“Chris—”

  I’m still not sure what I would have said because he cut off any words, along with the thoughts attached to them, when his mouth slid over mine. This is what I had wanted. His full attention. Just the two of us.

  I pulled away.

  “Chris?” He moved to kiss me again, but I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping to get his attention. “That’s not an answer. What’s going on with us? What’s going on with you and Cheryl?”

  “Aw, babe, let’s not talk about that right now.” He kissed my cheek and turned my head toward him. “Let’s skip the talking part.”

  I let him kiss me again, telling myself this was all I’d dreamt about for the past six years, even as it ate away at me. I broke the kiss, taking off my seat belt and pushing the door open.

  “I’d really like to talk about some things first.” I hopped out and waited for him to follow, wondering where all this newfound feistiness was coming from.

  He got out and came around the car, looking me up and down, making some type of guy-dar judgment call.

  “Cheryl and I… broke up.”

  My heart stopped. No, it leapt. “You broke up with her?”

  He paused for a second before taking the last step toward me. My mind went a little numb as he reached for me, sliding a hand around my waist and pulling me toward him.

  “Yeah. Of course I did. Babe, you’ve been really good working with the team and you know the guys really like you. It’s been great.” He rested his chin on top of my head. “I was thinking I probably got that captain’s spot. I mean, we need to wait to really date until I know for sure, but…”

  He pulled back and looked at me, waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

  And then it dawned on me that I was perhaps the stupidest girl on the entire planet.

  “Oh?” I asked as innocently as possible. “So you know, when that’s all taken care of, we can date and do things like go to the Homecoming dance?”

  He blinked before answering, “Of course.”

  I leaned into him, tucking myself under his chin where I could hide what I was really thinking.

  “Oh, good,” I said. “I mean, I know Coach wants to talk to me about that Monday before the scrimmage, but you know, I’ll be glad when it’s done.”

  His hand moved slowly down my arm and back up again. Up and down. Up and down.

  “So Coach is going to run numbers with you and stuff Monday night?”

  “Yup. I mean, I’m really glad he gave us tonight and the rest of the weekend to just chill out. You guys have been working so hard and all, but I think I’ll try to pull everything together before the game Monday.”

  “What do you think you’re going to tell him?”

  I sighed, deep and loud. “Oh, you know. I’ll tell him who I think the best guy for the job is.”

  I leaned away, gave him my biggest smile and watched his face relax.

  “Good girl.” He brushed his mouth over mine again.

  I had never known I had it in me. “It” being the ability to play the game. I was going to play this one out a little and see where it went. Let him wonder.

  “So, what happened with Cheryl?” If he hadn’t had his arms around me, I wouldn’t have felt him stiffen.

  “You know she was never the girl for me.”

  Um, yeah. Right. Who was?

  “Well, I better go in.” I pulled from his embrace and stepped away. “Have a great weekend.”

  “Wait. Wait a minute.” He reached for me again. “I thought we could hang out tonight. You know, just the two of us.”

  “Sorry. I can’t. I have plans.”

  His eyes narrowed and he clenched his fist at his side before shaking it out. “With Parker?”

  “Chris, I thought we weren’t doing that. I thought you could do what you had to and I’d do my thing. I mean, you never asked me to hang out before. You didn’t care what I did.”

  In a little spot tucked behind my heart, a part of me wanted Chris to be the guy I always thought he was and say the exact right thing. To convince me I was wrong and to make it all right.

  “It is Parker, isn’t it? You don’t even care that he has a girlfriend he never told you about, do you?”

  I couldn’t help myself. I goaded him. “I knew about Katie just like I knew about Cheryl. And I don’t think you really cared anything about me. I was good for your ego and good for your rush to make team captain. But you aren’t good for me. And you know what? I’m done with that. Go find some other ego-stroker.”

  I strode toward the front door, proud of my big exit when his hand caught me about the elbow.

