“You won’t get it from me! Just get out of here! The moment you became more Lexy than my Ana was the moment I ceased having anything to say to you. Get out!”

  “I just wanted to say that I was sorry! Dammit, why can’t you just let me say I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that, you or my mom. I loved him, and you kept me prisoner in this house… I was desperate…I’m so sorry.”

  She just stared at me.

  “Don’t…don’t you have anything to say to me? I’m leaving and I can’t guarantee that what I’m planning will work. I-I could die… Please just say something…”

  I reached into her mind; I had to know what she was thinking right now. I could feel it, the part of her that so desperately wanted to forgive me. But there was just so much built up anger and resentment blocking her impulse to forgive. She clung to it desperately, it was familiar. Forgiving me was the unknown.

  “I’m still the girl that hugged you right there at that desk when we wondered whether or not my mother was alive. The same girl that you sat with when I had nightmares—you told me that you would do anything in your power to protect me, that I was your number one priority…”

  There was still no response on her part. She just stared at the table in front of her. There was nothing more I could think to say that might break through the anger she felt toward Lexy's failed attempt to become a vampire.

  I turned and stepped out into the hall, my heart in pieces. It was time to leave.

  **********

  “Ana, for goodness sakes, tell me what’s wrong.”

  Nerves had caused me to break my own rule. I’d already connected with Darren’s mind, without his permission, so I already knew how he’d take this news. After the disaster with my grandmother, I wasn’t up for another argument. I didn’t have the strength for it.

  Darren pulled the truck off the highway. It was the second time that’d happened to me in as many days. “Either tell me what’s wrong or we’ll sit right here until you do.”

  I sighed. “I’m leaving. As soon as you drop me off, Taylor’s giving me a ride to the train station.

  “What? Are you being serious?”

  I nodded. “I wasn’t lying about what I saw. Darren, we lose. I can’t let that happen. If I run, then maybe they’ll chase me instead of tearing through Brighton to get to me.”

  “And if they don’t chase you, then what?”

  “I don’t—I don’t know.”

  Darren shook his head. “I can’t believe you are seriously thinking about running. The reason everyone thinks we’re gonna win is because you said we would.”

  “I didn’t say anything,” I shot back. “Duncan did. Darren if we try to fight them off, we’re going to fail. How many ways do I have to say it?”

  Shock had settled into Darren’s features. He was staring at me in disbelief, like he was waiting for me to say that this had all been some twisted joke. If only it had.

  “Come with me,” I asked him. “You’ve been assigned to my security detail. You’d just be following orders. Please.”

  Darren shook his head. “There’s no way I could leave the other guardians. They’re depending on me. When those vampires attacked before, I was the only one who wasn’t out there protecting the haven. I can’t let them down again.”

  I took his hand into mine. “I need you to be safe Darren. I love you.”

  “Then don’t leave. I don’t know what kinda vision you saw, but we can win. We have to. We’ve even got help from the vampire hunters. You and Aspen, too… Help us win, Ana. Stay.”

  If it were that simple…if it was just a question of maybe, then of course I’d stay by Darren’s side. Nothing would make me leave him. “I can’t, Darren.”

  Darren shook his head angrily. “If you’re planning to run out on us then just go, but I’m not coming with you. I couldn’t possibly do that to the people I care about. Maybe you aren’t the girl I thought you were. Maybe…you never were.”

  He might as well have stabbed me in the chest. I had to get out of that truck. So I did. I needed some air. Why could no one understand that I was doing everything in my power to keep them alive?

  “Ana,” Darren called. “I didn’t mean that. Come back.”

  I wasn’t listening. I’d started down into the bushes. I needed a moment to myself. Between my mother’s farewell, and my grandmother and Darren’s angry words, my heart had taken a pounding this morning. Add that to the guilt that was always nibbling away at it, and I was practically halfway back to another breakdown.

