‘He deserved it, Nat,’ he said. His voice was quiet. I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. Sinking onto the wooden chair and leaning my forehead against the cool dining table, I let my breath huff out.

  ‘No he didn’t, Tommy. How dare you risk taking someone’s life? You have the power to play God now, do you? You decide if someone dies?’ I was shouting by now, my head lifted from the table. My hands were shaking and I struggled to keep the phone next to my ear. A slow red heat had started from my feet and was making its way up my body. The muscle vibrations were getting stronger and stronger. My vision was so blurred I just closed my eyes to let the water escape.

  ‘He’s dead? Shit, I killed him? Seriously … ? Oh, fuck, Nat, did the police come? Shit, I’m going to jail!’ his voice was rushed. That was it. The worry he felt for himself was the last straw. I screamed a huge long sound and flung my phone as hard as I could. It smashed against the cupboard door, the different parts of it exploding and raining down onto the floor. I was still screaming. I had my hands in the air, letting it all out. How dare he? How dare he? How dare he? What had he done? I didn’t care that I’d made him believe that the boy was dead. He might well be by now. I’d heard of people who were stabbed and seemed okay, but when they’d got to the hospital they’d died because of internal injuries. I hoped so much that the boy would be okay. I fell to the floor. The tension had left my body. The sobs kept coming. My eyes hurt from the salty water that refused to stop flowing. I was a heap on the floor. I had no one. The boy who I saw as my family had done something that made me sick to my stomach. What was I doing?

  There he was again. The boy who’d told me that I had a choice. Suddenly I knew had to speak to him. I had to know what his secret was. He seemed to know what he was talking about, didn’t he? What was going on with my life? My mum was mental. I was feeling mental. Tommy was acting mental and now, there was a boy laid up in hospital and I’d had a part in that to. I had to speak to that boy. And soon.

  Chapter Seven

  I kept looking at the door whenever someone came through it. I knew that he would be in today. I dunno how I knew, but I just knew. The shop was quiet. The morning rush had been over for a while and I wasn’t even bothering to try and make myself look occupied. I leant against the counter, drawing a face in the spilt sugar with my finger. The door went again and I looked up. There he was. About bloody time, too. He grinned as soon as he saw me and raised his eyebrows as I came around the counter.

  ‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ I said, pausing as he walked straight past me and up to the counter. He turned to me and smiled again.

  ‘Can I have a hot chocolate, please?’

  I glared at him. The cheek of it, how dare he just walk straight past me?

  ‘Only if you tell me your name … ’ It just came out. I was planning on being all stand-offish and hard to get. You know, trying to lure him in. Not that I wanted to lure him in in a fancy him kind of way. It was more of a, you know something and I want in on it, kind of way. If that makes sense. No, it didn’t to me either.

  ‘Scott.’ He bowed and I clenched my hand as it was about to reach out and hit him on the top of his head. I ignored him and went to make him a hot chocolate. When I turned around he was sitting over in the window booth. I told my colleague that I was going for my break. Sitting down, I handed him the drink.

  ‘Scott, I need to ask you something,’ I said, looking down at the table.

  ‘Yes, you can change your life.’ He sipped his chocolate and smiled at me. How could he be so cheerful all the time? The dimples in his cheeks were constantly showing. It wasn’t the question I was gonna ask, but the answer was something that made me think.

  ‘How … ?’ I hated asking. I felt a fluttering in my chest for some reason. I wasn’t sure why the thought of being able to change my life made me nervous. I didn’t believe him, anyway. Even if he gave me some ideas, I bet I wouldn’t be able to do any of them. I had no money or support. Not that I needed support anyway. I could do everything on my own.

  ‘By changing how you look at things, that’s how.’ He looked smug. As if he’d just imparted the biggest secret to life. What the bloody hell was he talking about? Idiot!

  ‘Look, Scott, this is serious, something … ’ I let my words trail off. I couldn’t tell him what had happened last night. The others were bound to be in to check on me soon.

