“I know,” she said, her throat tight as she tried to speak around the emotions constantly trying to strangle her like a fist wrapped around her neck, squeezing tighter and tighter every minute.

  “Do you?” he challenged. So often in the past when he’d dealt with her tempestuous emotions, his voice was gentle. Now, it was not. His tone was hard and full of the anger of a wolf who couldn’t help his mate. “Do you honestly know how bad it has gotten? Do you know that everyone who loves you is worried about you? Do you know that I am?” His voice broke, and his breathing was ragged, but she didn’t turn to face him. “Do you know that I am trying to take as much of your pain as I can, but even with my help, you just keep sinking deeper. I need—”

  “This isn’t about you!” Peri snapped and whipped around and glared at her mate. Her hands were trembling at her sides, and she could see the slight glow coming from her body. “This isn’t about everyone else and their worries. This isn’t about how none of you can help me!” Her chest rose and fell as the feelings that boiled like lava threatened to erupt from her.

  “You’re right,” he growled back. “It’s about you. It’s about making you see that you need help. We haven’t even gotten to the part where we figure out how. Dammit! You are not all powerful. Like the rest of us, Perizada, you hurt. You suffer injuries, both physical and emotional. Your thick skin covers the muscle, tendons, and bone beneath it, but it does not protect your soul, your spirit, or the essence that makes you Perizada. Those parts of you are much more susceptible to damage, and they cannot be wrapped in bandages or set to heal like a broken bone. They take more care to nurture back to health. But like a broken bone that is ignored and heals wrong, if you don’t deal with what is going on inside of you, the healing that needs to happen could be twisted, or it may not happen at all. ”

  Peri couldn't decide what was better: feeling rage because it meant she felt something or being completely empty because then she didn't have to endure the pain. When she was empty, she could go through the motions of living, mechanically doing what she needed to do.

  But hearing her mate snarl at her filled the emptiness. Sure, it didn’t imbue the emptiness with anything healthy, but it did cause a reaction. Lucian’s words began to fuel the rage that had been simmering deep down inside of her, below the grief, below the despair. And if he kept breathing his wolfy breath on it, he was going to work the embers into a full-blown inferno. A wicked part of her liked the idea. She was in the mood to burn something or someone. Maybe several things and people all at once.

  “You’ve been trying to deal with this on your own, female, and you cannot. You are not infallible,” Lucian’s voice cracked like a whip. “You are a force to be reckoned with, but you are not an all-powerful god. You are a created being with emotions and flaws. Your body can endure much, but perhaps you have not realized that your mind, ageless as it may be, can still be damaged, can still be affected by pain to the extent that you cannot be restored on your own.”

  Peri raised her chin and pulled her shoulders back. “And if I don’t want to heal or be restored, as you so eloquently put it?” She knew her eyes were like daggers as she held her mate in her penetrating gaze. There was a voice at the back of her mind trying to remind her that he wasn’t the enemy. The male standing in front of her loved her, chose to love her in all of her ugly glory. But the voice was silenced by her anger and desolation. “What if this is just what’s left, Lucian? I’ve never had anyone in my life like Alina and Vasile, and even then it took centuries for our relationship to grow into what it became. They were my family. I trusted them explicitly. I loved them. I cherished them. Do you know how hard it is for one of my race to feel that profoundly?”

  He snorted and the sound was full of frustration. “Oh, believe me, mate,” he bit out, “I know how hard it is for you to feel for others.”

  His words struck deep and quick, like a knife that had been thrust faster than the eye could track. Peri found herself taking an involuntary step backward.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” She crossed her arms in front of her, a sudden vulnerability washing over her. It wasn’t a sensation with which the fae was familiar, and she didn’t like it one bit.

  “You have full access to my mind and emotions, Perizada. You know what it means. I don’t hide anything from you.”

