“Curiosity can be dangerous.” I laugh to ease the tension between us as she takes a step toward me. I don’t back up. I know I should, but I don’t, because I really am curious.

  I want to know why she wants to be the water.

  Why she hates Chloe.

  Why she covets the cliffs.

  Why her eyes aren’t the same as Chloe despite being twins, why her behavior is aggressive and angry—and why I like it.

  Maybe I see myself in her a bit too much.

  I laugh, I keep people happy, but there is so much darkness, so much anger, so much, why not me inside my soul that it scares me sometimes.

  It’s why I like Chloe.

  It’s why she calls to me, maybe because I’m that masochist that thinks if I just find the one, she’ll fix what’s been so broken, so tarnished, ruined.

  Sophie reaches for my face, then pulls a shaky hand back. “It always ends the same, you know.”

  “What does?” I ask.

  “Everything.” She hangs her head. “I take them, I collect them you know, her boyfriends, every first kiss, I collect them and I keep them so I have something for me, and they all eventually leave her when they realize it’s too hard—you will too you know. After all, they fall for her first.” Her eyes lock onto mine. “Yet want to stay with me forever.”

  “What kind of witchcraft do you use?” I joke.

  “You want a sample?” She teases with a seductive smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Most just wait until they can’t take it anymore.”

  Her hand goes to my chest, I’m still shirtless, but have grey sweatpants on, her eyes follow her hand as she draws a finger down the middle of my chest until she reaches my sweatpants and gives a tug. I stumble toward her.

  I tell myself to stop.

  I like Chloe.

  Chloe!

  And she’s sick in bed right now, her sister is… crazy right? But I can’t look away, I want to know.

  I do what no guy should ever do. I give into the curiosity of the moment, of the tension swirling, of the familiarity of her mouth, which is even weirder when I think about it.

  She stands up on her tiptoes and whispers in my ear, “Eventually, you’ll want me the way I want you, eventually you’ll forget her name and scream mine, who knows, you might have already done that… we did used to, swap.”

  I freeze and take a step back. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “How else could I steal something so precious?” She lifts her shoulder with a shrug. “I always give a sample first, and when they find out, they always want the full meal.”

  Panic ensues.

  Like completely takes over.

  My mouth goes dry.

  My stomach drops.

  “Sophie—“

  “—Do you want to know? Are you curious, Quinn?”

  I am, but I don’t want to know. She would never, right? And if Chloe knew she would say something, on top of that, it just makes me feel like a prostitute between sisters.

  “Hey.” Chloe walks up to the outside door, she looks pale and unsure as she tucks her hair behind her ear. “You’re here. I heard talking.”

  “Yeah,” I cough into my hand and force a smile. “Sophie came to take you home so you could rest, or maybe to quick care? Are you feeling better?”

  Dark circles are clearly evident under Chloe’s eyes. She nods once. “I’m good, just tired, I’ll let Sophie take me home.”

  “Yeah, do that.”

  “Let me just get my things.” Chloe smile. “Thanks, Quinn, it was a good birthday.”

  She walks off, but Sophie stays, I mean, she pretends to walk out, then slowly backs her ass up right against me, pinning me against the balcony and her ass. “Yes, Quinn, what a happy,” She moves her hips and shoves them back against me, “Happy.”

  What the hell!

  “Happy,” She moves her hips and reaches behind her and palms the front of my sweatpants. “Birthday.”

  My body responds, my heart’s horrified, and my soul feels a bit crushed, like I’m being completely used and have no say in the matter. No consent. Nothing.

  I want to scream, but I’m frozen in place.

  Any guy’s body would respond.

  I’m a bastard, a horrible person.

  I can’t feel worse in this moment, more dirty, more used—I think I kind of want to toss this girl off the cliff but part of me feels gaslit, I feel bad because I know she’s damaged, tortured, so I do nothing.

  I take it.

  I take it as she palms my dick as she reaches with her other hand and takes mine and presses it against one breast. “You know, it’s okay to want me.”

  The. Actual. Fuck.

  I jerk away. “I’m not something you play with, Sophie.”

  “You will be.” She stops moving, turns around and looks down. “See? You can’t help yourself, none of them can. I look forward to my trophy when you finally know who you really want.”

  With that, she walks off.

  And I’m left with a boner for Satan and confused as hell.

  Chloe doesn’t say goodbye, but she does text an hour later to tell me that she was throwing up and felt bad and didn’t want me to see it, so just left with her sister.

  An hour after that, Sophie texts me one thing.

  Satan Sophie

  At hospital with Chloe. Don’t call.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chloe

  It sucks.

  All of it sucks.

  It’s always like this, I swear, and I want to feel sorry for myself, but when has that ever helped anyone?

  I’ve been in the hospital a day, have heard nothing from Quinn, so I’m totally panicking that he’s freaked out and that Sophie pulled her normal trick where she tells the guy that I’m sick or worse just hits on him.

  He can never know.

  He can never find out.

  I hate it.

  Tears burn the back of my eyes. I really like him, he’s so sweet, so good looking, fun, he gets my sense of humor, he likes Garfield and Star Wars, he’s just… the best and I barely know him.