  ‘I’m being serious, Natalie, life is a mind-set. It’s the way that you look at things that determines what’s gonna happen in your life.’ He was being serious. That smile was nowhere to be seen. The riddle confused me. He must’ve thought that I was really thick. It’s the way I looked at things …

  ‘So, I’m trying to grasp what you’re saying. The way I look at things … ’

  ‘Let me give you an example. Say someone you know is ill and has to go to hospital. Now, you can look at it two ways. You can think that it’s awful and really bad or you can choose to look at it differently. You can think, well, at least that person is going to get the help that they need to get better. You see what I mean?’

  I had gone completely still. He was talking about my mum: I was sure. Usually by now my temper would have risen and I would’ve slapped him or something, but for some reason a little feeling inside stopped me. I wondered what it was. I’d never felt it before. He was watching me. His eyes were clear and so bloody positive. Why did he have to know exactly what he was talking about? He must have had a wonderful life, all fairy tales and pirates. I bet he’d never had a bad day in his life.

  ‘Have you ever had a bad time in your puny little life?’ I couldn’t help it. I had to hit out somehow. I knew I was glaring and consciously tried to clear my face.

  ‘Hasn’t everyone? No one is perfect, Natalie, even if I look like I am,’ he laughed. The red that crept up onto his cheeks made me smile. If he’d been that cocky in real life, I would’ve stood up and left him sitting there. The fact that he was blushing made me stay where I was. I couldn’t help it. A cute boy was blushing at my expense. Cute … ? Did I think he was cute? Quick, I needed to change it to stupid. The stupid boy was blushing.

  ‘Okay, so that seems like a good idea, but is it really that easy?’ My brain was on overload. I wasn’t the smartest book in the coffee shop so I was trying to grasp what he was saying without making a prat out of myself.

  ‘No, not when you’ve been trained to always think in a negative way. Not just with drastic situations like my example but with everyday life.’ He gestured around us, ‘Like that woman who’s just dropped a pound on the floor.’ He stood and retrieved the lost pound. He followed the woman and spoke to her. When he sat back down, he handed me the pound. I raised my eyebrows at him. I’m sure I saw him try to hand it back to her.

  ‘She said I could have it. You see, if she’d lost it, she’d probably have been really angry, but imagine if a homeless person found it. He could do with a pound much more than someone who can afford to come and have a coffee and slice of cake in here. If the woman chose to think that the pound probably went to someone who needed it more than her, she’d have peace of mind, rather than being angry. You get it?’

  I could see his point. If a bad thing to me could be a benefit to someone else, then it wouldn’t be as awful as I’d originally thought. Hope … that’s what that emotion was. It started to tickle my belly and I felt myself trying to push it away. I’d not felt hope for many years.

  ‘What you said about my mum … I mean the person going into hospital … ’ the words were out of my mouth before I could bite them back. I flushed and looked down at the table. His hand came over mine and made me jump. I pulled away and looked directly into his face. I felt my wall come around me.

  ‘You can talk to me … ’

  ‘All I was gonna say was that it makes sense. Rather than seeing everything as if it’s bad, it’s better to try and see the good in it. What if there really isn’t any good in it, though?’ I thought about the boy that lay in my lap last night, his blood pissing out of his body and onto the floor. I coughed and shook my head.

  ‘There’s always something to learn in every situation that we find ourselves in. Life is a school and we’re just its students.’

  ‘Now you’ve gone all phily on me,’ I chuckled looking over at the time. Crap, I needed to get back to work.

  ‘Phily?’ He looked at the clock too and stood.

  ‘Yeah, you’ve gone all Socrates on me.’ I stood too.

  He laughed and picked up his backpack.

  ‘Are you around after work? We could carry on with our conversation.’

  ‘I suppose so, yeah, but not for long, my mum’s back tonight.’ I looked at the floor.

  ‘How about I come to yours?’