  It was true, but she still had a hard time taking advantage of that access, even though he continually assured her it was her right as his true mate. Exploring Lucian’s emotions felt intrusive, but that wasn’t what caused her to hesitate. Peri knew that if she took advantage of the open bond to peer into Lucian’s mind, then she would have to offer him the same access. Peri didn’t know if she could let someone in that deep. Such a thing would have been difficult before Vasile and Alina’s death. Now, it was impossible.

  “You would give up the rights you have as a mate because of your fear,” Lucian challenged.

  Apparently, her strong emotions were finding cracks in the bond, even though she was trying to keep it locked down tight.

  Lucian’s wolf rumbled through his voice as he continued speaking. “You think you have some say in who dies and their appointed time. You don’t. Your need to control every facet of your existence is affecting others, Peri. Me, most of all. You are denying me the joy and fulfillment of having a true mate in the complete sense of the word.”

  “I brought Jen back.” She stood straighter and glowered at him.

  “Do you think you have any power the Great Luna doesn’t allow you to have? Do you honestly think the great Perizada of the fae does it all ON HER OWN?” Lucian shook with rage. The bond hummed with electricity. It danced in her veins and made her want to claw at her skin. He took a steadying breath before continuing. “I love you, Peri, but I will not sit back and watch you self-destruct. I will not enable your delusional thoughts. You think you can withhold your complete submission to me because you don’t want to risk pain. That is not your right. That is a coward's way out, and I have never taken you for a coward, Perizada.”

  She dropped her folded arms and forced her hands behind her so she didn’t accidently attack her mate in a fit of rage. Peri took several steps away from Lucian. She needed space. If he came any closer, she might claw his eyes out like a deranged she-wolf with rabies. “Complete submission?” She practically hissed. The words felt like acid in her throat. “Is that what you think I should give you? What I owe you?” She knew what Lucian had meant, but her fury wouldn’t let her think rationally. The word submission in that moment meant that he wanted her to roll over and lay belly up. She was a broken mess, and he wanted an instant fix. “I will submit to no one. Not even a true mate.” The air between them was so charged with emotion she thought it might spontaneously combust.

  Had she really thought this could work? Peri wondered. Lucian was a Canis lupus. He had certain expectations of what he wanted in a relationship. She was a fae and had never contemplated even being in such a relationship. Did she even want to be in a relationship that required her to give so much of herself? Four months ago, she would have said yes without hesitation ... but a lot had changed since then.

  Lucian knew his eyes glowed with his wolf as he stared at the woman who held the other half of his soul, the woman the Great Luna had created just for him. Her words from a few days before, which now felt like months ago, rang through his mind. ‘You realize there is nothing you could ask of me that I would ever deny you, right?’ Apparently her words had been just that—words. Rage, the likes of which he’d never before experienced, built inside him. Keeping his jaw clenched so he wouldn’t say something he couldn’t take back took all his strength. But just below that rage was the sheer agony of his mate’s thoughts. He could feel her confusion, her need to get away from him, to be free of what she was beginning to see as an obligation and not a gift. And those feelings gutted him. Even being isolated in the Dark Forest for centuries hadn’t left him feeling so utterly alone. “I am asking nothing more than what I am willing to give to you.” His voice was soft and controlled. Inside, he was anything but. “As your true mate, I have given you everything I am. I have held nothing back. I have submitted to your needs and wants while you’ve struggled so hard to come to terms with our relationship. You’ve spent an eternity without having to answer to anyone.” He raised his hand to stop her when she started to respond to that comment. “You know I don’t mean answer to me in a way that makes me the lord over you. It’s a sign of respect. I answer to you because I am yours. I don't run off without telling you where I’m going or what I’m doing. I do this because I respect you and I wouldn’t want you to worry about me.

