Forrest speaks next. “You won’t always know for certain from the residency, from a week. We went on a few dates afterwards and spent more time together to see how things were outside of that space. Though, it’s safe to say that Ainsworth’s villa loves to attract love.” He crouches down to take a hand from his partners and kisses the top of each.

  I avert my gaze for a moment and catch Inari chatting with someone in the shallow water. They’re sitting with an arm over their knee as the other person floats around. A laugh is shared between them. Inari smiles and continues the conversation. That weird feeling from last night comes back. It’s like having a little stone near my heart that won’t go away.

  When I turn back to the group, they’re talking amongst themselves, but Derby is staring right at me. Xey tilt xer head at me. I give xem a small smile. It doesn’t seem to reassure xem and xey tap Khari’s shoulder then point to me. That gets everyone’s attention.

  “Are you alright, Perrin?” Thalia asks. Somehow she manages to read my mind and turns around to look at Inari, then back to me. “Oh, I am so sorry. I must be keeping you from spending time with them.”

  “No, no— I just…” My heart pounds in my chest. I look at Inari again. I twirl my fingers together to stop them from shaking. Why are they shaking? “There’s this feeling. I don’t get it.”

  The others are quiet for a few moments. It doesn’t feel as horrible with the rest of the beach making up for the lack of noise.

  “What’s it like?” Forrest asks, crossing his arms with his expression hardening into concern. “Positive, negative, neutral?”

  “It’s— uh… a mix. Between positive and negative?” I bring a hand to my chest. “My heart is beating really fast but it doesn’t hurt. My skin is tingling a little…”

  “What are you thinking? Anything to be worried about?” he follows up with.

  “Not exactly worried.” I close my eyes and take a breath, trying to find the right words. “I mean, looking at them, it’s like I miss them when they’re just right there. Maybe it’s because I have something planned? I got them something like a gift, but I’ve always been thinking about them all day. Isn’t that weird?”

  The polycule exchange looks.

  Khari translates Derby’s sign language again. “Not weird.”

  Thalia places a gentle hand on my knee. I note that it doesn’t feel the same as when Inari did it yesterday. There’s comfort, but nothing more.

  “Is this why you asked if it’s easy to figure out? Because you’re finding it hard to figure out how you feel about Inari from knowing them for a few days?”

  I rub my eyes and sigh. She’s putting the pieces together but they aren’t the right pieces. She was missing a crucial bit of information.

  “That’s the thing. I haven’t just known them for a few days. We used to be friends in high school.”

  There’s a collective gasp. I brace myself with a held breath. I hope I haven’t shattered Thalia’s good image of us.

  “Oh. My. God,” Thalia whispers. I anticipate a look of anger or disappointment but, instead, she’s grinning. “That makes so much sense!”

  “You aren’t upset?” I perk up, hopeful.

  “Why would I be upset? I don’t expect to know everything about every resident I put together. You were friends? I love that so much.”

  I sigh in relief. That was one thing sorted, but… “Maybe that makes this harder. I have… no idea how it feels to love someone romantically. I’ve never had a crush on anyone before but maybe— maybe this is the closest I’ve been to it and I don’t want to get it wrong. If it’s not real, then I don’t want to hurt Inari.”

  I clasp a hand to my mouth as I realise what I just said. I’ve never told anyone about my lack of crushes because I had always pretended, since primary school, to like someone when my friends would ask. I don’t think I was actually trying to hide it; as a kid I genuinely didn’t know what crushes were and thought the other girls in my class were just talking about the boys they were friends with.

  “I know what you mean,” Khari says with a kind smile. I’m a little taken aback because she had mentioned falling in love too fast. “It’s not exactly the same but, I just have so much love to give that sometimes I don’t truly love someone even if I think I do. Funny enough, there’s a difference between thinking you love someone and actually loving someone. There may just be a strong platonic feeling, or something else entirely that doesn’t mean romance.”

