Funnily enough, the idiot was making sense. My brother had never known what to do with Mum and so hadn’t done anything. The only reason I now knew what to do, was because as a child, I’d been taught in school that when there was an emergency to ring an ambulance or the police. So when I came home at the age of nine to find mum passed out on the floor, I’d called an ambulance and they’d carted her off to the psyche ward.

  ‘Yeah, it makes sense.’

  ‘And do you love yourself?’ The happy couple and their brats went out of the park, waving at us as they passed. I ignored them cos my over-eager friend waved back enough for the both of us.

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ I confessed. I still hadn’t grasped what he meant about that.

  ‘Well, what if I was to tell you that the answer to all your problems is to learn to love yourself.’

  I snorted. I couldn’t help it. He sounded like a counsellor or something. Not that I knew what one of them sounded like really, but it was all a bit poncey.

  ‘I mean it, Nat, your mind is more powerful than you give it credit for. You can do anything, create anything, and be anything you want to be. You just gotta love yourself enough to allow it. When you want to, you can change your life.’ He stood up then and motioned towards the road. I turned and saw my friends heading towards the park. They hadn’t spotted us yet. Crappy pants, I didn’t want to speak to them right now and I certainly didn’t want to do introductions when I didn’t even know this dude myself.

  ‘Come with me,’ I muttered, grabbing his hand and making a run for it. I sprinted across the rest of the field and into the woods. The poor boy was being dragged as I tried to get away before the others caught sight of us. I didn’t think we’d been very successful cos I heard them all shout. I kept going, though, I wasn’t going back now. My legs pumped. I could hear Scott’s heavy breathing as he ran with me. I noticed that our hands were still connected as we tore through the trees. I let go and started to slow up. I knew the others wouldn’t bother following us this far into the woods. It was really easy to get lost in here, unless you were cool like me and naturally knew where you were going. I stopped suddenly, unsure whether to lead him to my rock. The place had been my sanctuary for years and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it with anyone, let alone some weird dude who talked about loving yourself and stuff.

  ‘This place is beautiful. I never knew it was here.’ He lowered himself onto the ground in a clearing and crossed his legs. He closed his eyes and started to hum. I felt well uncomfortable. What the hell was he doing? He stopped and looked at me. Laughing, he patted the ground next to him and gestured for me to join him. I hesitated, but then thought that I might as well. He seemed to be the happiest person I knew. Maybe all this rubbish was actually helping.

  ‘Okay, what if I told you that just by thinking something you could create it. Does that appeal?’

  ‘You mean like magic powers? If I thought of a doughnut, it would appear?’ I sat on the ground and let my fingers stroke the top of the grass blades.

  ‘Sort of, yeah. Say for instance you wanted a better job. Not that I’m saying your job’s bad or anything,’ he defended at my raised eyebrows, ‘all you’d have to do is see yourself, in your mind, doing what it is you want. Then eventually that will come true.’ He turned to face me. He was really close, our knees almost touching.

  ‘Like a fantasy?’ The amount of times I had found myself daydreaming about having a big house with a husband and maybe some kids, but I’d always pushed it away. That wasn’t for me, no matter how much I wanted it. There was no way I was gonna afford a nice house. There was no way I was gonna find a nice husband who would love me and stick around. There was no way I could get out of the god forsaken shitehole I lived in. My gang and I were gonna grow old together, we’d already decided. We’d nick some stuff when we needed it. One of us would go on the council register and get a house and the rest of us would live there.

  ‘Yes but you’ve got to believe that it will happen for you. No good in dreaming about things, then pushing them away or thinking that it will never happen, cos then it won’t. You got to know inside that what you want will come true for you. Wanna try?’

  ‘How can you know inside that it will come true, when you know inside that it won’t? Don’t make sense. You live in cloud cuckoo land or something?’ He was getting stranger and stranger and quite frankly, I was losing the plot.

  ‘That’s where the loving yourself comes in you see. You got to love yourself enough to believe that you deserve to get what it is you want. Look, enough of the lesson, let’s put it to action.’