  Will she take him from me too, out of anger at me being sick? Will she take every good thing I’ve ever had? And why the hell do I always sit back and let her?

  Is it guilt that I get attention she doesn’t over my sickness? Is it my way of giving back to her in some sick manner?

  Shit, we need therapy.

  Love should not be this hard.

  Family should not be this cruel, and yet here we are.

  I lay back against the pillow and check my phone again. Sophie went back to the house, so I’m pretty sure everything is fine and I know Quinn’s probably just busy, but I text him anyway.

  Me

  Are you okay?

  Quinn

  Holy shit, you’re alive!

  I laugh.

  Me

  Yeah, I just needed to do some blood work and then I can bounce out of here and come see you.

  I say this as a nurse walks in, followed by another. Yay more testing. More questions. More, it’s always more. It’s been like this since I can remember. In the beginning I had my parents holding my hands, even Sophie panicking and then slowly one by one they just… left.

  So now I have a white wall I stare at and I imagine a family member, it always changes, it’s always different, but they’re in the room smiling, telling me to be strong.

  It helps.

  Or I lie to myself and tell me it helps, maybe that’s just what lonely, sad people do, just like how I try to mask it with humor and sarcasm.

  But right now as I clutch my phone in my hand, with a text message I want to send that says please just, please, replace my phone with your fingers, with your touch, please just stand in front of that wall and stare while I get poked and prodded, while my family is missing, while my sister still hates me so much that she literally dropped me off at the front of the hospital with a fever of one hundred and four.

  I collapsed into a wheelchair in the lobby and I just waited for someone to notice, maybe that will be my entire life, waiting for someone amazing to notice until she takes that too.

  And then, I just allow it, because she’s also been through a lot emotionally, it’s like I’m handing out all the good that happens to me, to her without fighting her on it, because I’m punishing myself for not being perfect, punishing my body for not working the way it should.

  “Hey,” My nurse, Sarah, grabs my phone, her smile is fake, we all know it, but I believe it because otherwise I think I might actually give up. “We have to run some panels, you feeling up to it?”

  “Do I have a choice?” I let her put my phone away, along with the unanswered text.

  She scrunches up her nose. “No, actually, not really.” Her laugh is infectious. “You know we hate seeing you, right?”

  “I hate you too.”

  “Glad we still have that boundary.” She nods. “Let’s just get this shit done so I can send you home and you can go have awesome sex, but don’t tell the attending I said that.”

  I actually laugh. “Well, the sex was…“

  I forget that I’m speaking out loud.

  She pauses. Stares me down for at least three seconds with her short black bobbed cut hair and perfectly tanned golden skin. “I want every detail.”

  “No!!!” I laugh. “No, I mean, well he did fall between my thighs.”

  “Sure that’s normal.”

  “After a near death experience.”

  “Not so normal.”

  I laugh again; it feels good. “It’s a long story, but the beginning was epic, the middle feels good, not so strong, but good, the ending however,” I shrug. “He doesn’t know how sick I am, so maybe I’ll just imagine seeing his back now as he walks out of these doors, I can be tough like that, it makes it easier when you daydream about them walking away from you rather than toward you. That’s what strength is you know? It’s taking those moments and accepting them, then dreaming about them leaving, so when they actually do, the knife doesn’t dig as deep when you pull it out.”

  Sarah nods slowly, then sets down her iPad and sits on the bed, her blue scrubs even look good on her, she’s the girl you want to hate but can’t because she’s so kind. “Listen, you make your own journey even with the difficulties you suffer around you. Right now, you’re going to be depressed and anxious because your body is physically working against you, but this too shall pass and when it does, you’ll have that nice love waiting for you. I know it. Trust it. I know it’s hard to trust your own body, your mind—but isn’t it time to trust another human other than yourself?”

  “And watch them let me down… again?” I ask. “I just wish—“

  A knock sounds on the door and then Zane walks in. “Heard we had a celebrity in here getting tested.”

  Sarah looks ready to swallow her own tongue when she stands, nearly drops her iPad, and bows.

  Oh God, she literally just bowed.

  I hold my laugh in.

  Zane winks at me like he knows it.

  Sarah seems to realize it then does this awkward laugh before bowing again, maybe it’s a habit now. “Yeah, I’m just gonna go get all the supplies to draw, um, blood, the red stuff. Haha.”

  “Weird, I thought it was purple,” Zane says with a straight face.

  “Oh, no.” Sarah gets serious. “It is actually red even though when you look down at your skin it can be in a variety of—“ Her nostrils flair. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”

  Zane’s grin is priceless. “I was seeing how long your medical and informational speech would be until you realized it.”

  “Now.” She points at him. “Now I know why the nurses say to watch out for you, it’s not because of your good looks but your ability to get into our heads by looks alone!”

  “Why are you yelling?” he asks.

  “I’m yelling?” She looks at me.

  “No.” I answer for him. “He’s literally just messing with you again, don’t let him gaslight, he’s too good at it, just grab all the shit that’s going to shit all over my arms and be quick about it, now that my fevers done I just want to go home.”