  Forrest hums in agreement and lowers his crossed arms. “Indeed. And we all love in different ways. For me, it’s about the physical as much as this deep, inner desire to protect my loves.” He puts his hands upon their heads again. Derby tilts xer head into his big hand and Khari smiles. “But that doesn’t mean I love everyone I want to protect. You, for example… you’re like a lost little bird who needs a little push out of the nest. And Thalia—who wouldn’t want to protect her?”

  I nod, intrigued by these different perspectives. I wonder how Inari loves. I can’t ignore their constant acts of service, but they’re like that towards everyone. It’s who they are. Was it selfish to think that I could be the one to figure out the other ways they loved?

  Derby signs for me and this time Forrest translates. “Okay, my turn, as the polycule’s ace.” Xey give me a cheeky smirk and I lean in, ready for xer wisdom. “There’s a chance you could be demiromantic. So you can’t experience romantic feelings towards someone without getting to know them deeply first.”

  “Isn’t that normal?” I look down and flatten my sarong over my thighs. “That you become friends with someone before you get into a relationship with them?”

  “Not exactly. Ever heard of love at first sight? It’s a real thing for some allo people.”

  I consider my history with Inari. We’ve been through many years together, navigating the stresses of school, making fun of teachers we didn’t like, teaching each other about our interests and what we wanted to do one day when we were grown up.

  I meet Derby’s gaze. “Why now?”

  Xey tilt xer head in question.

  I elaborate for xem, “We became friends in year seven. We haven’t spoken since the end of year twelve. Until… this residency came up, but that’s still six years to get to know Inari. Why would it happen now?”

  Xey take a moment to ponder. “There is no timeline for these things. If we had a guide to love and attraction then things would be much, much easier.” I laugh nervously as xer response. I suppose it would be strange if there was a universal timeline. Then xey lean into Khari. “Listen, she’s right about the intimacy. If I am going to trust my ace-radar, I bet you romantically value vulnerability. You said you knew them in high school? High school is a good place to spend a lot of time with someone, but this is the first time you’re spending a lot of time alone with all this freedom. You are learning things about them that you never knew, and you’re both a bit older now. There’s some maturity, less focus on trivial things like classes. Not to mention that bedroom feelings don’t always match the demi in your demiromanticism.” Xey give me a feline grin as Forrest shakes his head with a chuckle.

  I’m as still as a statue, taking in all their words, when Forrest tops it all off.

  “That’s all to say, little bird, that these are the perfect grounds for you to realise your romantic feelings for a friend you care deeply for.”

  Oh.

  So this is what falling in love feels like.

  Like finding a long lost key in a pile of hay, like finally making my way out of a never ending forest, like leaving the nest and learning to fly.

  At once, a flower of warmth blooms in my chest and all my thoughts become Inari. Inari’s smile, Inari’s kindness, Inari’s passion for writing, Inari’s care, Inari’s hand on me. No wonder I wanted to get them a gift so badly.

  Everything shines a little brighter, even the sun that is starting to set. When I glance at Inari who’s come up from the water to join us, they are the brightest of all.

  The bonfire comes to life with a roar and I whip around, captured like everyone else by its ferocity as it blazes. Thalia coos lovingly like it’s a cute animal and Forrest lets out a whistle.

  I close my eyes and exhale as Inari places a hand on my shoulder. This was going to be a night to remember.

  Chapter 8

  Inari

  With the fire bringing everyone together, the party starts for real. A bluetooth speaker sitting on a nearby rock blasts top hits from a decade ago as a group of teenagers pack up their seaside cricket game. Dressed in an assortment of summer clothing and swimwear, of-age party-goers pass around six packs of beers and vodka cruisers. There is a mix of people here from old to young, with families or solo, and ones who choose to dance or instead relax on their beach towels. I sit with Perrin on the log, taking in the atmosphere and not letting myself think about anything but being here. It’s a blessing to not recognise anyone apart from Perrin, Miss Ainsworth, and the random woman I had a conversation with in the water. I didn’t come here to maintain any social quotas.