  “Amy,” he said low in my ear. “I’m sorry.”

  My name, coupled with the low, unsteady way he said it stopped me.

  “You’re right. I shouldn’t have used Cheryl like that and I shouldn’t have been so not-with-it with you. Let’s hang out. Just the two of us.”

  So much of me wanted to say yes—except for my new inner It-girl. She was kind of reveling in staying strong during our first fight.

  “Sorry, Chris. I do have plans tonight. Maybe we can get together later this weekend.”

  I went up on tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek before going inside.

  When I threw the lock, my mind drifted not to the boy on the other side of the door, but the one on the other side of town. The one out with his girlfriend. My heart did a weird little drop, like it was breaking a little at the thought.

  It had finally gotten back in its place behind my ribcage when my text pinged.

  Sorry.

  And there it went again… breaking into even smaller pieces.

  Chapter 15

  The next morning, before the sun filled my room with its own brand of cheerfulness, Dad’s car drove away leaving the cottage as deserted as usual. I didn’t know what to do, how to keep those promises I made my mom six years ago. But, since she’d left us, Dad had become all work all the time.

  Twenty minutes later, the rumble of an engine returned and I thought maybe he’d reconsidered spending my last weekend before school started with me. I formulated father-daughter plans for us, hoping he’d recognize me when he saw me, until the doorbell rang.

  My heart slowed to a dull thump-thump, just like it did every time I let myself think my dad was reaching out… and then didn’t.

  Crawling out of bed, I straightened my PJ tank top straps and made my way downstairs. I pulled my hair back in a sloppy bun as I went and hoped whatever misguided sales guy awaited me would be easily deterred by my less-than-attractive a.m. appearance.

  Every one of my senses jolted at finding Luke standing there, iced tea in hand. I did what any reasonable seventeen-year-old girl would do. I slammed the door in his face.

  I propped my back against it. A little voice that sounded suspiciously like Rachel’s sprinted through my head, pounding on every brain-to-heart connector I had. The voice shouted the world’s lamest pep talk. Chris is a user. Luke is perfect. Go with the good guy.

  To which I responded to my imaginary pep-coach: Be rational. Chris is just confused like every other teen male in existence and Luke is not perfect. He’s stubborn and pushy and just a tad bit judgmental.

  And yeah, perfect.

  Whoa. Okay, maybe Rational Me wasn’t so rational either.

  Who knew boys could turn your brain off and cause sleepless nights without even trying?

  A knock sounded through the heavy wood and I doubted he was going to go away.

  See? Stubborn.

  “Hi,” I said, pulling my hair out of its bun and trying to look cute as he eyed my Hello Kitty pajama bottoms.

  “Can I come in?” He held out one of the teas and waited, hand braced against the edge of the open door.

  “Actually, I was just going to go for a run and then you know… lots to do. Busy, busy.”

  His eyebrows disappeared under the flop of dark hair before he tried a different tactic. “Okay. Can we talk for a second?”

  “Sure.” I leaned against the frame. “Go ahead.”

  He scowled down at his tea and then drew in a deep breath.

  “It isn’t what you think with Katie. She drove six hours to get here and I really don’t get why she did it and I tried to be honest with her and you were taking off with Chris and I couldn’t think straight because I was worried about what crap he was pulling on you and—I mean really—what type of girl drives six hours to see a guy who broke up with her?”

  He sucked in a deep breath. I felt my shoulders drop as I shook my head.

  “The type that doesn’t realize you broke up with her, Luke.” I felt stuck. I was saying no to both guys as I was trying to figure out if I should say yes to either. I may have entered the land of Deny, Deny, Deny. “You know, Chris might not be perfect, but he’s working on it and—”

  “You’re comparing me to him?” The shocked disgust in his voice said it all.

  I stood there in my doorway, knowing that one guy might not be good for me, but that this guy—the one with the girlfriend at his parents’ house right now, the one who could wrap my heart in a tight knot—could be very, very bad.