  I found a thick tree to lean my weight against, and let myself catch a breath. “Could I really pull this off?” I had to. I didn’t have a choice. I was going to have to suck it up and keep going. Even if no one understood or agreed with my decision, in my heart I knew it was the right move. As far as support goes, that would have to suffice.

  It would take another five minutes of self pep talks before I climbed the slope back up to Darren’s truck. He seemed conflicted as to whether or not he should be consoling me since I was obviously upset, or whether he should continue to scold me about my decision to leave. In the end, he settled for not saying anything. And that was fine with me.

  I instructed him not to pull up to the front of the school as we usually did; instead, I wanted him to pull around back to the student parking lot. Darren’s jaw tensed as Taylor’s Jeep came into view. He stopped the car in the space next to her truck and took a hold of my hand. Worry stained his eyes.

  “Ana, think about what this will do to the people back at Wintre. They believe in you. They’re counting on you being there to see us through this.”

  “Me staying here will only result in their deaths,” I replied. Honestly, I was getting tired of repeating myself. “You have to trust me on this, please.”

  “Show me,” he said next. “I want to see it. Show me what could make you desert us—desert me.”

  I shook my head. “Darren that is something you don’t want to see. It will haunt you.”

  He took my hand. “Make me understand, Ana. If you love me, show me what could make you leave.”

  I closed my eyes and pulled forth the images: the field of dead guardians, the blood stained hallways lined with the bodies of women and children, the Council Room where our grandparents lay still with panicked eyes, his own body next to my mother’s, lifeless….

  When my eyes opened, Darren’s face had lost its color. I would have given anything to see that handsome smile one more time before I left, but there was only the shock of having seen too much.

  I leaned over and whispered in his ear. “If it costs me my life, I will prevent that fate. I love you, Darren. If this is goodbye, always remember that.”

  I kissed his cheek and stepped out of the truck without looking back. Again, my heart was aching, but at least he knew why I was leaving. He’d always understand now.

  I ran around to the passenger side of Taylor’s Jeep and got in. Taylor’s head was turned toward Darren’s BMW. Through the window, I could see that his face was buried inside his hands. It was too much.

  “Taylor let’s go.”

  “But Darren—“

  “Let’s go!” I shouted.

  Taylor’s head whipped around and she looked me over.

  “I’m sorry. Please, let’s just go. Okay?”

  Taylor nodded and she turned the key, the Jeep roaring to life around us. She backed up the truck and started back toward the main road.

  “You gonna tell me what’s going on now?” She sounded more worried than annoyed.

  “I’ll tell you when we get to the train station.”

  Taylor didn’t question me again after that, and I was grateful for the silence. Like always, she’d been willing to drop her plans at a moment’s notice in order to help a friend. All it had taken was a thirty second phone call. I wished that I could say that I was equally as good of a friend to her, but to tell the truth, the scale was almost completely tilted in her favor.

  It only took about fifteen minutes before we were pulling into the train station parking lot. As soon as she found an empty space, she turned off the truck and looked at me expectantly.

  “Okay, remember what I said yesterday?” I asked. “About leaving if I said to?”

  Taylor’s face grew more concerned now, and she began to nod slowly.

  “Well, after you leave here, I want you to go straight home and convince your mom and dad to skip town, no matter what you have to do. Okay?”

  “I…Is this about the vampires?”

  “Yeah, and if what I’m trying to do doesn’t work, Brighton’s gonna be in a lot of trouble. Which is why I need for you to promise me you’ll be long gone by the time tomorrow rolls around.”

  “But—“

  “No buts. Promise me.”

  “Ana…”

  “Promise me, Taylor.”

  “Okay, I promise. I just don’t understand. Yesterday—“

  “Never mind yesterday. Just do what I’m saying…. And know that you’ve been the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean that. You’re kind and you always put other people first, no matter what. You’re everything I wish I could be. Seriously.”