  The sun starts to set and the incoming shade is a welcome change when it's still hot and dry in the evening. Purples and oranges streak through the sky in a wonderful blend and I know this would be the perfect opportunity for a painter to bring out the easel and canvas. For Perrin, the photographer, this would make a gorgeous photograph.

  Then I remind myself that the present moment isn’t always about capitalising on it artistically. The residency balances relaxation and art process. Perrin didn’t bring her camera on purpose, even if she is pouting at the sunset right now. I can tell from the way her face scrunches up that she wishes she had her camera with her.

  One of the people Perrin was talking to earlier comes up to us, carrying a slab of water bottles over his shoulder.

  “Perrin, why don’t you introduce me to your friend here?” he asks in a jolly tone.

  For some reason, Perrin squints at the man and he laughs at her reaction.

  She clears her throat. “Right. Forrest, this is Inari, my residency partner. Inari, this is Forrest. He was a resident last year with his partners Derby and Khari.” She points to the others who are busy dancing on the other side of the fire.

  I bow my head. “Nice to meet you, Forrest. I never would’ve thought I’d meet past residents while I was here.”

  “We like to make it a tradition to visit at least once a year. Just happened to be during Christmas this time.” He passes me a bottle of water and I accept it gratefully. “I’ll keep going with these, but stay hydrated.” He walks off and I turn to Perrin.

  “What were you talking about before with them?” I nod towards Derby and Khari.

  “Not much—” Perrin starts playing with the ends of her hair and glances away. That was new. “But! Khari was the one who made that sculpture in the corner of my room.”

  She tells me about the range of art forms between the polycule. I’m very impressed and really commend how Khari could even leave behind a one-of-a-kind creation. I could take my writing anywhere, and print as many copies as I wanted. Same for Perrin’s photos. Fine artists had a certain bravery to them.

  A while later, a few guys come around and take everyone’s order for fish and chips. It’s past the time they said they’d organise dinner but I can’t blame them in all the chaos. I ask for my usual: a fried flake, chips and potato cakes. Perrin asks for the same.

  As darkness falls upon the beach, people start taking out glow sticks and neon paint. They make themselves walking exhibits of bright brushstrokes, in colours you may only see on a night like this. The paint travels from arm to arm, leg to leg, torso to torso as partying continues and nostalgic songs are chanted into the sky. Someone makes a Christmas tree out of wet sand and others place small shells, rocks and even seaweed at its base like presents.

  During a lull in conversation, Miss Ainsworth walks over and asks me how the residency is going. She also asks how I’m finding my time with Perrin.

  “This is just what I needed,” I tell her, even though I’m not entirely confident in my answer. A lot of the time I won’t know it—feel it—until the week has passed and I’m on the way home missing what was. “And Perrin…”

  “She’s a sweetheart, isn’t she?” she asks me, right in front of Perrin who catches my eye. She awaits an answer as if I can’t see her staring like a lost puppy.

  “I don’t disagree with that, Miss Ainsworth.” I smile, fixing my sights on the kind host until she wanders off to chat with another group.

  When I turn back to Perrin, her cheeks are flushed red and before I can think further on it, she rushes off, saying something about grabbing our portions of the group dinner and making sure it’s paid for. Still acting strange, it seems.

  Sitting on a log, waiting for my sunlit roommate to come back, I’m left with my thoughts.

  There are many ways I could have described Perrin. The old friend she was, the new friend she is, my high school almost-sweetheart, and the one I should only see as platonic now, no matter how convincing her actions and words are.

  I’m afraid to admit that my brain seems hardwired to connect everything Perrin does to romance. She doesn’t make it easy to break the habit.

  Perrin returns with the fish and chips wrapped in butcher’s paper. Heat emanates off the package, with a freshly-fried scent rising from it. We lay the food out between us on the log.