  He stood up and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me to a stand. He took my other hand and nodded at me, smiling. I tried to smile back but was a bit unsure about what he was doing. Maybe he would start chanting a spell or something. I would be gone before he could say abracadabra.

  ‘Close your eyes,’ he told me. I did as he said, being a good student and all that. But then I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it, could I? It was just all a bit odd. Well, I was used to odd, but I think I’d had enough of it to last me a life time.

  ‘Stop it. Now listen. Imagine you go home tonight. I’m assuming that you won’t really know what your mum will be like, so see her in your mind, how you want her to react when you see her. Be realistic, considering her illness. Who do you want in the room? See the scene in your mind. This has already happened. How you are seeing it, is how it already is. Believe that and feel inside what it would feel like to have an evening with your mum.’ He went quiet.

  I was lost. I saw my mum shy but smiling, which is how she usually looked when on the road to recovery. She would give me a little hug and then make me a cup of tea. I wanted Dick to be upstairs so that we could have a little chat. I wanted Dick to be in the house cos he wouldn’t leave my mum over this. I could see us having a take away together, even Dickhead had a plate. I smiled and came back to reality, realising that Scott had gone quiet. I opened my eyes.

  ‘See that was easy wasn’t it?’ His face was close. I could feel his breath on my cheek. I shivered and stepped back. His pretty eyes were far to near mine. I wondered if he liked me. He seemed to be touchy feely with me, but I didn’t know if that was because he was trying to teach me. Plus I was sure he would be like that with other people. He seemed so comfortable in that perfect skin of his. So sure of himself. He wasn’t anything like us. We were rogues. We were rude and mouthy. We didn’t care if we hurt anyone. Only we mattered. If someone got hurt in the process of us living our lives, then we didn’t care, they shouldn’t have gotten in the way. I frowned as I remembered the amount of times we had sat around saying this. I’d beat up a girl only three weeks ago cos she’d looked at me funny. The bitch had it coming. She looked me up and down like I was a piece of dog poo on her high heeled shoe. Well she weren’t getting away with that, was she? No, she got what was coming to her. I felt the dudes hands tighten around mine. I was looking at his chest as I remembered the way I had pulled her face down to my knee. My stomach started to churn. What was going on? I always got into fights and I’d never felt like this before. It was about sticking together and not letting anyone pull us apart.

  ‘I gotta go,’ I stammered, letting go of his hand and spinning away from him. I started to run away, back through the woods. I heard him call after me but let the sound be drowned out by the snapping twigs and leaves that got mashed up by my trainers. It was time I got home. My mum would be back by now and she would smile at me. That one image in my mind was too lovely not to give up. I’d never tried to imagine things being good before. It had felt better than anything I’d ever experienced. A fantasy life might not be a bad idea. Although I didn’t wanna live in my head too much, that might make me go mad when reality set in. I saw his face in front of mine, his eyes close to mine. I didn’t dare look at his lips. I pushed the thoughts out of my head. Thank effing God that my group weren’t around when I came out of the woods. They’d obviously got bored and wandered off to cause trouble. I headed home and for the first time ever, I looked forward to seeing my mum.

  Chapter Nine

  She hugged me slightly, one arm coming across my back. That was as far as she could get in the human contact. That was okay, though, it was a good sign. They’d given her huge doses of her meds to get her balanced again. She was able to look at me a little bit and she’d given me that smile too. We all ate Chinese take away that Dick had treated us to.

  ‘How are you feeling, Mum?’ I asked looking at the clock. Tiff was due round soon.

  ‘I’m okay, love, I just need to stay on the meds,’ she said the words that she’d rehearsed in her brain. The doctor had obviously told her this just before she left the crisis house.

  ‘Are they coming to see you tomorrow?’ I was annoyed that I’d missed them. They’d dropped her back just before I got home and left her with the Dick.

  ‘Yes, they are,’ he replied, butting in on our conversation. He had a tendency to do that. Although give him his dues, he was still here. He must care about her.

