“You’re far better at that than dancing. So, why don’t we just do this?” She stroked her hand down my shirt while she bit her lower lip and made me wonder just where the bathroom might be.

  Purely for curiosity’s sake.

  “Is that what you want?” I brushed her hair away from her eyes. “Did you grab dinner?”

  She frowned. “I don’t think this bra is living up to the advertising if you’d rather have a corn dog.”

  I laughed, spinning her out and back. “Oh, it’s living up to it. Just I don’t want you to be hungry.”

  “You and me both.”

  Deliberately misunderstanding her, I slid my arms around her waist and lined us up, lightly pulsing my hips into her as we moved to the music. “We could pick something up. Or I could have Ransom—” I stopped. “I could ask him to hang out with us here and maybe he’d bring food.”

  “Wow, this bra is going back. Now he’s calling for best friend reinforcements. Or bodyguard reinforcements. Either way, all bad.”

  Grinning, I dipped my forehead to hers. “Do you know how happy you make me?”

  She reacted as if I’d told her a venomous snake was about to take a bite out of her ankle. She jerked to a stop, stomping on my foot this time, and then nodded. “You know, yeah. Call Ransom. He can bring—something.”

  I shouldn’t have been amused. But I was dealing with so much shit myself that Rachel’s clear confusion on how to deal with anything more than getting horizontal—or vertical—made me a little less twisted about my own. “Is the something you want hot or cold?”

  “Hot. It’s subzero out. Though it’s probably mean to ask him to bring stuff when this is kind of a family and couple shindig. Not that I’m implying we are—” Rachel tipped back her head and took a deep breath. “I need a sandwich.”

  I laughed and looped my arm around her shoulders as I led her back toward the portable CocoaBus setup. “Maybe they can fix you up something here.”

  “What about you?”

  I spied a large pizza on a table near where her cousins were serving drinks. “Our prayers have been answered.” Not that there was a lot left.

  Rachel waved to her cousins and jogged over to fill her mouth with gooey cheese and pepperoni. I didn’t watch her eat with obvious relish instead of eating my own. That would make me a sap.

  Okay, fine. I’d take the title.

  “How are you doing?” she asked Justin between bites.

  “Terrible. Awful. We’re lost without you, Beans. Can you please end your date so you can take over?”

  She flipped him a discreet middle finger against her hip while I made quick work of my own slice of pizza. I had a feeling she’d be back working with them in no time, date or no date.

  The line hadn’t slowed all night, even as the concert continued. More people were now crowding the dance floor and the sounds of children’s laughter mixed with the low hum of conversation between enthusiastic applause at the end of each song.

  Simon’s daughter Raine was sitting on her mother’s lap in the front row, clapping every time her father did basically anything. She was his one-woman cheering section. Not that he hadn’t garnered plenty of attention otherwise as well, but there was something so charming about her little voice calling out to him every time he started to sing. And he’d stop to wave to her and she giggled, pressing her hands to her mouth.

  By contrast, Nick’s daughters didn’t seem to even notice he was onstage. I supposed that was a good sign that they weren’t overly influenced by fame. One of them was playing with their mother’s phone and the other one was sucking on the candy cane she hadn’t wanted.

  “Want more pizza?” Rachel bumped her hip into mine. “There’s a second pie under the table. Those jerks are hiding it.”

  “No, I’m good, thanks. Your cousins are pretty amazing.”

  “These clowns?” She nodded to Justin and crew.

  “I meant the singing variety, but them too. Your family is enormous. Add in the kids and your family tree is a whole apple orchard.”

  She smiled and played with what was left of her crust. “I distanced myself for a while. I’m not sure why.”

  “Because it’s easier.”

  She nodded. “Yeah. All those emotions crowding in. The demands. Not even bad ones. Just family stuff. Parties and dinners and time. Especially time. But I missed so much and not all of it I can get back. I’m just lucky they gave me another chance.”

  “That’s what family does.” I reached back for the last slice of pizza. “They forgive and they understand, even if it’s hard. Even if you mess up and take too long to make it right.”

  Rachel cocked her head. “Sounds like personal experience.”

  I chewed and swallowed to give myself another moment to answer. “My grandfather always had certain expectations. I never wanted to let him down.”

  “I’m sure you couldn’t.”

  “Oh, you’d be surprised.”

  This wasn’t the place to tell her. But I knew I had to—soon. I couldn’t keep running here when real life demands became too pressing to ignore. That wasn’t fair to her or me. I understood she probably still had some secrets even after what she’d revealed a few weeks ago during the customer appreciation day, but that wasn’t giving me an out. I’d already put this off too long. The first free moment I had, I was calling my grandfather to set up a meeting. He was incredibly busy this time of year, but this was important. It wouldn’t wait until the new year.

  And I needed to see Helena. I’d been unfair to her too, even as I told myself I was doing the best thing in this situation. That was bullshit. Rachel and Helena both deserved the full, unvarnished truth and then it was up to them what they decided to do with it. I didn’t want Helena with Pierce. I didn’t trust him with her. But that wasn’t my call to make. I needed to handle my business and let everyone else do the same.

