Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

  are you okay with me using it……?

  you can tell me if you dont like it,,

  It’s my turn to take my time replying. I type out a few responses:

  Please don’t call me that. It reminds me of being in love; Yes, that’s okay. It’s just a nickname; I’d really like it if you called me that but I don’t want to repeat what happened; You stopped calling me Nari after I confessed.

  I finally settle on a reply after what feels like far too long.

  You were the first person who called me that, just like I was the first to make that joke at the flying fox. So, by that rule, the name is yours to use.

  Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

  ahahah >:) no take backsies…

  We text for a little while longer. Our exchanges of wit and banter pull me in; texting Perrin is as easy as it was during high school. I laugh at the way she bounces around in conversation. She tells me about her trip to the shops—the local dog pack with the biggest dog she’s ever seen, cardboard cutouts of a winter Santa and a summer Santa in front of a souvenir shop, a tiny one-room museum of tiny paintings—everything except for what she actually went there to buy. I wonder if she’s out getting a Christmas present. Secretive shopping trips on Christmas Eve typically constitute that. Is it enough of a possibility that I should consider getting Perrin a present as well?

  Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

  hey i also wanted to say something

  it’s a little weird to say it by text coz i’m on the way back already but

  i never had the chance to say it before you left

  Left?

  My phone tingles against my fingertips and anticipation numbs my arms. What kind of something does Perrin want to say with such build up? This was either going to be really good or really bad.

  Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

  at the lockers

  when we said goodbye at the end of high school i guess. when you said you didn’t think we could be friends anymore

  when you walked away, i didn’t really get to say anything.

  The melancholy in her words spear through me, hoisting me up on its sharp blade and tossing me into the past.

  I thought our final day had hurt me the most, almost as badly as the day I confessed and she pushed me away. We had less than two years until high school was over after that. I know we tried to patch things up, to be normal, but it wasn’t enough. The only question is, was it just not enough for me? Did I make a choice thinking it was better for the two of us when it only protected my fragile heart?

  My fingers shake as I send the next message.

  I remember. What do you want to say?

  I can’t help the feeling that her next words could potentially dismantle our friendship again. That her words that have been brewing since high school will hold too much regret for me to handle. If this all goes wrong, I’d run away before I could ever face her again.

  She types for a long time. Longer than before. It’s excruciating. I place the phone face up on the coffee table and pace around to expend my nervous energy. I try to sit down with my laptop to get some writing done but I can’t. Not when my mind is so focused on Perrin. It’s a horrific contrast from how words used to come so smoothly when inspired by Perrin.

  I wonder if I should sit here and watch the phone so I don’t miss anything. Or if I should distract myself in the kitchen with fruit and snacks and cake.

  I end up doing a bit of both. A small chocolate bar from the kitchen accompanies me as I continue to stare at the conversation that isn’t moving. How could it be that I was more anxious when Perrin wasn’t even in the villa with me?

  After a long, long time of more chocolate and pacing around, Perrin sends three new messages that cover the entire height of our chat and more. I dive for the phone and cradle it in both hands as I read.

  Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

  Inari, when I watched you walk away from me that afternoon, I didn’t know what to feel…. I think I felt fear at first which was really weird. I was scared of what it’d be like to not have you as my closest friend for the rest of my life. Which is a big thing to think about as an 18 year old but I mean it.

  Then I was angry. I didn’t know what I did wrong, I thought everything was okay. I’m a little bit worried that you might walk away again even though we’ve been having fun.

  Then I was sad. You were gone from my life. I had no way to contact you and I knew that you wouldn’t want me to reach out. You were going to be better off without me.

  But that’s not what this is about. And I truly don’t want this message to upset you. I just want you to know my thoughts because it would be dishonest to say that everything was okay. What I really wanna say is this:

  I realised last night, how kind you actually were and are to me. I kinda expected that, maybe, this residency wasn’t going to be all that good because we weren’t going to get along. That we’d let past things get in the way. And I know that you never do anything without thinking first. Just like I know you didn’t walk away without thinking about what it meant for you. I bet it wasn’t easy to see me, huh? But you still texted me about dinner and worried about me not eating, you still indulged me in conversation and let me bother you while writing, we still cook meals to share and you are interested in my project and even help me fight my impostor syndrome when you could just be working on your own project.

  I wonder why the cosmos brought us back to each other, why we were meant to see each other again? Maybe it’s because I’m finally seeing all the good things you’ve done for me not only these past couple of days but throughout the years. You always were there for me and listened to me and went out of your way to try new things with me as much as you don’t like doing that.

  I want to say thank you Inari. Because it’s been too long to not notice how incredible you are. You care so much even if you don’t like to show it!

  I was scared and angry and sad back then because I lost my best friend and not just my best but THE best friend I could ever ask for… Thank you for coming back even if you didn’t really know this was going to happen. Thank you for staying too.

  sorry that message is so long lol

  i hope the capitals help you read it ;p

  I feel a little lightheaded as I lower my phone. Having the past and present confront me at the same time is a mental cocktail that forces me to sit down before I tip myself over. Everything around me becomes a blur of colours through watery eyes. I can hardly make out the entertainment unit or the details of the wall behind it ridden with trinkets and paintings.