  “I’m just saying—” I started before he could cut me off.

  “What? What are you just saying, Amy?”

  “I’m saying that if you’re my friend, you’ll not judge me for the guy I like.”

  It wasn’t a lie. I may not have shared the recent earth-halting shift in which guy that might be, so sue me. Self-preservation by omission. I needed a little time to get clear on that point for myself first.

  Luke’s hand dropped away from the door and he stepped back. “I see.”

  I’m glad he did, because that made one of us. Part of me—a small amoeba-sized piece—still held onto the dream of Chris I’d had for years. In my head I heard his voice as he apologized the night before and knew I had to see if the summer-him was coming back. Which guy he really was.

  Oh, and yeah. Katie.

  One guy had broken up with his girlfriend and one had just gotten his back. Which guy was safer?

  No. Really. Which one was safer? The back of my mind ground to a halt as I tried to figure out the answer to my own Dear Abby moment.

  “Okay, then. I have to head back. Katie’s parents are coming to get her tomorrow. So, you know, manners and all. No keeping a guest waiting.” He pivoted toward his truck and shouted over his shoulder, “See you at the scrimmage Monday.”

  Chapter 16

  I stood in the front hall, listening to the quiet. Listening to another guy leave. Was it too much to want people to stay? I thought of my heart jumping that moment before I’d opened the door—the moment I’d hoped it was my dad.

  But, of course, it wasn’t him. I’d been losing my dad since the day we lost my mom.

  They say there is nothing quieter than death. That day, after the funeral, our house had sunk into silence.

  # # #

  I’d eased myself down the stairs, looking for my dad. He’d been so quiet since Mom died. Like part of him wanted to go with her. I knew just how he felt, but I needed him—all of him—with me.

  I peeked around the corner into the living room. My dad sat in the overstuffed chair by the fire. Mom’s chair. She’d taught me to read in that chair. Knit my scarves and mittens. Held me and told me stories.

  “Dad?”

  He didn’t look up, just stared into the fire burning really low in the grate.

  “Dad?”

  “Not now.”

  I stepped back, surprised by the bite in his voice. I waited for him to call me in, to pull me close. To remember we only had each other now.

  I took one step, maybe two little ones, into the room. “Dad?”

  He looked like he didn’t want to answer me. Like if he ignored me I might not be there.

  “Can I come in and sit with you?”

  “Damn it, Amy. Can’t I get a moment to myself?”

  I could feel my chin quivering, my hands—my whole body—shaking. He couldn’t mean that.

  “I just thought—”

  “Can we do this later?”

  Maybe he was tired too. Tired of the people who kept telling us how sorry they were. Maybe he just needed a night with the quiet.

  But I couldn’t take the quiet any more. Even if I could’ve gotten a hug before bed, that would have been enough. I took one more step into the living room.

  “Did you hear me? Get out.”

  I did. I ran. I ran to my room and shut the door and stayed there waiting for him to come in and call me Amy-girl and pull me into his arms and tell me he was sorry and tell me everything would be okay one day because we still had each other.

  I’d waited a long time. And then I’d fallen asleep.

  Chapter 17

  “You’ve reached the middle of nowhere. Leave a message after the beep.”

  BEEP.

  “Where are you? I’m dying here.” I paced across the room, passing the front door I’d thrown shut behind Luke. “My life is falling apart. I have teen angst. Like the angsty kind that I don’t know what to do with, not the real bad life kind that is easily compartmentalized and stored away for therapy later. And I have these boys and—Wait, someone’s knocking on my door.”

  I threw it open, afraid it would be Luke again. Afraid it would be Chris. Afraid it would be just about anyone I know.

  “Oh my gosh! You’re at my door!” I hung the phone up with a click and threw my arms around Rachel.

  I have never been so happy to see anyone in my life. My arms wrapped around Rachel and I shouted into her shoulder, “Where have you been?”