  Including Rachel.

  There was a good chance she’d brand me a cheater and tell me to leave her the hell alone. She’d be entitled to do so. Just because I’d never intended to fall for her was no excuse for my behavior. I never should’ve gotten involved with her before I settled my affairs in the city. Even if being with her had ended up being the best part of my life.

  Now it was up to me to make things right. Whatever it took.

  “Why are you so quiet?” Rachel licked up a stray bit of sauce from the corner of her mouth. “Want to go sit on Santa’s lap?” She pointed to where the guys onstage had finally wound down and Santa’s chair was being hauled out for one last hurrah.

  “Unless you’re donning a beard and a red suit, no. Not sure you could take me anyway.”

  Rachel laughed, her gaze heating up. “Oh, I can take you any way you like, sir.”

  I cleared my throat and turned my attention to finishing my pizza. As much as I enjoyed the idea of Rachel…taking me, that was another part of this whole coming clean thing. I couldn’t go back and undo the past—and I wouldn’t even if I could when it came to naked times with Rachel—but I could make a more responsible choice now.

  Until she had the whole truth from me, I wasn’t going to bang her in any bathrooms or anywhere else. She deserved so much more from me. Our relationship warranted more than that. Nothing against bathroom sex—it definitely had its place—but she needed to know everything so she could make an informed choice.

  If that choice was to never see me again…well, then I’d just have to spend the rest of my life trying to change her mind. And I intended to play dirty if it came to that, because this woman was already my everything.

  Right down to the fact that when she caught me staring yet again, she narrowed her gorgeous blue eyes at me. “Look, pal, unless you’re escorting me to the ladies’ room sometime soon, stop making promises with your eyes that your loins aren’t delivering.”

  Laughing, I drew her against me and kissed her temple. “Just give me time.”

  Chapter 26

  Rachel

  Truth and Consequences

  Getting away from my family was never easy, especially when they were high on chocolate and good cheer—aka booze. Add in an endless sea of hugs and cheek kisses and it was worse than Christmas up in this joint.

  Then again, I wouldn’t see a lot of these people for the actual holiday, so this impromptu Santa deal was about as close as we were going to get.

  The problem was, I had other things in mind.

  For the last few weeks, Clay and I hadn’t had much time together that didn’t include trees, cocoa, or talking about trees and cocoa. I wanted to strip him down and show him I was more than a cocoa princess.

  Okay, I was enjoying the cocoa princess thing. The ideas were percolating for parties as well as festivals in the region. I kept waiting for the feeling of overwhelm to wash over me, but right now, I only had more ideas than I could corral.

  I kind of wanted to hold onto the glow—while being naked, of course.

  Except my partner in nakedness was acting very squirrelly.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive my truck back to your place?”

  “No, we can pick it up tomorrow. I just want to get out of here.”

  “Double time for me.” I lengthened my stride to match Mr. Tall, but I also had to contend with about six inches of snow that had accumulated during the show and my boots were more for form than function. I managed to get ahead of him, thankful for my tights against the wintry wind. I turned around, walking backwards as I looked up at him. “So, what’s up with you?”

  “What do you mean?” He slowed down as I slipped my hands inside his leather jacket to warm my hands as well as get said hands on his delicious body.

  “You’ve been weird since we were dancing. I know my family is a lot, but I thought you liked them.”

  “I do.” He laid his hands on my arms, rubbing them absently as he looked down at me. “I love your family.”

  “Good. They like you a lot too.”

  He frowned down at me and my stomach started to churn. We were moving into some dangerous territory here. Like boyfriend territory.

  I started to back away and he held me tighter. “I like everything about you and your family, Rachel.”

  The way he said my name made my nerves jangle.

  Not in the good way.

  “Okay.” I nibbled on my lower lip. “You’re not going to ask me to go steady, are you? Like I have to go meet your folks and here’s my…” I couldn’t even say it.

  His frown smoothed slightly. “And if I were?”

  “We aren’t doing the serious thing. I barely can run the CocoaBus without hyperventilating.”

  “That’s a lie and you know it.”

  I glanced around at the people who were still saying their goodbyes in the parking lot. The twins with their jackets flapping behind them as they ran with Beckett’s dog in the snow. Lila leaning against Nick while Margo did the same with Simon. Their little girl Raine was slightly more hesitant to go play, but I could see that she wanted to let loose.

  I knew how she felt.

  Clay took my hand and led me away from his truck to the shoveled path that circled around to the chapel. Two of his trees were decked out with simple warm, white lights glowing under layers of snow. Fat stars were secured to the tops, holding out against the winds that whipped through the orchard.

  The screeches and laughter faded to a distant hum. The wind was up and the skies were still pregnant with more snow to come.

  For now, it was quiet and peaceful.

  I wasn’t the kind of girl who looked for advice from the heavens, but I appreciated the space and the serenity that could be found out here. The chapel’s stained glass and lovingly restored wood just added to that, as did knowing that everything here had been rehabbed with love in mind. That made it a little more special.

  Clay drew me to the iron bench beside the tree. He brushed off the seat and I sat down hesitantly.