  I never knew how much I needed to hear those words from Perrin. I never knew how much it would mean to me for her to say those things.

  I’m laughing before I know it, holding a hand to my head and reading the message again and again.

  It feels like swimming through an endlessly wide and deep ocean of everything that used to be, everything that is now, and everything that could be because here we are living in luxury, surrounded by art, with a sunny, fiery beach to come.

  Goodness, Perrin. You know just what to say to get me all emotional.

  You know just what to say to keep this curse on me for a little while longer.

  Chapter 7

  Perrin

  “Are you nervous?” Inari asks as we stride down the boardwalk. They’re dressed in their binder with watermelon-red swimming shorts. An open, short-sleeved button-up shirt is worn over top. Always the most noble, they carry the esky I packed with drinks and other surprises.

  I shake my head. “Of course not.” But my palms grow sticky with sweat and get even more clammy when Inari smiles reassuringly at me.

  I matched my two-piece swimsuit with theirs, choosing the closest set I had to watermelon-coloured with an orange sarong tied at my hip. They don’t point it out but I notice their silent, observant looks.

  Things are a bit lighter after sending that huge message to Inari. I don’t know if it’s usual to thank your friends for being good friends but if Inari could make so many exceptions for me, then it was the least I could do.

  For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about them. Not just the pool photo shoot but particularly when we aren’t together. My excitement to spend more time with them keeps rising. On the rare occasions that we aren’t in the same room, I’m tempted to text them. I’m already planning what to make tomorrow for our last full day at the residency before we have to leave the next afternoon. Were their favourite foods the same?

  It feels good to be out with the warm wind blowing in my face. Seagulls squawk at passers-by and the salty ocean air tickles my nose. Music is blasting from a speaker somewhere along the beach, and the sun is still out and shining bright.

  There are several people around, swimming in the water, laying in the sand, or sharing a drink around an unlit pile of wood. Our destination, right ahead.

  Before we even reach the prepared wood stock, a tall and beautiful woman of dark brown complexion strolls towards us with her arms outstretched. She’s wearing a white bikini and upon her cheeks is glittery makeup that sparkles in the late afternoon sunlight.

  “Inari Kan and Perrin Pavlou! How wonderful it is to see you two here! I love the colour coordination.” Her voice stuns me, commanding my attention immediately. It’s so easy to recognise her now as Thalia Ainsworth, our generous benefactor for this residency.

  “Thalia!” I close the distance, embracing her in a hug and kissing her on both cheeks. “I can’t believe it’s actually you.”

  “The one and only, darling,” she says with a wink and then pats me on the arm before stepping to the side to greet Inari.

  “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Miss Ainsworth,” Inari says with a bow of their head.

  Thalia politely bows her head in return. “The pleasure is mine. It’s quite special to be here on Christmas Eve. I always encourage my Christmas residents to come by for the bonfire.”

  As the three of us walk the rest of the way, and we find a place to put our things down, Inari asks, “What’s so special about it?”

  “My dear, what is more special than spending this night of joy with new friends, good drinks, and loud music?” Thalia gestures here and there, her acrylics clicking against as she does. “And maybe I know a little something about how artists love to stay home no matter the occasion, just so they can continue working. Not if I have anything to say about that! Your projects will still be there when you stumble home tonight for a good night’s rest and tomorrow morning when you’re ready to go again after a hearty breakfast!”

  Thalia’s enthusiasm lifts my spirits even higher. I jump from foot-to-foot, ready to run a marathon, but not before all the proper formalities.

  “Thank you so much for accepting me into this round, Thalia.”

  She laughs and waves a manicured hand towards a fallen log. “Come sit with me.”

  When I look at Inari for what they think, they gesture back to Thalia.

  “I’ll leave you two to it,” Inari says when my uncertainty keeps me in place. They give me a small smile. “I’m going to check out the water. We’ll have time to hang out later.” They hurry towards the shoreline before I can say anything so I join Thalia on the log.

  “How are you finding everything?” Thalia asks, taking an offered bottle of beer from a young man who seems slightly older than me. They ask me if I’d like one but I shake my head. I brought along some juice from the villa instead. “To your expectations?”

  “Oh, more than that. It’s better than I could ever dream of.” I’m not sure how old Thalia is, but she definitely seems more wise and mature than me, with so many accomplishments. It’s hard to fully realise I’m not a kid anymore in the presence of people like her.

  “There’s no need to thank me. I hope to let as many young artists experience the Sunlit Creative Space as I can manage. It’s my favourite project of them all.”

  Alongside being a wonderful host of residencies, she is an inspiration in the art world. She’s dabbled in a range of visual art forms and exhibited across Australia. Her talent is unbelievable.