  “I have set aside my nature to lead,” he continued, “to protect, and to possess my mate because it’s what you have needed. I have asked little of you. I have demanded almost nothing, other than your heart just as I have given you mine completely.” Lucian swallowed thickly, preparing to draw the line in the sand, though he had no idea how his mate, the centuries-old fae, would respond. He was at a loss as to what else to do. Maybe he should wait until his emotions weren’t so volatile, until his wolf wasn’t prepared to disembowel anything that got too close to him. But he couldn’t. For once, he simply said what he needed to say. It was past time. The only way their relationship would work was if they were both willing to work for it, to fight for it. It would take both of them to hold it together. “This, this I am demanding, Perizada. You need help. I don’t know what that looks like. I don't know if that means you talk to someone that understands grief and how the mind processes it. Or that you seek out the Great Luna, or that you take medicine the way humans do when they have depression—”

  Peri’s head snapped back as if he’d slapped her. “Depression? Medicine? Do you hear yourself right now?” Her voice rose with indignation, but Lucian was prepared for her response. Well, mostly prepared. Peri’s body glowed, but not with the white light with which he was familiar. Instead, she smoldered with a red aura, as if her skin was on fire, as if her blood was illuminating her from the inside. “I am not human! I do not suffer their afflictions. I am a high fae. I do not need to speak to anyone. And the Great Luna has already spoken her peace on the matter. It was Vasile and Alina’s time to go. End of story.” She swiped her hand sharply through the air as if wiping the alpha pair out of existence and somehow settling the matter in one gesture.

  He shook his head at her. Lucian hadn’t expected any other reaction, still, he was disappointed. “You sound like you think humans are beneath you because they suffer from such afflictions, because they sometimes need a helping hand. Is that what you think, Peri? That if you admit you need help then you are no better than a measly human?”

  “That’s not what I said!” She screeched at him, and spittle flew from her mouth. This was a side of his mate he’d never seen. Even in the clearing when she’d held Alina’s broken form, she’d still appeared rational. Now, he wasn’t sure what she was.

  Lucian narrowed his eyes on her. “Are you sure?” he asked, still doing everything in his power to keep his voice calm. “Because I hear nothing but disdain in your voice. And I merely suggested you might be like them in some small way.” He took a step away from her and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. The distance between them was less than twenty feet, but it felt as if she was on the other side of the world.

  “The Order thinks they’re better than humans.” Peri growled. “Are you saying I’m like them?”

  He shrugged. “If it walks like a duck.” He knew saying the words would be like throwing gasoline on a fire. But Lucian needed his mate to wake up and see herself clearly. He needed her to understand what she’d become over the past months, and he had no idea how else to make that happen.

  “You cannot make it happen.” The Great Luna’s voice filled his mind even as her peace filled his soul. “You are her mate, the other half of her soul, but she is still her own person, with her own mind. Perizada has to want to get help. She has to want to change. It is not your job to change her. It is your job to love her.”

  “I do,” he said, “I love all of her. But it doesn’t seem that my love is enough.”

  “But mine is,” the goddess assured him. “I will be here waiting for her to turn to me. My patience is without end. I am here for you as well, warrior. I did not make a mistake when I chose you for one another. Relationships are not easy. Perizada has never truly been tested in such a way. This will not be easy for her, and it will get worse before it gets better. She will need your love, but remember, sometimes love must be tough. It means setting boundaries that hurt but are necessary for restoration and healing to happen. You will have to be the one to set those boundaries. You will not break, even though it will feel like you are.”

  Lucian felt the warmth of his Creator slowly fade away. She was right. He felt like he was about to break into pieces. Peri stared at him as if he was a stranger, and that stare was causing cracks to form in his usually ironclad resolve. She was pushing him away. And each mental shove she gave him caused the cracks to spiderweb throughout his whole being. Her magic swirled around her, the red glow intensifying. The bond between them, the rope that seemed to connect him to her grew, taut.

  He gasped when every muscle in his body seemed to contract at once. Lucian tried to cry out but couldn’t find his breath. It was indescribable, though Lucian likened the feeling to his soul being slowly ripped from his body. “Mate,” he gasped. It wasn’t the voice of the man, but the wolf, who’d had to shoulder the human aside just to remain conscious. “What are you doing?” Elongated teeth snapped together when another wave of pain washed over him. Lucian fought hard to suck in a small, ragged breath. His legs trembled, struggling to hold his weight. He had to press his hands to the wall to hold himself up. “What are you doing!” his wolf snarled, the sound vicious and desperate even to his own ears.