  Taylor’s lips formed a smile, but her eyes showed she was plenty worried about me. “You’re not saying goodbye, are you? Cause that’s what this sounds like.”

  “Don’t worry about me, just—“

  “I know, I know, just get my family out of town. You’re still not telling me anything. I know that you really are what everybody’s saying you are. I saw you heal Darren when he flipped his car into the woods. I saw your wings. Just tell me that you’re on some special mission from heaven or something, that you’re perfectly capable of doing whatever it is you’re about to do. I don’t want to hear anything that sounds like a goodbye, got that?”

  I nodded. “I’m perfectly capable of doing this.”

  Taylor’s worry eased only slightly. She was aware that I was only telling her what she wanted to hear. Heaven gave up on me days ago.

  “Just be careful, okay.”

  I nodded. “I will.”

  I leaned over and wrapped her up in hug. Her arms were shaking. Even if she didn’t know what I was planning exactly, she knew that it was especially dangerous outside the havens. Now more than ever. And that was obviously where I was headed.

  “I almost forgot. I have a letter.” I reached into my book bag and pulled out the folded piece of paper I’d written on after speaking with my grandmother. “But the only way you can read it is if you don’t hear from me in the next three or four days.

  Taylor’s hand was shaking as she took the folded sheet of paper. “Ana, you’re not planning on dying on me are you?”

  “No, but…”

  “Okay, don’t say anything else. Just make sure I don’t have to read this letter.”

  I hopped out the Jeep and started for the brick building that loomed in the distance. The reality of what I was doing hit me as I made the walk, and goose bumps were sprouting up on my arms. Doubt was sprouting up too. This plan had yet to feel as impossible as it did right now.

  I took a deep breath once I’d reached the inside of the building. Looking back through the glass doors I could see Taylor’s Jeep begin to navigate its way back to the main road.

  I took another deep breath. I was on my own now.

  Chapter Nine

  Memories

  I didn’t anticipate the ticket costing quite so much. Somehow, I’d gotten the idea in my head that riding the train was the same as riding the bus, cost wise. Looking back at it, I probably could have ridden cross country for five hundred bucks this train ride to upstate New York had cost. I mean, it was one state over for goodness sakes.

  That said, I doubted that riding on the interstate would have provided as emotionally soothing a view as the Northeastern countryside speeding past my window. Snow had yet to touch the fields and trees so autumn’s yellows, reds, and oranges all sparkled in the morning light. Large farms rolled into view, followed by neighborhoods of closely packed houses. A bright yellow school bus pulling onto a dirt road had caught my eye when a boy slipped into the seat next to me.

  “Traveling alone?” he asked.

  I didn’t mean to laugh, but I’d never heard an English accent in person before. Well, that and the déjà vu this moment had conjured up. “I suppose your name is Peter Pan?” I asked him.

  The boy, tall, brown haired and hazel eyed, looked confused. He was fairly handsome in his own way.

  “It’s an inside joke,” I whispered.

  “Oh, right,” he said flushing red. “Can I be honest with you?

  “Sure,” I replied.

  “I’ve never tried to hit on an American girl before. My mates put me up to it. We made a bit of a wager as to whether or not I could get your telephone number. I’ve had a rather bad streak of it lately. It’s becoming rather legendary among my friends.”

  I smiled, and shook my head. “Believe me, you don’t want any part of my weird and crowded love life.”

  “I see,” he said, nodding his head in defeat. “Please, pardon my intrusion.”

  He stood up to leave, and I reached for his hand.

  I stood up next and placed a kiss on his left cheek. From the hoots and hollers coming from the boys three seats down, I could tell that it’d had the desired effect. My would-be suitor flushed an even deeper shade of crimson.

  “Thank you so much,” he whispered.

  I nodded and he proceeded to thrust his hands in the air in a show of victory. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  He returned to a hero’s welcome and I sat back down in my chair. A warm happy feeling washed over me and I closed my eyes to take advantage of the memory that he’d just brought to my mind.