  She nods. “See, you can be bossy!”

  When she leaves, Zane comes and sits gently on the bed, here we go, I’m going to get a speech, I can feel it in my bones. He’s wearing ripped jeans and a white tank top that shows off his tattoos and his black beanie that has a skull on it isn’t really helping my mood.

  “So.” He takes a deep breath. “I have a suggestion.”

  “You and everyone else in this world.”

  “I heard your parents aren’t back yet, and that you have an evil twin that might set you on fire any day now.”

  My laugh escapes before I can help it. “She means well, I think, I mean, she just feels unseen and I can’t blame her for that, because I feel—“

  “No need to justify other people’s feelings, especially people who aren’t kind, who only do the basics in order not to go to prison.” He sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair. “I’m going to be bossy right now, all right?”

  “You weren’t before?”

  “Very funny, just allow me to go into dad mode, okay?”

  “Do you have jokes though? Because if not, then what’s the point of taking that journey?”

  “There she is!” He holds up his hand. “High fives all day long, YO!”

  “Never again, shall you ever repeat that sentence, oh wait, you passed, you are a dad, okay continue.”

  “My hand’s still up here.”

  “And there it shall stay until you tell me what your idea is.”

  To his credit, he doesn’t lower it, instead he keeps his right hand held high, he has two gold rings on his pinky and one on his thumb, rockstars and their jewelry. “So, I think you should stay with Quinn, let him take care of you until you feel better. Being alone at your house, according to the doctors isn’t good, and your sister according to Quinn and you isn’t exactly Mother Teresa, I don’t have time or I would, plus the kid would just jump on your face and ask you to smell his butt for poop which I’m thinking isn’t exactly the healing journey you want to take, I mean just until your parents get back at the end of the week and yes I’m prying but, you can’t deal with…” He swallows and finally, slowly, lowers his hand. “Chloe, you can’t deal with lupus on your own when you’re like this, you need help.”

  A tear slides down my cheek. “He doesn’t know.”

  “Yes.” A new voice sounds. “He does.”

  Quinn walks into the room with a bouquet of daisies and sets them on my bed, and then he stands in front of the white wall and smiles.

  I burst into tears.

  Crazy, ridiculous tears.

  Because for the first time in five years.

  Someone real is standing in front of the white wall.

  And he’s here for me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Quinn

  I hear everything.

  I wasn’t supposed to, but when Chloe didn’t respond and when Zane said that she was actually in the hospital, I couldn’t get to the car fast enough.

  Just when I was ready to go in, he went in first.

  I looked at her chart.

  I know I shouldn’t have.

  I asked questions I shouldn’t have asked of Zane that were probably illegal and when he went in and talked with her, when the nurse came out and gave me this, sad look that lacked all hope and happiness which didn’t match the conversation she’d earlier had with Chloe, I think a part of my heart broke.

  I found my person.

  And my person isn’t okay.

  There are only two options here.

  Help. Or run.

  I’m assuming she’s used to the runners, but the jokes on her, I hate running, I’m more of a rowing sort of guy, which means I just row through my problems rather than run and try to forget them.

  So I tell myself to do what I always do.

  I row slowly through them, I deal with them, and I’m going to pick her up and put her in my boat. Even if she says it’s okay, that she can swim, I’ll put her in my boat.

  Most of us, when drowning, always say we can make it, we refuse help, whether it’s weakness or pride, we try to keep swimming until we start to sink and even then as we see the border of water across the horizon, we decide it’s better to just breathe in the water, then scream out help.

  I don’t want her to get to that place.

  I’ve been to that place, it isn’t fun, and it isn’t an option. So I listen, and then I walk in.

  I stand in front of the white wall after placing flowers on her bed and I give her a stare that I hope puts the fear of God into her, then sa,. “Let’s finish up here, then you’re coming home.”

  She opens her mouth.

  I shake my head.

  “My home. You’re moving in. Hope your DoorDash game is strong either that or cooking because I think I have one cracker left, a half bottle of wine that tastes like shit, and an old pancake mix that might kill you before Lupus. Oh also, if you need a kidney, I’ve always wanted to see what it’s like to go under the knife. Bad joke? Probably, but I’m here for you. So let’s get this done and Zane, I swear if you keep smiling at me right now, I’m going to kill you. Leave. Out. And thanks for the heads up.” Tears stream down Chloe’s cheeks. “All right, what sort of cheese do I need to go buy so you stop crying?”

  She cries harder as Zane leaves.

  I know what I need to do.

  So I do it.

  I walk over to her side and I stand.

  I don’t sit.

  I just grab her hand and hold it.

  Because sometimes we don’t want someone to sit and look at us with pity, nah, sometimes what we need is someone to stand by us.

  With strength.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chloe

  “So now I’m living with a guy that nearly died by bungee?” I joke while laying on the nice black leather couch with a soft blue blanket covering my feet and more food and hydration than I could possibly ask next to me on a tray.

  He has fruit.

  He has vegetables.

  He has Gatorade.

  He weirdly decided a turkey leg would be the best way to go. Boys.