  ‘Good. I spose they’re gonna monitor your meds?’ I reached over for a spring roll, only to have Dick snatch it first. I looked at him and glared. How bloody rude, I didn’t care that I’d had most of them, I bloody liked them, okay?

  ‘Yeah, they … ’

  ‘I was asking Mum, Dick, unless you’re my mum now?’ Our truce had only lasted a couple of hours. Love it! We were back to bickering. Sometimes I felt like he was younger than me. I wouldn’t have believed that he was almost forty. He was a weasel … you know, thin … with thin hair, fingers and toes. He crept me out and he knew it. In fact, I reckon he did it on purpose to try and make me leave.

  ‘Yes, they’ll be coming round every day,’ Mum answered, not even berating me for being rude. Maybe I should take advantage of her state to wind Dick up more. I looked at him and saw him shake his head. He was right, it wasn’t fair on her. I’d forgotten for a sec there that she was still pretty ill and our arguing wouldn’t help her get better. Bloody grown-ups, they were so annoying.

  ‘Tiff is coming round soon, you don’t mind do you?’ I looked at my mum as I asked. It was still her house and not the morons. Something crossed my mind. Where would they live when they got married? Oh man, he better not be moving in here with us. I would kill him before long, I just knew it. They were a reserved couple. They didn’t stay round each other’s houses all the time. My mum shook her head as a knock came from the front door. Perfect timing, I must been a psychic. I jumped up and let Tiff in, taking her straight up the stairs to my room.

  ‘Can’t I say hello to your mum?’ she gasped falling onto my bed after our little jog.

  ‘No, I wanna hear about what happened when you left last night.’ I sat on the bed next to her. She started to shake and she wouldn’t look at me. I turned my CD player on, letting a bit of Michael Jackson soothe us. I loved his old stuff. The man was so talented. I didn’t care what was said about him, he was a legend and I would always love his music. I sat back down and took Tiff’s hand as a tear slid down her face. I’d never seen her so cut up before. She was usually cool as a cucumber, straight as celery. I was the hot head and she was my coolant. I’d never even seen her cry before. I noticed that she kept touching her trousers, wiping dust away. Not that there was anything on the material.

  ‘This isn’t about last night is it?’

  ‘It is about last night, but it ain’t about the stabbing. It’s about what happened after,’ she cried. She was really sobbing now and I put an arm around her. It felt weird. I’d never had to comfort any of my group. We were all so independent.

  ‘What happened?’ I didn’t really know what else to say.

  ‘Tommy persuaded me to have sex with him. He said that … ’ she stuttered as I dropped my arm. I didn’t mean to, but bloody hell!

  ‘He said that he felt really horny after what had happened. He had a weird look in his eyes and I felt so scared, so I just went along with it.’

  ‘He didn’t force you then?’ I felt sick. My stomach was churning like a tsunami. We’d never had sex with each other. We were so much like family, that it felt wrong. Fair enough if any of the others had fallen for one another, but Tiff’s reaction was too bad for it to have been a good thing.

  ‘No, he didn’t, but when he came towards me, I was scared. Especially after what he’d just done. I didn’t know … ’

  That wave was ready to hurl its contents out of my mouth. How had she done that? She didn’t want to sleep with him, yet she did it out of fear? Fear of our own friend? I didn’t get it. I would’ve told him to back the eff away and keep his hands to himself.

  ‘You really didn’t want to do it, but you did it anyway?’

  ‘Yeah, I know and now I feel so dirty and gross. Recently I’ve been looking at Tommy differently. He’s lost it and it scares me.’ She shook me off and got her phone out her pocket. She showed me a text message that she’d got from him that morning. It said that he’d really enjoyed giving it to her and couldn’t wait to do it again. She hadn’t replied.

  ‘You need to let him know that it ain’t happening again if you don’t want it to, Tiff,’ I said, giving her phone back.

  She nodded and started to tap on her phone.

  ‘I needed your help. When I saw him today I was almost sick with the thought of it. I’ve been crying all night, Nat, I don’t know how to feel.’