  She patted me on the back, a little awkwardly I must say for a best friend who had been gone for so long. “When did you become a hugger?”

  I thought about it and realized that ever since that warm-mom-hug, I’d been craving them like a slight decline on a long run.

  “Luke’s mom hugs.”

  “Sweet.” Rachel carried the newspaper into the house and dropped it on the front table. “Who’s Luke?”

  I had to focus on the physical movements involved in lifting my jaw back into place.

  “Luke, the guy with the truck and the fight with Chris and the kissing and my hands.” I lifted my palms to show her the bandages. “And his girlfriend Katie. And then there’s Cheryl but not anymore and seriously, don’t you listen to your voicemail?”

  “Oh.” She waved a hand dismissively. “One of the kids dropped it in the lake last week. I figured I could get a new one when I got home today.”

  I tried to catch my breath. Everything had been so insane and I’d been waiting for Rachel to come home and be the one to make it all better. After all the craziness, she hadn’t even gotten my messages?

  “Is Luke the guy in the old truck?”

  “Yes! Wait, how did you know?”

  “Because he was pulling out of your lane and he looked really ticked off. I figured only you could find the new hot guy at school and alienate him that quickly.”

  I dropped down onto the stairs and slumped forward, bracing my elbows on my knees.

  “It’s a mess. I have no idea what I’m doing and I just keep making everything worse.”

  Rachel lowered herself to the step beside me.

  “Why don’t you shower and get dressed. I’ll hang out while you get presentable. Then we’ll go to Jovi’s and grab a slice. I will listen patiently. You will explain how you created chaos in this small community of ours. And then I will sit back and enjoy the moment you produced more drama than I could have ever dreamed up, let alone instigated.”

  I nodded, annoyed and relieved at the same time, and headed upstairs. Halfway up I turned to scowl at her laughter. “Laugh all you want now. Once you hear everything, you’re going to be tempted to have me put away.”

  Chapter 18

  Jovi’s Pizza wasn’t the cool place to hang out if you were in high school—it wasn’t even the cool place to hang out if you were in junior high—but that was what made it so great. We knew we’d never have to deal with the people we saw enough of every day in school.

  And it was exactly the place to spill your guts to the only person who would listen to the whole thing without stopping you or throwing in anything that sounded vaguely like an I-told-you-so.

  It was a haven, a confessional… a reason to put off telling Rachel the mess I’d made for another four blocks.

  Finally, two stoplights before we hit downtown, she turned the radio off.

  “Alright. Before you tear apart the last shred of my upholstery with your fidgeting, spill.”

  I started the story, hitting the highlights: Luke and Chris’s clash over the spot on the team, Chris and Cheryl, their breakup, Chris’s really sincere sounding apology, Luke’s girlfriend, all the arguments and accusations.

  I’m a summary complainer. Hit the high points and then fill in the entire story once the audience is settled in for the long haul.

  “Amy, I don’t want to add to your day, but it sounds like…” She glanced at me as she searched for a spot off the town square. “What did you call him? Overbearing-know-it-all-stubborn-new-guy might have a point or two.”

  Traitor.

  “Now don’t give me that look,” she continued. “I know Chris has been the love of your life since fifth grade. But it took being his work-shadow all summer for him to notice you. Whoever said there’s no such thing as unconditional love has not watched you walk around polishing his ego and doing whatever he asks.”

  “So, you’re saying he’s using me? That I’m like the sidekick version of what a girlfriend should be?”

  Rachel pulled the car into a spot at the end of the row. Turning off the ignition, she eased back against the faded grey seat of the three-times-hand-me-down car and looked my way. I could almost see the scales she was mentally weighing before she spoke.

  “I think he wants the best of both worlds and, because you’re so crazy about him, he knows he can have it all.” She stalled by fiddling with her seat belt and stowing her keys. “When was the last time you really hung out with him?”