  ‘But … ?’ What was he talking about? I’d just told him that my nuts mother would be back in the house that I lived in that night. I hardly knew the boy and he wanted to come to my house? To the shithole of a pit I slumbered in. That’s all I did in the bricks that surrounded the messy place. I must admit, I probably could do a bit more to help, but I couldn’t decorate everything. I’d done a spring clean in preparation for my mum coming home, though, so that was something.

  ‘Or we could meet in a park somewhere?’ He started to back away from me. He obviously needed to be somewhere and my colleague was waving at me so that she could go and take her break.

  ‘Do you know the children’s park on the Blackbird estate?’ It was near where I lived, but I felt safer being out in the open. Not safe from him, but safe from the embarrassment of this boy seeing my home.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll meet you there about four, okay?’

  I nodded and he turned and rushed out of the door. He walked straight into Jack, who was coming in through it.

  ‘Watch where you’re going, man,’ Jack called as Scott mumbled an apology and carried on walking. ‘Jeysus, Nat, what type of clientele do you have in this here dump-hole?’

  ‘Shut it, Jack, you’re here ain’t you?’ I stood back behind the counter and took my mates’ orders. Tommy was jittery. His hands were all over the place. He started off with them tucked in his pockets, then rubbed his face, then his hair. He looked at me and gave me his, Yeah, what? look. I didn’t get the boy. He was starting to change into someone I didn’t recognise.

  ‘I’m sorry, babe, alright. I didn’t mean to,’ he stuttered his words, not looking into my eyes.

  ‘Have you managed to find anything out?’ I’d wondered about calling the hospital to see how the kid was doing, but I didn’t want to put myself in any danger. If the pigs found out I’d called, they’d probably be able to find out who I was.

  ‘Yeah, my mum rang and said that she was at the club and had seen the boy get chucked out and wanted to make sure he was okay. They told her that it was confidential. She got a bit hysterical, so they reassured her that he was alive and doing okay.’ Tommy was nodding as he spoke. He was obviously waiting to get caught. I still couldn’t look him in the eye. I passed them their drinks and they crowded round.

  ‘Nat, can I come see you tonight?’ Tiff looked just as bad as Tommy. Her hair was messy and her eyes were puffy. She was my oldest friend and the only one in the group who really knew my mum well.

  ‘Yeah, but not till later, about eight?’

  Tiff nodded and went to sit at a table. Jack followed her. Tommy looked at me and then shook his head.

  ‘How did he look?’

  ‘How do you think he bloody looked?’ I sneered. My stomach started to knot and I felt my hands start to shake. I turned away and dumped a cup in the washing up bowl. I took a few deep breaths then went back to him.

  ‘Alright, I get that you’re angry, woman, but come on. I need you now, don’t I? We’re family, dude, and it’s time to stick together, ain’t it?’ He wiped his forehead and I saw a glimpse of the young boy I had made friends with at school. He didn’t have many friends and his confidence was on the floor. I wasn’t surprised, really. In the summer of that year we’d been ten and the boys were walking around with no T-shirts on. Tommy took his off one day and we all noticed the bruises on his back. His dad beat him, he’d told us that day. The man was a labourer, struggling to find work and he took his frustration out on Tommy and his brother. Like my brother Darren, Tommy’s brother had buggered off as soon as he’d had the chance. I softened as I remembered that lost little boy. Nothing had changed, only his age.

  ‘Don’t ever do anything like that again. I mean it, Tommy, he didn’t deserve it.’ I glared at him.

  ‘He did … ’

  ‘Really … ?’ I leant forward on the counter. My eyes were burning, I could feel them. He shook his head and looked down. So he should, little bugger. He was being a self-righteous wrong-doer, getting all defensive when he’d stabbed some dude up, good and proper.

  ‘No, he didn’t, alright? You happy now … ?’

  ‘No, you should send him some flowers,’ I giggled. I couldn’t help it. The puppy look on his face was making me feel sick, if I was honest. Tommy didn’t do, not so tough boy, well. He was much better at being a dickhead. He looked up at me and a small smile tried to find its way to his mouth.

