sister and brother.

  ELLIOT: And daughter.

  YAZ: Everyone agreed.

  ODESSA: No one asked my opinion.

  ELLIOT: Everyone who showed up to the family meeting.

  ODESSA: I wasn’t invited.

  YAZ: I texted you twice.

  ODESSA: I was out of minutes.

  ELLIOT: We just spoke on the phone.

  ODESSA: Whatchu want me to do, Elliot, if I say I ain’t got no fucking money, I ain’t got no money.

  JOHN: Hi, I’m John, nice to meet you.

  YAZ: Yazmin.

  ELLIOT: You one of Mom’s rehab buddies?

  JOHN: We know each other from work.

  ELLIOT: You scrub toilets?

  ODESSA (To John): I’m a practitioner of the custodial arts.

  ELLIOT: Is she your sponsor?

  JOHN (To Odessa): I thought this was going to be a private meeting.

  ELLIOT: I’m her son.

  JOHN (To Odessa): You must have been young.

  ELLIOT: But I was raised by my Aunt Ginny and that particular aunt just died. (To Odessa) So now, you got three hours to find some money to pay for one basket of flowers in the funeral of the woman who changed my pampers.

  YAZ: We’re all supposed to be helping out.

  ODESSA: You both know I run out of minutes all the time. No one could be bothered to drive by and tell me face to face?

  ELLIOT: Because you always bothered to drive by and say hello to Mami Ginny when you knew she was sick? Because you bothered to hit me up one time this week and say, “Elliot, I’m sorry your mom died.”

  ODESSA: You still got one mom alive.

  ELLIOT: Really? You want to go there?

  YAZ: The flower place needs the money today.

  ODESSA: She was my sister and you are my son, too.

  YAZ: Guys. Two hundred dollars by end of business day.

  ODESSA: That’s my rent.

  ELLIOT: Then fifty.

  ODESSA: I just spent fifty getting my phone back on.

  ELLIOT: Ten dollars. For the woman who raised your son! Do we hear ten dollars? Going once!

  ODESSA: I spent my last ten at the post office.

  ELLIOT: Going twice!

  (John goes into his wallet.)

  JOHN: Here’s fifty.

  (They all look at him like he’s crazy. He pulls out some more money.)

  Two hundred?

  (Elliot pushes the money back to John with one pointer finger, as if the bills might be contaminated.)

  ELLIOT: No offense, I don’t take money from users.

  JOHN: I’m not . . . I think that was my cue.

  ODESSA: Sit down. My son was just going.

  ELLIOT: Did World’s Best Mom here tell you about her daughter?

  ODESSA: I’m about to throw this coffee in your fucking face.

  YAZ: Come on, Elliot, I’ll pay for the flowers.

  (Elliot doesn’t get up.)

  ELLIOT: I looked at that chat room once. The woman I saw there? She’s literally not the same person I know. (To John) Did she tell you how she became such a saint?

  JOHN: We all have skeletons.

  ELLIOT: Yeah well she’s an archaeological dig. Did she tell you about her daughter?

  ODESSA (Suddenly resigned): Go ahead, I ain’t got no secrets.

  YAZ (Getting up): Excuse me.

  ELLIOT: Sit here and listen, Yaz. You were born with a silver spoon and you need to know how it was for me.

  YAZ: I said I’d pay for the goddamn flowers so LET’S GO. NOW!

  ELLIOT: My sister and I had the stomach flu, right? For a whole day we couldn’t keep nothing down.

  ODESSA: Three days . . . You were vomiting three days straight.

  ELLIOT: Medicine, juice, anything we ate, it would come right back up. (To John) Your co-worker here took us to Children’s Hospital.

  ODESSA: Jefferson.

  ELLIOT: It was wall-to-wall packed. Every kid in Philly had this bug. ERs were turning kids away. They gave us a flier about stomach flu and sent us home. Bright blue paper. Little cartoon diagrams. It said give your kids a spoonful of water every five minutes.

  ODESSA: A teaspoon.

  ELLIOT: A small enough amount that they can keep it down. Five minutes. Spoon. Five minutes. Spoon. I remember thinking, Wow, this is it. Family time. Quality time. Just the three of us. Because it was gentle, the way you said, “Open up.” I opened my mouth, you put that little spoon of water into my mouth. That little bit of relief. And then I watched you do the same thing with my little sister. And I remember being like, “Wow, I love you, Mom. My moms is all right.” Five minutes. Spoon. Five minutes. Spoon. But you couldn’t stick to something simple like that. You couldn’t sit still like that. You had to have your thing. That’s where I stop remembering.

  ODESSA: I left.

  ELLIOT: A Department of Human Services report. That’s my memory. Six hours later a neighbor kicks in the door. Me and my sister are lying in a pile of laundry. My shorts was all messed up. And what I really don’t remember is my sister. Quote: “Female infant, approximately two years, pamper and tear ducts dry, likely cause of death, dehydration.” Cuz when you dehydrate you can’t form a single tear.

  JOHN (To Elliot): I’m very sorry . . . (He puts some money on the table) For the coffee. (Exits)

  ELLIOT: That’s some friend you got there.

  (Pause.)

  YAZ: Mary Lou. We can at least say her name out loud. Mary Lou. Mary Lou. (To Odessa) One time you came to babysit me, you brought Elliot and Mary Lou—she was still in pampers—and Mary Lou had this soda from 7-Eleven. She didn’t want to give me a sip. You yelled at her so bad, you totally cursed her out and I said, “You’re not supposed to yell at people like that!” And you said, “No, Yaz, let her cry. She’s gotta learn that ya’ll are cousins, ya’ll are flesh and blood, and we share everything. You hear me, Yaz? In this family we share everything” You walked out of the room, came back from the kitchen with four straws in your hand, sat us down on the floor in a circle, pointed to me and said, “You first.” I sipped. “Elliot’s turn.” He sipped. “Mary Lou’s turn.” She sipped. Then you sipped. You made us do like that, taking turns, going around the circle, till the cup was empty.

  (Odessa hands Elliot a key.)

  ODESSA: The pawn shop closes at five. Go into my house. Take my computer. Pawn it. However much you get, put towards a few flowers, okay?

  (Odessa exits.)

  Scene Eight

  Split scene: Odessa’s living room and the chat room.

  Chutes&Ladders holds a phone.