  The chips are deliciously coated in chicken salt and there’s a wedge of lemon on the side to squeeze over the fishes. Our fingers become our utensils for the meal as conversation bounces around the bonfire. A guitar is pulled out and while I don’t think many of us would be here except for today’s special occasion, we come together in slightly off-key song.

  When we’ve had our fill, Perrin sets off again to dispose of the rubbish and I head to the outdoor shower pavilion to wash my hands and face.

  As I’m bent over a running tap, a set of footsteps come up behind me. They don’t sound like Perrin’s but I’m the only one here so I push my hair out of my face and turn around.

  It’s Khari. She gives me a wave and a smile with a pep in her step.

  “Hey, sorry— didn’t mean to interrupt you,” she says, realising what I was doing.

  I turn off the tap and shake my head. “No worries. Did you need something?”

  She shrugs. “I actually just came by to grab you for Perrin.”

  I straighten up and step towards her. “Did something happen to her?”

  “No, of course not,” she assures. I ease up and give Khari some of her space back. “She was just in a bit of a rush but I got the important details from her. Gazebo… get Inari… the esky is with me… where’s Inari?… oh, wherever they’d wash their hands.”

  I bring a hand to my mouth to stifle a chuckle. “That does sound like her.”

  The girl flaps her hands dismissively. “Maybe those details aren’t as important but I’ve found you, and Perrin wants you down there, at the gazebo. Not sure why, but have fun!”

  She gestures to my left with both hands before she leaves to get back to the party. My gaze meets where she pointed, finding a silhouette of the gazebo a short walk away. A hanging light illuminates the small structure and a shadow darts around beneath it.

  I start making my way over there, curious. What is Perrin up to? It has to be something she’s nervous about if she sent someone else to escort me. Perhaps it was related to what she was doing earlier in the day in town.

  I move to the side of the footpath as a couple walks past me. The two of them are linked by their arms, with one of them leaning their head on the other’s shoulder. I catch their reminiscent conversation of a sweet confession under the gazebo two summers ago.

  A confession spot—only a coincidence. Perrin may just want some time away from the noise and crowds. That was usual. There are no romantic intentions here. Don’t think such things, Inari.

  I continue onwards, bridging the gap between myself and the gazebo with each step. As I get closer, the details become clearer. Foliage decorates the structure’s arches and climbs along each pillar, with intricate designs swirling along the circular rim. Perrin is sitting on the bench that follows the inner edge of the gazebo, wringing her hands together. As soon as I veer off the main path towards her, she looks up and her eyes widen.

  Two steps separate me from entering the luminous space. The sun has settled for the day leaving our surroundings in darkness save for a few street lamps and the bonfire in the distance. Under the warm glow of the hanging lantern lays a picnic blanket with two plates and, in-between them, a mango gateau sitting upon an open cake box.

  Perrin stands up with her arms stuck to her sides, still wide-eyed. “Nari! Y-You didn’t get lost.”

  An uncertain chuckle rises from my throat as I look over the set-up again and again. A shared dessert with a stammering Perrin, in a beautiful gazebo. That unknown, mischievous god is surely trying to kill me.

  “Of course I didn’t. We aren’t far from the party.”

  Perrin bites her lip and nods. I’m not pleased at myself for the way my gaze lingers on her lips—their softness and pink tint.

  She gestures towards the picnic blanket. “Will you join me for dessert?”

  I can’t say no to her and linger by the edge of the blanket, trying to figure out how to not kick the entire thing into a mess with a misstep or the wrong movement.

  I move one of the plates and then carefully lower myself into a cross-legged position. Once I’m seated, I look up at Perrin who gives me a smile before she gracefully sits down with her knees together and feet tucked to one side.

  “Did you really go into town just to get this?” I nod towards the gateau. It’s not the most affordable dessert either—common for formal occasions rather than a casual night.