  “Why are we over here? Shouldn’t we be in the truck so we can get home—I mean, to your place—and we can pick up where we left off?”

  He turned to me, our knees touching. “I’ve been thinking about us.”

  I tried to twist my fingers free.

  “No. Hear me out.”

  Panic swirled in my gut, threatening to spread. “Why do you want to change this? We’re good.”

  “Are we?”

  “Yes.” We were the pretty little present under the tree. Gold and shimmery paper wrapped in a passionate red bow. It was perfect like it was—you didn’t need to open it and find out it was probably just a pair of ear warmers.

  Warm and pragmatic.

  Reality was very overrated.

  “I’m not good.”

  “Why?” I asked around the lump in my throat. I didn’t know what I was more worried about—that he wanted more, or that he wanted to end this.

  “I watched you come alive tonight. It’s been happening for weeks. I love your excitement and your passion for the tree farm, and how you made it so much better just by being you.”

  I tried to even my breathing, but my heart was raging in my chest.

  “I thought I could do this. That we could just be a seasonal thing. Each day, since I met you, I knew it was a lie.”

  I gripped his hands. “I told you it couldn’t be more.” Even as I said it, I knew I was lying too.

  “I go back to the city and all I can think about is getting back here.”

  I opened my mouth to reply, but he shook his head.

  “The worst part is I’m wrapped up in two lies. My life in the city and here at the Christmas Tree Farm.”

  I frowned. “Two lies?” My stomach pitched and the lights around him fuzzed at the edges.

  “The Christmas Tree Farm was always my hidden bit of solace. I’d come here, get my head straight, and go back to work.” He took a breath. “I love my job. I love my company.”

  Company?

  I knew he was more than merely comfortable financially. That mansion had dollar signs all over it, but I’d just ignored it. I hadn’t wanted to know anything more than our casual truths.

  “The problem is I love you too.”

  I stood up and backed away from him. “What?”

  “I like who I am with you. I love that you challenge me, fight with me, look at me like I’m a regular man.”

  “You love me?” I whispered the words. “That wasn’t the deal. I told you not to do that. Don’t fall in love with me. I specifically said that.” The cold air was as sharp as broken glass in my chest.

  He stood and crowded into me, not letting me escape. “I know.”

  I pushed away the love part. Nope. I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. Not right now. “What do you mean, a regular man? What are you, an alien?”

  He slipped his hand around my waist, holding me against him. “No.” His smile was weak at best, but those chocolate eyes were sad and determined at the same time. “Here, I get to just be Clay, the tree guy. In Manhattan, I’m Clay Winslow.”

  I blinked at him. “Winslow.” I said his name as if it actually made sense to me. A barrage of images lit up my brain. I’d worked with the moneyed Manhattan set for five years. Clay Winslow wasn’t just rich, he was a whole level above that.

  “Winslow Industries.”

  I pushed at his arm. “The tech company?” I stumbled back, slipping on a patch of drifting snow on the path. He tried to grab for me, but I slapped his hand away and laughed harshly. “You’re a tech guy. That’s what you told me. You own an actual pier in the city. A whole pier.” I knew I was shouting, but his freaking building had been on the cover of Architectural Digest because it was so huge and sprawling and innovative.

  I might’ve never done a party for his company, but he’d been on the guest list for nearly every one of them. He didn’t often attend, but when he did…

  It wasn’t alone. Something wanted to come forward, but my mind literally felt like it was on fire.

  “Rachel.”

  “Clay Winslow, billionaire? And you pretended to be a tree farmer?”

  “I didn’t pretend. I am. Sort of.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Jim is the real farmer, but I love the Christmas Tree Farm just as deeply. I needed to have a hand in growing something instead of just putting together code and dealing with security and handling meetings. Before this, I’ve never been part of something this tangible and real.”

  His words made sense as much as I wanted to ignore them. He was so much more than this town. This man wasn’t an upstate weekender. No, he was never as simple as that. “So, you slum it in Turnbull? You like to hang out in our quaint small town with the quaint CocoaBus girl on the weekends before you go back to your glitzy life?”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “Oh, it’s not?” I stalked to him and pushed at his chest. “You come here and make me—”

  “Make you what?” Fire finally lit in his eyes.

  “I...”

  He’s right.

  No.

  He’s been more since the very first night.

  No.

  “I didn’t make you anything. You climbed in my bed, slid into my life, and made yourself indispensable.”

  “I did not.” My voice was scarcely more than a whisper.

  “You remade my entire operation.”

  I opened my mouth to refute it, but it was true. I’d taken the opening and blasted through it, making the Christmas Tree Farm mine as much as it was his. I’d even built another company in the center of it.

  He came closer, cupping my face. “You are everywhere here. My house, my farm, my bed. When I’m in the city, I reach for you in the night.”

  I shook my head.

  “If I walked away right now, would that make you happy?”

  Yes was on the tip of my tongue.

  I wanted to scream it in his face. I wanted to make it true.

  He pressed his forehead to mine. “I love you.”

  My hands came up to grasp his wrists. “You can’t.”

  “I can. For the first time, I have no doubt.”

  I frowned. “I don’t know what that means.”