  ‘Okay, and some grapes too, yeah … ?’ He winked at me and went to the table. I felt like I spent most of my time in this coffee shop. It was boring as hell and I couldn’t wait to finish my shift. The time ticked on and I wondered if my friends would go before I could. How would I explain to them that I was meeting another boy? Luckily, just as I was thinking this they stood up and came over.

  ‘We’re off now, Nat, see you tonight, yeah?’ Tiff said. She wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. As I’d watched them messing around, I could see that her whole body was stiff and she wasn’t joining in much. She must feel like I did about what happened last night. In fact, she probably felt worse, considering it was her arse that had started the whole thing.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll see you later.’ As they walked out I watched the boys joking around as they always did. I don’t remember ever seeing them being serious. Boys would be bloody boys.

  Chapter Eight

  ‘You know you’re beautiful, right?’ It was a matter of fact question. He wasn’t giving me a compliment, he was just being factual. It made me feel a little tense. Did he think I was beautiful?

  ‘I don’t know about beautiful, but all the boys seem to give me attention,’ I replied. We were sitting on a bench in the park. Things were feeling a little too humdrum to me nowadays. All I ever seemed to see in my world was the park, my rock, the shite house I lived in and work. I’d had enough of it. Scott had his arms spread across the back of the seat. I sat at the other end facing him, with my legs crossed under me.

  ‘Now therein lies a problem,’ he muttered, letting his head fall back. The sun seemed to stroke the clear skin on his spotless face. How comes he had no spots? Most people our age were well spotty, but no, not him, he had perfect skin. It was so annoying. Why was he always the one asking questions? What about him? He was probably from a posh part of town and going to some top college.

  ‘What?’ I looked away from him and towards the swings. A couple stood there with their two young children. They kept caressing each other as they played with the kids. They were obviously madly in love and their children were glowing. I’d never seen anything like it. Well, not around here anyway. They must be a family from out of town or something. All happy and touchy and loving and cute and yuck, yuck, yuck …

  ‘You don’t love yourself.’

  My gaze tore away from the grossness and landed on his. He’d turned to me, leaning closer. I pulled back slightly and looked down at the bench. What the bloody hell was he talking about?

  ‘No offence, but are you gay or something?’ Why would he say such a weird thing like that? I don’t love myself. Of course I did. Well, I think I did. To be honest as I sat here, I wondered if I even knew what the word love meant. He laughed and shook his head, going back to his relaxed position.

  ‘You said that I had the choice not to have the shitty life that I have. You said it as if it was my fault that my life is shit,’ I said, reaching up and taking my hair out of its band. My scalp was hurting like a bitch and I needed to release the pressure. I rubbed at my head to relieve the pain, not caring that it looked a mess.

  ‘What if there was no blame in the world? What if actually, it was no one’s fault?’

  ‘How can that be possible?’

  ‘What if your life wasn’t shit, but was actually just a way to teach you?’ He lifted his head again and grinned at me. It wouldn’t be long before I punched that smug little face.

  ‘You’re talking in riddles again, Scotty boy,’ I said, pushing his arm.

  ‘No, think about it. When something has happened in the past, we learn from it. For instance when we eat a chilli, we learn that it’s really hot and burns our mouth. If we like the sensation, we eat it again, if not, we leave well alone. When we hurt ourselves doing something, we tend not to do it again if we can help it. When someone we love is ill, we send them to hospital over and over again, because even though it feels horrible to us, we know that it’s the only thing that will make that person well.’ He tried to put his hand on mine then. What was it with the touchy, touchy? I pulled away and spun, sitting forward on the bench.

  ‘Why do you keep bringing up my mum?’ I didn’t like this feeling. I felt open and exposed to someone I didn’t even know.

  ‘Because I want you to know that you’re doing the best that you can. We’re all taught how to live by what we’re surrounded by. I’m assuming that you don’t have anyone else to help you with your mum, so you’re doing the best you can with what you know. In fact we all are. Your mates, me, and the people that live down the street. They learnt from their parents and surroundings. Then their grandparents learnt from their parents and so it becomes a pattern. Does that make sense?’