  I was sitting alone in a booth, just as I was in the present, staring out my window at the world passing by. My name was Marianna then, and I was on my way to visit my father in New York City.

  Not that he cared. At that exact moment he was on a train to New York by way of Boston. He’d fallen for a dancer there, she was only four years older than I was, and was escorting her back to his penthouse in Manhattan. My father was never one to turn away a pretty face, even if it meant his only child had to ride seventy five miles alone to come see him.

  One by one, young men (and some old) gathered the courage to join the lonely girl at her booth, and one by one they left, red in the face. At sixteen, I was already very much used to drawing lots of attention from the opposite sex. My mother had been no exception to my father’s weakness and I’d inherited her flawless skin and blonde hair. I could also fill out a dress quite nicely.

  I have no problem admitting now that I was completely full of myself. I’d tell my mother, who was constantly trying to marry me off, that I was merely waiting for the right boy. In reality, it was just fun for me to send boys away with their tails tucked between their legs. My mother insisted that I was taking the anger I felt towards my father and directing it towards every other male. But what did she know?

  I was sure that I’d run off every potential suitor when another boy sat down. He hadn’t even the manners to ask permission first!

  He was lean, but not overly so, and his faded jeans and dusty shirt painted him as a farmer. A field hand, no less. He was definitely poor, and certainly not worthy of my acquaintance, my father was one of the most powerful men in the state.

  But he was so darn good looking. His dark hair was tied back into a messy ponytail, leaving those bright green eyes unobstructed. His stare was intense, and he was looking right into my eyes. I had to drop my gaze. It was like staring into the sun.

  “Howdy,” he said with a smile.

  His voice, those eyes, had my head spinning. Unfamiliar images kept flashing in my head. “Do I—Do I know you? I think I’ve met you before, haven’t I?”

  His intensity lessened, and the biggest smile I had ever seen took its place. “The one time I’m reluctant to give it a shot, it turns out to be you.” He was laughing and shaking his head now. “You gave my friends over there some pretty bruised egos.”

  I took a look. I remembered his friends from earlier in the trip, both were much nicer dressed than he was, but the first could barely get a word out he was so nervous and the second could hardly stop staring at my breasts. But never mind the two of them, what did he mean when he said that it turned out to be me?

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that you do know me. Unfortunately, you haven’t gotten your memories, so you don’t know how yet.”

  Images, of all him and other girls kept flashing into my head at random times. “Are you doing something to me? Is this some type of hypnotism or something? You are, aren’t you? What’s your name? I’m going to report you to the authorities the moment we get to New York.”

  “Name’s Peter Pan. However, I will accept Mr. Pan, Senor Pan, Herr Pan—“

  “You’re mocking me?”

  He smiled. “You’re a bit uptight this time around, huh? We’ll see if we can’t get you out of that.”

  “You’re crazy, you know that? I want you to leave.”

  His face dropped. “You don’t mean that.”

  “I most certainly do,” I replied. “Now go!”

  He put those gorgeous green eyes into guilt mode as he stood up from the table, and I immediately felt awful for sending him away. It felt like he was taking part of me with him.

  And that’s when the flood came. Memories poured into my head and understanding settled in. Suddenly, I knew exactly who that boy was, and the memory of me sending him away made me cringe.

  “Tristan!” I called.

  He was smiling when he turned to look at me from down the center aisle. In a split second I was on my feet and running to him. I leapt into his arms and pressed my lips to his so forcefully that he stumbled into an empty booth.

  It wasn’t until the kiss was over that I could hear his friends shouting and whistling behind us.

  “I told you,” he said. “I’ll always find you, wherever you are. You can count on me.”

  A train station surrounded me when my eyes opened. I leaned over in my seat and searched the pavement below. Standing off by himself was my green-eyed cowboy. He was right. Even with the insanity surrounding tonight’s plan, I knew I could count on him.