  “Your mind has to be running so fast to keep up with it all,” I say, reaching into the esky to pull out a bottle of fresh orange juice.

  “Oh, I’m sure the estrogen shots help a lot,” she jokes with a flip of her hair. “It takes a lot of brain work, but it’s what I love to do. I’ve worked hard and had the support of my friends and family to get here. Now I want to help others get a chance at their turn.”

  I nod with a full heart. I still can’t believe I’m here, sitting with Thalia and chatting about her passions.

  “But enough of myself,” she says. “Back to you. How’s your residency partner? We don’t often only have two on but I like to change things up sometimes.”

  My lips part to answer but my mind pauses. So the whole arrangement of Inari and I being the only ones at the villa this week just came down to a random decision? I’m not sure why but it feels a little disappointing that the reason wasn’t left to an unknown universal alignment.

  “Inari is really great.”

  “In what way?” Thalia leans forward and folds her arms on her knees.

  “Well...” I think back to my text earlier. This feels reminiscent of that but this time Inari won’t hear what I say. “They’re always considerate of my space and how I’m feeling. They like to cook but also let me cook if I feel like it. They take care of the house while making the most of the facilities. They’re very committed to their project while also checking in with my progress, even helping me with it when I was feeling… uninspired.” My shins tingle in memory of their binder pressed against me. It’s an odd thing to remember in sensory detail.

  Thalia’s eyes sparkle like her makeup. “You seem to be getting along quite well after only meeting a few days ago.”

  My laugh is a little weak and I turn away to take a sip of juice as I consider her thoughts. Would it make sense to mention that Inari and I were friends before? Would it make her feel like she made a mistake pairing us up?

  Thalia doesn’t seem to take the silence harshly, having a drink herself. Then she says, “Don’t worry yourself, Perrin. This wouldn’t be the first time Sunlit has had a love story come out of it!”

  I almost spit my mouthful of orange juice all over her but very bravely swallow before letting my gasp out. “Love story? Oh, no. That’s not happening.” If I ever led Inari on again, then they might confess again, and I would have to say no to them again. Then, they would walk away again.

  “Ah. They’re not single? Or you aren’t single? Or perhaps I misjudged and Inari doesn’t like women...”

  “It’s not— It’s not that, Thalia!” I protest. My cheeks heat up in embarrassment and I quickly bring my hands up to cover them.

  Thalia doesn’t seem to notice my panic and waves at a trio on the other side of the unlit bonfire. They all perk up and come over in an instant, all smiles and laughter as two of them take a seat in the sand and the last one stands behind them with a hand on each head.

  Thalia holds her hand out towards them. “These three were residents about a year and two months ago?” She looks at the trio for confirmation and they all nod. “All strangers, meeting for the first time. This is Derby. Xey do lino-printing—” She points to the one sitting on the left. Xey have fluffy blonde hair with dark dyed tips, a septum piercing, and a shirt with the ace of hearts playing card on it in the colours of the asexual pride flag. “Then there’s Khari. She made the wire and glass sculpture in one of the bedrooms.” The one sitting on the right has long black hair and earthy brown skin. Her hands are decorated with henna and she’s wearing a necklace with the pi symbol on it. “And then we have our wonderful pottery master, Forrest.” The one standing is a tall man with a round belly. His beard is magnificent, making him look a bit like a viking. On both wrists, he’s wearing bracelets made of yellow, pink and turquoise beads.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Forrest says as he extends a hand towards me.

  “Y-You too!” I shake his hand, a little in awe of these beautiful people. “My name is Perrin.”

  Thalia looks over them with a sense of pride. “I asked them all on separate occasions how they found the residency and their new artist friends. I didn’t expect to hear all of their distress over falling in love with both of their fellow residents and not knowing what to do.”

  Everyone has a laugh and I join in, but I’m a little confused. How did all of them know, in just a few days? With two people, no less. One person already seems like a lot.

  “Was it easy to figure out?” I ask, oddly curious. “If Thalia was able to ask you about it before you all knew… then that’d only be two or three days in?”

  Derby gives me a thumbs up. Then xey start signing with xer hands. Khari translates for me.

  “Xey say: you’re right, it wasn’t too far into the residency. Maybe the third day. Is that what you’re on right now, as well? But to answer your first question, it depends on each of us. I think I took the longest to realise. The one speaking for me right now, well, she was a bit obvious— hey!” She stops translating to playfully swat xem on the shoulder.

  Derby rocks back and forth with a smirk as Khari continues in her own words, “Okay, yes. I may have fallen fast because everyone is just way too attractive, right? But there’s something extraordinary about living in a space with other artists and sharing that intimate part of ourselves.”

  Art is intimate. Inari used to say that their writing had a little bit of themself in it, and so to share their writing was like sharing a part of themself to the world. It was difficult for me to feel the same way, with how much I doubted my ability to be a good photographer. But, if I thought about what made a good photograph to me, then a lot of it would come down to how it made me feel, in my heart and mind. The photos had to mean something to me.