  “I’m attempting to undo what I should have never let happen in the first place,” Peri’s voice was flat with no trace of emotion.

  Lucian’s stomach rolled. “You can’t break the true mate bond,” he ground out through gritted teeth.

  Her eyes had thinned to slits. “Are you sure about that?”

  He was. Wasn’t he? Dammit! He couldn't think clearly. Lucian’s mind was filled with the fog of pain, fear, and desperation. She was trying to leave him. His true mate, his one and only, was rejecting him. Part of him thought he shouldn’t be surprised. What was he compared to her? She was a high fae—powerful, beautiful, and capable of taking care of herself. What did she need with a mate? “She needs us,” his wolf growled at the man. “The Great Luna would not have given her to us if she didn’t. And we need her, too.”

  Peri’s chin lifted as her lips drew tight across her face. “Maybe the Great Luna doesn’t make mistakes, but we do.” The red glow around Peri turned a bluish-white, reminding Lucian of steely ice. And that’s what she looked like. The fae’s clothes went from the black fighting uniform she’d been wearing to a white gown, trimmed in blue and covered in diamonds that sparkled like snow in the bright sun. “She gives us a choice, free will and all that. I chose wrong. One such as me—old, powerful and slightly unstable—should never be given anyone to love. The danger that lies in wait should I lose that love is too great a risk. I tried to be what you needed me to be, Lucian. But it was too hard. If we are soul mates, then it shouldn’t be so hard. There should be something inside of us that fits, something that isn’t a constant battle. But that’s all we are: two strong wills constantly clashing. What is that?”

  “It’s called a relationship,” Lucian said through the agony. “And it’s not supposed to be easy. You’ve lived long enough to know that. You’re simply making excuses because you’re scared. You’re terrified of losing more people you love. What are you going to do, Peri? Are you going to sever all your ties? Are you going to cut out Jacque, Jen, Sally, Cyn, Elle, Nissa, Adam?” Lucian watched as every name made his mate wince. “I can keep going. At what point will it be enough? Until you’re alone with no one to stand beside you?”

  “I don’t need anyone to stand beside me,” she said coolly. “I’ve stood on my own for centuries upon centuries. I have survived on my own, and I will continue to do so.”

  Lucian scoffed. “Survived? Is that all you want your life to be? Surviving? What kind of life is that?”

  Peri looked at him, and Lucian saw no warmth or emotion filling her eyes. “One where I don’t have to be responsible for every life that I come across. I will do my duty as the ambassador to the wolves. I will fight on the side of the goddess. But I will give no more than that, and I will ask for no more than that of my allies.”

  Lucian stared at the woman who had come to be his everything and realized he didn’t recognize her. The woman he loved was full of fire and passion. She was willing to fight for more than just survival. She loved deeply, fought without restraint, sacrificed without thought of herself, and maybe that was the problem. Maybe she’d given too much and there was just nothing left. The pain intensified tenfold, and Lucian dropped to his knees. He closed his eyes and sought out the bond that held them to one another, the tether that linked their souls. It was still there, but it looked like a rope that had frayed down to its very last thread. Lucian’s wolf lost it. He phased and lunged for their mate. His teeth sank into her calf, breaking her concentration. She yelped and stumbled. The pain in Lucian’s body eased momentarily. He was able to finally breathe, though it felt as if there was fabric over his face and he was attempting to suck air through it.

  Lucian didn’t want to leave her, but he couldn’t stand there and let her destroy them. He loved her, no matter what she thought she wanted. If it meant he had to leave her to keep their mate bond intact, then that was a boundary he was willing to set. Peri yanked her leg out of his jaws and struggled to her feet, facing him. The blood in Lucian’s mouth was no longer familiar. It wasn’t the sweet sensation rushing over his tongue that he remembered from the Blood Rites ceremony. Instead, it was a bitter, acrid taste he wanted to spit from his mouth.