  ‘I wish you’d just said no. You know what he’s like. He’s a cock but he’d never hurt one of us.’ A burning sensation raced up my arms and I felt myself go still. How dare that prick do that to Tiff? He totally violated her. The problem was he hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d gone ahead with it willingly. I know that if she’d said no, he wouldn’t have forced her.

  ‘I know, Nat, I know. He didn’t hurt me or anything. In fact it was over real quick, but … ’ she shuddered at the memory and I know I cringed. The look on her face told me she didn’t appreciate my disgust. I couldn’t help it though. Like I said before, it would be like sleeping with my brother. I’m sure Tiff felt the same too.

  ‘Look, you ain’t done nothing wrong and neither has he. You ain’t actually related and all that happened was a mistake. Be honest with him and tell him you ain’t interested in him like that. Then forget it, move on and learn from it, yeah? Just make sure you got the will power to say no in the future. Maybe that’s why it happened? Life is a lesson, apparently.’ I stopped there and did well not to laugh as I heard my words. I sounded like Scott. I wonder if he’d know what lesson poor Tiff had to learn from this.

  ‘I’ve told him that last night was a mistake and I ain’t doing it again.’ Her phone beeped and she jumped. Man, this wasn’t gonna be easy. There was gonna be major tension in the group now. The stabbing had been a turning point in our little family. Things wouldn’t ever be the same again.

  ‘He says that he doesn’t agree but respects my wishes. He said it won’t ever happen again and he’s sorry.’ Her shoulders slumped slightly and I could feel her energy shift.

  ‘Thank Jeysus for that! See, he’s still our Tommy. He’s just lost it a bit recently that’s all. But then so have I, ain’t I? I ain’t exactly been a po-hoe … ’ Po-hoe was our word for positive whores. The people that really irritated us by being all smiley, happy, and kind, all the time. I reckoned that they were all on drugs and completely high, so it was easy to be a po-hoe then.

  ‘Yeah, that’s true,’ she said, turning away from me and changing the CD in the player.

  ‘You wanna beer? I reckon Dick will have one in the fridge.’ I stood up and left her as she nodded.

  What was she thinking, sleeping with Tommy? And after he’d stabbed a man? It was mad what emotions could do to you. I could see why Tommy might have been all het up, but why would Tiff? I shook my head. There was no use trying to reason it out in my little mind. I’d been there before, I guess. A boy comes on to you and you think that by sleeping with him he’s gonna love you. Or that you’re just doing what everyone else is. When you sit in the bath the next day though, running your hands through your hair, with tears streaming down your face …

  ‘What’s up?’ Dick made me jump as I walked into the kitchen. He was sitting at the dining table, reading a book. He looked at me closely and I felt exposed. This bloke freaked me out.

  ‘Nothing,’ I muttered, sticking my head into our empty fridge.

  ‘Your mum’s going shopping tomorrow for some grub,’ he said.

  I had to bite my tongue. The woman had only just got back from the loony bin and he was sending her out shopping.

  ‘I’ll do it,’ I said, grabbing two beers and running out the kitchen. I heard him shout at me, but I legged it up the stairs.

  ‘Here.’ I passed Tiff a bottle and sat back on the bed.

  ‘You think that we could ever live a normal life?’ Tiff downed her drink and I laughed.

  ‘Jeez, woman, you need to chill on the drink.’ I let my head drop, tracing the pattern on my Chinese symbol bedcover.

  ‘Well?’

  ‘I dunno, mate. I hope so … one day. How will we get there though, you know? We ain’t got no money, no education. Life is shit … no wait … I’m not supposed to say that,’ I giggled to myself.

  ‘Why not … ? It is bloody shit,’ Tiff laughed, snatching my bottle from me and downing that one too.

  ‘Oi, I was drinking that.’

  ‘No, you weren’t. Let’s go to the park.’ She jumped up and grabbed my hand.

  ‘I can’t, man, my mum has only just come back.’

  ‘Oh yeah.’ She slumped back on the bed.

  ‘Tiff, do you think that maybe, just maybe, we could change it?’ I sat back against the wall, not looking at her.